Is Dating Ok for Teens?

While this may not fully answer your question, my main advice is don't go against your sister's choices when it comes to how she chooses to raise HER own children as long as she isn't being abusive, which based on what you described does not seem to be the case. My husband and I had very strong opinions about how we should raise our older son and my best friend, who was a very close family friend, disagreed with our choices. She intervened and essentially drove a wedge between our oldest son and us that has never been repaired. In hindsight, everyone involved now sees that our decisions were the right ones as our son has gone on to far worse situations as a result of that one bad choice, but there is nothing any of us can do to turn back time. She and I are still friends, but by no means best friends anymore. She way overstepped her boundaries when she got in the middle of the situation and now all of us, especially our son, are suffering the consequences of it.

I think it's ok for you to voice your opinion TO YOUR SISTER, NOT HER DAUGHTER, about what you think is the better way to handle the situation, but if your sister disagrees, it would probably be best just to do what you can to support her, not go against her. Parents aren't always right, but they almost ALWAYS have the child's best interest at heart. People who are not the parents think they know best, but they can often have opinions that are clouded by other issues they have with the parents, and in the end, those "ulterior motives", even subconscious ones, can hurt everyone involved. The parents also may have more knowledge about the situation that you may not be aware of, so you might be making judgments without all of the facts.

I would let your sister and her husband handle their own children in their own way. If they make a mistake, they will get through it and won't have anyone else to blame. If you try to change things because you think you know better, you will most likely regret it in the long run and could cause a lot more heartache for everyone involved than leaving the issue alone would have done to begin with.

The one thing that plays over and over in my mind from the time that we had the major breakdown with our son because of my best friend's interference was what would she have done if it was her child and we were the ones interfering with her choices? You love your niece, but she's your niece, not your daughter. Let her mom and dad be the parents.

Blessings,
N.

Did your sister or her husband date in high school?
Would it be ok with them if she had a boyfriend in church?
Do they know this young man? Have they met the family?

Is the boy at least allowed to go to their home and spend time with them?
Is there something wrong with him? Is he a trouble maker?

It seems extreme to me too. Mostly because the kids I know that are teenagers are really good kids. They come from nice families. Most of the kids today do not go on dates as much as they go out in groups..

They need to think about what kind of message they are sending their daughter. It sounds like they do not trust her to make good decisions. Has she been in trouble before?

It is hard to have our kids grow up, but I would rather my child date while still living at home than to start dating after they move away to go to college. At home you can guide behaviors, you can set rules. Hold on to anything too tight it will just fight and fight to get free.. or it will break .

Tell your sister she needs to cut the ambilical cord already. Dating is pretty innocent when you are 15 years old. It's part of going to High School. Her daughter is missing a lot of things and she will hate her mother before she's 18! If she meets another boy at her school are they going to put her in a convent? As long as you talk about sex and tell your child what you expect out of them, she should be okay. She sounds like she just wants to be a teenage girl.

And we KNOW how much you love your sister, because you tagged this as a "little" extreme.

Personally, I think it's off the deep end NUTS if that's the whole story, which I don't doubt (I just caveat because I do know families who've come across such terrible boyfriends/girlfriends/frenemies with their children that they've changed schools for their kids the same way an adult would change a job to escape a hostile work environment).

Lunacy aside... it's their choice... and their relationship with their daughter that they're effecting. She'll react to it as her personality dictates, and the cards will fall as they may (meaning it could be positive or negative).

Since it's not abusive, I second staying out of it...

OR

Doing as you would have your sister do. Meaning if you're fine with your 15yo dating (I am), if you'd feel okay having your sister tell her it's NOT okay / in any other way meddling with how you've chosen to raise your child then talk to your niece. Ditto if you'd feel okay if your sister talked to YOU about it, talk to your sister, in the same way that you would want someone to talk to you.

Sorry, but that's INSANE! It's perfectly appropriate and normal for 15 year olds to have boyfriends and date! Instead of being freaks about it, they need to communicate with her about the downsides of being sexually active and that they want her to wait, but if she doesn't, it's INCREDIBLY important that birth control and condoms are used. All your sister and her husband are doing is driving an enormous wedge between them and their daughter that may exist for the rest of their lives. It's this kind of situation that leads to people walking into their kids' room one night to find the window open and the kid gone -or worse.

Honestly, it's none of your business. You have one picture of what is happening. You don't know the whole story. You really don't know what all has gone on in their family. I'm sure we have family members who don't like the way we raise our children. That's too bad. It isn't their responsibility to raise our kids. We have to do what we think is best with our children. Do you have any children this age? Do you really have any idea what it is to raise a teenager in this world? Our kids don't date. To us, it is divorce training. They give their hearts away only for them to be broken again and again. Why? To get used to it? In our opinion, it is wrong to do this. Our kids are on board with this because we have taught them this from childhood. When they are actually prepared for marriage, then, they can start looking for a wife (or be prepared to be one). Not before. Meanwhile, they work on character, career choices and personal interests. Way less pressure, and much better use of their time. :)

Hi!
I have to say that I too have friends who have kept their children from dating until they were out of high school, and believe it or not, they have turned out great!! They are smart, socially well adjusted kids in great relationships. None of them have married crazy young, and have great futures!! I think though, that they were not sheltered. They were exposed to all different types of life styles, given the tools to choose, and them made choices themselves. They were not kept hidden from real life. They saw friends in relationships and the crazy ups and downs, they saw and were exposed to the everyday things that teens go through. They were just supported enough that they could make wise choices. Were they perfect? No. But they were given a set of values that their parents followed and expected of them, and then they were forgiven if they made mistakes. They also had the ability to go out in groups and had a a great time doing so. I think that if parents can follow the same values they set for their kids, even though they might test the limits, kids will follow these values. Blessings to you and your sister!! :-)

I haven't read all of the answers you have received so far but I would say that based on the information you provided I completely disagree with anyone who believes that the parents are correct if this is truly the way they are handling the situation. Changing schools simply because of a boy is extreme and insane in my opinion. I have a 15, soon to be 16 year old daughter and I have done all I can to instill good values and morals in her first and foremost. I have explained to her that as she gets older she will need to exercise the things that I've taught her and that it is up to her to make good choices. We watch shows together like Secret Life of the American Teenager and while sometimes the show is pretty corny, she just told me today that one thing she knows for sure is that she does not want to be like any of the girls on that show because ironically we were texting back and forth about a situation where she and her friend who just turned 15 want to hang out with some friends and there are some boys who she doesn't know that will be there. Her friends mom and I agreed that since we don't know the boys they can all hang out at her house, an environment that both of us are comfortable with. It's best to be flexible and always keep the lines of communication open. Situations like this are a great opportunity to get closer to your kids and teach them lessons without making them feel like you are being a dictator. If the parents are too strict, this girl will ultimately find a way to do whatever it is she wants to do and who knows what may happen as a result.

Not to be mean, but I guess I would do the same thing as your sister. I don't think teens should date till 16 and only then with an adult chaperone until 18. My kids go to a Christian School connected with our church. They do not have any friends outside of the church. If I was uncomfortable with a boyfriend or girlfriend or even just a friend that I felt they were getting too close or were not a good influence, I would distance my child from them. Besides, it is her child and it's her decision how to deal with it not yours. I don't always agree with how my friends handle situations with their children, but it is their decision not mine and they did not ask my advice. I really think that even if you disagree with your sister you should stand behind and support her in her decision. I am having to do that now with my sister. She has decided to give her ex yet another chance (he has had many, many, many chances) . I really think that she should dump him and forget him. He will never grow up, he will never step up to the plate and face responsibility, and he will always have a drug problem. My sister knows how I feel and how the rest of the family feel but she also knows that whatever her decision is we will support and we will treat him like family. It does get hard at times, but ultimately the decision is hers. I know that is not what your looking for, but it is true.

Ok! I am adding this to my previous answer after reading the post made after me. I was raised this way. Most all of my friend were raised this way. Myself and most all of my friends have made good marriages. Only a very few have married Mr. Wrong. If my sister would have listened to us prior to marrying her Mr. Wrong she would have never married him. She had plenty of admirers and wishes she would have given some of them a chance. We told her that her Mr. Wrong would not work, was on drugs, etc. before she married him. She eloped. She admits now that she should have never had anything to do with him but because we don't believe in divorce she feels guilty about having divorced him and keeps giving him chances. This result is not typical though. I think you sister is doing the right thing whatever her reasons are. There may be some reasons she is not sharing with you that would cause you to agree with her decision of you knew them. Reasons that she feels she needs to keep a lid on to protect her daughters reputation.

I wasn't allowed on boy/girl one on one dates until age 16, but we always were allowed to go out in GROUPS of girls and boys and there were a few 'couples' in the mix at that age.

Quite frankly, praying is not a bad thing, but these teenagers are most likely going to tune out inspirational speakers, etc. It sounds like this is a good girl, goes to church, etc. - she and this boy should not be made to feel as if they ARE doing something 'wrong' when they haven't done anything!!

The best thing your sister can do is get to KNOW her daughter's boyfriend and his family. Have him over for dinner, and ask to meet his folks. That way both families can feel more comfortable and trust their kids.

The other thing is to KNOW the girl's friends- when I was growing up, my girlfriends and I all looked out for each other and none of us would EVER have let another get into any bad situations with a boy or anyone else. Having her daughter's friends over at the house and making sure that these girls can trust and rely on EACH OTHER will be the best safeguard against anything happening that your sister doesn't want.

Putting her foot down is just going to create a 'Romeo and Juliet' situation. Invite the boy over for dinner, allow a few afternoon trips to the mall or a movie with a GROUP of friends where the boy is also involved and tell the daughter and boyfriend up front that she can't go on one -on-one dates until she turns 16. That way everyone has a chance to get used to things first. Trust is key- but it is a two way street- your sister needs to GIVE some trust in order to GET some back!

If they ask for your opinion, I would give it. If not, leave it alone- it isn't your business. It sounds like they are not comfortable with her dating and are doing what they can to prevent it.

It sounds like to me that you are not going to be able to change her mind. She feels she is doing what is right and that dating is a big no no. What is going to happen is that her daughter will run off as soon as she gets a taste of freedom and will be totally wild and make bad decisions because she will have never learned how to choose right over wrong in a safe protected environment. Sad as it is, you just to accept her parenting choices.

My parents were much the same way but not religious based. They didn't go to church at all. I never really dated or had any freedom to go do things with any friends, all my friends at school were Christian, quite a few work for the Baptist Convention today as Pastors and traveling leadership trainers, and I attended church regularly. I was so immature at 18. I also married the first guy to show any interest in me because I thought no one wanted me. He is a great guy but we weren't in love, had a baby, and got divorced. His current wife is the best thing that ever happened to my family. I have even stayed the night at their house when I needed to stay in their town for appointments and my mom wasn't home for me to stay with her. So, it wasn't Mr. Wrong, maybe it was Mrs. Wrong because I needed to grow up and learn all the things most 18 year old kids know.

Just support your sister and love her and her family the best you can.

My mom didn't let me go out even on a group date until I was 16. By then I felt so awkward and out of it – the boys in my class who had ever shown any interest in me had other girlfriends, and I ended up not having an actual date until I was nearly 18. I didn't know how to deflect a hug or a kiss if I didn't want it, and got kissed by some toads. Didn't know how to say "no" gracefully, so I lost a few potential second dates.

Finally I got married to the first guy who really kissed me, at 18. Mr. Wrong, right? But I had nobody to compare him to, and I was so lonely I thought no other boy would ever want an awkward geek like me. Boy, did I make mistakes. My three younger sisters had similarly sad experiences, but only two of the four of us ever married, and there were abortions. I don't think our mom did us any favors trying to "protect" us for so long. But she's still convinced that's the way to give girls a good Christian upbringing.

I doubt that you'll be able to "help" your sister see things any other way.

Maybe they are able to see something that you don't. They are her parents and they are growing and learning how to deal with life, just like she is. I remember being that age and being curious about the whole thing and my mom helped me by giving me great resources to listen to and read about relationships. So while I was boy crazy, I was still learning about how to expect respect from boys. We are still feeling this topic out with our daughter (she's also 15). We want her to be in situations where she is going to be honored by someone who takes the time to do something special, like go to dinner or a movie, or an ice cream cone to get to know someone, so that she can learn what being honored is like (not just letting a guy hang out, and never treat her specially) But dating has gotten a bad reputation, because media and society jumps right into bed straight from dating, rather than helping kids have the expectation of reserving sex for marriage. So parents go to the opposite extreme to cut off the emotions that are budding in their children.

Help your sister by pointing her to Christian speakers who have messages that help parents put proper understandings towards dating, courtship and marriage. I was just listening to the radio, and http://www.focusonthefamily.com/ had a speaker just today that was talking on this topic, it was funny, yet covered the topic well. Click on Solomon on Romance (Pt 1 of 2) (the 2nd part is also there today) Rev. Tommy Nelson is speaking. Can't tell you how exactly talk this speaks to this topic.

I also like Voddie Baucham's What He Must Be (If He Wants to Marry My Daughter.) He includes dad in the process of guarding his daughter's heart (before the guy's already won the girl's heart) but still doesn't put off young adults from meeting, getting to know each other, or courting until they 40 (like others seem to by how they address this topic)

and /www.virtuousreality.com/blog/ is for teen-girls about a variety of topics.

http://vickicourtney.com/ is the blog for moms (she started virtuous reality ministries) I don't know how you can find this but she once wrote a blog on how she found out that her son was going over to hang out with some girls to watch t.v. because he had it stressed to him that he shouldn't date. She realized that, really the girl wasn't being honored by being treated in a special way. They were just hanging out. So she paid for him to take her out for a steak dinner. Just so he could learn to respect the girl for that time.

I've seen a lot of weird understandings about the whole topic, many based on fear, because, well, dating makes one vulnerable and exclusive dating shifts a person's focus onto the boy or girlfriend and can take over the person's life at a time when there is still things to learn and do within his/her own family. But if rules cut the child off from her family what's the point? The tendency is to want to throw away the rule book just to try to get our sons or daughters to like us again, or "because they're going to do it anyway." If her parents have set certain rules for her, then she needs to abide by them. She may just thank them some day, but helping all involved learn and grow, keeping the dialogue open, is a good thing.

I think I would need more information to comment. But you seem to want to help her. Has your sister asked you for help.

Tough watching our kids grow up in a world where most songs they like to listen to suggest drugs, sex, and alcohol, and those stations also advertise condoms, viagra commercials air during prime time viewing, and in general it is an instant gratification culture! Instead of sheltering them, we have to arm them with the values and morals we want them to embrace. Otherwise, I fear, they want what we restrict them from even more and go out of their way to find it. I suggest you get your sister the book Powering of a Praying Parent by Stormy Omartian. There are very specific prayers for these types of situations.

Its a tough one because no parent wants to be told they are not handling a situation well. On that note, I do agree with you that it is extreme. I rember being 15 na dif my parents had done that ot would have pushed me to lie and rebel. Personally I think that at 15 if the child has shown signs of resposiblity and good choices why not trust them to date. Just make sure you make them aware of conciquinces of taking a relationship to "the next level". I know not all parents would agree, which os why I think it would be hard for you to interviene in your sisters parenting techniquies with out it creating a figh tnetween the two of you (unless you have a relationship that you can). I know we all ahve a hard time letting go and letting them grow up but if you constrain them it just makes them push away harder. By building a trusting realtionship I think kids make smarter choices for themselves. Unless she is being untrust worthy, lying, or shows great immaturity to make decisions I dont see a problem with dating. Hope this helps ((HUGS))

I believe we need to do things ,"old school" the kids are too young they have hormones going on and peer pressure,"every body has a boyfriend kind of thing" I know we can't control everything they do but you can encourage them and build them up in ways like keeping them active in sports or dance etc. talking to your kids often about the butterflys and birds and the bees kind of thing with the good Lords help. Parents are to train and equip their kids not be a helping hand to ruin their precious lives. So be strong, stay firm and stay active and keep the kids active and then you will have less worries about the boyfriend thing. Aloha

The parents are doing a great job and you don't need to say anything to them.