Insecure Daughter

Updated on April 29, 2010
M.A. asks from Austell, GA
8 answers

I was wondering if anyone had advice or books for myself or daughter on being insecure
in relationships?

My daughter is 16 and had a best friend in 8th grade and freshman year. They were very close
and had boyfriends that were bff's. After she broke up with her boyfriend the bff kept chosing my daughters
ex over her because of the bff's boyfriend. At the end of freshman year he bff
was having a party and did not tell my daughter. That was the end of her friendship
with the girl. We are close but she seems to be insecure in relationships with girls
and with her boyfriend. (she says she can't lose him and is very desperate to hold onto him.

How can I get her to be more independent and secure. Are there any books I could read to
know how to help her? Any fiction books I could suggested to her to read that has the undertone/shows
a strong woman?
Thanks and I hope I make sense. Lol

Wow! Thanks for all the replies!
To answer a few questions: I am married and going on 25 years. My husband adores her and is very supportive. She is very out going but when it comes to relationships she insecure. After her break up freshman year she dated a boy on and off for most of her sophmore year. That boy came from a military family and had a hard time showing affection in public and kind of kept her in a closet and then she got burned before prom, he took a friend. She was ok with that but he wouldn't tell. So my daughter hasn't really had sucessful relationships. Her and her boyfriend have been going toeghter now for almost 8 months. I know the boy really cares for my daughter but, I don't think he sees this as long term like she does and I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks again, I will keep everyone updated.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Sioux Falls on

Read "Captivating" with her by John and Staci Elderidge. I believe every woman should read that book!

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answers from Lansing on

Okay. Couple of questions to ask yourself: (I mean no offense) Are you a strong and independent woman? Is her father in her life? Was she ever abused? The desperation of her wanting the relationship with the boy so bad leads me to believe there is not a permanent father fixture in her life..Girls typically get self esteem from dad. They get how to handle boyfriends and social situations from mom. So to me it sounds like a two fold problem. For your part lead by example. I'm not sure reading a book is going to unlearn any habit it takes time to break. I encourage my kid's to deal with conflict head on. Not on myspace or facebook or actually talk to the person. I have never taught my children they had to respect someone simply because. They have the power to stand up for themselves (they know it) and I will stand behind them. I may not agree with the situation but I don't express that until we are alone...not in front of the parties involved. We actually practice saying "No" to people who want to much of our time or is too demanding.
Send her up to people at the mall that she doesn't know (of course you're there!) and have her ask for the time..or directions to a store..if she likes something on someone she doesn't know ask her give that person a compliment.
One of the craziest things I have ever seen?? My niece who was adopted from an abusive home life was the most timid insecure person I had ever met. She went to stay with my mom and step dad and they are gun owners. My sister called me hysterical saying grandpa was going to take her to the gun range and teach her to shoot. She was roughly 15. Every time I go visit my parents I go to the gun range and so does my oldest daughter. Anyway I told my sister "Let her go, there is nothing more empowering than knowing how to properly handle a weapon". My sister called a couple of days later and was shocked that my niece loved it and was very good at it! She did have a little more confidence, it wasn't a cure all but I think it was the beginning. I am not suggesting turning your daughter loose on the streets with a hand gun. Doesn't even need to be guns something that takes guts to do. Rock climbing, white water rafting, horseback riding. If she can overcome her fear to do something like this she will realize she is a strong woman and even if afraid she can do it! Hope this helps! P.S. very concerned about the boyfriend thing when girls are that desperate they tend to attract potentially abusive boyfriends.

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answers from Augusta on

10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives by Laura Schlessinger

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answers from Spartanburg on

Sign her up for something- dance class, piano lessons, karate, ANYTHING to get her mind and body away from her boyfriend. I'm sure he's a perfectly fine young man, but every bit of her is consumed with him. She needs to put her focus on something else, even if it's running the spotlight at the local community theater.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You have had some great advice so far! A book you may want to get & go through with her is "Lies Young Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She also has one for older women titled "Lies Women Believe." They are great books & I actually read the one for older women myself & then bought & went through the one for young women with my nieces. It's great that her dad is such a support for her - that will make a difference.
On a side note: I know our family may very well be in the minority on this but we are against casual dating for teens. As a very dear friend put it, "dating is a precorser (sp?) to divorcing." All we are teaching our children is that when they get tired of someone they can just break up with them. Even as young as our kids are, we stop the "cute" little comments about them having boy/girl friends. My standard reply (said nicely) is that when they are old enough to take on the responsibility of a husband/wife then they are ready to have boy/girl friends. :-)
Many blessings!

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answers from Atlanta on

A good book is Leaving the enchanted forest. You may want to read it first but it really helped me.

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answers from Charleston on

Hi there, I know this may seem off track. But my daughter has had similar problems and what has helped greatly has been that I have been spending more time with her. The more I bond with her the less she tries to hold on to (too tightly) her "friend" that is always ditching her.

The more secure she feels in our relationship and the more extra things we do together the better she gets. I guess it's like this..the more secure she feels at home makes her less likely to seek that security from others.

She was hanging on boys quite literally because (if you've heard of the 5 love languages) her love language is touch. And she wasn't getting enough from us at home. Now we read side by side scrunched into our little couch every night. I give her more hugs more often and that seems to be enough.

She's let go of the boy and stopped clinging so tightly to that girl and has just this week started to make other friends. It worked for me.



answers from Jacksonville on

I have a 12 and 14 year old and have said repeatedly you do not need a man in you life right now except for Daddy. My husband is a very big part of the girls' lives. The best way to buikd security is to have the only man in her life start being more attentive, that man needs to be Dad. If you are a single mom, is Grandpa available or an uncle?

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