My son's first birthday is in a couple of months..Yeay..BUT....my husband and his mom(MY MIL) have always had issues with each other. My husband at times goes w/o seeing or talking to his mother. Besides my MIL just dropping by and not calling us..letting us know that they are coming by(and expects us to drop what we have planned)..or even...planning to BBQ at our place.....she really disrespected me when (last year) my husband tried to talk to her about how my two older children felt about their (step) grandma not acknowledging them, just the 2 little ones. This has plenty of times. My husband told her the first time he heard his mom make a comment, such as...Oh...Laurie...we came down just to see you.....My husband did tell her...Mom..you don't see the other 2 kids here? So, anyways, back to the conversation they had...it didn't go to well. She had said some really hurtful things to us both. It all did come down to it..where she said..can't you just tell them that grandma loves them too? My MIL wants us to put a "bandaid" on the situation. I don't agree with that..because...it'll happen again. She hasn't apologized for anything....my husband's step father did try contacting him in January to ask to see the kids. I didn't go with them....I don't even know how that visit went. I never asked...my husband didn't share either.
So, I was just wondering..do we invite them? I asked my husband if he wanted to invite them. He said he didn't know. I honestly, do not want to invite them..since my MIL ruined my daughter's 1st birthday a couple of years ago. I've been thinking about this..but...I'm not too sure what I should do..so..Moms...any suggestions?
With 4 children around the house and trying to get something out in the open....I didn't have grammar or proper language on my mind. I always figured this site to me that I could always come to as my "out"..as my "support".
But anyhow, I really appreciate all the comments & suggestions. This is definitely something for me to think about or not. My husband has had a really bad, unhealthy relationship with his mother since he was younger. When my husband started to have a family, he tried putting things aside and start new with his mother & 3 yrs later..we are here. She is definitely going to be who she is. My 2 older sons 13.5 and 10.5 were hoping that they would be "accepted"..into her life...but I guess not. And...we just have to accept that..sad...but true. Thanks again. Love the 2 separate party idea.
If you don't invite her, then you are doing exactly what you are upset at her for doing. Just because she is behaving this way, doesn't make it right for another person to do the same thing. Something to think about. I'd take the higher road instead of insisting on being right.
I wouldn't invite them to the big family part. I would talk to them about getting together just them and your family. No others to make a scene in front of.
M.
Two parties would be a great idea. You can have your "ideal" first party which is mainly for the parents anyway and then invite your MIL and anyone she gets along with to the second. Hopefully if some people go to both they will have the sense not to rub it in her face (or bring it up). Maybe the second could just be cake and have her stop by for that (acting like you want it to be low key). I do think you need to look at things from her perspective. She might not think of your kids from a prior relationship as her grandkids. I do not think there is anything wrong with that (might not be what you want to hear). Do your boys have family from their dad's side in their life that are not involved with your husband's kids? If so, maybe they can understand that not all their relatives are related to the babies and visa versa. Your boys are children and MIL should still be loving and sweet to them too and if not, keep your space from her. i would not have any of your children lie for you as another person suggested. If she calls you out on the party, let her know what a nightmare she is and it was the best way for you to allow your baby to celebrate with grandma and allow the other family members (including you) to feel comfortable.
I would invite them to a separate birthday party on another day and not mention the one you are giving for him. First birthday parties are usually small.
If you are asking your family then it's okay to keep it small and have a second one for your difficult MIL.
I don't like the fact that she disses your children. That is quite hurtful and something children have no ability to counter attack over unless they are more than 10 years old.
Updated
I would invite them to a separate birthday party on another day and not mention the one you are giving for him. First birthday parties are usually small.
If you are asking your family then it's okay to keep it small and have a second one for your difficult MIL.
I don't like the fact that she disses your children. That is quite hurtful and something children have no ability to counter attack over unless they are more than 10 years old.
If any of my in-laws treated ANY of my children badly, then I would just cut them loose. I will NOT tolerate that in any way. If she cannot stop being cruel (and yes this is cruel) to your other 2 children, then she doesn't deserve to be a grandma...
If your mother-in-law is gong to make the day uncomfortable for everyone involved I would not invite her. It will just ruin the day for your son and for you! Maybe do something separate later like go out to dinner so if anything happens then your husband can step in. It's too bad your MIL doesn't understand it's her attitude even with your hubby trying to explain it to her. Kids have feelings and to out and out ignore your other ones especially if they're young is not right. When they get older it doesn't matter to them.
One of these days you need to talk to her one on one and let her know your feelings and maybe you can work through it.
Good luck!
R.
It is really hard to say with only this small one sided story. I think this is something you and your husband have to sit down and talk about and figure out what feels right for your family.
I would invite her. However, I would make it perfectly clear that if she causes problems and ruins the party for your child (or any of your children) that she will not be welcome to come next time. You can only "take the high road" for so long before you have to kick toxic abusive people out of your life, mother or otherwise.
If you feel that she disrespected you and are not on good terms with her, then dont. You dont need that negative energy around you. And especially if she doesnt seem to care much for the children. That is wrong. I wouldnt invite her, if it were me personally. If she ruined your daughters party then she will most likely do it again. So why chance it? If you want to be on better terms with her and her husband again, and try to be the bigger person then invite her. It's all about how much you want to put up with.
No I wouldn't invite her. And I would put an immediate stop to visits that are unannounced and uninvited! Next time she shows up at your door just say, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were coming over and this is not a good time. Next time call first and I'll let you know. Then just shut the door!!!! You do not need to feel obligated to her just because she is "family". And if she calls in the future, then tell her she can't come over. I would then only invite her to bday parties and holidays and that's ONLY if she can behave appropriately. If she can't, I would say, I want you to see ALL the grandkids but if you continue to say these things and act this way, I will not be able to have my kids around that behavior. This is a tough one...good luck!!!
I kind of feel for you. I am one of the lucky ones and love my in-laws. Your two older children sorry to say this need to accept that this is not their grandmother, yes she is in their life, but not in the way thay you would like her to be, you can't change that. Sometimes that's harsh to tell kids, but it's the truth and rather than them kepp on getting hurt I would just leave it at that and let them decide. As for your other kids who are her grandkids, I would let her know that you are having a birthday party for your child for friends and then later you are having one just for family, ie them. That way you are taking the drama out of what's supposed to be a happy day. I feel really sorry for your other kids and maybe sit down with her and let them know that they love her as their own grandma and are hurt by her actions. Since their real grandparents aren't around that they thought it would be cool to use her as a surrogate grandparent. They aren't looking for gifts, just love. Maybe that will help her to understand their and your hurt. Good Luck with everything, and remember a woman of her age is already set in her ways and if she's unwilling to change then you need to decide what to do later on.
don't invite her! plain and simple especially if you and your husband are in agreement. oh well.
L. C~
Don't invite her! Sorry to be so blunt, but life is too short to have that much stress. Your husband will probably feel less stress too if she is not around. If she finds out that you had a party and asks why she wasn't invited, just tell her that you didn't think she'd have a good time. If she asks why then tell her that she didn't have a good time at your daughter's 1st birthday, so you didn't want her to feel obligated.
Lucy B.
I would invite her, she is grandma.
