In Laws Opinions of Co Sleeping and Parenting!

Updated on April 19, 2013
L.L. asks from Harbor City, CA
34 answers

I know this is very controversial and everyone has an opinion but I just wonder why everyone has to always rain on a parents parade if they do co sleep with their child.
Our daughter is 4.5 years old and co sleeps with us in the family bed. She slept in her crib until 18 months old and then moved to our bed. It seems she sleeps much better with us and sleeps through the night without multiple wake ups and nightmares. When she had nightmares even at a young age it was more difficult to console her and put her back in her bed. She immediately woke up after falling back asleep if I would get up. Her bedroom is down the hall and if she woke up we both would not hear it and we are also both comfortable with her in our bed. There have been times that I have woken up in the middle of the night because she felt hot and she had a high fever just as a virus was coming on, or times she got sick in the middle of the night and I was there right next to her, or she wakes up coughing as if croup was starting.. I am right there.

Scientific studies show that children have a stronger heart rate and less stress... they also sleep better by co sleeping. Children who co sleep tend to have the same healthy breathing habits as their parents and have less drops in heart rate when they are infants sleeping in their cribs. Our daughter is extremely smart, And well adjusted. She is very empathetic and outgoing. This has not impacted her negatively at all.. infact she is her own individual and independent. She flourishes in preschool and enjoys reading, writing, telling creative stories and can do basic addition and subtraction, she can tell time from an analog clock, knows the continents And can look at a map and tell you all of the states... this is Just some of it. So the co sleeping is not hindering her learning, I feel her being happy And comfortable makes her want to learn more.

The only problem is our in laws seem to take an opposition to this and think she should sleep in her own bed. Just let her cry it out and put her in her own bed. I am not and never will be a fan of cry it out... it raises stress in children too young and upsets them. We are their protectors we need to let them know we are there for them and forcing them to be uncomfortable and cry is not for me. So tey continuously say she should sleep in her own bed and I do not know what else to tell them besides it will happen when she is ready. Our niece and nephew (same grandparents) sleep in their own bed and their mother (my sister in law) is a fan of cry it out so I think this is where its coming from because she has had....so called.....success with it. There may be....success in sleeping in their own bed or crib but the damage has been done to their parent child relationship. The child now understands their needs will not always be met by their parents and that they should not go to their parents for help. In addition, they also have a 4.5 year old and 2 year old... they are not anywhere on the same level. Now I know all children are different.. but I am just talking basic.

How do I overcome them constantly nagging? Is it really that strange??

What can I do next?

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P.K.

answers from New York on

To each his ow As for me, I needed to sleep at night and not have eight legs and eight arms all over!!! Although I think 4 1/2 is old enough to sleep independently.

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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

The lesson here is to stop sharing things with people that is none of their business. You prevent the nagging by not telling them things when you don't want to hear an opinion.

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

Listen, I completely support your decision to co-sleep with your daughter.
What I DON'T like is that you are accusing those of us that have let our children sleep in their own beds of causing irreprable (SP) damage to our children and our parent child relationship.
Go ahead and give out all of your info about why you do what you do, but understand that you are doing exactly what your in-laws are doing. You think your way is the healthies and the best way and it's not. It's YOUR way. I do things MY way. Doesn't make me right, doesn't make me wrong. Just works for my family.
SO...what to say to your inlaws? "Hey, Barb. I am getting tired of listening to you attack us and they way we are choosing to parent "sarah". Please, for the love of GOD, drop it. She is a great kid, she is happy, she is bright, and she is going to sleep with us until she is good and ready to move into her own bed. End of discussion"

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D.C.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I think 2 things.
1) Refuse to discuss it. When they bring it up, simply say "I already know your opinion, and you know mine." and change the subject.
2) If you do all the justifying to them that you've done above, you are probably making it worse because by criticizing their way of parenting (eg "The child now understands their needs will not always be met by their parents and that they should not go to their parents for help." Wow is that judgemental.) You are making them feel defensive and they will even more strongly defend their point of view.

Stop criticizing their way of doing things, and stop justifying yours. I can see having the conversation once. I'm not against people discussing different points of view. But after that, just repeat that you've already discussed it, and you'll have to agree to disagree. There is more than one good way to parent, so the best way to handle it, IMO, is to refuse to have this conversation

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B.B.

answers from Missoula on

Hmm...it seems to me you might have more success in gaining tolerance for your parenting decisions if you didn't spend half your post bashing parents who do things differently.

There are many ways to raise a child, and many of them are good ones, even if they aren't what you do.

Isn't that the very idea you are trying to convey to your MIL? Maybe you should try it.

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K.B.

answers from Chicago on

I disagree that damage is being done to the parent-child relationship because a parent decides to let their child sleep independently and doesn't respond to every cry and wimper. Did I read that correctly? If yes, you are making quite an assumption here. One could easily say that if you let a child sleep with you until they decide not to, you are teaching your child to never be independent and to always rely on mommy and daddy. That too can be far-fetched and unrealistic. The idealistic view is that parents will always support, protect and be there for their kids regardless of a sleeping arrangement and whether or not you let your kids cry it out or not.

Regardless of what side people take (on any issue in fact), people will always argue a valid reason (in their opinion) as to why it is ok - a need to justify your decision. It's not your in-laws business or decision. This arrangement doesn't work for everyone and to each, his own. You should do what works for you, in your home.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Well, if you give them the same lecture that you gave us about heart rates and us being their protectors, maybe they are giving you tit for tat. I don't know why they are arguing the point with you. Why are you telling them that you co-sleep? Why is it a point of discussion?

When moms come on here and ask how to get their children to sleep in their own bed, I give them the advice they ask for that worked for me. If someone asks if they should sleep with their baby, I generally say no because so many have come back much later asking how to get baby out of their bed. But that's not what you are asking. You are asking how to get the inlaws to stop nagging.

I have a feeling that they'll keep nagging as long as you keep giving them every excuse in the book for you sleeping with your daughter. Stop talking about it, period. You don't owe them an explanation. You shouldn't even be giving them one. They probably roll their eyes everytime you list them. Just tell them that it's not a topic of discussion.

I will tell you that it's kind of a slam against people who don't co-sleep to insinuate that your child is at a higher level than those who don't. And quite frankly, there's nothing wrong with children knowing that they don't go in to their parents all night long. That doesn't mean that they know they can't go to their parents for help. It just means that they are supposed to stay in their own beds. If my sister or sister-in-law talked like that about me and my kids, saying that I had damaged the parent/child relationship because I didn't sleep with them, we wouldn't have a relationship. What you are saying is an insult, not only to them, but to all the parents whose children sleep in their own bed.

What is strange is how you are talking about everyone else, which includes hundreds of thousands of families.

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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

Having a 4.5 year old with you in bed every night is not a societal norm. It cuts down or eliminates normal adult intimacies. It also poses a space problem if additional children join the family. Perhaps that is why they are constantly bringing this to your attention. Does your husband feel as strongly about this as you do? What are you planning to do when she is eight or twelve? Part of the role of the parent is to build independence in a child- including the ability to ability to sleep on their own and be able to sooth themselves in different situations. You quote lots of "uncited" research to justify your points. If she is having success in preschool away from you, she will also have success in sleeping apart from you. It is up to parents to make decisions about their children without interference from family. Family should intercede when the child is in danger- perhaps they think it is unsafe or inappropriate.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

Bottom line: it's your bed. You (you and your DH) can tell them that while you appreciate that they are not used to the concept of a family bed, it works for your family and is not going to be debated.

The other part of that is that you don't also get to turn around and tell their daughter (SIL) that she's wrong, either. They may feel that your defense of your bed is insulting the choices made for their other grandkids. My DD sleeps in her own bed 90% of the time. It is what is best for US and your SIL has done what is best for her family. If you want less judging of your bed, you should do less in return. There are many acceptable roads to parenthood.

I think the less you say, the less they will say. They will eventually get the hint that it's not a conversation you will have. Focus on other things.

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H.G.

answers from Lancaster on

Your job isn't to convince them that co-sleeping is the best way to go or that there are more advantages to it than disadvantages. Honestly, it's just none of their business. Don't discuss it. If they bring it up. Have a short answer like "it works for us and we're all happy." Then change the subject.

Not long after DH and I were married, we decided that we needed to have separate bedrooms so we could both get a good night's sleep. My mother was upset because she thought she'd never have another grandchild. (Because everyone knows that you can only have s-e-x if you're sleeping in the same bed, right?) Anyway, 20+ years later, we're still very happily married and IT WORKS FOR US. Nobody else needs to concern themselves with our sleeping arrangements.

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Whenever my parents made rude comments about attachment parenting and our parenting style I say " this works for our family. You raised us the way you wanted". Enough said. Don't defend or try to convert them. Your family and your choices. Blessings.

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K.S.

answers from Denver on

Well first I do wonder if you offended them a bit. I know just reading your post I felt a little offended. I chose not to co-sleep but have no problem with those who do- the information you refer to implies that co-sleepers do better than non co-sleepers, not just that it was the right thing for you, but that it is better. I feel it is just different. Your way works for you, and that's all that matters. Framing it the way you do on here makes some of us feel defensive and wanting to point out that there are pros and cons to both ways. But honestly, there is no need to debate that. I'm glad co-sleeping works for your family and that you have a happy kiddo. So I'm wondering if that is what is going on with your in-laws, they feel defensive that you are saying they raised their kids wrong. This is all very unnecessary.

I would make it a non-issue. When they say 'she should be in her own bed and cry it out' or whatever, say 'I can see why that makes sense to you'. That's it. There's no where to go from there. If they keep on with comments, just say 'I think we've discussed this enough, we're good with our choice' and keep changing the subject. Eventually it will drop.

If you are waiting for them to come around to your side and prove that you are right until they agree with you, you won't have any more luck than trying to do the same on here! :-)

Be happy and confident with your decision, and move on.

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

Wow how generations have changed. My parent's generation had children sleeping in dresser drawers in the bedroom until they could get a crib. Then came the crib in the bedroom of the parents. Now the kids are in the bed of mom and dad and then they write how to get them out of the bed at about 3 or 5.

Some of the things you cite are probably true but now with every child about their development and being or feeling secure. That's all in how you approach parenting. I am not here to debate the pros and cons of your parenting style.

Parenting is about preparing a child from birth to take its rightful place in society to be a successful individual. How this transformation is made is how we do or do not parent. When you take on the responsibility of being a parent you also take on the fact that you will be inconvenienced and you will be tired but you have to set boundaries and live with them so that children know that they cannot rule the roost. Children do have to learn that they are part of a unit but not the center of the unit. The world well let them know very quickly that the it does not revolve around them so it is better to prepare them now so that the response is not so shocking when the truth is put to them very bluntly, "You don't get to do that; so suck it up and move on!"

My children were in my bed when they were sick and I needed to be near. If they were not feeling well and I knew this, I would make a bed up in their room and sleep on the floor to be near them. It made more sense for me to get up and be with them then to drag them to my bed.

Stop trying to defend your idea with what the MIL was raised with. It's a dead horse as to who has the best method.

I will step off my soapbox now.

the other S.

PS Both of my children are happy, healthy, loving adults who love life and are independent individuals.

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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

I don't think it's any of their darn business. I'm the mom of two sons and I would NEVER criticize my future DIL's co-sleeping (should I be blessed with DILs). It's one thing for them to chime in with their daughter (your SIL) but it is another for you guys.

For the record I did not co-sleep with my children (I was a young mom and followed the "they must learn to sleep on their own" philosophy). If I had had my children 10 years later I probably would have been a crunchy, granola co-sleeping, child-wearing mama.

I do co-sleep with my doggie. :)

Your husband needs to politely remind them that they raised their kids - now it's your turn.

Good luck.

ETA: My answer assumes that you are not lecturing them about THEIR choices.

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C.V.

answers from Columbia on

Co-sleeping never worked for me. I don't like being touched while I'm sleeping. And my kids move way too much.

That said, I respect co-sleeping when it's done right. Humans need connection and acceptance. I think co-sleeping is a lovely, healthy way to connect.

I think that there are two types of co-sleeping parents:

1. The parents chose to co-sleep based on exhaustion and frustration. They never intended to share their bed, but they gave in, couldn't let their kids cry, and can't stand to do the hard, emotional work to get their kids out of their beds, but don't really like them there.

And,

2. The parents who made the choice to co-sleep because they did the research, understand the pros and cons, and are okay with the cons. They have a plan on how to eventually transition their child in a healthy way and are stoic in their responses to parents who don't agree with their co-sleeping decisions, because they feel confident with their choices.

It sounds to me like your family leans more to the #2 side. I would say, instead of getting into it with your inlaws, you simply say "that is a parenting choice my husband and I made, and we're happy with it."

You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone, so don't go on to explain and give them something to argue. Keeping those choices within your marriage sends a clear message to others that their opinions aren't welcome.

Best!
C. Lee

ETA: I would also not mention things like "the damage has been done to their parent child relationship." That may very well be....but it's her child. She wants to hear your opinion just as much as you want hers....not at all.

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K.A.

answers from Phoenix on

You change the subject, when they bring it up. You ignore them, literally. You stop telling them your business. It's not that hard.

I'm not sure what being smart has to do with sleeping (or not) in your parent's bed, however. You are free to do whatever you want, but you do seem very defensive and out to prove that your choices are better and that you're a better parent than others and that your child is better than others. Own your choices, but don't make a big scene out of it. You do your thing, I'll do mine.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I don't see that it is any of their business. Why don't you have DH tell them that you are not interested in discussing this any further. I hope you do not discuss with them that you feel your SIL has damaged her relationship with them.

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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

How do you overcome them constantly nagging?? Let them hear crickets the next time they bring it up.

Seriously!!! It is hard to have a debate...or for that matter even a conversation with someone not speaking. Soooo, don't engage in conversation with them about it.

What you all are doing is best illustrated in a "debate" between my younger two kids.

Let's say the subject matter is "The sky is blue"
Kid one- Uh huh!!!
Kid two- Nuh uh!!
Kid one- Uh huh!!
Kid two- Nuh uh!!

This is what you guys are doing. You will defend your opposing views til the cows come home..no one is bending..no one is changing. Thank heavens we all get to raise our own kids how ever we choose. Now be confident how YOU are raising yours and don't give a flying flip what their opinion is.

THere is research and statistics and all kinds of child development books to support each of your opinions.

I personally did not co sleep except for the early 6 weeks when I was nursing constantly...then at 8 weeks we started the sleeping through the night method. It worked...there was no screaming. There was soothing the baby and teaching them to comfort themselves. That was our method...it worked for us...we all sleep great and we are an very close knit and bonded family. I nursed them all over a year...but never nursed them to sleep after 8 weeks. Just nursed them til' drowsy.

What it all comes down to is knowing what you are doing for your kids is what is best for your family. What she is doing is best for hers. Don't judge each other or judge the emotional scarring happening from either method. THere are kids that come from WAY worse homes than the tortures of having to sleep in one's own bed...and they even turn out to be successful,honest and well balanced human beings.

Good luck and best wishes!!

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H.L.

answers from Houston on

Um, you do not need to justify it. If it works for your household, then nobody else gets to have an opinion. Do not discuss it with them. If they bring it up, let them know that you will not discuss it with them. If you want to be "nice", tell them confidently, "This works or us. Now, pass the biscuits, please." You might even want to direct them toward some children who don't have people to raise and nurture them, since your kids already have parents.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Why is this even a topic of discussion with your ILs? My IL's and parents don't live in my house and therefore aren't privy to our sleep arrangements. It's none of their business. Just go ahead and say that.

Don't explain, don't defend, don't bring it up. If they bring it up, just say "I understand your position but it's not really your business and not open for discussion. Please pass the salt [or whatever...change the topic]" Say it with a smile. If they bring it up again, repeat yourself over and over or end the discussion and walk away, hang up the phone, whatever you have to do to end the conversation. Yes it will be nerve-wracking the first time you do it but you'll get used to repeating your "party line." Make sure your husband is on board with this too and says the same thing. Present a united front and ignore them.

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M.S.

answers from Kansas City on

I don't believe in co-sleeping, but if you and your husband are both cool with it, it's time to tell them to mind their own business. My daughter sleeps in her own bed, has her whole life, and that's how I like it. But I wouldn't tell someone else that's how they have to do it.

Are you lecturing them on co-sleeping like you did us here? That would put me on the defensive.

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A.B.

answers from Louisville on

You stop the nagging by not trying to defend your position or change their minds. Anytime you try to defend your decision, you are inviting your in-laws (or anyone else) to engage in a debate about the subject. Behave in a way that demonstrates your confidence in your choices, and you'll head off a lot of the nagging. Such behavior would include limiting the conversation to these responses when tricky subjects arise: "Thank you for your concern. How about the weather we've been having?" or a more firm, "I'm sorry, but this isn't open for discussion."

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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am not a fan of co-sleeping, but I am a fan of respecting other parent's decisions.
Next time it comes up, you should say, "I know you don't approve/agree, but it's a decision that we have made. I'm sure you have your grandchild's best interests at heart, but I promise you, studies have shown it is healthy and she will not be damaged for life. I'm tired of discussing this and being judged. We should just agree to disagree and move on. End of discussion."

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S.R.

answers from El Paso on

While I don't agree with everything you said against having kids sleep in their own beds, I completely support your decision to co-sleep. I can't do it, my kids and I sleep better when we're in our own beds.

That being said, your husband is on the same page you are, right? Have him talk to his parents. Have him ask (or tell) them to stay out of it; you guys have made your parenting decisions based on what works best for YOU. If it's working for you guys, no one else should have anything else to say on the subject. You guys really just need to take a stand saying that you don't appreciate your parenting decisions being criticized when it's doing no harm to anyone.

Also, in the future, it would probably be wise to keep parenting decisions to yourselves if it's something that people wouldn't know about otherwise.

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☼.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I haven't read any of the other responses, but you don't need to validate your parenting style or sleeping arrangements with anyone. We co-slept with our daughter for 3 years and no one dared to say one word to me because I'm a pretty strong-minded and strong-willed individual and I also read up on parenting issues and am informed. What works for you and your family is no one elses's business. Start projecting confidence in this area and don't accept the tisk-tisking, stop it in its tracks: "This works for us in our house and is not up for debate." Period. Repeat as often as needed until they drop the subject. Good luck, you can do it!

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E.N.

answers from Knoxville on

Nothing my inlaws said made much of an impact on anything I ever did.

My twins spent 17 days in the NICU. The first few days in seperate isolets in the highest risk room (very clinical looking). After a week in seperate isolets in a twin room (next stage down in NICU, but large enough for two with two gliders, nice decor etc). When it came time to put them in cribs I asked if they could be put in one crib together. They said they would if they could find one available to fit them both.
They did.
As soon as the girls were together their heart rates regulated, their temperatures regulated and they slept better.
We kept them together until they started rolling and I moved one to another crib.
That's when all the sleepless nights started. Looking back, I would have left them together, but I didn't relate that to putting them in seperate beds.
B started waking every hour or less. Her daddy would get up, rock her back to sleep and do the same thing all night long. After a week and a half of no sleep, he caved and said, "I have to sleep! She is coming to our bed!"
Now that we are divorcing, the girls both fall asleep in their own beds (twin beds pushed together as it works better for their sleep patterns still) I lie between them until they are asleep as one plays with my hair to comfort herself and the other just wants to feel that someone is there. (She ALWAYS has part of her touching me or sister, or she wakes.)
Most of the time lately, T stays in her own bed all night, but B has only spent a handful of nights without joining me.
If I knew then what I have learned now, I would have left them together for much, much longer. They sleep great when they are with me in bed, but I DON'T! I end up crammed between to almost 5 year olds.

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E.X.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Be blunt. They had their turn to parent as they saw fit, now it's yours and your husband's turn.

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J.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

You stop explaining this or opening up for conversation...Bottom line it is something that works for you and you are not asking permission or acceptance so therefore you need not continue the conversation. Giggle and smile and hug your in laws and say, I love you and know you love your grandbaby but right now this is something that we are not going to agree on so let's let this go for now please.

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M.M.

answers from Dallas on

You do what you feel is best for your family. However, everyone has right to their opinion including, you on co-sleeping, and them on sleeping alone. Co-sleeping is very controversial. Yes, to me, it really is that strange. But that is my opinion. There is no wrong or right in this situation, which is why it is so controversial. Great kids and screwed up kids come from both types of parenting. You all just need to agree to disagree.

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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

I would just straight out tell them it's non of their business and you will do what you feel is best for your child. And if they can't accept that it's their problem and not yours. I had a friend that had a baby before me and he slept in their bed and I swore I would not do that when I had a baby. I didn't do it so much when my oldest was first born but later on I did and he slept with me till he was 2 1/2. After that he would fall asleep in my bed and when my husband got home from work would put him in his bed and he was fine. When my husband was home he would fall asleep in his own bed. It was a comfort thing for my son. He knew daddy was home when he was in his bed. But you have to do what works best for the mental and physical health of your family and not worry about anyone else. YOu might even need to get your husband to tell them off instead of you. that is if he hasn't already.
Good luck!!!

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L.B.

answers from New York on

I can sympathize. I cosleep with my son, and its easy to keep family members minding their own business when they're visiting me, but when we visit them, our sleeping arrangements become a major topic of conversation. It annoys me so much, I prefer to stay in a hotel whenever possible. I think your in laws need to mind their own beeswax, but I know that's easier said than done. Sometimes, when someone is harassing me about not using CIO, I can't help but point out how well adjusted, affectionate, and independent my son is. :)

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

For us grandparents, it is a "new" phenomena. We simply did not do it, but I don't consider it "strange." Hubby and I would not be comfortable with a child in our bed, but we are "old school" grandparents.

I will say, however, that children who do not co-sleep DO NOT learn that they should not go to their parents for help. That's a ridiculous and over-the-top statement. I NEVER slept with my parents yet I had no problem coming to them for help and/or protection. Same with my daughter.

Like you said, all kids are different and you are make generalized statements about kids who don't co-sleep. Those are just as irritating as people's comments about those who do co-sleep.

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L.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

You just have to ignore everyone and do what you want. Most grandparents don't understand why we do lots of things with our kids now. Times are different now. I didn't purposely co-sleep but my son wound up sleeping with us most nights until he was about 9 years old. I wouldn't make him sleep in his own bed even though I didn't get much sleep many nights because he's getting pretty big and even in the king size bed he was taking up lots of room and always kicking me or pushing me to the edge of the bed. Around 10 years old he started sleeping in his bed because he was more comfortable having more room. He still comes in bed once in awhile and we still all sleep together on vacation if we only have one bed. So at some point when your daughter is ready she will sleep in her own bed but right now do what is best for you.

E.A.

answers from Erie on

I'm so sorry your family isn't more supportive, but this is how you learn to have a bit of a thick skin when you choose to go against the norm. We are so lucky to both have parents that supported our choice to co-sleep, among other things considered odd by many people we have known over the years.
Your reasons are valid, so don't feel the need to defend them. I agree that simply refusing to talk about it with them is a good course of action now.

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