Introducing and Consistently Expecting Good Table Manners

Table manners were always expected here, as the kids were capable. At the age of three it meant staying seated, as they grew we expected chewing with mouth closed, elbows off the table and also using knife and fork appropriately. We just modeled and gave reminders.

Isn't this something that's pretty much done from day one at the table?
Of course to use a fork and knife well requires a certain level of fine motor development, but beyond that we always modeled and expected good manners at mealtimes, stay seated, keep your food on the plate, don't chew with your mouth open or talk with food in your mouth, etc. Their preschool did the same thing.
Even as a toddler if the food was smeared all over or thrown it was taken away.
Just keep modeling it and expecting it, but keep it light. Kids aren't perfect (none of us are!) and you don't want mealtime to be so rigid that it becomes unenjoyable :-(

I think it's something you introduce as they learn to use the utensils. They go hand in hand like anything else that is introduced. "Here's a new item and here are the rules for using it."
Obviously if you have a toddler just mastering a "child" spoon and fork, and not actually using a knife that cuts anything, then you have a different level of instructions. But no elbows on the table is a rule from go. I've never seen a baby put his elbows on a high chair tray, but once they move to an actual seat at an actual table, no elbows on the table is the rule. From the first time they sit there.
It's not hard. And *that* is how they become ingrained.
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Oh, and talking with food in the mouth? That's also from go. As a baby in a high chair, they likely aren't talking yet. But as soon as they start, you will want to nix talking with food in the mouth as a SAFETY issue. It makes choking more likely. Chew, swallow, then talk if you have something to say. One or the other, not both at the same time, so you don't choke.

Also, chewing with the mouth closed. This is one that annoys me when it isn't taught. It's gross to sit at the table with someone who doesn't close their mouth to chew, and it's noisy, too. Eww..
If you can't enforce this in a high chair, then implement it as soon as they are joining others at a table to eat. No one enjoys seeing food in someone else's mouth. Teach that from the start. By age 5 these shouldn't need to be taught anymore, but occasional reminding and reinforcing will likely be going on. At some point in elementary school, you will notice your own kid complaining about his classmates and their lack of table manners at the lunch table at school. That's when you know it's worked. :) Doesn't mean you won't still have to remind them on occasion at home, but just a mention will do the trick at that point. :)

I think that's about right. I just started when they were young and kept correcting them as they got older. For me it was not slurping, not talking with mouths full and keeping mouths closed when eating. I'd just say "No one really wants to see what you're eating" lightly (not to nag). If you nag, then they tune you out.
How to cut meat and such, I gave the young ones a knife before they could use it and that took a while, but they got the hang of it. I didn't really stand over them - more if peas came flinging off the plate while they were getting the hang of it, I was ok with it. It takes practice.
The big one I still have to work on is if I see only the top of my older ones' heads I get them to sit up straight and get them to bring arm/food up to face, and not face to plate. They would hover it if I let them.
Good luck :)

It may be a bit early to expect success with the knife/fork thing but elbows and talking with a full mouth should be farily easy for kiddo to learn, but he will have to be reminded over and over again for probably a few years. Kids get excited and want to say what they want to say right now. The heck with the full mouth. It takes practice for that level of self-control.

Make them consistent, and put them in priority order. What's most important to you? Pick 3 things, and do 1 a week for 3 weeks. Only work on the one item the first week. Maybe it's not using fingers but to use a knife to push food onto the fork. Fine. Choose a couple of manageable meals, and make a game of it, sort of a challenge rather than letting him see your exasperation. Don't worry about cutting the meat yet - just work on no fingers.

Maybe next week, you do the chewing thing. "Let's do 20 chews and a swallow before talking! Let's see who can do it the longest without showing what's in their mouths!" Then praise praise praise. It's so much nicer, it's so much easier to understand you, etc.

Week 3, do the elbows. Do NOTHING else during this time - no setting the table, no clearing the place (unless those skills are already mastered), no napkin reminders, etc. Do not mention one single faux pas you want him to work on besides the weeks' focus.

After 3 weeks, take a break. Don't introduce any new skills right now. Otherwise you'll overwhelm him with 52 new things during the year.

Then at the end of the 3 weeks, reward him with a family meal out at the place of his choosing (no pizza and finger-food places though!).

There are videos and manners programs too - I have a friend who teaches them to kids of varying ages. See if the library can acquire something for you to borrow - you may get some great ideas. Sometimes learning how to set a table, what goes where (and why) is interesting too. Calling attention to what the utensils are and where they belong can help some kids make order out of a chaotic table setting! You can set the table part of the way and then see if he can help you find what's missing.

Some families like to give their kids their own kid-friendly utensils. That can have a benefit in that they feel special - but it can be more difficult when they go out and get an adult-sized knife. Your call.

Beyond that, a good way to get kids to step up is to say that certain privileges are for "big kids" who are old enough to use a knife, chew their food before speaking, keep their elbows off the table. So if they want to try new challenges and events, they have to be trustworthy in their behavior and manners.

When my husband's kids were older than yours, we really had had it with their lack of manners. It was harder because they were transitioning from one house to the other, and they tended to see Daddy's house as Party Time. Which it wasn't. One time, we switched up the dining room - we sat in their usual seats, and put them in our seats. And we proceeded to eat like each of them - we took a whole stick of butter to put on the vegetables (as one kid habitually did), and we ate green beans the way the other one did (pushing it in with one finger). And yes, we talked with food in our mouths. They got the point. We also left them with the dishes and the leftovers to put away since they were the "grown-ups" and we were the kids - we bolted from the table to the TV and ignored them. It was dramatic but it worked. It's not for everyone and probably not for a 5 year old, but it's an option!

Good luck!

Your kids learn from you. Be the example of what you want them to be. Gentle reminders at every meal help.

First, remember that your little guy is still little. What, five, if I remember correctly? This is something you are going to be working on for years. I honestly don't know *any* child who internalized such intense rules at a young age without punitive action from the parents. From my own experience as a kid, I can say that being gently reminded as always better than shaming a child about it.(I experienced both.) My son is a few months shy of being nine and hasn't internalized all manners because he hasn't found a reason to make it of utmost importance.

You have to remember, we adults have our priorities and our kids have their own. At this point, if I remind Kiddo to put use his napkin and he still opts for his shirt, I now have him help with the laundry (finding stains, treating them) and fold his own for the week. I think the difference between your situation and mine is A: your son is *much* younger; B: your son is also dealing with being a new brother and not minding at the table is a great way to ensure he gets attention. PLUS, he's got a new sibling with no social demands for politeness. I remember from your past questions that you seem very concerned with manners and the proper way of doing things. Make sure that you scale down and have reasonable expectations for your kids and keep modeling your own good manners. Eventually they will find their own reasons for wanting to have good manners, but not likely at 5 years old.

You start at this age or a bit earlier and you keep on reminding them until it becomes second nature. Hubby and you practice the manners at the table daily with meals. You know you have done your job when the friends of your kids parents comment on how well they behave at the dinner table. It does not happen overnight but it does happen.

Eating with a fork and a spoon are the beginning things. Talking when it is their turn and not just blurting out answers is a second. Remind them of the elbows on the table. As for using a knife that takes a bit longer especially if the child is under 7.

Don't fret over it, it will come.

the other S.

PS There will be a time you want to pull all your hair out and but you don't and that is when it usually happens that they have it down pat.

About 7 years old is a great time - but it takes practice and manual dexterity.
So about the age when you'd expect them to master hand writing is about the time they can do much better at knives, spoons and forks.
It's going to be a work in progress for awhile.

Using a knife and fork for cutting meat isn't something most kids will be able to do until they're 10 or older. They can use a butter knife and fork from around age 4-6, depending on their dexterity, for simpler things like meatloaf or Salisbury steak (ground meat in brown gravy) and such. Things that can usually be cut with a fork on it's side.

As for table manners they didn't eat like heathens their whole life then one magical day they have to learn table manners...I don't think that's what you mean...lol.

Kids need to constantly have the same rules their entire life. Eat off your plate and not the table, chew with your mouth closed, smaller bites that needed, use a napkin to wipe your face off, don't throw food, and my biggest issue that is a concrete rule...kids do NOT ever leave the table while eating. If there is food in their mouth they absolutely do not get up and wander around.

I have had to drop everything and grab too many kids, flip them upside down and get food out of their throats. I have a lot of years in child care and that is one of their main rules. If an inspector is in your facility and kids aren't sitting down while eating they can walk up and close your whole business and revoke your license, put you out of business. It's THAT big of an issue to me, especially since I've seen first hand how kids can choke and it's seconds to save their lives.

So we have never not used table manners in our house and when we're with other people. I have a friend whose kids would get done, get bored, and get up and climb on the seats, crawl under the table (gross), and absolutely make asses of themselves to every other person in the restaurant or house. I busted my kids butts if they got up and acted like that. Even when at my friends house and her kids were doing that I didn't allow the kids to get up until they were done eating.

Starting table manners when a child is in their high chair is just as important as teaching them anything else. Table manners keep them safe and makes the meal with them much more enjoyable.

Decide what rules you think are most important and make a list of them. Post them by where you eat so everyone can be on the same page. When kids learn to read they'll know what is expected and you can point to it and say "What does "this" rule say and what are you doing that breaks that rule"?

Table manners are introduced when they start sitting at the table and children will need constant help and reminding. Using a knife (or butter knife) will take some time, but help your son with it and don't expect too much right now he is still young.

Remember to set the example, since he will be watching you and hubby and learning that way.

Hi F.,

As with everything this is a process. The most powerful tools you have are modeling proper behavior and consistency in instruction and reinforcement. My apologies that I don't know your kids age(s) but my thought is you start with age appropriate expectations, explain them and model them. If they are met then offer appropriate praise -- "It's really great how you're using your fork and knife properly, keep it up." If they are not met then, unless it's clear that they are misbehaving rather than just not meeting expectations, I would redirect them and support them as they solidify the expectations. -- "I see your napkin is still folded on the table, remember we put those in our laps."

These expectations are intricate and take time to learn. Not to mention the fact that there are variations depending on where you are and who you're with. Eating with your family around a kitchen table is going to be different than having a nice meal at a restaurant. My DH and I took my DS when he was about 12 to a really nice restaurant, the kind that has more than one fork set to the left and went through the meal showing and explaining the more "fine dining" expectations, including pulling the chair out for the lady.

I am as feminist as they come ladies, but I also believe in raising a gentleman so we work on those behaviors too. Between my DH and DS I haven't had to open a door for myself in years. But!! I digress. Be patient, be consistent and be encouraging and they'll get these things down. I always telescope to the lunch job interview he will inevitably encounter at some point and keep that success in my thoughts.

raising grown ups is hard............especially when BEING one is also a challenge. I'll stop before my wheels completely come off. Have fun!! S.

I'm trying something new so I'm not sure if it works yet, but it's different than the other responders. I'm trying one day a week expecting good manners. We're really casual and dinner tends to be a bit hectic on week day nights (my fault, not theirs) so it seems not crucial to expect great manners. But since I want them to learn we picked 1 night a week to use utensils correctly, etc. I agree with other posters that making it 2nd nature by reinforcing all the time works, but my kids are very agreeable to this new plan of just enjoying ourselves most of the time and then thinking about it and practicing less often. I'm sure they'll still know what to do when it counts. For my kids the trouble is just the fine motor skills which will develop in other ways and over time.

Well, DD is 7 and still gets reminders, but from the get-go she's been expected to sit at the table (though when she was 2 that was all kind of relative) and eat as properly as she can. Since about 5.5 she's handled as much of her own cutting as she can manage (we still use the pointy knives for ourselves and cut her steak). If he can't use a knife, try a spoon, which is often easier for littles. If I remember, your son is younger than my DD so just keep trying and give him leeway when he's not there yet. Some of it also depends on your own kid's dexterity. I found that DD was more able to use a knife and fork in combo when she could write better.