Introducing Your Little One to Your Boyfriend.

Updated on November 09, 2010
S.K. asks from Naperville, IL
10 answers

I have a 4 year old daughter. I have known my current boyfriend for 14 years. We were friends in college but nothing happened. We have hung out throughout the years at different parties but again...nothing. Well something changed and we recently started dating. I am not ready to introduce her yet but I know there will be a child's birthday party coming up at the end of January that we will both be invited to. We will have been dating for 6 months at that time but at the same time we have known each other much longer.

My question is at what point have you chosen to introduce your child to someone special (or introduced to someone's child)? How do you handle it? What level of involvement? Any tips or suggestions? Do you wait until you know they are the one and then introduce or do you do it earlier to make sure you can work together in the parenting aspect saving the heartache of them being great except they can't handle the kid thing. It is such a confusing thing and I don't know how to handle. Any thoughts would be great. I don't want to do this to soon but when is to soon?

Thanks in advance.

BTW - he has never been married and he doesn't have children if that makes a difference.

ETA - I know that I will not wait to introduce until I have a "ring and a date." I don't want to go down that route because what if he is not good with my child, what if our parenting styles or ways we do things are not the same. What if she doesn't like him or he decides kids are not his thing. I want to introduce them and I want him to eventually be a bigger part of her and my life. There are not guarantees in this world so I want to make sure I do it from the right perspective. I am looking for suggestions from people who have been there and done that. I know my viewpoint was very different when I was married.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

When you know he will become a permanent part of her life--when you have a ring and a date set for marriage. Until then, nope. If he "happens" to be at a common gathering, he's "Bob", nothing more.

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P.O.

answers from Harrisburg on

I have never been in your situation, but I would guess you let your child hang around him and get used to him too so that she sees him as part of the equation, but not really introduce him as a boyfriend. After a couple times being with him in a non intimidating manner (for lack of a better term), then tell her "Do you know so and so, well Mommy likes him and may want him to live with us for a long time"...say it on her level more than the adult way of boyfriend, etc. - that way if it doesn't work out, she would not have any emotional attachment to him as daddy or anything like that.

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R.D.

answers from Kansas City on

I will not introduce my son to anyone as my boyfriend until I know he is THE ONE. I don't object to running into a 'friend' at a party and introducing them as such. You can have friends (male and female) and it wouldn't be a big deal. I would keep it as friends in front of your daughter with absolutely NO PDA until it is serious, and you know you are right for each other.

Once you bring the term 'boyfriend' into the situation, that opens up a huge can of worms that will not go back in. If things don't work out (and we don't know the future or else there would be a lot less single parents out there - me included!), there is more to explain. "Where is he? Why doesn't he come around any more? I miss him!" These questions are tough - and heartbreaking. I have seen it. I had a friend that was a single dad and had several girlfriends over the years. This creates instability, rebellion, resistance to closeness, and promescuity. Better to just have friends. Children understand that friends come and go, classmates change, and people move (or move on).

2 moms found this helpful

B.K.

answers from Chicago on

I personally don't think you introduce a boyfriend until he's a keeper - which means you have a ring and a date. Children don't need people in and out of their lives. It's too h*** o* them and they don't understand. So my advice is to wait until you know you're going to marry him and he will be forever in her life.

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S.T.

answers from New York on

He can be introduced as your friend at any time - but you have to keep it casual. Until you know this guy is "the one" don't allow your boyfriend and your child to develope a tight relationship. Kids need continuity in adult relationships - and if yours & his relatihonship should come to an end in the future your daughter shouldn't also have to go through a break-up. If he ends up being "the one" and will help raise her one day, there will be plenty of time for them to develope a close relationship. Until then keep it loose and casual.

1 mom found this helpful
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B.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hi S.,

Well, I have a little different take on this, which many mamas have disagreed with me before….. Let me start with saying that the welfare and happiness of my daughter comes first without hesitation and I will do anything it takes to make sure that she is happy and taken care of.

However – to wait and introduce your daughter to your boyfriend after you get a ring and a date is a bit unrealistic. The dynamic of relationships within a blended family is of the utmost of importance and that is something that takes some time and some strategy. If you all of a sudden spring a new relationship on your daughter and announce you are getting married that is SOOOOOOO much stress for her. Plus, it doesn’t make her an inclusive part of the process of blending your lives. Your boyfriend is marrying your FAMILY - not just you. He (and you) will have to take the relationship OF THE THREE OF YOU and the relationship OF THE TWO OF THEM into account as you make decisions about your future together – it’s about WAY MORE than you and he getting married and then ‘oh- meet my kid’.

I don’t think you should introduce every guy you date to your daughter. But I think it’s fine (and healthy) for her to be introduced and/or have contact with any of your friends, regardless of if they are girlfriends, boyfriends or a future husband AND regardless of if you think they will stay around forever. In general part of her learning how to have relationships is to understand that they don’t all last forever – how you build the relationship, nurture it, how it grows and ultimately how it ends is something that is a necessary skill for her survive her teenage dating years. For her - watching you and your relationships - it’s about the context, the intensity and the way she watches you interact (don't let them get too close too soon, she doesn't call him daddy etc). In a bittersweet way, this is a GREAT lesson for you to teach her about how to interact with her boyfriends she will have in the future from a perspective she wouldn’t have if you were married.

My opinion is that once you establish that this is not a casual fling and you would expect to see each other on a regular basis for an undetermined amount of time (ie – you may not be talking marriage, but you are talking commitment and exclusivity) it's ok to include your daughter. I don't think there is a magic amount of time - you have to use your common sense and 'gut mom instinct'. How weird would it be for you to have something that you do every week for 6 months and your daughter HAS NO IDEA? How freaky for your kid. She shouldn’t go with you on dates, obviously, but she should meet him when he comes to get you or whatever, and certainly you should be honest “I am going to dinner with John tonight”. That way she has an idea of who you are with and will feel more secure when you are gone. I also think it gives them a chance to ease into getting to know each other. After they’ve “met” 4 or 5 times maybe you all go to library to check out books, or you go see a movie together. Something without any pressure for either one of them to “perform” but so they get used to each other.
I think the kids b’day party is a great opportunity for them to meet. When I introduced my b’friend to my daughter (who was 7 ½ at the time) it was at a Taste of Chicago concert, and I just said “this is Michael”. I didn’t put a label on him. She just knew him as “Michael” – not really any different than “Susan” who came to do stuff with us every once in a while and I would also meet for drinks after work because she is my platonic girl friend (now it's different cuz it's been 2 1/2 years, but we worked up to that).

Then as the relationship progresses you add more time where the three of you do things together – dinner, activities, game night etc. You will be able to tell if they jive just by how they interact with each other – I would try to let them get their own groove.

PS - I think the fact that he doesn’t have kids works in your favor, he may be more open to how you do things and will just follow your lead.

Good luck!

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K.E.

answers from Buffalo on

I would take it very slow. If you are 2 people who know eachother and happen to be at the same party then introduce him like that let her get to know his as a friend leave the "boyfriend Girlfriend " relationship out of the picture for now. You are firends that is all do not huggie kissie infront of her until you are sure where your relationship is going.

Letting her get to know him as a friend then slowly allow the relationship to emurge as a "relationship" slowly and over a longer peiod of time cannot hurt.

Good luck

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I agree with Amom2. I was in your position many years ago and although I was madly in love I wanted to be sure my two children enjoyed him. So, I let it evolve.Visits, cards, games, etc. VOILA! we are now married almost sixteen years and my boys love him. But here is the thing, no matter what, if father is alive and even remotely in the picture he could still be a hovering part of life forever. Simply because he exists. Alas, despite my happiness, and they love their stepfather they feel very sorry for their dad who chose to not work, never remarry and lives off the land or something. I did however get married again because I didn't want to do a lot of dating and having too many people come over in front of my children. I wonder what I would do now if life were different? So far it has worked.

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C.F.

answers from Chicago on

You have left out some vital information. 1. Does she have a relationship with her father and do the two of you get along and co parent your child? That does make a difference.
Now don't make the mistakes I have and many other women have especially since you have a daughter. Introduce them at the party, but as a friend of mommy's from college. Go out on dates together to get a feel of how he is with her and most importantly how she is with him. Girls that have a realtionship with daddy usually have a problem when mom is with someone else. Never let him spend the night when she is home. Girls need to see standards that are high so that I don't continue to see pregnant students. I teach elementary school and have seen too many leave 8th grade pregnant, I even had one in 6th. At 4 she will not really connect that you have known this man for years. We as adults tend to forget our children need to see us as upstanding citizens. I made many mistakes when my sons were young and I had divorced their dad and they don't treat women as the Queens we are because I didn't conduct myself as the queen I should have been. It sounds like you are on the right track. Just make sure you talk to her often to see how she is feeling about this new man in her and your life, because remember he is new to her.

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D.S.

answers from Tulsa on

I always waited till I dated the guy at least 6 months. usually if a realtionship falls apart it is within 6 months. Introduce him as your friend and dont do the signs of affectioin in front of them for at least 3 more months after that. have him come by hang out and see how they get along. ask him straight out how he feels about kids before introducing them. and make the hanging out with no contact in front of her. and feel out how they get along. dont pressure your kid to take to them. if they dont take to them there is a reason why. if it seems to be working ok then at that poiint discuss your parenting styles. it is a trial and error with any relationship.but when I was divorced I never let anyone meet him till at least 6 months or he would get attached and hurt if it didnt work out.

mine was a teenager and would voice his opnion if he didnt like them. he was usually right there was a reason for it I didn't see. If your child is in the 2-3 yr old bracket they probably wont have anything to do with himfor a while after they meet him. that is just how that age bracket is. and when they do meet himdont be suprised if they sit between you and him. This is normal for some kids. They are protecting you. Maybe jealous and probably both. My son is still protective with me and my other half and he has been around 4yrs. but mine is 21. just take it slow and dont expect a instant relationship.

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