In Law Keep Secrets

OK. I'm a little older ... 45 to be exact, so I have a little different opinion about this. When I was a new mom, I felt exactly the same way as you do now. My in-laws lived nearby and they babysat a lot. They did lots of things that irritated me. I didn't like the way my MIL held my sons, for instance. She never held them close to her body, but kind of laid them in her lap and put her hands behind their heads. She gave them foods I didn't give them, they let them watch more t.v. than I did, put them down for naps at different times and in different ways than I did. And my father-in-law gave them bubble gum all the time, even when they were 2 years old!
So here's my take on it now that my sons are nearly 19 and 17 years old. When I was a new mom, my parents' generation had their own ideas about raising kids. They gave us cereal when we were 2 months old, held us in their laps when they drove us places, and never heard of a bike helmet. Times changed, we learned more about safety and nutrition, and we did things differently. Well, the same pattern continues. When I was raising my kids, we had no problems with giving babies juice at 10 months. I'm not saying it's a good thing to give babies juice. But, perhaps your mother-in-law just remembers how she did things and knows that her kids turned out fine.
I'd also say, don't freak about so much about things that your in-laws do that are different. Certainly do stand up for really big important things, like car seats and smoking. But when it comes to the things they feed your baby, just be patient and explain what you've learned. And know that she will probably say something like, "Well, we never did it that way." And also know, that if they do some things different from you, don't fret about it so much. They may not know your child the way you do, know all of your baby's likes and dislikes, but they love their grandchild very much. If you can relax a little, you can give your child a very special gift by fostering a wonderful relationship with her grandparents.
You know how I said my father-in-law gave my boys bubble gum all the time? Well, I was not at all pleased about that when they were 2 (and I still would not be pleased about bubble gum for a toddler). He died just this past November. My boys loved their pop-pop and they had the great blessing of being with him in the hospital at the very moment that he died. At his funeral, the boys placed some bubble gum in Pop-pop's casket before it was closed. That's when I realized that all those times that I fretted over their dental health just didn't compare to the relationship with their grandfather. To them, Pop-pop always having gum in his pocket for them, even when they were teenagers, was a special touchpoint in their relationship with him.
So try to be patient over the little things. Save the battles for things that really come down to safety and life-threatening health issues. And give your daughter the gift of her grandparents.

I have experienced this exact same thing several times with many different family members with both my 4 year old daughter and my 2 year old son when they were younger.

In my case some older people seem to think that because I am a young single mom (relax I'm not in my mid-teens, I'm about to be 23) that I'm immature and don't know what I'm doing when it comes to parenting. The other reason I think they do this (I have to say think because I ALWAYS ask before I give anyone else's child anything but I guess I'm more considerate than most) is because they want to be the 'first' to do or give them something. Just like you want to be the one to hear their first word or see them take the first steps, they want to be the first one to defy the mommy's wishes and give them their first cookie, bowl of cereal, in your case juice, etc.

My family would do these things intentionally, scheming behind my back and in spite of me after they would ask me if I'm already giving them these things and I told them I wasn't and that their bodies were unable to properly digest these foods yet. My sister would then sneak and give my kids cookies, my mom would sneak and give them cereal and mashed potatoes, my dad would sneak and give them chicken bones. They all would just look at me and laugh after I caught them. Things weren't as funny to them when my kids would always choke on or vomit the sneaky treats on them afterwards.

When my daughter was a couple weeks old, her father thought it was funny and cute to give my daughter Kool-Aid, justifying his actions by saying she kept looking at the glass like she wanted some(off course he got cursed out and I was afraid to leave her alone with him--so if she looks at her poop like she wants some will you feed her that too? idiot). She vomitted and had problems drinking liquids of any form, constantly choking on anything she drank up until the age 2. When she was about 2 1/2 months he snuck and fed her eggs and steak while I was in the bathroom, justifying his actions by saying she was big for her age and that his neices and nephews were eating table foods (okay they were 3 years old and up! idiot). She vomitted and is to this day allergic to eggs.

Why they do these things could be attributed to many reasons, but it seems in both your case and mine that it is done out of selfishness on the adults part not considering the child's ultimate well-being. Some would argue that they just wanted to see the child smile or make them happy, try this: tell them you love them! Every choice that is made is not going to make the child happy but they're the adult and trust was given to them with someone else's child, they should be an adult and be responsible!

***I hope no one is offended and I apologize if this sounds harsh but this question took me to the experiences I've gone through with my daughter.***

I skimmed the responses and I'd say read them all and take in to consideration what each says. Remember, you are the parent, but they were also parents at one time. Personally, my first response to them would be "Since I am her parent, I do need to know what goes on in case something like an allergic reaction happens after we leave", or have your husband explain to them that you two are teaching her certain things and wold appreciate if they would follow those rules when with her. Something like that coming from you could make them feel like you are trying to trump them, but coming from your husband may seem more understanding since it is his family. remember, you and your husband turned out fine, but times have also changed from when you were growing up (juice has more additives these days and that is why there is baby juice on sale now, but not then...same with baby cereal...there are so many pesticides and processing issues and the cereal content is different than 30 years ago).
I hope this helps you. Good luck!

I say talk to them straight up and let them know how you feel. Be nice and respectful, but let them that you are serious. YOU are her mother, not them. Remind your mother-in-law that she probably would not have liked it if someone did this to her when she was raising her children. Also, when I have relatives watch my children, I pack and bring everything that they are allowed to have. This has worked out really well for me and my own Mom even calls me from the grocery stored asking me what brands/types of things I give my kids so she can have it at her house. Very cute! It's all about respect. In the end, I agree with the woman who said you need to protect your child, no matter who it is that you are dealing with. Also, every once in a while my mother will give my daughter an extra treat of some sort and I don't mind because Grandmother's do that sometimes, but she always tells me about it and it is never anything that is harmful or not already in my daughter's diet. Lastly, it's never good when someone wants to be sneaky and secretive regarding your children. Nip it in the bud now before it gets out of control, especially as your baby gets older.

dont hint...you are correct that its unacceptable. you need to confront them.

Hi A.,

While I know juice at 10 mos. is something I wouldn't do, it's not harmful. I believe respect is the biggest issue here, both from your in-laws and your HUSBAND. God trusted your husband and you with this baby, not your husband and his parents. Therefore, you and your husband need to agree how to feed, clothe and raise your daughter and everyone else in her life needs to abide by those decisions. Your husband also needs to respect you as your child's mother and agree that when it comes to your baby, he needs to side with you and not his parents.

That said, maybe your in-laws (and possibly hubby) aren't up to date on what is considered appropriate for a baby right now. You might give them copies of your favorite baby advice books (What to Expect The First Year is an excellent guide). Research the American Academy of Pediatrics website for infant nutrition and print copies for them to see that you're not making this stuff up. Sign up at Parents.com and receive weekly e-mails regarding age-appropriate info for your baby. Ask them to do the same.

Approach this as an opportunity to educate them and enhance your relationship as you all work toward giving your daughter a happy, healthy life that involves a lot of interaction with extended family. I also like the idea of ensuring everything you want your daughter to eat during each particular visit is prepared BY YOU and left with them.

On the issue of them sneaking behind your back, discuss it with them but don't use that term. : ) Tell them (and hubby) you'd like them to do things with your daughter as if you were standing right there. If they wouldn't do it in your presence, ask them to please respect you enough to refrain from doing it in your absence. If they want a baby to give to juice to, etc., they can research adoptions. haha, just kidding on that last bit! But seriously, if they do something in your absence they wouldn't do in your presence, they are aware it would upset you and their conscience is clearly telling them they really shouldn't do it. And tell them it's OK if they think you're too protective of her. But gently remind them this is your 1st baby and, while you appreciate other people's advice, you're ultimately doing what you feel is the right thing for your daughter and to please go with it.

And promise them that when she gets older, you'll allow them to give her ice cream for dinner on ocassion, then let her stay up past her bedtime as they let her make mudpies in the rain. That'll give 'em something to look forward to!! :)

D.

A.,

I, too, would be upset if my wishes regarding caring for my child weren't being met. It is hard not to be controlling, but it may be good to losen the reins a little. Your in-laws may simply be doing things they did with their own children that were acceptable 20 or 30 years ago. Unless it is outright harmful or truly goes against your beliefs maybe you can find compromises. You mentioned the juice incident. Maybe you can let them give her juice as long as it is diluted and limit it to 8 oz a day or something like that. Other things may not be negotiable.

I would let them know that it is not okay to hide things from you. If they want to give her something or do something with her that they think you would be mad about, that should be their cue to discuss it with you and work out a compromise, if possible.

Perhaps you could keep a journal that they can read. It can list things like what your child likes to eat and do. You can also include advice that your pediatrician wants you to follow - 2 hours of tummy time each day, no more than 30 ounces of formula a day, etc - as well as lists of things that are harmful for her - no strawberries, cow's milk or peanut products. If they see there is sound medical advice backing you up, maybe they will adhere to your wishes. If you have something that is non-negotiable, include that, too.

Hope this helps.

Hello A.,
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, i went through it as well with y in laws, and i learned to tell them a head of time what she could have and what she couldn't have, and if i found out that they did give her something like juice, i would let them know that "now my daugther is going to be sick because she does not have this at home", I would also say " If your not sure about what she can have or what she likes please give me a call i will have no problems letting you know." That was the only way that i got the message through to them, and they started calling me , now with my son i let them know a head of time, and the stick to it i dont worry any more. And with them going out and doing things with her, just when you pick up your daughter start asking her in front of them, maybe they will answer for her, that's what i had started doing and my mother in law and father in law would answer for her so that was how i got to find out what they would do for the day or what not. Also if that doesn;t work, i would just be up front and ask so what did you guys do with my daughter today? You must remember that you are the mom and if no one protects your child who will, you have too, even if it's from grandparents. I know that it stinks, but you don't want your daughter to have an allergic reaction to something that they think she is ready for and you know better. You need to be a lioness for your cub and protect her with every bone in your body. Sorry if i got a little outta of it, but that is what my mother taught me, and i have no problem letting her know when she is doing something that i don't think that she should be doing , and now i have now problems with my in laws either, I hope that this helps.
S.

My mom does stuff like that every once in a while. What I try really hard to keep in mind - Grandparents are SUPPOSED to spoil them. It's their job! :)

My mom raised me, and I think that I turned out ok, and I know that she wouldn't do anything to hurt her little granddaughter. Her parenting style might not be the same as yours, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Just make sure your MIL knows about any allergies or anything but other than that, a little bit of spoiling doesn't hurt! You can even bring over some 'Grandma's House' snacks and juice so you know that even though she is having stuff you don't normally give, at least you know what it is!!

If it seems like your MIL is hiding things from you, it might be how you are asking. Since you are mad about it, it might be coming across as an accusation instead of a question, so they feel like they need to defend themselves! But I have found that sometimes, it is better not to ask! ;)

I'm 41 years old, but my kids aren't grown. One thing that anyone who doesn't live in a cave knows is that there are constantly new things to learn about raising children. So, if you're going to become the caregiver of a baby, it's your job to learn that new information. I don't care if you used talcum powder, swaddled your baby and slept her on her stomach and she did fine. The pediatrician says no now. More importantly, we say no, now.

A lot of grandparents are very inflexible when it comes to this sort of dynamic. So they decide they're going to do it their way and let you find out after the fact. Or they decide that what you've learned constitutes an attack on them and they take it personally. Then it turns into a control battle over child-rearing -- a battle that a grandparent has no business waging, since the grandparent got a chance to raise their children already. Now it's your turn to raise yours.

It's too bad that your son won't take your part. So you have in-laws that do whatever they want and then tell you after, and a husband who won't support you.

I can offer sympathy, and the feedback that you have a right to be upset at both in-laws and your husband. What is to be done about it?

I'd recommend family counseling for you and your husband, so he can learn how to draw stronger lines between himself and his parents, and so that you can learn how to state your needs without being afraid, and to draw boundaries yourself.

Meanwhile, she's your child. Don't leave her with them if you're too nervous. This is a trust issue.

I can understand where you are coming from. I had to have a little talk with my MIL about this. I explained to her why my son couldn't have the things that her children could have, for example new research findings on allergies, etc. I pretty much told her if she couldn't be trusted with my son then I wasn't going to allow her to babysit anymore. She was good for awhile and slowly she went back to her old ways. She wasn't as bad though. I think they need reminding every once in awhile that you are the parent and you decide what's best for your child. But you need your husband's backing on this. He is your husband and he needs to set his mom straight. The best way to do it without hard feelings is to have your husband do the talking and show a united front. If either of you waiver, forget it. Also, it may help to ask them how they would feel if someone had done that with them when they had your husband. Alot of mothers have this feeling and if they had experienced it in the past they may remember and feel bad. Explain to them that they are the grandparents which comes with some priveleges (spoiling, etc.) but you are the parents and you decide what's best for your child. Remember the big picture, if they are hiding things now, they will do it later when your child is old enough to know about it. At that point it becomes lying and it is teaching your child that as long as mom doesn't know it's ok. This is not what you want your child thinking at 14 when peer pressure is rampant and drugs, alcohol and sex are around every corner. Explain that to your in-laws.

Hi A.
I'm sorry that your inlaws are like that. They sound like what my parents would be like if we lived anywhere near them, thank goodness we don't. They get on my nerves after a couple of days, so I know how you feel. As awkward as it may be you really have to be up front with them. After all, you are her mother. It's also important for you to have a serious discussion with your husband about his attitude towards the situation since you say that rather than take your side he defends them. That would drive me more crazy than the inlaws since he's supposed to be on your side! Best of luck with everything!

I have the same issue and i wanted to be the nice daugther inlaw well when my son was 2 months old i left him there for 30 mins and they gave him HONEY well i didnt find out till he was almost 4 months old!!!Well i went to my ped and asked for a lot of paper work on what could have happened to him and gave it to my husband then i Told him and them that they would see MY son when I knew that I could TRUST them we didnt go over for 3 weeks! And Morgan is now 7 months old and he has not been left there agian. and we havent been back in the last 2 weeks b/c my Fil tryed to give him a snicker bar last timer we were there, if your husband wount help then you have to put your foot down.

When I sent my kids to the in laws I made a list of foods that they like and their allergies.You can do that and sit down and talk to them about your concerns about your daughter. You said that she is 10 months old? It is okay to give her juice that is diluted with water to see what her stomach can tolerate. Apple juice works good if they get constipated.I wish you the best of luck.

L. R

A.,

I completely understand how you feel. My daughter is almost a year old and I still have not let my in-laws babysit. I feel very uncomfortable leaving her there. My sister in law I don't feel can mentally handle it (she has some issues and sees a therapist and takes meds). My mother in law just doesn't have common sense. She is in her 70's and doesn't realize how different things are than when my husband and I were kids. It really is just a trust issue and my instinct as a mom is to not let them babysit. I can't explain it but I'm concerned about her mental and physical safety if I allow them to babysit. I too am concerned that they will not respect my wishes as her mother. If they can't respect my decisions and are going to step on my toes then they are not to be trusted. Luckily my husband supports it...he will be the first one to tell you that his family re-defines dysfunctional.
Good luck.

Jen

Well, either you start talking to them and work with them or you will give yourself an ulcer over the stress you are giving to your body. When you look at this from another prospective its really not a big deal about the juice, thats the senerio you gave. I think you should talk to them and tell them what you want to do ie, the juice that you want her to have.

I would be upfront with them. YOU are the parent! I've had to my foot down quite a few times when in came to family members. My own grandmother kept giving my daughter cake.
They probably feel the need to "spoil" her because they do not see her often. You need to explain to them why you don't give juice. Ten months is not exactly too early if it's baby juice. I give my daughter Fruit Splashers. Next time you leave your daughter with them also leave a list of rules. And they should tell you ANYTIME they do ANYTHING with your daughter cause you never know when something will happen. Anyways, I hope this was of some help. Take care!

that would be really annoying....they probably just want to be the typical "grandparent", that spoils the grandchild (or the grand-dog).....i don't really know what to tell you since it seems like your husband is on their side....just try not to let it bother...unless it gets too out of hand

Hi A.! I can relate to your situation. My in-laws babysit a lot for us and do the same thing. Only they will tell my husband and not me that they did it (last week they let him play in the snow with a raging cold). I try to remember that my husband and brother in law ended up (relatively) normal. Also, what I will do (because my husband will tell me) is make side comments about things. Like the whole juice thing, if my MIL did that, a week or so later I would make a comment about how I read that giving juice to a child that young can do .... (insert reason here). That way I address the issue and explain why its not a good idea. Once she realizes that there is a reason why we don't do it, she will usually stop. Of course, sometimes she just thinks I'm nuts and keeps doing it, but it least it gives me piece of mind that I tried.

Although I believe it is not acceptable for anyone to do things without your permission, I think it is perfectly acceptable to give a 10 month old juice. Check with your pediatrician and they will advise you that 4 ounces of juice should be added to her diet 50/50 is typical. Also, be grateful that your in-laws are willing to assist you. Set guidlines but don't be too strict I am sure that they love your child and have her best interest in mind.