Is It Time to Try for Another Baby?

I would wait until You were married. TO many guys walk away from responsibilities these days and there is no guarantee he wouldn't change his main once it happened. I recommend THe Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I am an old wise 45 year old woman who has seen too much and unfortunately women are too romantic and sometimes forget to use their heads.

You have answered your own question: "... and we agreed that we would wait until after we are married to have one."
There is your answer. You have made a plan, it is a good one, stick to your plan. The spacing of your children, is the spacing of your children. There is no ideal amount of days, weeks, months or even years between the ages of your children. It is what it is, and family dynamics are what make each family unique and special.

I would advise you to read again what Mi has written. It is solid and bears repeating. The best advice is to wait until after you are married. Settle in as a married couple, and then talk about when is a good time. Your relationship must be founded on trust....

Despite all the "evidence" that you can do it....two things still remain:

1. You detect FEAR (don't ignore that!)
2. You're still NOT married. If you want to keep the stress level down and set a great example for BOTH kids...do what's right and get married FIRST. Give yourself some time to adjust to married life, etc. If he has a year or so to settle into married life and day in & day out fatherhood, the fear will subside. Fear and pushing people into things they're not ready or mature enough for can COMPLETELY sabotage a relationship! ARe you willing to risk that? Adding another child now will only complicate things financially - no matter how well you're doing you have no idea about any complications, etc that may arise) as well as time AWAY from him and your daughter. When people get married there needs to be concentrated time on the two of them. With a ready made family, that's hard enough. Personally, I think you'd be making a HUGE mistake! If he has fears now, what do you think adding another child will do to change that? You'll have LESS time for him if you add another child to the situation. Your daughter deserves to have time to adjust to being a family too. She'll be dividing time with two more people, not just your husband. REGARDLESS of the fact you want your kids close together, it may be BEST that they are a little further apart.

If you wait, you'll have a child that is certainly more independent and helpful and hopefully a great role model. At that age.....they WANT to be helpful and looked up to. I know Abbie does. She's 6. She LOVES helping with the little ones at church. In addition, your husband will hae a chance to put more focus & time on raising a child from birth. As you already know, infants and toddlers take and INCREDIBILE amount of time. Every SECOND is worth it, but they needs and DESERVE the time & attention.

Might want to take some time to talk about it from BOTH perspectives with your future husband. Don't let emotions take the upper hand. They can destroy relationships.....whether that be jealousy, insecurity, fear or whatever. That's almost always a mistake!

Make your decisions based on what's best for everyone! Look at it from BOTH sides. You can even make a list and categorize things: finances, alone time, mom & dad alone time, chores, emotions (in each situation) etc. and TALK ABOUT THEM. Make SURE you listen and honor your future husbands wishes. Some women do what they want despite what a husband or boyfriend wants. It ususally ends up destroying trust and respect and many times destroys the relationship.

Don't have a baby to give your daughter a sibling. Yes, she will love it, but their ages will be far enough apart and upbringing different enough that it will not be the little brother or sister she is thinking of. She will have friends that will be like sisters to her.

Have baby when you and your husband are settled and used to living together, and he is ready. You already know what it is like and are ready, but your fiance needs to be ready.

Absolutely wait for marriage! You will be getting married to be together and not because you got "knocked up". You both will feel better if you wait until the "I do's". If your father is making good progress in his recovery and you can plan the wedding soon then I would say wait for your father. If your father isn't recovering as well or as fast as he should then I would say quit postponing your life and get married now.....elope and have a party when you get back....this is a celebration of you and your fiance's love and if you wait for all the pieces to come together before you tie the knot, it just might not ever happen.

Please wait until you are married; just my opinion. You mention in your post he seems a little scared to do it. Bringing a child into this world should be a choice that two people fully and willingly commit to. Wait until he is ready, when you both are ready and it will be much better for the both of you (as opposed to him being felt as if he were 'coaxed' into making a decision just to make you happy).

You say *you* have wanted it for a while...is that what he's wanted for a while too? Maybe he feels like he needs to get married first and establish a married family life before moving to the next step. What if he wanted to move to China, and has wanted to do that for a while...and this is something that you weren't ready for. Would it be fair for him to make a life-changing decision, regardless of how you feel? Like, you come home one day and your fiance'/ husband says "Honey, I know I've wanted to move to China for a while and guess what - we're moving in 9 months! Aren't you excited?!?" How would that make you feel if he had just gone and made the decision when you weren't ready?

Please consider his feelings in this matter, too. Being in a relationship isn't about what you want or what he wants; it should be about what is a good decision for *both* of you.

Hi M.,
So sorry to hear of your parents' accident. I hope your dad will fully recover. I assume you want him to walk you down the isle. Consider how long it will be before he can do that, and plan your wedding accordingly. I planned a beautiful wedding in less than 4 months. As for the age difference of siblings, my sister and I are 5 years apart and are very close. I'm the oldest of 6 kids, with a 20 year difference between me and the youngest. This didn't stop us from being close siblings. It sounds like your biggest concern here is your fiance's willingness. You both have to want this. I also don't believe in intentionally bringing a child into the world without marriage, but that's just my opinion. I wouldn't rush it on account of concern about an age difference. A baby puts a huge strain on your relationship, and you don't always know what the cost will be. For example, my baby spent 4 days in NICU. You could have a child with birth defects or special needs. And the economy is sooo shakey right now. No, there is probably never going to be an "ideal" time, but let your dad heal so he can walk again, get married, and then make sure your husband is on board. Good luck!

Hi M.....If we all waited for the perfect time to have a baby then there would be no babies! There will always be some reason to wait. If you are ready go for it! But your fiance must be ready too or it won't work. Also, if you get pregnant then will you wait until after the baby to get married? You don't want a big pregnant belly in your wedding pictures LOL.

Sit down with him and talk about all this. Maybe now IS the time because by the time you have the baby hopefuly your father will be walking and then you can have the wedding. The only thing is make sure your future husband gives you 100% yes on getting pregnant. If you do it on the "sly" then he may resent you. But as long as he is all for it then go ahead! You sound like you will be a great family for this future baby! Good luck!

There is never going to be a "perfect" time to have a child. I would sit down and talk seriously with your man and see if he really wants to have a child or not.
Call me old fashioned, I still think you should be married before you start raising/having children but I realize this is not the way of the modern world.
There is 9 years between my brother and I and we have a very close relationship. His wife has had some jealousy issues with this fact and believe me it has lead to some heart wretching times for him and I.
My children are 23 months apart and aren't as close as we are which is sad in some ways, yet they are a lot closer than many of their friends are with their siblings and I have had other people mention this to me. I think being close to a sibling has a lot to do with the way you are raised and has little or nothing to do with the age gap between children.
You will be in my prayers.

I have just one thing to say, GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are waiting for the "right" time to get married, then you should wait even longer for the "right" time to have a baby together. As you know, that is an even bigger life-changing event!!

Get married first.

Don't worry about how far apart your kids are they will be close I have a 25 year old daughter(soon to be 26) a 20 year old son, and a 5 year old son. They all are close and love each other very much. Wait. It will happen, when your ready. Always talk with your spouse about your feelings, he may feel the same way. I can honestly say I could have 3 more kids and they would still all be a big happy family. When I waited to have the 2nd child it was because I was in college, everyone said why did you wait so long? After I had my last child no one said a word, but the 13 year old boy said what took you so long?

Well personally there is never a good time to try. We tried with our first and we did artificial insemination. Worked first time and we had her and she is 4 now 5 in Sept. We always said we wanted 2 BUT we THOUGHT we were done till BOOM here comes our son. We wanted just 1 b/c she took SO MUCH time which is OK and yes they are NOT cheap I nursed both still nursing son he is 17 mo. I am not saying to not try but yes it is going to get SO HECTIC with 2 BUT you said you will have help which is GREAT b/c you WILL need it trust me. We moved for our family b/c of hubby's job STILL just had Avery THEN we moved and BOOM got pregnant for son so we knew we were in trouble with no family around. We are doing it but hard. I have health problem that is making it hard sure would be nice to have fam here lol... Whatever you do good luck 2 is way harder I think and I am sure I will be getting some comments on that so just before I DO LOVE MY KIDS lol. Someone accused me of NOT on here awhile back. I would do anything for them trust me. Just active healthy kids.

It's hard to know when is the "right" time. I don't think there ever is a "right" time to have a baby. Nothing is ever perfect. I had my daughter before I got married and I wouldn't regret it for the world. Her daddy and I don't love her any less because we weren't married at the time. (We are married now though) I would say just talk to him. Tell him that you are ready and just want to know where he stands on things. Having a baby is a huge deal! He has every reason to be scared! It sounds like you know the reason for his fear and even understand it. I wish you guys the best! :D

There's no "perfect" time. In fact your situation right now is probably closest to a perfect set up. My kids are 4+years apart and I really enjoyed each one individually. I've had ONLY 1 in diapers, and the siblings really enjoyed the "baby" each time. I remember when my oldest was in Kindergarten and I had the newborn with me in a stroller to pick her up in school. She was the proudest sister ever and
very involved in helping me out with the baby. It sounds like you have a very supportive family and husband that would be there for you when needed. good luck!!!