In Laws... - Katy,TX

As you know, raising kids and running a house is just about the toughest job you could do. I respect you for taking that on.
Good for your wife for standing up for your situation.
I think your wife needs to tell her father that if he is going to disrespect her husband he's not welcome in your home. That's just wrong.

As for how to 'act' at family gatherings--I think polite and respectful will go a long way to prove a point. That you're the bigger person.

Good luck!

Hi there! Welcome. You are among many here who know you are going through. In-laws. Yep. I got 'em too. Two sets, in fact. :)

I think part of the issue here is that you would like to be validated for the job you actually do. I get it. I am also college educated and chose to stay home to PARENT our girls. My actual MIL thinks that I should have dumped the girls in daycare so that I could make money. She hates that we drive an old car and shop second hand. She'd rather her granddaughters have things than have the opportunity that I provide for them. It was OUR decision to live this way and we feel it is the best decision for our children. PERIOD.

Her money is your money and there is NO SHAME in paying your child support with it. It is actually responsible. But, you know this. :)

Would he rather have her stay home with the kids? Does he think that because they are in school they are the teachers' responsibility? That they feed and care for themselves at this magical age?

I never plan to go back to work full time when my girls are in school all day. If I can find something that fits my schedule to work part time and it DOESN'T interfere with the harmony of our house, then I will do that. Right now I volunteer at the school and will get a part time job in the evening opposite of my husband because we NEED a little extra income. If we didn't, then I wouldn't work TWO jobs.

Nothing you tell him will matter. Nothing she tells him will matter. He has his mind made up. He has never had your job so he will never understand. Best wishes to you and welcome to "motherhood" (where the attitude is you don't really do anything all day, anyway). Ugh. In-laws. What do you do with them? :)

She's not going to get his approval here. He can't wrap his head around it and while it works for you, he cannot imagine himself as a homemaker. Think about it for a minute.... his version of a homemaker probably involves an apron and lipstick!

Personally, I would thank your wife for supporting you with her father and then have a private conversation with him. Be polite and respectful, but clear. This topic is no longer open for conversation. We are happy and this works for us. Period. If he brings it up again, gather your family and leave.

You can think you are smart enough to work through this, but bottom line it may impact your marriage. Time to stand up for yourself. You are only reinforcing his image of you by allowing your wife to be your voice. At family gatherings, be cordial and respectful, but "know when to leave"- at least that's what we do when my in-laws start talking about daycare!

My MIL talked about "paying someone to raise our child" relentlessly. My husband talked with her and asked her to stop. My SIL even said something to her. I finally stopped by one afternoon and calmly told her that our child was well cared-for and loved. I work because I love what I do and spent many years learning how to do it. We are very comfortable with our decision and do not want to hear any more about it. I let her know that if it came up again, we would leave. Honestly? We did- one time and one time only.

Generational may be a reason...but not an excuse. He's behaving ignorantly. He is sexist.
I GUARUNTEE that man has NO idea what it takes to run a household. He probably worked his 40 hr a week job, then came home and put his feet up for the rest of the day. Like alot of men did, and still do. Kudos to you for seeing this as a better choice for your family. It shows you are very confident in yourself as a man, and father.
I worked full time until my middle was born. And believe me, this is MUCH harder. You are never off the clock, your responsibilities are endless, and alot of times thankless.
The next time he spouts off at the mouth, I would simply say that he would most definitely not object if the tables were turned, and you worked while your wife stayed home and you "payed" for her children. This is not tit for tat. You are family that is working together for the best of everyone. ANd it's none of his concern, if he daughter was unhappy, then it would be up to HER to change the situation. I'm sure it's hard to bite your tongue, but he doesn't seem worth the energy!

I think you have to consider your audience. This is one of those old school greatest generation, back in my day , type of men. He wants a strong man to take care of his daughter the way he did for her mom. The only way to gain this kind of guys respect is to demand it. Face to Face. Man to Man. You show him that you are taking care of his daughter by defending her. Sit him down and tell him he has to respect you, your wife and your choices if he wants to remain a part of your life. You value his input and have heard what he had to say about it, but for now, the subject is closed. Then just sit back and watch his opinion of you change. Even if he doesn't like it, he will have to respect it. That's the goal.

Ithink part of where your in-law might be coming from is that your children are in school during the day...except summer...so! there is opportunity for you to work part time to contribute. AS a stay at home parent I here you because I get it also but not much since I am home al day long with my childen with the commitment to go back to work part time after they are all in school. But if this makes all of you happy then just ignore! As a younger mom who gets lots of rude comments I have learned the art of igoring!! :)

I can understand wanting "approval" from a parent but I suspect you are right, your wife may never really get this. My thought is your wife needs to talk to her parents and let them know this is not something she wishes to discuss with them. It's off limits. Don't bring it up and if they do change the subject. If they are persistant and she/you are at their house, leave. If they are at your house ask them to leave or change the subject. They will eventually get the idea that thier input on this subject isn't wanted or will make you change. I understand your frustration with your FIL and how he treats you and then how he talks about you to his daughter. Some people are able to compartmentalize their feelings but this is still hurtful. Your FIL may truly enjoy your company but can't let go of this issue. That said, I'd keep it friendly and light with him, (no depth but respectful, "How's the weather?" sort of relationship). All the Best! I know Stay at Home Dads have a whole set of issues others don't have to deal with. I can only imagine! If you'd like, I can ask a freind who is also a Stay at Home Dad about resources. He's mentioned a few online groups. Message me if you'd like me to do that.

I realize I am late and that you guys seem to have sorted this stuff out well. But I just wanted to throw this out as well and sorry if this is a repeat. I am white my husband is black and our kids are both. We are happy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with our life together and yet for all time possibly, there will just be people who don't like it. Our families are southern and while our parents are totally great with everything I bet we both have some family members who don't like it much and you know what, whatever. So I think it would be good for you both to just realize that you are doing something that not everyone does and it may never set well with some. I have a perception that most men wouldn't feel fulfilled at home, don't know why I think this, I just do, probably based on things I was taught as a child etc, who knows. But you say you guys are working great so I say, perfect. My husband says all the time that if my singing career ever takes off he will quit work in a heartbeat to be my 'manager' he doesn't care who makes the money as long as it gets made ;) He has never had hang ups about that kind of stuff. For now I am home with the kids and as all other parents at home know, it ain't for wimps for sure. So I just think realizing that people are going to judge your situation and just accepting that and moving on would be good. One day, when we were newly married, my husband I walked out of Walmart and got some looks. He took my hand and we agreed that from that day on we were never going to notice that or worry about that again, and you know, we never have, who cares, life is too short. I know it must be harder with a parent, but you guys spoke your peace, it's your life as a couple and he just has to deal. As far as the child support issue I don't actually think that is a big thing. We see any money that comes into this house as our money, we have never had his and her money, so that is an expense like any other that the house has to pay. I mean if your kids lived with you guys, I am sure they would want to eat and have clothes etc. I think when you marry everything is 'ours', just how I see it. Take care!

i am very sorry you have to go through that. My husband and i where in that same situation about two years ago. He lost his job and found another soon after but in the midst of it we had a baby. So we talked and we came to the conclusion that he would stay home to take care of our baby while i worked. I didnt see a problem in that. We werent financially struggling and i liked that he wanted to stay home with our little one instead of going to daycare with strangers. My family went crazy and actually threatened to call CPS on me because they thought he wasnt fit to watch her. When in fact he was. What bothered me the most was that my OWN family threatened to take my baby away. I was so angry and hurt i went over to my sisters house and let them know exactly how i felt. i stood my ground and i didnt speak to them for over 4 months and they didnt see my baby until they apologized and recognized that he is in fact a good father and what he is doing is perfectly acceptable. my husband on the other changed his way of thinking of them. Although we all get together as a family its still not the same. He is very respectful towards my family but will never ask any of them for anything nor will he engage in a conversation with them. Like you said "life is about US" Some people are very quick to judge.

How sad that according to your father-in-law it's OK that someone like me stays home with my kids (because I am a woman) and that it is not OK for you to do so. I, like you, am a college educated person! I have a Masters degree! And I've been home with my kids for 8 years and have just recently been doing some substitute teaching. For now, it's what works for us. I agree with you - I doubt she'll ever get her father's approval on this one. Different generations indeed. Good luck to you. You have a lot of supporters here :)

Hmm...maybe since he is such a caveman, he'd respond best if you confront him and tell him to knock it off. Then beat your chest and tell him the next time he disrespects "your woman" in your house you'll show him the door. Of course, I'm kidding, sort of...

You and your wife are making it work. Your happy, your wife is happy, the kids are taken care of.

Your father-in-law is not happy with how you and your wife choose to run YOUR household...so your wife needs to let it be HIS problem, not hers.

I understand your wife being upset, we all want approval from our parents. She needs to just accept the fact that her father doesn't agree She should tell her father that he needs to STOP bringing it up. It's her family and her choice...why should she have to be continually reminded that he doesn't approve, that's upsetting.

I think you need to speak to him frankly about his comments to your wife. Be upfront, that he's your kids grandfather...you want him around, etc., you said he's pleasant to you which is good. Just tell him there's more than one way to make things work. I think he'll respect you more if you speak to him about it calmly rather than say nothing to him. My father doesn't always agree with everything we do, but I know that he sees things differently sometimes after my husband speaks to him about it. Good luck.

I don't know what kind of relationship your wife has with her dad, but if this were me, and considering my relationship with my father, this is what I would do......

I'd gather all four of us to sit down and talk. I'd say, "Dad, Mom, I know that things were different when you were raising me. But times change. I know that you would be angry if I were ever discriminated against at work because I'm a woman. Wouldn't you? (wait for agreement) Yes. I know you would. But don't you see, that's what you're doing to John? Because he is a man, you're discriminating against him being a SAHD. And it makes me really sad. You know that I love him. You know I am happy. You know I have a good job and we have a good life. These are all the things you wanted for me, aren't they? (wait for agreement) Then I need you to accept the lifestyle we have chosen for our family, and to be respectful of it. Because the things you say are making ME unhappy. And do you want to be the ones to make me unhappy? Of course not. This cannot go on any longer. So please, think about this. Look at me. Look at my great life, and my loving family. And from this moment on, accept what is, and keep any misgivings you have to yourselves. I love you both very much."

My dad didn't approve of my husband at all! My husband is a city boy, Im a country girl. He grew up in rented houses that the land lord fixed every thing that went wrong. They never had a car growing up, walked every where. He always had girl friends that took care of the money/ bills. I was raised on a farm, know how to fix almost anything I can get my hands on in the house or on a vehicle. I love painting... he hates it, I love home projects, he doesn't know how. But he can climb a tree like a monkey and have it cut down in a blink of an eye. I wont get 5 feet off the ground if I don't have to. lol He would get mad because I was fixing the house up myself or when I needed his help on something my hubby would watch and not help. Well he didn't have a clue on what he was doing, so he would have been in the way. Dad wasn't happy that I wasn't working and staying home with the kids, things are tight so I should be working... then when I did, I got why are you working you should be raising your kids not having your oldest watch them all day.

I finally told him, Dad just because I was raised with learning how to do these things and he wasn't doesn't make him less of a man. We all have different things we know how to do or not do. I never looked for your approval when marrying him, Im not asking for it now. But I do want you to except him for who he is and respect him because we ( kids and I) do love him and he loves us. It should be enough for you to know that your little girl and grand kids are happy, loved and taken care of. It took about a year after that and he did finally come around and has since apologize to both my hubby and I.

So maybe let your wife have a heart to heart with him and hopefully over time he will come around.

It is sad he feels the need to corner his daughter without you present. Like he doesn't 'respect' you enough as a stay at home father, but he respects you enough not to chew out your wife in front of you. OH ,the irony.

Well, for one, she needs to stop explaining herself to him. She can quietly get up and leave the room. Tell him the conversation is over. No need for excuses or explanations. This may be hard for her, but she does not owe him any sort of rebuttal at all. Maintaining a calm and concise demeanor, she can point out that his approval is not needed or wanted, and his criticisms are not welcome in your home.

Really, the less knowledge people have of your private lives, the less they can intrude on them. So, make sure that she or you isn't talking to him about it.

So...if your wife stayed home, would he think that she "sits around all day" is "lazy" and doesn't contribute to the household? Because I don't why just because you're a guy it suddenly means you're lazy. I'm a SAHM and it's BUSY!! I'm exhausted most days (probably has something to do with the pregnancy and all the little ones I chase around!). I don't at all think staying home is less of a job.

anyway, glad your wife called and talked to him. Hopefully he'll come around one day. But, if not, it sounds like you guys have it figured out the way that works for you and you aren't letting him interfere.

oh my goodness, I am so sorry!!!! My husband would probably not be able to keep back his feeling like you are able to. my hubby would probably have went off on my dad if he were to speak like that to me. I digress. her dad needs to stop. he said his peace and now he needs to leave it be. maybe you could just talk to him and tell him that he has no right to disrespect you or your wife and that in all honesty it is none of his business!! and I love your comment about the difference between what it "costs" vs what it "takes" to run a household!!!!

I can see where your frustration comes from but when you said that " I can go the rest of my life without ever speaking to him again", you are just causing more fuel to the fire. Just my opinion but obviously this man is making life hard(er) for your wife and she doesnt need you to be snarky, nasty, or stand offish to her father. I say just try talking to him again about all of this, maybe with the three of you in a calm manner to get it all out on the table and explain where you are coming from, that you as a couple have decided that this works for you and that as adults this shouldnt concern him. Maybe it will help and maybe it wont but I think for the sake of your wife you need to try to keep the peace because no matter what his views are he will always be her father
Good Luck

My father would take her dad's position. It's not conventional for a man to stay home and care for the house, etc.

Your wife paying your child support struck my nerve so I can imagine how her father must feel.

Perhaps it seems like you have no plans to work in the near future. Is that the case? Maybe that's why he thinks you're taking advantage of his daughter.

Honestly, I wouldn't want my daughter working while her husband stayed home. I wouldn't want my daughter paying her husband's child support either. Maybe her father sees you as a "Kept Man". There seems to be more to your predicament than disclosed, either way if it works for you guys, then keep on keeping on.

If it were me, I would just sit down with him and tell him that your family is happy the way it is, you don't appreciate ongoing comments about what you have decided to do and you would like it to stop. If it doesn't, then unfortunately you will have to limit your time together. (Talk to your wife about this first.) And it may be a good idea to not tell anyone so many details of your life. I learned that with my mom. I mentioned to her that we were tight on money once and then I swear, every time she saw me spend a dime for YEARS after that she would ask if I really "needed" that or not since I was broke. So now I don't tell her things that are not her business. I hope you find something that works out for you. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand his feelings (generationally speaking) and I suppose he is entitled to his opinion. He is even entitled to check in with his daughter and make sure she is happy and okay with this arrangement. But it sounds like this has crossed a line into bullying and belittleing.

I really feel bad for your wife as she clearly is hurt by this. However, she basically needs to set some boundaries with Dad. She should acknowledge him and say "Dad, I have heard and appreciate your concerns for me." Then she needs to tell him to back off in no uncertain terms. And there needs to be consequences for his actions. If he can't let it go, then she should probably put some distance there. "Dad, I told you I will no longer discuss this with you" and she should exit so he can play with the kids or she should ask him to leave. She has to put her family first, and while I am sure you are her priority, she is making things worse by letting him treat her this way.

She wants his approval, but she may not get it. That is being an adult. Part of me wants to suggest she turns the tables - "Dad, you were a great provider, but I never felt close to you because you were never home. I am so glad <hubby> IS a doting involved father."

I also think it could help if she let him know how he is affecting her. Not just that he is hurting her feelings, but that he is undermining her feelings about her stepchildren - she is "paying" for them, but it is an act of love not subservience. How dare he challenge her relationship and feelings for them? And vice versa - he should be thrilled your stepchildren have you in their lives. They are lucky.

As for you, out of respect for your wife, I think you need to be kind to her father and a role model for the kids. It is her problem to deal with, not yours. I know it is easier said than done, and I know your feelings are hurt too. But if you get angry at him or make it more of an issue, then he will be able to blame you for any distance that he is creating. They need to work it out.

So sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you have a particularly strong partnership with your wife.

PS - As for the "fake" part. I understand your feelings, but I suspect in his own way he is trying to be respectful. I mean, his issue really is with his daughter's happiness and not with you per se. I also think you are lucky has hasn't taken to snide mutterings in front of the kids. That is standard operating procedure for some people. It stinks, but it IS between them, and I think you should be glad he isn't laying into you too :)

I think it is a total generational thing. Men of his generation never did anything around the house except maybe the lawn work and taking out the trash. My dad had no idea all my mom did during the day to keep a house running.

In fact after my mom died he would come over and eat dinner with us every night. One night I was running late getting home from work so I asked him to make the rice. He looked at me like I had asked him to program a nuclear submarine. He had never cooked, well...anything in 25+ years of marriage. I told him to read the box and follow the directions...he did, but I don't think he liked it.

All daughters want their father's/daddy's approval. I know I still do and I am a grown woman.

My husband cooks, cleans, does laundry, bathes kids, and a million other things my father's generation would never have dreamed of doing.

I do understand the situation and I guess I really don't have much advice other than if it works for you guys then be happy and try not to let him "spoil" things for you.

I was making more money than my husband when we decided we wanted one of us to be home with our kids. I had better insurance too. BUT my husaband told me he could never do all that it took to be at home and that he knew my job at home would be much harder than his at the office.

Kudos to you for making it work for your family!!

Maybe if you were to volunteer at your kids' schools during the day? Or perhaps become a substitute teacher? That way you could 'earn' a living as many or as few days as you wanted or would fit with your schedule?

I know several SAHDs. I've never met the wifes. They come to all of the school functions, etc. We had some Grandparents that were volunteers of the month just so they could be out of the house and yet still see their grandkids.

Ultimately its a decision that you and your wife need to be happy with. I think the only way that you'll win any favor or quiet the argument is to get some type of part-time on your-time or out of the home sales job.

M.

Sir, my heart goes out to you. Your father in law is so far out of line that he can't even SEE the line. My inlaws have always been very vocal and they were always trying to control our lives until we finally said, "Sorry, it's none of your business."
You are fully within your right to tell him not to bring the subject up again. He is being rude and controlling to both you and your wife and you shouldn't have to listen to his opinions any longer.

You and your wife sound like you are a wonderful team. Face him together and tell him that you would like him to be involved in your lives, but he is no longer welcome to voice his opinion on how you live your lives.

And BRAVO to you for being a stay at home dad. Don't let the "sit at home all day" comment get to you. Stay at home moms are the target of that comment ALL the time, so a bajillion moms know how hard you are working for your family.

You are taking care of your wife's children. Why can't she help take care of your children in the form of child support? You sound like intelligent people. If it works for you, live and let live.

That being said, my father would not have liked it either. She will always be his little girl......

Her dad is an idiot (but you shouldn't tell him that). Your wife seems to be telling your FIL what he needs to be told. Since it's her father, she should be the one doing this communication. Just remain polite to the FIL.

In a perfect world, you would be making the money for your kids child support. But this would require child care for the other kiddos and possibly your wife taking on some of your current duties. It doesn't sound like this would benefit anyone, especially your wife.

Uugghh! I'm sorry some people are so stuck in other generations ideas that they ruin the choices that others have made. My father voiced his opinion to me this summer that he has no respect for my husband because " he doesn't have the mettle or ambition to make anything of himself. From my Dad this means that he doesn't approve because my husband doesn't make enough money that I can be a stay at home Mom. I am the only one of my siblings with a college education, yet I make the least of the three of us (if you count each couple). My brother works for Microsoft. His wife worked for the EPA before they had kids. My BIL does computer security for an on line company and now that my sisters kids are both in school she works for an online skateboard company handling their customer service and sales. I am a school teacher and my husband was a newspaper printer until he was laid off last month. He is the only person in his whole family to graduate from high school, but my father doesn't judge him against his upbringing or young life. He judges him by some standard he has in his mind of how it should be. This from the man who cheated on my mother, said that they didn't have money for her to go back to school and when she signed up anyway, hit her. He is an alcoholic and a chauvinist, and will never admit either. He actually said that he would trust my brother in law with his life!!! I don't trust that creap around my daughters!!! It really drove home how different my father and I are although I have spent 42 years seeking his approval. That was the end. I still love him, but I no longer care what he thinks of my life or my choice of mate. I don't know why I spent so much energy and emotion on him all these years, but I'm done.
If you and your wife are happy, just try to be supportive. She will eventually get to the same place and she will no longer care what he thinks.
I won't be disrespectful, and I will always love him, but it is so freeing to know that what he thinks no longer matters because we have such different opinions of how things should be. I hope your wife doesn't have to take as long as I did to see the reality that you can NEVER please some people and if your ideals are so different you will NEVER gain their approval.
Let me sign this,
Finally Realized that I will NEVER be his Little Girl.

I didn't think it was a ramble but very thoughtfully written. I'm in agreement with your FIL's position. Your child support should be your responsibility and not your wife's. If it is possible and I were in your shoes I would come up with some way to gain income to cover that expense. My take on this is that if heaven forbit something were to happen to your wife, then you would have to figure out how to deal with that expense quick fast and in a hurry.

I think your FIL definitely overstepped his boundaries in making disparaging comments to his daughter in your home. He should have been man enough to speak directly to you. However your wife is his baby girl and you shouldn't really fault him for his opinion. He is entitled to his opinion.

Finally if this arrangement is truly working for the two of you, it's no one else's business. Do what you feel is right for your marriage and household but to take some of the pressure off your wife figure out a way to handle some of that costs on your own for her benefit in her relationship with her father.

That really sucks. A lot of people can't get over the stereotype that the man works and the woman stays home and it is especially the case in older generations. You are working very hard taking care of the kids, house, errands, food, etc. It is extremely valuable to have one parent be home with the kids and most of us know this. Your father in law probably will never change and if I were you I would just ignore him and let it roll of my back. I'd keep the peace with him all the while knowing he is behind the times. I know this is hard bc it would be so nice if he would appreciate you and all you are doing for your family. That would be the right thing to do. This makes me think of my grandfather who is 86 and is very very set in his ways about certain things. I just do not talk about certain topics with him bc he would completely disapprove of what I think. I know he will never change so I just don't talk about it. Your wife is just going to have to come to terms with her father not coming around and if he brings up this subject she should be ready to tell him she will no longer speak to him about this and change the subject.

My opinion is: "he doesn't get to vote." He's not in your relationship.

My mom was the opposite; I stayed @ home with my then-disabled child and husband worked full-time. She thought HE should be doing more to help me?! I wish I had never let her engage me on the subject. He would take his turns @ night, when we had to listen for her IV alarm. She's like, "that's his duty." ARGH

It wouldn't hurt, as BabyDoos Mama says, to try to explain it (once). I don't see where ppl get off thinking they are in your marriage. [obviously I'm still peeved]

My father would feel exactly the same way... I don't think being nice to your face makes him fake. What good would it do to make all get togethers hostile? Since the kids aren't that young and are therefore in school all day, he probably does wonder what you do. And he may wonder what you'll do once the kids are even older. I know my father would feel I was being taken advantage of. I can relate to your situation bc it would make a lot of sense for my husband to stay home. He makes much less than I do, works harder to make it, and has way less stability. But he won't stay home bc his ego etc won't let him. If he did, I think my father would be livid. And my husband doesn't have children for me to pay support for. I think you should sit down with her father. The fact that she speaks to him about it versus you may make him consider you less of a man. I would outline what you do, how your day is, what it would cost to have a 3rd party do it, what stresses that would add to your wife's day, and what your longer-term plan is. My friend worked while her husband stayed home with the kids and I know her parents hated it. Now he'd like to work again as their kids are 5 and 7 so he doesnt have as much to do and he can't find a job. (Both also with advanced degrees etc) So there's now big pressure on her to continue in a career she doesn't want. So her parents are even madder and to be honest she's not thrilled. If you can outline to him how you will get back in the workforce when the kids are older, it may make her father feel better.

I think it's time for you & your wife to come up with a plan of action. You will probably never change his mind. However, you can silence his vocalizations.

Next time you get together (and you might want to strongly encourage your wife to role-play this with you, so that she can get comfortable and be strong in saying it), have her say something like, "Dad, I realize you have a different opinion about the marriage dynamics between Husband and I. However, your opinion on this is not asked for or wanted. If you continue to bring this topic up or to insult and disrespect my husband, you are continuing to insult me and my happiness and my life. I love you but I will not stand for that. So this is just fair warning that if you do it again in our home, you will need to leave, and if you do it elsewhere, we will end our visit with you." Then, smile and change the subject. If he gets ugly about it, don't engage--just gather up the kids and leave.

Or, if you think that she won't do that, get her okay for you to say it (you might need to change the wording). He might respect you more for "sticking up" for your family by confronting him (or something weirdly macho like that).

Having a plan of action and role-playing through it might really help.

Sounds like she needs to simply tell him that this is her choice and a decision that you both made. If and when she feels taken advantage of she will surely tell you and in the mean time, he needs to respect her decision regardless of if he agrees with it. She should tell him that it is not open for further discussion and he needs to show you the respect you deserve as her husband or say nothing at all.

I guess my thoughts are does he feel this way about every person who stays at home taking care of the household or just you because you are male? That would tell him a lot. If he thinks sahm's are lazy and so forth then you can tell exactly where he is coming from. On the other hand I kind of understand about the child support thing. I felt very odd when my ex was out of work and his wife paid my support every week for several months. It wasn't her bill and he should have paid it himself. It just felt odd taking child support from her. But it is your family decision.

Perhaps you can do something from home. I have a friend whose wife is the bread winner and he is a sahd. He re-furbishes computers, upgrades them and then sells them through a resale shop here in town. They sell at an inexpensive price so he is really providing a great service to those of us who can't afford new ones.

He does not take orders or work on demand. If he finds a laptop or tower with older parts he fiddles with it on his own time and takes it to the shop when it's finished. He makes pocket money and I think he uses it for some of his hobbies, he flies those smaller airplanes at a local miniature airfield. Maybe called model airplanes but bigger and they use remotes.

It's mostly something to keep him busy since the older kids are in school all day and he only has a 3 yr. old at home.

I agree with one poster that said "it is probably a generational hangup".
Dad can probably not be able to relate to a man at home to raise the
kids instead of the mother. Lots have changed, and most for the better.
Dad would like to think that he did it the right way. Wife might say that
"Dad, you and Mom did a wonderful job and I loved my childhood. You
did it right. But we are doing it right also, for the welfare of my family.
You can put all your trust in me, Dad. I know when I/we are happy. And
I know when my kids are nutured or lacking.
If you ever hear me compalin, I could understand your concern for our
family dynamics. "
Keep your chin up. Confidence in your decisions go a long way in convincing others.
Good luck.