Is It Ok to Have a Babyshower and Have It Adults Only?
March 01, 2009
Hello ladies! I have a question, I am having a baby shower in the spring and it is being hosted by a close friend of mine. She was the first to offer and my husband and I were honored to have her offer so we accepted. Well my husbands family was the 4th person to ask when hosting a shower. Which I just explained that she had offered and we took her up on it but I am sure that she wouldn't mind having your help.
Well my friend is going above and beyond with this shower and is wantng it to be very elegant and enjoyable for everyone that is invited. We are having it at my home which isn't huge but will hold the amount of people I am inviting which is 40. My friend wants to serve a Italian lunch with a chocolate fountain, mixed drinks and I was just fine with that I think it's great. Well she is very worried about my house being destroyed but there is no time to reserve a place at this moment. So she wanted to put Adults only on the invitation but in a very tactful way. Now this is not unusual for people to leave their kids at home when attending a baby shower but now a family member has taken this personal and has told me that I can have a quiet and peaceful babyshower alone with my friends and then she will have another one just for the family and kids. I was offended that she would take it upon herself to split my baby shower up without even asking how I felt about it. She has one son and took it personal when I had said that we wanted it a Ladies party only. I see nothing wrong with the women having some time alone to enjoy eachothers company and not have to worry about kids runnning around. I love kids but in this situation, there isn't the room for it and I can't imagine the mess with Italian food and a chocolate fountain along with my cream carpet. Is it wrong to ask for it to be a Ladies only event? It's only for 2-3 hours. Your opinions would be appreciated.
The ladies-only shower sounds like it will be very enjoyable and you should stick with those plans. I don't think I've been to a shower where ladies brought their children - I would think they'd be bored. However, I can also see the family member's point of view wanting to include ALL family. She isn't trying to persuade you to change the ladies-only shower, but merely to throw you another shower where the whole family can celebrate with you, too. I see nothing wrong with that.
You can't please everyone all the time, and no, it's not impolite to set limits on your shower. I would hope your family would understand that with 40 people, cream carpet and cholocate, kids just wouldn't work in the mix. I also understand if this family member doesn't have anyone to watch her son that she would rather not attend than try to find a babysitter (I'm assuming her husband won't be available) I've been in the position where my husband was overseas and it made it hard to do anything without the kids b/c we just didn't have anyone to watch them. I think I would tell her that while you appreciate the offer to host another shower, you don't think it's necessary to have 2 and you wouldn't want people to feel obligated to either bring 2 presents (if they attended both showers) or to have to pick 1 shower to attend. You might ask if there is something you can do to help (for instance, if she doesn't have child care with all the family going to the shower, maybe you can have an older cousin/friend of the family - 13 year old or so - keep the son in a bedroom with movies, toys, etc, but not "at" the shower). This is a tough one, but you have a right to dictate how a party at your home is handled. Just as you have a right to have an adult only reception for your wedding.
Yes!!!! There is nothing wrong with having adult only parties for any occasion! Relax, enjoy your shower and she will get over it. If it comes up in conversation, explain that it was not aimed at her or any one in particular. Remind her that it included your own children. Space, refreshments and atmosphere were what determined the adult only status. I'm sure that most of the mothers are tickled to have an elegant shower to attend where they don't have to watch and pursue their own children. Moms deserve a moms only treat every once in a while. Have a great time, enjoy your friends and family, and don't worry.
I think that is fine to let her know. I would really consider having two or more baby showers. I know I had a few when I had my first. Sometimes they get too big and you can't really visit right. I also come from a big family and big church family. So I had two different ones with family, one on my mom's side and one on my dad's side, then one from my church.
Good luck and enjoy yourself...
I think it would be perfectly fine for your friend to ask that it be a ladies only party. You do not need to added stress of having to watch out for your carpets or walls to get stained and scratched. If there are any babies I would say that that should be allowed. However with your family--they should be able to respect your wishes. You are the mother to be and it should be about you not them. They need to take a backseat to the whole thing instead of trying to run the show. I see nothing wrong with having a family party, but if this takes away from the planning and cordinating of the first party then that is rude. I would advice them to come to both parties. Have your family come for the Italian meal then if they want a more private gathering let the family throw another shower in honor of the new baby. godd luck and congrats.
Sounds like some jealousy here with family members. Stick to your original plans and your friend and enjoy the day without kids running around and making a mess. It's your day and time to visit and be with adults. You are having a baby not a birthday bash for kids or adults who act like kids. If the in law wants to plan a party fine but not on the same day. Enjoy the day with the Italian theme and let us know how it went. The other S.
You and your friend should carry on with your plans for the lunch. Do NOT change the guest list because one family member got her panties in a wad. She can plan another shower if she so chooses. This is about you and your baby, no one else!
We had a ladies-only brunch for my SIL's shower. We worded it as "Please join us for a "ladies-only" brunch honoring _______ and the upcoming arrival of ___________". No one brought any kids, and we had a wonderful time.
it happens alot. My friend just let me know hers will be kid free. I just told her that I was fine with it but it probably meant that some people wont come prob bc they were offended by it or they have no one to watch their child/ren. You could maybe ask a husband or two if they are willing to watch a couple kids that those people are offended by it.
I see nothing wrong with it at all. I can't imagine wanting to take my kids to a shower like that. The only kids I would think that would be "ok" are the babies (I mean the non-crawling kind that can't be away from mom for nursing reasons or something) or pre teen or older that are capable of not running around and destroying things. If your relative can't come because of a child care sitution, could your husband offer to help out and watch his nephew or niece for the afternoon? If she's wanting to have a family one, why not have a seperate one later, maybe after the baby comes. I would still invite everyone to the big shower so you don't have to split the guest list, but I would make sure they knew they would not be expected to bring two gifts if the family members are invited to both. Being invited to more than one shower, they may think they are expected to provide multiple gifts which can be costly. I remember when my sister in law was getting married, she had 6 showers, an engagement party, and a pre wedding party. Being in the wedding party, we were expected to be at all that and the maid of honor expected us to bring gifts to everything. It was ridiculous and made us quite resentful after a while. I would have felt better had the bride said to just come, it's your presence we want, not your presents.
I'm curious--when did it become o.k. to dictate what other people do at their parties? Your hostess has legitimate concerns for not inviting children, and those should be honored. I would tell your family member that you're sorry she won't be able to attend and leave it at that. Don't allow her to peel off your family for another shower, unless you truly want a second shower. Otherwise, let her know that one is sufficient and that you'll miss her at this one.
I know this is delicate, especially since it involves family. However, I think it's rude for people to invite their children and get offended when their children aren't welcome. If your children aren't invited and you can't go anywhere without them, don't go to the event!
Children should never be brought to a baby shower unless specifically invited by the hostess. It is rude to bring anyone to a party if they were not invited. So, if people are going to be inconsiderate on your special day then just tell them politely that this is a ladies event and they will have to leave the kids at home. Maybe you should buy this relative an etiquette book for her birthday.
Of course it's OK. It's your day and should be the way you and the host want it. I had a ladies only shower when I was pregnant with my first child. Now that I have children it would NEVER occur to me to be offended if someone wanted to have a party, babyshower, wedding with no children. It's important to have adult only time. I agree with you, I see nothing wrong with the women having some time alone to enjoy each others company and not have to worry about kids runnning around. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this issue when looking forward to a wonderful celebration.
This is a baby shower for you not that little boy. so have it your way and tell the boys mom that she can get a baby sitter if she wants to come and that its not personal but its not like the kids have any fun at these things any way...
I find that the mom really needs a shower just for herself make it a special day no kids and have fun... if your friend is offended she just needs to get over herslef.
People often forget that when they are invited, they should be happy they have been included. This is about you, and it should be an enjoyable time for you as opposed to being more stressful. You have every right to not want kids dragging chocolate covered whatevers and tomato sauce all over your house. On the other hand, if she wants to host one and invite family members, then I would let her. I just hope other family members are understanding and will still attend the one that your friend is throwing for you. Try not to let the pettyness (if that is even a word) get to you. You have enough to worry/think about, without others adding needless stress. I hope everything works out, but you should not feel guilty about your desires when it is your shower.
I have been to baby showers where we all brought our kids (usually toddlers/infants though), but that is my circle of friends.
I have also been invited to ladies-only parties and have never been offended. I can see why your sister wants an all family thing, but really, this is YOUR shower and the all ladies idea is going to be elegant and relaxing without kids.
Just explain that to her and say you really want your family to be there too, and you don't need to have 2 showers. The children will get to meet the little one when it arrives and they can have a meet the baby little family get together or something if they want then (that's what we did). I think it was rude of her to try and split up your baby shower pitting friends vs. family and I wouldn't be afraid to tell her so.
Honestly though, our family has to do 2 parties of EVERYTHING since the families don't get along. One party for one side and another party for the other and another for friends. We had to put the foot down and say "enough!", this isn't about a party, it's about an event that we can choose to enjoy or not- you can't cater to everyone.
It is your party, and you can have it any way you like. It sounds like both your and your friend who is hosting have done everything possible to be tactful and not hurt anyone's feelings. Your sister-in-law will receive an invitation, and it will be her choice to come or not according to the request not to bring her child. You are about to have your hands full with your baby. I think it is great that you are going to have a lovely adult only shower!!!! With three kids already, how often do you really get to relax and enjoy adult company? It is a treat you deserve. I think you should thank your sister-in-law for her offer and politely decline, mentioning as you did to us that you don't want the shower split and have already added all the relatives to the first guest list. She doesn't have to like it, but it should be what you want. I hope this helps. Good luck!
PS I think people would know that a nursing infant is usually an exception to a "no kids" party. They usually eat and sleep only at that point.
I personally think that your friend is awesome for throwing such a splendid shower. However, since it's not a "typical" shower, she might want to change the wording on the invitations to something like "Ladies Luncheon/Dinner Party & Shower" honoring D. and Sweetpea or something more elegant & clever.
There are ways to get the message across without putting "adults only" in writing on the invitations. For example, maybe adjust the time to later in the evening. Would 7:30pm be too late for someone to take their kids out? Especially on a school night? Probably so.
If your family wants to throw you a seperate shower and invite eveyone else including the kids, then that's a gift to you as well. Then, you can invite all the kids to that one if family members are invited to both. Friends and family are just trying to spoil you, and sometimes it can be hectic and feelings get hurt. I hope things turn out better, and that their gifts can be blessings to your newest sweetpea.
When my son was born, I think had 3 showers, and all you have to do is show up and be gracious and thankful for their love for your little one on the way.
Go with your feelings - this is YOUR shower. As another of the ladies said on here - we can't please everyone. As far as being gracious, I would have to say if it were a matter of your fam wanting to throw you a "special fam-only shower", that would be one thing, but it does appear it is for personal reasons, so it would seem your fam member can't see that the day is about YOU and plan accordingly, putting personal feelings aside. However, as family can often be the most trying to deal with, and if you don't want to risk ruffling feathers, split into two showers. Whatever decision you make, feel good about it - this is your special time. God Bless and good luck.
It is more than ok to have an adults only baby shower. Just explain that due to the number of people invited and the location it has to be adults only. Tell her that if she is unable to find a babysitter, you will miss having her there. Hopefully that will let her know that you and your friend have already made the plans and that's the way it is going to be (but a little more tactfully :).) Personally I'm offended when people bring children to baby and wedding showers. This is one of the last chances to enjoy a kid-free couple of hours, you should enjoy it!
I don't think its wrong at all. In fact, its your day, so your family member will get over it. When she says she wants to plan another party, if you're really not agreable with that idea, just politely decline and tell her the truth. They will either get over it or move on. I'm sure you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but you are so blessed to have a friend that would do such a wonderful thing! Enjoy your day, you can't make everyone happy all the time and it should be about you and your new baby!
Absolutely it is OK! It is your time, and a celebration of God's gift of life to you guys. Not time for someone else to make it about them! Which, of course, everyone has someone in their family who will do that! I would tell her that you would love to have her at the shower for adults only. If she wants to throw a family only shower then enjoy that time too. You aren't going to be able to control how people will respond. Enjoy your time!
I don't understand why anyone would WANT to take their children to a baby shower!! It isn't a b-day party, but a party for the adults to welcome the new baby!!
That was pretty rude of her to react that way. If she couldn't make the shower, then she should had declined in a more respectable manner.
I say stick to your guns with this one. It sounds like a really cool party, in fact, I'm envious!! If your family member wants to throw her own "shower", then let her, but ask her to seperate it from this one, or even have a "welcome to the family" shower for the baby after he/she is born. It sounds like one shower is plenty for you, but to let this family member do a party her way would keep the peace.
Enjoy your shower, and have some chocolate for me!!
Of course it's okay! I have not attended many baby showers where children were present, because the focus should be on the expectant parents, not on children! Children are, by nature, ego-centric, focused on what they want here and now, and very few have developed enough company manners to handle chocolate fountains, drinks, and Italian food. And what child can resist interrupting an adult conversation??
If your family member wants to host a separate children's party welcoming your newest sweetpea into the world, let her go for it. The kids could create a special scrapbook identifying different members of the family, that will become a treasure when your baby is old enough to hear the family stories. Kids LOVE having books like these. A friend of mine prepared albums like this when she remarried, and her son got new grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. His book identifies all of his step-dad's family, and their book identifies all of his local folks and activities.
Good luck with that family member.
I have never been to a baby shower that children were at except for my 1st baby shower. I have 2 nieces and I thought it would be fun for them to be there and see the cute baby things that there little cousin was getting, but other than that there were no other children there, and that was my choice. I think you have every right to feel this way especially with it being at your house! I never would take it personal that someone said any party was adults only. Hey, it is fun to have some girl time. If your friend still insist on having you another shower, I would just let her do it, not at your house though. It will be another fun party for you to get to go to and open presents at. :)
I didn't even read all your post and didn't read any of the responses. I just wanted to let you know that many people have more than one baby shower (or wedding shower!) and different groups go to them. My niece had 2 baby showers, one with friends and family in Dallas, and one with family (large, extended) in Houston. One of my friends moved to Oklahoma. I'm guessing she had a baby shower there, but we (church friends) had one, and her best friend from high school had one. Three!
This doesn't seem like anything to get heated up over. So, have two! One with kids, one without! Don't choose to get steamed over something so small!
Lighten up! Enjoy life! Don't set yourself up to be the Grinch of the family!!! ENJOY LIFE! Choose to be happy and gracious!
I see absolutely nothing wrong with this idea. I have a church family that we do this with once a month, ladies night and no children allowed. Our husbands or babysitter always watch the kids. It's important sometimes that we have a ladies time even if it is a babyshower. This baby shower is all about you and your unborn baby anyways not someone elses feelings, the other person is being self centered. Congrats on the baby! They're precious and so priceless, enjoy every second!
oh this gets under my skin!! i had the same thing happen to me. just let her know you don't appreciate it and it will be done YOUR way. she will get over it..or she won't..either way, this is your day to enjoy and never let someone take it away from you.
If the Dads aren't invited, I see no problem with it being Ladies Only. This gives most of the Mom's someone to leave the kids with without having to hire a babysitter. I'm sorry your family member is offended, but sometimes we do things for those we care about that is inconvenient.
I had 4 showers - one was hosted by my husband's mom (in Wichita Falls), one was hosted by my colleagues (in DFW), one was hosted by my church (in WF), and one was hosted by my sister (in Louisiana).
All 4 were different, all 4 were much appreciated, and due to the fact that there wasn't much overlap in the guest list no one got offended.
I don't think there is anything wrong with your ladies only baby shower, although to be honest I've never seen one - that's more bridal showers, IMO, but I also don't think there is anything wrong with your friend wanting to host a good old guess how many diaper pins in the jar, identify the melted candy bar poo variety where kids are pretty much guaranteed either. She's not splitting up your shower - she's given you another, and it's not like people have to buy you presents twice, even if they come to both.. or hers could be a "dipes and wipes" or a "dipes, wipes, and casseroles" shower... most family members, in my experience, bring those anyway right before the baby comes.
I think, honestly, you're making an issue where there isn't one - and were I this family member, the odds are excellent that it would get big enough that it wouldn't be an issue anymore.. you have your ladies only shower, I'll stay home with my kids and keep my present.
Again - JMO, but that could be why I only have 3 close girlfriends... I hate drama.
It's your shower! I know sometimes because of my husbands work I can't always go to stuff like that because of not having someone to watch the kids. One time I want to something like that and the lady had already arranged for somewhere the husbands and kids could go. Maybe see what your husband is going to do with your other kids and see if he minds any others tagging along with them. Even if it's just to a park. That way they know their kids will be safe.
It is important to have adult time especially when you have 3 already and another one on the way! Good luck and God bless!
I am so jealous the shower sounds so fun! (I'm expecting my third in April)
At my son's shower (I only had one- for my first) there were only women.. my cousin brought her baby but she was only a couple weeks old. MY husband, brothers, and dad went to a local sports bar to watch the game and be out of out hair :)
I think kids would be bored. I know my 2 boys would drive me crazy and as the hostess, Mommy Of Honor, or guest I would not enjoy myself.
So don't change anything- but if your family member insists, make sure her kid friendly shower is NOT at your house. And just try to turn a blind eye to the mayhem :) Maybe having it not just be kid friendly but men friendly could be helpful for everyone... albit a little bit more noisy and messy.
It's YOUR shower and you can have whatever you want. Besides YOU are not the one hosting the shower so the rules are set by the other person. Don't be offended. Simply state that you are sorry she is not able to find someone to watch her son for the shower, but you really wish she would so that she can attend and spend some quality time with you and the other adults before the baby arrives. Typically baby showers and bridal showers ARE for Adults Only. It is rare that they include whole families or children at all.
SAHM of two; 18 and 5. Home BAKER and CANDY MAKER. Married tot he same wonderful man for almost 12 years.
Since you have asked... I personally don't feel that it is tactful to ask people to leave their children at home during events like weddings and showers. To me, both are a celebration of family, and kids are a big part of that. It is not always easy to find someone to watch children in the first place. Now, I see nothing wrong with the idea of 2 showers... 1 formal, adult women only, and 1 more family friendly and all-inclusive... why not? That way nobody gets left out and nobody is offended. Personally, I would have to think twice about going to a wedding/shower at which I couldn't bring my kids... they are a part of me and go where I go. Good luck!!
In are tradition,(i'm mexican) is only soppuse to be adults no kids nor husbands lol but it sound great just the adults with husbands in it. my opinion is yess just adults and no kids, me myself have a lot of kids so i usually don't mind if anything i love having my kids around, but some times we need that time where is just us and friends with out having to chase kids around, your plan sound perfect. i'm sorry one of your friend took it personal but come on u can't satisfy everyone this is about you. usually the person that puts these together takes care of these and pretty much everything because of these situations. i think your friend should print out a flyer an explain her plans. so there won't be no miss understandings.
well hope everything goes well.
congratulations on your baby.
This is only my opinion obviously, so take it or leave it, but...
I think it is a bit rude to say 'adults only,' especially for a BABY shower. I probably wouldn't come if I got an invitation that said adults only just b/c I have a baby that I breastfeed and I'm not willing to leave him. I'd much rater miss out on the opportunity to have a chocolate fountain than to leave my child at home. It's a shower to celbrate a CHILD, so invite the CHILDREN!! =) Hope it all works out!
You've gotten lots of great responses already, but just in case you still have any doubt... You should have absolutely no reservations about having an adult-only party! We should never want to intentionally offend anyone, but people who are offended by this type of thing have their own issues that only they can address in order to avoid it. You (and your friend hostess) should be able to throw whatever type of party you want to throw. If you want to have a black-tie, adults-only party with a clown, you are free to do so. AND... you don't have to explain it to anybody. Your reasons are your reasons. Whether it's because you don't have room, worry about a mess, or just want to be child free for 3 hours.
As for your family member, whatever her reasons for being offended are a separate matter from the party-throwing. She's either upset because she already feels left out or she's resentful about being tied down, or stressed about not being able to find appropriate babysitting in general. If you are close or have a decent relationship otherwise, maybe after all this is over you could offer some affirmation to her. But again, that's a separate issue from whether or not you invite children to the party.
As for the situation now, it was rude of her to dictate how your party would be handled. But despite her behavior, you should consider if allowing her to host another party at which children would be welcome works. Be sure to consider timing of the party, whether you are up for another event before the baby's born or if it needs to be after, etc. But also, if you decide it could work, let her know that it wouldn't replace the original shower and that she is still welcome to attend the ladies' shower with everyone else.
It is fine to have an adult only baby shower but as you set the rules you have to realize some won't want to follow them. Let them have the other baby shower. In a world that wants to take all the time and never give back, you need to stop and think that you are not just accepting a shower given in your honor. There are other considerations and one is being gracious. There are people who want to give you another kind of shower, ok? That is their gift to you and you need to be gracious and accept it. She is clearly uncomfortable with the "no kids" shower and who knows someday soon the shoe maybe on the other foot!!
I just hosted a candle party and wanted ladies only so I recruited my teenage daughter and a friend to watch everyones kids in a room set up just for them. They had movies, toys, games, and refreshments... sort of their own fun party. On the invitations I stated that babysitting would be available for donations. The girls had fun babysitting and also made a great amount of money while doing it.
If you know anybody willing to babysit maybe you could offer the same kind of arrangement.
Have the two showers! The one will be beautiful and adult friendly and the other can include the kids. 40 is to many for one party. How many quality conversations can you have with 40 people in 3 hours? Your guests will enjoy the smaller group. And besides I would get board watching you open 40 presents!
I think it sounds great. Can I come. Ladies need some let your hair down fun, without husbands or children. For this reason I have a group that I play Bunko with, once a month. I believe that there might be an underlying issue here. Does the relative with the child just not feel included or uncomfortable around your friends? Try having a heart to heart with her, tell her that you want her to help with the shower, if that's an option. Explain to her that it would be a lot cheaper this way and that she can participate in the planning. Do all you can to help her not feel left out. Just a thought.