Is It Okay to Call Teenage Daughter “Step” in Certain Situations?

I like the idea of saying, "I am her stepmother, but I care for her as if she was my own daughter." That way you don't label her, you don't offend the bio mom AND you let everyone know how important she is to you. Doesn't get much better than that.

You could ask your stepdaughter how she feels, and tell her exactly what you told us. You seem to have the right take on it, and it's nice that you are sensitive to all involved.

Since you seem to be a thoughtful person, you have probably already figured out how to relate to your stepdaughter. Why don't you just keep doing whatever you're doing, since it seems to be working out? Your (step)daughter is lucky to have you!

There is nothing wrong, IMO, with "step" in general, especially if the other (biological) parents are in the picture. I am a step mother (I think - I'm no longer married to my SD's dad but consider her my SD still just the same), and proud to be one. To me, it means that I freely chose to be a parent to my step daughter - there is something special about the family you choose. She's not "just" my step-daughter, it's my privilege to have her as one of my children and a choice that has brought me much pride and joy.

That said, I understand that from a child's perspective, it might feel like a slight to have the step relationship pointed out needlessly, so it's important that they know why you use it when you use it - in the scenarios you mention, it makes sense to include that information for clarity.

My SD is now 21 and her mother has been out of the picture for many years now, but sometimes it's confusing to mention that my two oldest kids are the same age but not twins (oldest son and SD are 4 months apart), or that she grew up in a different town until she was 13, or any number of other details like that, without clarifying that I'm her step-mother. So I provide that info when it makes sense, and refer to her as "one of my kids" or "my daughter" when it doesn't matter.

I think it makes sense to be sensitive to the fact that there is a very outdated stigma around step relatives as wicked or mean or treating children as "less than," but I hope that with blended families becoming more common, that stigma goes away and the step relationships can be celebrated for their own special qualities. There is no need for the word to be taboo when used in the right contexts.

welcome to mamapedia, A..

I would ask my daughter what she thinks and feels about it.

Personally - I would just refer to her as my daughter. If people get upset over that? It's on them. Why do I say this? Because while i have 2 boys - many of their friends call me mom2 - and I refer to them as my men. Their mom's know this and LOVE that they have someone else that claims them as theirs. that means they have done a good job raising them. Just like my boys call some of their friends mom2. It's a compliment. I don't lose anything - in fact - I gain. You gained when you got her as your daughter.

Stop overthinking things. Just let it be.,

I think this decision is individual to each family.
What you and your daughter (and husband) decide is right for you is more important than any opinion you'll find online or with your friends.
You get to decide what your own normal is.

That being said in your place I might gently tell your friends to butt out.
Your daughter and her situation might be completely different from your friends situation when they were growing up.
Being a parent can be the toughest job you'll ever love.
You can certainly be friendly but it's more important to be a parent than a friend.
Being consumed with being a friend to a child you are raising does more to mess everyone up than just about anything else you could do.
Plus the dynamic it creates between your step daughter and biological daughter would be bad.
If you have some serious doubts about it then please discuss it with a family therapist who would be a better source of information and advice.

I think, given her age, you should give her a choice in the matter. I'm a stepmother, and I gave my stepdaughters a lot of choice about what they called me and how they were introduced.

I think it's a balancing act to show your love yet honor her mother. You and the mom get along well, which is great. But I wouldn't push it. The "step" relationship is not just about how much you love each other, but about who her decision-making parents are and who is the legal contact. I think there are many ways to show that you love her without altering the way the connection occurred. In fact, calling her your daughter may make her think you're somewhat embarrassed about her true connection and the true way your family was formed. Think of all the same sex, adoptive and foster parents who are considered "less than" or not "real" parents. I think we run the risk of devaluing those when we imply, even out of love, that the preferred and legitimate families are mom/dad/child. I think you might actually enhance her feelings of love and security if you acknowledge that loving families are formed in all kinds of ways.

Legally, someone might think you're her mother and therefore authorized to make medical decisions in an emergency. And you may make things confusing at events (school programs, sports etc.) if people meet her mom and are confused because they thought you were the mom.

Your husband's daughter is a young teen finding her way. The most important person in that development is the same sex parent, her mother. Celebrate that, don't cover it up.

I think you should talk to her. And I think you can make introductions in casual settings by saying, "We're A. and Jim, and these are our daughters, Jane and Jill." If you're on vacation and putting them in a kids' program, if you're buying a house and talking to a realtor, etc., there's no need to explain the biology/legality. But in daily relationships in her social circle, be careful. And be aware that you should step back on the discipline - your husband and her mother make the decision. You can offer your opinion to your husband, and to his ex if she asks, but otherwise, be deferential and affirm to them that this is not your department.

there's no blanket right answer to this. each step situation is so individual. it mostly boils down to what your stepdaughter wants.

when i was a teenager i'd NEVER refer to my stepmother as 'mom' or anything other than stepmother, and i'd correct anyone who inadvertently referred to her as my mother. she was very patient and understanding about this. i called her by her first name and she never expected more of me.

i would hope that as a young adult in training that you've discussed this with her. if not, now's the time.

your friends need to understand that their situation is not yours, and may or may not be relevant. i certainly don't think it's the case that a step-parent should be a 'friend.' friendly, yes. but while you're not trying to usurp her mom's place, you are also in a position of 'in loco parentis' and you don't want to undermine that either.

it's not horrible to call a child 'step' if a) it's true and b) it's what the child wants.

the bottom line is that you should ignore your friends and blogs and blahdyblah and go with what your teen prefers.

khairete
S.

My brother has a step daughter and then they went on to have more children.

The girl was young when they met and they took their relationship very slowly and she was a tween by the time they were married and had more kids.

He always just refers to his stepdaughter by her name, as he does all his kids, but he will say she is "(wife's) daughter" if anyone were to ask for specifics. They're not generally that rude. He coached on all her teams, etc. and it rarely ever happened.

People just assume she's his daughter, and she and he are ok with this of course. They are exceptionally close.

He and his wife asked her what she would like to be called/referred to as. They felt she should decide.

She has an actual father, although not super involved. So dad/father wasn't a term she felt comfortable with. And she didn't want to be referred to as step daughter. So she's her mom's daughter. They say 'our children' in general.

My mom did the same thing (asked the girl) when asking if she could have the privilege of calling her a 'granddaughter'. The girl liked that.

*I like mamazita's way of wording it. I think calling her your daughter, honestly, is a bit disrespectful to her biological mother (we hear that a lot on here) and I know my friends who share custody with their exes would feel that way, if their ex's wives called themselves their 'mothers'.

ETA: Could you clarify if you're concerned about the word 'step' and why? I mean, I call my husband's mother "(hubby's name) mother" and not "my MIL" because it sounds somewhat more respectful when I'm introducing her ... and it puts her in context of their relationship. I think that's more applicable. That's why I think my husband always says "This is (step daughter's name)" and if needs be (Wife's) daughter (although that's rare). However, there's nothing wrong with me saying my MIL, or him saying his step-daughter. I'm sure he has, just like I say my MIL. It's not some taboo word. I think you might be overthinking it :)

And I didn't answer second part - I'm not a step mom, but a few of my friends are and my sibling. They are not parents, but also not friends. They enforce rules in their homes, (although are not the parent) but often are seen as mentors .. and may have stepped in in that role if that particular parent was absent. However, in a different capacity. They leave parenting strictly to parent - and same with consequences to behavior, etc. However, their home, their rules .. to a point, and they are not buddies. No.

I think, when possible, it may be that it's preferable to call yourself the "step-mom", rather than her the "step-daughter". Then the "step" focus is on you, not her.

I think it certainly makes sense to clarify that she is your stepdaughter if you have any real concerns (for your career, for example) about people wondering if you were a teen mom (and potentially drawing negative conclusions based on that assumption). Otherwise my guess is that people will figure that you did not give birth to her, unless you look older than your age. Either way, I doubt that she would see that as "hurtful" since she still has a relationship with her mother.

As far as being her stepmother versus her friend, remember to let your husband do the primary "parenting" in negotiation with her mother.

Honestly.. I think you are doing a great job.. I know so many horror stories. Each situation is very different due to personalities and situations. I think treating her like your own child and like you said calling step or even only by her name is best. And you are a step mom not a friend, though you should be friendly.

I think you're doing great!!! I gained a step mom around age 12-13 and I called her by her first name and was more of a friend relationship.