Is It Preschool the Issue or My 4 Yr Old

I agree with Everley she is knows you feel guilty and she's learning to manipulate the situation. Her daddy is probably a lot sterner than you when it comes to getting onto you. My oldest is fine if he knows that they will call daddy but if they say they are calling me he tears up. He knows I don't mess around and that he will be in much more trouble when he get's home because of what ever he did at school. You have to be strong!!!!

Good luck and God Bless!!!

Viola, it's not clear -- did she just recently start preschool? Has she been going for a while, so preschool is the same, but the change in her life is that you were home with her and only recently have returned to work? It would help a lot to have those details.

IF she has been in preschool since last fall, AND you have been working that entire time, yet she is continuing to throw these fits (especially biting and kicking teachers) even after all these months -- there is a lot more going on here than just wanting mommy. (1) you're lucky the preschool hasn't told you that she cannot attend at all any more and (2) the preschool isn't doing a good job helping her cope anyway. This does not sound like "preschool" but like a day care where she is there all day long, not just a few hours a day. If this has gone on since last fall - time for some family counseling and/or an evaluation of her and why she hasn't adjusted after so long.

If this is all fairly new - either she just recently started at this place or you just recently returned to work -- then you need to work more closely with the preschool on strategies. Do you linger when you drop her off in the morning? (If she is showing off her cubby daily, then you are there too long.) Most preschools and day cares do not want parents to come inside after dropoff or to hang around any longer than it takes for the quickest goodbye; seeing the parent come inside or linger only makes kids worse and harder for the teachers to distract.

Also, does she scream for things she wants at home? Does she kick, bite or otherwise get rough with you, your husband other other adults or kids when she does not get what she wants? Her reactions as described here sound so wild that I wonder if she tends to have these strong reactions in places other than preschool. If that is the case, you and your husband need some good parenting books and possibly a parenting class to help yourselves, and her, by working out discipline that teaches her how to let go of things and how to accept "no."

If she only behaves like this at preschool and you absolutely can say she isn't like this iin other contexts, you and the teachers need to explore how to make the transition easier. Maybe have your husband do all morning drop-offs; it sounds like she may react better to his authority right now than to yours. Ask the teachers and director a lot of questions: Do the teachers distract or redirect her when she starts to fuss, or do they just tell her to stop without trying to redirect her (she needs redirection!)? Do fusses about other things (I want that toy; another kid bumped me; I wanted the slide but other kids were on it; etc.) always or often turn into fusses that climax with "I want mommy" and a full-on tantrum? If so , the issue may not really be missing you so much as using that as her final "word" when she is going out of control. What does the teacher do when she puts her hands on the teacher? Do they discipline, give time outs, isolate her, remove her from the room? The preschool needs to feel it can take disciplinary measures and ones that work with her.

She may be utterly unready and just not mature enough yet for preschool, or need another type of environment than this one provides, or need many fewer hours in preschool than she now has. She may be terrified at losing you to work if all this is a recent development and may need some reassurance -- but don't reward her behaviors. You were exactly right when you said that if YOU went to get her she would be "getting what she wants."

I guess it's key to consider: How long has this gone on; why is she not able to drop the anger and upset once she's at preschool (many kids cry when dropped off, but most get distracted happily soon after); does she have trouble with separating from you or with being told "no" in other contexts (if she does, bigger issues here that require more help).

He makes a bigger impact than you because you haven't laid down the law with her like he has. She sees him as more of an authority figure. You need to toughen up with her. She knows you feel guilty that you are working. No more of this guilt stuff in front of her, mom. Kicking teachers and screaming should get a box of toys taken away - on YOUR say-so, not your husband's. No second chances either. You should tell her tomorrow morning that if you get a bad report about her behavior at school (and tell her exactly what that behavior details, without bringing her dad into it), that you will take her favorite toys. And then do it. The next day, take another box. Take toys until they are all gone if you have to. Then she will have to earn them back a little at a time by having good behavior in school.

THIS is what you need to do. This is all on you, Viola. Not on your husband. Get cracking and let that child know that YOU are the boss. And don't show fear or apology. Show a bit of anger. That will straighten her out.

You can do this.

Dawn

So sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your daughter is taking advantage of your guilt. You need to be strong and have a talk with your daughter about what is possible and what is not (ie - she *can't* stay home with mom because mom isn't home, mom is working). You also need to make sure she doesn't see you feeling guilty and that you don't tell her you're so sorry you have to work, because then she learns that going to school is second best. Instead, talk to her about how great school is and what is expected of her... playing nice, no hitting or yelling. Let her know that she can be sad that she misses you, but she can't hit her teachers because of that. Perhaps write little notes for her lunch, kiss her palm in the morning and tell her that any time she misses you she can hold it to her ear and the hand will tell her "mommy loves you", etc.

Last but not least, is there anything going on at school that is triggering this? Is she unhappy about somethere? Have there been any teacher changes? Are they enforcing the rules differently than you do? It might be worth sitting down with her teachers to come up with a plan together on how to handle your daughter's behavior.