I have never had an issue with strip clubs or my significant other going. I have been to them. No biggie. I do however have an issue with my significant other telling me that they went to a club versus strip club, especially when they are aware about my lax attitude towards them. It makes me feel as there is something they are hiding if they were not upfront about it. It’s upsetting to feel like I was intentionally lie to.
Ok, I don’t think I was very clear with my concern initially. So I had a conversation with my SO about his work trip to Vegas. He mentioned he ran into a friend while there and hung out. I asked what they did and he said they went to a club and got home at 2:30am. Then immediately changed the subject. Ok fine. The following day I found a receipt from the store that marked the time at 3:45am. Now I’m concerned because I was told something else. So I asked my SO if he went to a strip club. He asked why I’m suddenly interested and curious. I told to to please answer me. He said yes. So then I asked him why he didn’t just tell me he went to a strip club. He said it’s the same thing. I am usually laxed about strip clubs because i don’t think strippers “want my man” or are even interested in the men who go there. I think they are working. My #1 concern is that I don’t feel like my SO was being honest about it. I think he was probably trying to avoid me knowing that’s where he went because it may prompt more questions. I don’t know his thoughts because when I asked him why he didn’t say strip club, he said they are the same thing and he didn’t think he had to differentiate. I then told him I feel like he wasn’t transparent with me and I feel like he intentionally withheld this information for a reason. Had he said strip club in the beginning I would have taken it with a grain of salt and moved on. I just have a gut feeling he purposely didn’t want me to know. And that’s where red flags go off for me. I feel it was a little manipulative. I’ve always told my SO to be truthful even if it hurts me. I really hate the feeling of having half truths being told or hiding. Does this make sense?
I completely get where you are coming from, to me a "club" means a place to dance or hang out and is not the same thing as a "strip club". I too am lax about that sort of thing so I would be very confused and concerned as to why he felt the need to hide it this time. Talk to him, only he knows what he was thinking.
Gross. I mean, I have no problem with going clubbing or dancing with friends but strip clubs are just NASTY.
Having said that, I'm not sure why you'd have more of a problem with a strip club than a regular club. Strippers have zero interest in your man, they're just trying to make a living. The girls at a regular club might actually be looking to hook up, so I think if you have a problem you've got it backwards (?)
Why don't you and your significant other talk about it?
He should be able to tell you where he was and what he was doing.
It's probably a strip club and he's not likely joined the Masons, the Knights of Columbus or the Shriner s.
Wouldn't he want to know if it was you going out to 'a club'?
Personally I'd have a problem with my husband hanging out in strip clubs.
First it's degrading to women and second the only reason women do that is to separate fools from their money - and there are plenty of fools out there.
If he's throwing away money there - then he's not spending it on you or your family.
If he's determined to be a fool - what do you want him for?
If he's joined a charitable organization and will be driving tiny cars in parades or raising money for a worthy charitable cause he'd be earning my respect.
If he wants to tie bells on and go Morris dancing more power to him.
Additional:
Vegas? The whole town is a club - pretty much 24/7.
You have trust issues.
Never mind the receipt - why is he your significant other if you don't trust him?
It seems you are looking for reasons to drive yourself crazy.
If there's no trust then just break up already and move on.
You need to take a break from relationships for awhile - few years - until you are ready to trust someone again.
This guy isn't him.
You deserve peace of mind - and so does your SO - you two just aren't working out together.
Why don’t you ask what kind of club? Could be car club, cards club, etc.
I get that most people automatically think of club as nightclub or possibly strip club.
For us.. we refer the the club as the upscale country club we belong to and go often for social activities, golfing, and exercise.
Just ask your husband and communicate.
The only way to know which club he went to is to ask him. There are clubs different than strip clubs. Lounges can be called clubs.
I recently had lunch with my grandmother at the club - her country club. You would have found us "in the club" that day.
You should ask him what varietal of club he prefers. Dance club, country club, strip club.
As mamazita notes below, strip club is one type of club where women are not really on the prowl to hook up, the women stripping are just trying to make a living. At other types of clubs, anything could happen!
Reading down, I'm not sure if you changed your question - however, I'll answer as it is now.
I would take it to mean, club is a club (patrons dance/bar) and strip club is where strippers perform/bar.
So no - not the same thing.
I don't get it. Your significant other told you that they went to a club. Why is that hiding something if he told you?
Lax to me means you don't care ...
I'm not following.
ETA:
I read the bit you added. So your main concern is you feel your man is lying to you. Ok now I get it. You're ok with strip clubs because you trust your man there, but you don't trust your man in a club where women could hit on him. So essentially, you don't trust your man.
I would trust my hubby no matter where he went. He's gone to regular 'clubs' on conferences because that's where they've been held (they all went out to them afterwards) and I don't worry about it.
So has your guy given you cause to worry in the past, or is this your issue? Figure out why you are concerned, and go from there.
If you have red flags going off ... I would just deal with them. If he's lying .. not good. If it's your own insecurities, also not good. If he's lying, that's a relationship problem and ultimately you have to deal with it (figure out how you will react). If it's you (insecure and looking for reasons to doubt him) - maybe a session or two with a counselor.
Why are you so hung up on splitting hairs with "the truth." He told you the truth - a club is a strip club; so is a country club, book club, etc. The problem is you want specific details and that really isn't necessary in a relationship with good trust in it. And then to find a time stamped receipt and confront him with the fact that it was later than he said?!?!?! 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 a.m. - who cares? It's late. Period. If I rolled in the middle of the night after probably doing some drinking, I'd probably not remember the exact time either.
You are not ready for a relationship built on trust - which are the only kind that last. Either move on and let him find someone that will trust him or seek therapy to discuss your own issues. This isn't a him thing - this is a you thing.
P.S. any woman that says "tell me the truth even if it hurts me," is a woman who is always looking for the lie.
without knowing the circumstances it's hard to say.
the simple answer is no, there are a gazillion different kinds of clubs, so him assuming that 'going to the club' means going to stuff money down g-strings of pole dancers should be a red flag.
when someone tells me they're going to a club, without any further info, i assume it's dancing and drinking.
ETA i'm amazed at the folks who are nailing you for being too untrusting. i'm completely accepting of my husband, but this isn't remotely in the realm of things he'd do- and if he did, he'd say he went to a strip club. i'm all the way in your court- he was hedging and half-truthing and i would be completely unamused by it. there's nothing implicitly cheat-y about going to a strip club. but there's everything shady about a guy pulling semantics about telling you where he is. red flag big time.
khairete
S.
So many thoughts. I'll share a few.
1. Your question is about trust. No one here can tell you whether you should trust your husband or not. But if you are serious in your suspicion that your husband is hiding something from you, then I think you two need to talk, perhaps with the help of a counselor.
2. When you say you are "lax" about strip clubs, that infers that while you really disapprove, you let him get away with it. Perhaps it was just a word choice, but you may wish to consider your genuine feelings about strip clubs.
3. As for me, strip clubs are not where I want to be.
JR
I think you're splitting hairs. A club is a club. If my husband had told me they went to a club, I would have assumed it was a strip club while in Vegas and let it go. Timing? WHY THE HECK are you freaking over time? Tell me - when you go to Vegas - do you REALLY pay attention to the time so you can tell your SO EXACTLY what time you got in? No.
You're pushing on a door that doesn't need to be pushed. He told you he went to a club. He did. He was in LAS VEGAS - give me (and him) a break. Geez.
He didn't wake you up when he came in - you weren't there.
You are looking for EXACT times and information for a VEGAS trip. Girl - back off. Really. Back off. You're splitting hairs and looking for trouble.
No, a night club (fully (or mostly fully) dressed people dancing on the main floor of an establishment, drinking and/or eating) is not the same as a strip club (topless, nude, or half nude women gyrating on poles and men's laps asking for money, while patrons drink). If he didn't think it was a big deal, why not just be honest from the get-go and tell you he went to a strip club, considering you say you have no problem with strip clubs? I am somewhat puzzled that you're more threatened or worried about crowds of men and women dancing on a main floor versus women grinding and putting their breasts in your man's face and perhaps causing him to spend hundreds of dollars for sexual favors in the champagne room because that is how strippers make the bulk of their income, but that's just me. I would have more of an issue with someone not disclosing the true extent of their activities versus the discrepancy in the exact time shown on a receipt, sometimes it is much later than what you think (I know I have been at restaurants having snacks and drinks with friends, and shocked it is 3 a.m., when I thought we had just sat down to dinner an hour ago). You need to explore why he felt he should keep his activities a secret, maybe you have more of a breakdown in trust and/or communication than you thought. Counseling may not be a bad idea.
Did you tell him that? Go with him next time. Then you will find out.
