In Laws - Tinley Park,IL

Yes, stop. Don't make things one-sided by doing more than they do. Mirror their behavior and let it go. Less stress for you.

You couldn't pay me to go to Europe with my in laws. No purdy cathedrals and lovely sights could ever outweigh the misery..

You can't change their behavior but you can decide not to feel hurt and to move on. If your mother in law doesn't acknowledge you, I'd make plans to do other stuff when she's around. Don't hang out with people who are rude to you. You don't have to. And NEVER say anything mean about them to hubby. Be pleasant and ignore them.

Welcome to mamapedia, L.

I'm confused. Where is your husband in all of this? Why does he NOT have your back??

How do you get past it? You and your husband TALK, you COMMUNICATE with each other and you tell him how you feel....do NOT place blame, do not accuse...tell him how hurt you are that your feelings are not acknowledged, your birthday (which is special to you) is not regarded or acknowledged at all.

Moving? If they aren't paying the bills? They really don't have a say. Why is your husband MUTE about this?

I'd really love to hear your husband's side of the story. What HE perceives and what HE viewed happened.

in regards to family gifts? You can make him responsible for it. Tell him that he has to take care of his family gifts. You are busy with YOUR family gifts. He has to be responsible for SOMETHING...

Your husband needs to SHOW and TELL his family how to treat you. If he allows it? Stand up for yourself. You can be nice and polite. You are letting things get to you and if you don't start expressing your feelings?? You are going to EXPLODE and it will NOT be pretty for ANYONE...

You don't need to get past it. You need your husband to have your back. That means you need to communicate with your husband.

You and Hubby should try not to discuss money with your in-laws (or your parents either).
I had to stop doing that with my Mom.
Ultimately- you and Hubby decide where you want to live and where/when you go on vacation.
You guys are married and adults and you need to go your own way sometimes and not mingle so much with your/his parents.
It's ok to say 'no, sorry that's not going to work for us. Send us a post card but we've made other plans'.
If you no longer want to do gifts for nieces.nephews then stop doing it.

I suggest you let go of the birthday thing. You are a grown woman, not a child. I realize you may see this differently but I stopped caring about birthdays after I turned 21. I would only be hurt if my HUSBAND forgot my birthday.
If you had wanted some crab cakes you should have just said something, like, oh yummy, did you save any for me? they look wonderful.
It's called communication.
As far as gifts and cards? Yeah, I don't know a single married man who does that. It's ALWAYS the wife. So if you don't like doing it, tell your husband you don't want to do it anymore.
Again, communication.
As far as the comments go, do you and your husband just sit there saying nothing? If it bothers you why can't you speak up? I'm not saying to be confrontational but as adults you should be able to express your feelings and opinions in an honest and friendly way.
COMMUNICATION.
Oh, and Europe? If you can't go because of a new job then don't go (though I can't imagine NOT going to Europe!) A high school grad party can be planned anytime, before or after the trip, and isn't your husband moving with you? I just don't see how going on vacation has anything to do with moving, unless of course you can't afford to do both, then by all means you and your husband need to make the best choice that works for you, not your in laws.

I think you should be having conversations with your DH about how you feel and does he have any insight? And a family trip with people who didn't wish me a Happy Birthday? No. If people make plans without me, then they accept that I might have other plans. Like a HS graduation party. I would weigh how much I really wanted to go and if DH or anyone else got a say in the adventure or if you were the only one dragged along by the ILs. You don't have to like them, nor they you, but I would be civil. If you really don't care what they think, then why not say, "So why didn't you acknowledge my birthday?" Or "I noticed you don't greet me by name when we arrive. Have I done something to offend you?"

As for the money, I would talk to DH about not oversharing with them since they seem to think that means they can make all sorts of unnecessary and hurtful comments.

I think your husband has poor boundaries.

He doesn't know how to have boundaries with his parents. And

He doesn't know how to have a boundary around his marriage.

I agree with the others that you need to talk about this with him. You guys need to be on the same team so that these little things don't pull you apart.

I also agree that you need to speak up! Not rudely or angrily, but with the expectation that you have a right to be included.

The needs of the marriage come first. Then you meet the needs outside of the marriage.

Hope it gets better

Whoa. First things first: If you don't deal with the "mandatory vacation" thing right now, you are going to end up spending a wad on a vacation that will make you miserable -- and will strain your fairly new marriage, too.

Please deal with this before you go further worrying about the lack of birthday interest or discussions of your home choices or your money. Seriously, the vacation thing is a huge, waving red flag.

Does your husband go along with this idea? Does he agree that yes, you and he MUST take this particular vacation with his parents? Did HE get a vote or say in the destination? Does he expect the two of you to pay your own way or (worse) does he know mommy and daddy will pay for you both (thus giving his parents the "right" to feel they run the whole vacation, if they pay for any of it for you and him)? In other words, where the heck is he in the vacation discussion?

Have you taken these can't-say-no vacations the past few years of your marriage? Did you want to? If not: Why did you do it?!

If your husband is so tangled in the apron strings that he cannot say "I am an adult in my own marriage and want a vacation with my wife, to be a couple, not with my parents" -- then you married mama's boy and need to sit down and talk about what the term "man up" means here. You have a right not to spend your family's money on someone else's good time. You have a right to have a vacation with just your husband. If htat is what you want to do, you need to tell him. If you went along with previous mandatory vacations, you unfortunately set a precedent that you agree that you will vacation with his parents; time to break that pattern or you'll be doing it forever. Do it nicely but very firmly: "This year we are having a vacation as a couple so we will not be coming to Europe with you." Period, no discussion, no debate, no caving in to weeping or sniping.

Oh, and HE has to say it. Not you. Him. If they accuse you of putting him up to it and denying them their "family tradition" of a vacation -- smile sweetly and say, "I know you'd appreciate the idea that Son and I are building a family tradition of our own" and change the topic.

But if he can't do all that too, it may be a lost cause.

The rest is related to all this, you know. Has he ever told them your birthday? Are you sure they even know it? He should, before the next one, tell them the date and be very clear that you would really welcome a card. And he should repeat that one week and again one day before the birthday. It's not really a big deal in the end, but if it matters to you, he should make some little effort with his parents. And he also is the one to nip talk of finances in the bud (mostly by keeping his mouth shut about his financial worries around mom and dad) and the one to back you up on any talk of where to move (again, do not discuss in front of them, ever -- let them know your new address after you sign the papers and don't ask for advice or even mention it beforehand).

Sit down and think hard about his relationship with them. Is there a pattern of his just doing whatever keeps them happy even if you don't like it? Does he know, though, if you are unhappy, or do you just say nothing? You do NOT want to turn this into "it's me or them" but you also have to be assertive if you have a mama's boy or a "go along to get along" person in your life.

First, you might reconsider the European vacation. If your finances are tight, I would definitely take that to mean you can't afford it. They will be just fine without you.
And as for the cards and gifts, leave it up to your husband. I buy the cards and gifts for my family, and my husband does so for his. I stopped doing this for him a long time ago (and he has stepped up). If you do it, he will let you.
I don't get a Happy Birthday half the time from my inlaws (definitely not my BIL and his wife). At this point, I just don't care anymore.

How old is your husband ? Is he the baby of the family? Was he married previously? I don't know what to make of the birthday thing but I will say in certain cultures and certain family dynamics the boys / men are all served and catered too by mom. I'd suggest you watch more carefully and see how does your MIL treat other in laws? It is your husbands job to stick up for you but it is also your job to try to build a relationship. It sounds like your husband is the baby of the family it'd be nice to know more about his family dynamics.

You don't digest it, you meander right around it. Your husbands parents seem to choose not to accept you, they don't have to, they didn't marry you.

When they offer financial advice, smile and ask them to pass the salt.

If you do decide to go to Europe, make some of your own plans. Find a group, ask your hotel, and enjoy "your vacation time".

As for your birthday, let it go. Go get your nails done or whatever you do for the "me" time, and stop expecting them to celebrate it, because they won't.

If your birthday wish was deleted, take that as a sign. You know...the other night I was talking to a dad about his daughter, then my daughter. When I hit my daughter, he said, "That's nice". QUEUE! He was no longer interested.

Unless your in laws are paying your mortgage, which it doesn't sound like it, smile and ask them to pass the salt.

Best wishes.

I would like to suggest that this is not a problem with your inlaws, it's a problem with your husband. What does he say when they offer him dessert but not you? I would suggest that he say something like "yes, Lynne, would you like some too?" or "no thanks, but perhaps Lynne would like some."

When they suggest a family vacation, his response should be "I'll talk it over with Lynne and let you know if we can come." And then it should be a real conversation between the two of you, after which he lets his parents know what decision the 2 of you have made.

And no, you don't need to buy cards/presents for the people on his side of the family. If he thinks it's important, then he should do it.

And since your $ and budget isn't any of their business, why did your husband bring it up to his parents?

Really - this is a communication issue between you and your husband, not between you and your inlaws. You have very different ideas of family boundaries.

I think you need to communicate with your husband, and he with you. There are a few discussion which need to happen. And not all at once.

1. Why are your in-laws ignoring you. If my in-laws were doing this, I'd talk with my husband and he would demand answers.

2. What's the deal with the vacation. Now that you're married, you and your husband might like to take your OWN annual vacations on your chosen schedule. What will happen if you and your husband do that?

3. Why is your husband talking with his parents about being stressed about money instead of talking with you so you and he can work on a better budget? You're adults and don't need to be lectured.

I don't think you need to be "hurt and wounded." That's a tad melodramatic, darling. But I do think that you need to address each of these issues with your husband, within your scope of influence. You cannot change them or control them, but you can place healthy boundaries within your marriage.

Best of luck.

Your husband needs to deal with his parents. You and your husband plan how your husband can protect you and/stand up for you. I suggest that everytime his parents exclude you he needs to not participate. When they offer him coffee he could say something like serve L. first. When they plan a trip he could say L. can't go those dates. If she doesn't go I won't either and then suggest alternate dates.

Nether you or your husband can change how they feel but your husband can change the way they treat you. Why is he going along with them? He may need counseling to find out why making his parents happy is more important than making you happy and how to make your happiness a priorty.

If he's not willing or able to stand up for you I suggest you get counseling to learn why this is happening and what you can do to increase your own happiness. Ultimately you may have to decide if you want to stay with him.

Later: I agree that you should also ask for what you want. When mil offers a cup of coffee to your husband ask for one yourself. You and your husband need to work together on this.

Please re-read Amy J.'s advice a few times.
She nailed this. Spot on.

I generally get the whole "your husband needs to speak up, have your back, set boundaries, etc...BUT they're not attacking you or treating you "badly" - it's more like they're ignoring you. Imo, this isn't time to shove your husband to the front of the class to "set them straight."

And never, ever, EVER put your husband in the position of feeling this is you vs. them. Only on extreme circumstances should a woman ask her husband to choose between his parents and herself. This ain't that.

Good luck!

Dealing with In-laws always seems to be tricky. They do things differently than your family does. They act differently. They have different rules and boundaries. I struggle with my in-laws too...they are so different from my family and it takes a bit of work. I totally agree with the others that a big part of your problem is your husband. Any time his family snubs you he needs to stick up for you and teach them how you need to be treated. He needs to say something to them. He needs to stick up for you each and every time.
On one hand I want to tell you to just buy birthday cards each year for your husband to sign and the other part of me wants to say just let your husband take care of this...which he probably won't. You have not been together very long...I have been dealing with my in-laws for 22 years. It's a long road of discovery and growth. So, I say take the high road whenever you can and try to treat them well. Yet, don't expect anything from them. Think about how things might be 30 years from now. If you miss the family vacation, did you miss a chance to bond with them? Or did you save yourself a bunch of grief? I have attended every darn thing all these years and it really has done good....very very slowly I think my in-laws understand me better and we do get along. But I will admit there have been times at these events where I wish I had stayed home bc I felt slighted. As far as how to let go and have no expectations...that is hard for anyone to teach to someone else. You could read the book The Work by Byron Katie. You could read some Buddhism. You could meditate. All these things have helped me.

It is disturbing that your in-laws seem to try and ignore you. You probably need to discuss this with your husband to see if they have ever said anything to him about you or if he notices that they seem to ignore you. He can speak up on your behalf which kind of calls them on their rude behavior. "Mom, why don't you ask L. if she'd like dessert and coffee, too. I'm sure she would enjoy your cake, too." I don't know what the deal is about your birthday, so you might ask your husband if he thinks it is weird or whey they ignore it. I would be happy that they treated my son decently. But I definitely agree that you and your husband need to limit the talk about finances in front of them.

they don't sound too wonderful, but you also seem a little sensitive.
i'd draw the line at the annual vacation. if money's tight, you have the perfect reason right there. it's not untoward to want to spend your annual vacation with your husband. we do in-law vacations occasionally, but not annually, and we both like our in-laws.
but i'd let the rest of it go. you don't have to be super warm and fuzzy with them, nor do you have to send a bunch of cards and gifts if you don't want to (although what's the stress about a card?)
you certainly don't need to twist yourself into a pretzel to try and please them. they sound pretty unpleasant (who deletes a happy birthday post??)
but neither do you need to stoop to their level.
develop better shielding and tweak their 'nads by being genuinely cheerful.
khairete
S.

What you haven't said here is what your husband thinks about these rude behaviors of his family towards you. Why haven't you mentioned this in your post? Is it because you don't talk to him about it?

Are you and your husband going to Europe? Are you expected to pay for yourselves or are they paying for you? Does your husband agree with what they do and say? Does he EVER stand up to them and tell them that they are out of line? Does he ever try to establish boundaries? Did you ask your SIL why she deleted your happy birthday post?

Sometimes it's NOT the right thing to "let go". Sometimes you need to address the elephant in the room. Can you add to your post in regards to these questions? It's easier to give you advise with a clearer understanding of what is going on with the VERY important issue of your husband.

Aside from the birthday issue, how do they treat you? I ask that because in my family, adult birthdays are no big deal, and they may not even remember your birthday, where as their own son's birthday is easy to remember. If it is something that is important to you, talk about this with your husband. Their slight may be unintentional. It sounds like there are things here and there that bother you, but could be sorted out with communication.

As far as the annual vacation with in laws, where they choose the time and location and you are expected to drop everything and use your personal vacation time to 'come along', I would personally not be okay with that at all!! No way! You are an adult and worth more than being 'informed' of the vacation you will be taking every year! That's absolutely ridiculous. I would talk to dh about this right away.

Sometimes we are made to feel like the bad guy for rocking the boat, but sometimes there are family traditions in place that are unhealthy, insensitive, and centered on the needs of a few instead of all.

Your husband mentioned money to them, so not surprisingly they gave their opinion. If your husband doesn't want them commenting on your finances, then he shouldn't share his financial affairs with his father.

Send gifts to whomever it makes you happy to give gifts to. If they don't acknowledge the gifts, then don't send any more. Don't send cards for your husband - he's a big boy and can send his own card. Anything you send, or give, should only be sent out of love, with no expectation of anything in return. If it doesn't make you happy to give a gift to someone, then you shouldn't do it.

Similarly, if people delete your posts, then don't bother posting any more.

As far as the MIL goes, she sounds a little rude, and you and she may never be buddies. Can you handle that? It won't be the worst thing in the world. Just be civil to her, enjoy the people you do get along with, and let it go. We can't make everyone like us or be polite to us.

Don't be hurt and wounded that a rude person isn't particularly interested in you. It doesn't matter.

Your problem is really with your husband, though it may not seem like it.

I would skip the trip to Europe and spend the time in marriage counseling instead.

JMO.