In-laws

Have you read Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth"? I find it very helpful for myself and my relationships with others. I wish you the best of luck

Hi,

No matter what anyone says or does, we must accept them. We don't have to approve of how they treated us, or of the things they do. Everyone has faults.
God gave His miracle child to the world, so that the world could be forgiven. He gave you a miracle child, now you must forgive. Move on, do not hold on to pride. Your in-laws are doing the right thing by acting if nothing happened. That is what God does for us.

Hope this helps.
Blessings,

C.
http://www.sechristian.org/Resources/SermonsOnlineAudioVi... No Perfect People

I have stood in your shoes. My husband and I have been together 15 years - married for 8. I have decided not to make it my problem. I just don't bother to worry about them, think about them or also to complain about them. Life's too short to spend time with people who don't care about you. If they want to treat the mother of their grandchildren that way, then that's their choice but not my problem. I have my own wonderful family and friends, so I don't need them. I couldn't do it without my husband's support, though. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. Good luck!

I'm sorry you have had these problems... even though I have had some in-law issues, I'm sure yours are worse than mine. It is hard to look beyond others' rudeness, inconsiderate behavior, and just plain selfishness. Even if you have a forgiving disposition, it's hard to forget unpleasant, repetitive behavior. I notice when we get together for family gatherings in which my MIL is not present, it's often a sort of gripe/laugh fest about all the crazy things my MIL has said and done over the years (guess I should feel more sorry for my hubby and his family than I do for myself). But I admit, it still really bugs me that she expects us to jump when she wants us to jump, but will not return my calls for anything. It bugs me that she doesn't do anything for my husband for his birthday and conveniently forgets our daughter's birthday (which wouldn't be the end of the world if she wasn't so into birthdays and gifts as a symbol of love... so it's like she is really sending a message...). As I look back, I have to suck it up... she is not the kind of person you can tell the truth to... you can't say, "That really hurt my feelings when I was dating Eric, and you ignored me even when I said hello."... and so on and so on... but everyone in the family seems to believe she would not do well with any of that and that she has mental issues. So I have to try to feel love, and pity, instead of resentment. These kinds of cases, I think, are best handled by trying to follow the Savior's teachings to love our enemies. If we can remember that ultimately people who treat others badly are very sad inside and missing out on a whole world of wonderful relationships in their life, we can really feel sad for them instead of angry. Good luck to you! Your daughter will be blessed if you can show a good disposition toward them, you could even explain as she gets older that you choose to be nice even though sometimes others choose to be mean. : )

I know you don't want to hear this..but let it go. Work on what is NOW. Ask yourself: what will it take for you to let go of the past? How long do think it will take for you to let it go?

My sister's in-laws are horrible and mean. She has been where you are and she has let it go. Now, she arranges to "have plans" and leaves when they visit. She used to make these great meals as she loves to entertain...now she orders pizza. they have gotten the hit and don't stay long anymore anyway. It is very hard for her and she always calls my mom or me when they get there from her cell or up in her room...just to get by. But she doesn't give them of herself anymore. The hardest is her 10 year old doesn't understand why they ignore him too and take his cousin out on vacations, etc. It is what it is.

I have a mean FIL too. I have discussed this a lot with my husband and also arranged for him to be the one in the for front at all times when dealing with him. It is sad that we can no longer have a relationship like we did ten years ago. But alas, he is NOT my father. And he has no right to treat me rudely. So, though we vaction together still, there is little interaction...I just let him do his thing and stay out of his way. I am busy with the kids anyway.

Lastly, my mother has history of horrible behavior from her in-laws..and guess who they look to for help now that they are in assisted living, etc. Yep, her. Often, I think people hurt those they should respect most. Maybe it is out of fear and insecurity.

So, try hard to look inside and follow those instincts, talk with your husband and make sure he understands the readth of your feelings, and come up with a plan of how you will handle yourself in their presence (like plan to leave or a cue word if you are feeling uncomfortable for your husband to help change the topic or situation.)

Forgiveness is hard. So maybe instead of forgiveness, forget. And move on.

My in-laws loved me until they found out I was actually marrying their son - then it got ugly. His mother would act like I wasn't even in the room, his dad asked if he needed to bring a shotgun to the wedding, his ENTIRE FAMILY wore black to our wedding (and no, we didn't live somewhere where that would have been the norm), oh, and let's not forget his mom snubbing my grandmother and walking away with her nose in the air when grandma tried to introduce herself. And here I was, too young to drink (I was 20)...lord knows I could have used one by the time THAT night was through. My hubby and I wished we would have just eloped!! His mom went so far as to bet others in the family when we were going to get divorced. She lost - we have now been married for 13 years - HA! She continued to say nasty things about me to the family and church and friends and basically anyone that would listen; that went on for probably the first 9 years I was married to her son. We ended up missing family events because my husband and I didn't feel comfortable or welcome and didn't want to put others in the middle of whatever this thing was with her. (guess it helped us that he is military so we lived out of state...) The only explanation I could ever come up with in the beginning was that he was the first child to get married and she thought we were both young and stupid. (I never could come up with anything to explain the next 9 years, but whatever...moving on...) I don't know why she all of a sudden decided she liked me again, maybe it was the fact that we were still married, could have been that I got pregnant, that I was the most likeable out of her kid's spouses, or that she just figured out she was making a fool of herself and not getting anywhere since we were still married, but one day she just started being nice to me again. Not fake nice, either, but actually being the kind person that I thought she was before she found out I was marrying her son. Did I ever get an apology for the way she acted for all those years or all the nasty things she said that got back to me? No. And I won't. But, for my daughter's sake, I am being the bigger person here. Why bring it up? It will just cause more hurt feelings and resentment, and I, for one, am kind of glad to be past all that garbage. We actually get along quite well now; I don't have a problem holding a conversation with her if I happen to be the one that answers the phone when she calls - believe me, it was NOT always like that! Usually I would let the machine get it if my hubby wasn't home just to avoid the uncomfortable conversation. Now, I'm not saying that I always felt this way - I held on pretty tightly to my grudge against her and my hurt feelings for a long time. Maybe I've just grown up a lot since I had my daughter, but I look at things differently now. Grudges are a waste of your time and energy. Family should be enjoyed, because you never know how much longer you will get with any of them. And regret is a horrible thing to live with. I'm not saying you have to try to be their best friend, but be civil, at least for your childs' sake. Who knows? It might end up being a better relationship than you think. Lord knows I was surprised with how things turned out for me! Best of luck to you. :)
cj

Same thing happened to me for many years and I didn't think I could forgive my mother-in-law for making me feel unwelcome in the family and many hurtful things she said. I stopped interacting with her unless it was absolutely necessary. Then out of the blue, she started being nice to me and acting as if nothing had ever happened. I was suspicious and waited for an apology that never came. What I realized finally is that in acting like nothing ever happened and being nice to me all of a sudden WAS her apology. She could not figure out how to say it to me, but what she wanted was a "Do Over". She wanted to change our relationship and start over and could not bring herself to say it to me in words. I joined her and starting acting as if nothing had ever happened between us also. It worked, I now have a great relationship with her, call her all the time etc. We never speak of the past-it does not exist. Give your mother-in-law a chance to start over with you, she may not be able to say sorry in words either, but just maybe she is trying to say it with her actions instead. Be nice back to her and see what happens!

Tell someone not involved with the situation your feelings, the how & the why. Work it out with someone else, not your husband.
If you search your behavior and find their attitude was truly unprovoked, be rigorously honest in this, then choose an appropriate time and in an adult manner tell them how hurtful their comments were. Keep no expectation of the results.
If there was something in your behavior that was less than honorable, less than rigorously honest, an apology from you to them would open up communication.

It's not any fun to live with tension in the family, immediate or otherwise, causes stress on momma and therefore on kiddos!

Hi NL,
I wonder how long you've been married? I had the same problem and still do to a point, when I was first married. My MIL not only said hurtful things but did hurtful things too. She never referred to me as her son's wife or even my kids' mother. My kids were always introduced as "HER grandkids" and I got left out of the picture all together. The worst came when 3 yrs ago we were moving and she called and told me that if I needed help packing that she was free to come help and to call her and let her know. I thanked her for her offer and told her I'd call her if I needed the help. Well I didn't call cause I didn't need the help and the next evening when my husband got home from work she called his cell phone and chewed him out about me and told him what a B---H I was for not accepting her help! My DH tried to get her to stop and he ended up having to just hang up on her but that was the last straw for me. For over a year I stopped all communication but my children started to miss their grandparents so I decided to be the better person and move on. Harboring grudges and unforgivness doesn't hurt anyone but yourself and there is medical proof that people holding grudges are not as healthy as those who have learned to forgive.

So now after 9yrs of marriage the unwanted advice and rude behavior still comes but I've just learned to take it with a grain of salt and to stick up for myself. Knowing she won't introduce me I speak first and introduce myself and the kids, and when she calls to complain about me to my DH he has learned to stick up better for me and so even that has started to stop. When it comes to talking, phone calls and such I leave it for my DH to do. I don't talk to her either if I can help it but I feel alot better about myself and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I chose to let go of that stuff. I'm not the only one she treats this way, its just the kind of person she is. Hopefully things will get better in time for you too but even if it doesn't you married her son not her but don't let her behavior and words bring you down. You're only hurting yourself not her. Be the bigger person.

C.

I too have been dealing with a similar situation with my MIL and SIL for 8 years. They even tried to stop my wedding and never apologized just continued to leave me out of conversations and ignore my exsistance. We have gotten better and the only reason is because my MIL actually asked my for "her" wedding gift she had given to me back so she could give it to her new DIL, this was 6 years after my own wedding. I didn't argue or cry or anything in front of her, I just sweetly gave it back and commented on how much she must like the new DIL and how she should do what she needed to do with the new DIL. She realized right then and there how hurtful she was to me and apologized later for her behavior. I also did some soul searching and decided to apologize to my SIL for any action that I did to make her upset at me. This was difficult, but being "right" is just not worth the argument for any family, it will destroy it. I am sorry you and so many of us have had similar situations and beleive me I know forgiveness is REALLY hard, but if you don't start to forgive them they will never forgive you for whatever they think you did.

Hi NL,
I have found writing a letter helps, explain your feelings, what was said and why it hurt you and that you want to forgive but am having a hard time of it. Sometimes after I write something I don't even send it, it is theraputic just to write it down, sometimes I send it.

Good luck,
SarahMM

Sorry if I am responding late.
Since I know you are LDS, I will offer something from that perspective.
There is a book called The Peacegiver, by James Ferrell. You can get it at walmart for cheaper than at Seagull or Deseret Book. It is by far the best book on forgiveness that I have ever read. And it puts why we forgive in a whole different light than what we are use to.
I would advise you to read it when you have time and not a lot of distractions. It's very powerful and I made the mistake of reading it at work. I was bawling like a baby. And keep your scriptures close by while you read it. You will definately want them.
Forgiveness is possible. I was once told by a Stake President, Forgive, don't forget. Forgetting allows the same thing to happen again. Remembering, with forgiveness, puts it in perspective and keeps you aware not only to how you allow yourself to be treated, but how you treat others. Remembering, doesn't mean holding it over their head either. Letting it go is different from forgetting. It didn't make a lot of sense at the time, but as I can had to forgive thru out my life, I have come to treasure that advice. You can email me directly if you have any questions as to my meaning.
Good Luck, read that book. You won't regret it.

A.

You said your in-laws have said really hurtful things in the past, but have not apologized, but you didn't say what the hurtful things were. Without knowing the specifics, I can only give you this...sometimes in-laws say things thinking they are being helpful and not knowing that they have said something that hurts. It may just have something to do with perception. What you find hurtful and offensive others may just see as being helpful. For instance, I breastfed both of my kids. My mother didn't do that with me or my brothers, and she made a point of bringing that up after my son was born and I was feeding him. She thought she was being helpful with her comment because bottle feeding is more convenient than whipping out your breast at any given time(usually in public)and she just wanted to throw that out there for me to think about as an option. This didn't much bother me, but it made my husband a little upset because he saw it as my mother not being proud of me for breastfeeding and doing my very best to take care of her grandson. See, it's all in perception. If your in-laws are generally kind people, and haven't done anything evil to you, your husband or anyone else, it may not be worth stressing over. If they really did something wrong, then your husband should stand up for you and let his parents know they have done something wrong and he won't allow it, and they need to apologize. I suppose what I am getting at is think really hard about if they said something to really genuinely hurt you, or if they don't know that what they said was hurtful, then make a decision about how you want to handle it.

Getting past hurtful words is a challenge. I am right there now with a fall out with my brother. There were apologies though and I am still so distant in our conversations. Forgiveness comes from a very deep place inside and you need to do it for YOU not for them. Once you let it go without any expectations of an apology you will feel so much better.
I don't know what was said to you, or why it was said, but I am a firm believer you have to be honest and upfront with people, ESPECIALLY FAMILY! You need to sit down with your inlaws and be direct. You have a long road ahead of them being in your lives and they need to understand the words said were hurtful to you. They may not care or be indifferent, but it is up to you to voice your upset. They cannot read minds and not speaking up or getting it on the table can build up resentment. You can be tactful, polite but you also need to talk to them one on one. Not with your husband around even as he will feel torn and put in the middle. People act like nothing happened to internally redeem themselves, however it never actually fixes the problem. They do need to be made aware of how you are feeling. Things swept under the rug have a bad way of creeping back into your life without control and sometimes in a bad way. Speak your mind!

I've written you a personal message because I talk too much and wrote a too-long response. It's also kinda personal. I feel your pain and would love to talk to you any time you need to vent!

Hiya

I kind of face the same situation. I'm not a confrontational person and my own thinking is that it's quite pointless kicking up a fuss as the in-laws are old and its unlikely they will change their behaviour. I know too that a lot of their comments are not so much personally directed at me but more to do with their own view of the world. To help me cope with not getting my blood boiling and wanting to scream, I've actually written out a list of their positive points. Everytime they do something that irritates me, I think of the positive list and remind myself that they are good people too (just different).
I've also openly told my husband what gets my goat with my in-laws. It helps that he says that their values/views are not his values/views. Everytime an episode with the in-laws occurs where I'm really miffed, I tell him about it (essentially to get it off my chest so that it does not fester). We both acknowledge the irritation and the fact that that's the way my in-laws are that it is something we don't have control of. We then count our belssings that we have each other and are able to cheer each other up.

Let it go. I know this is hard but do it for your husband. My in laws drive me nuts( luckily we live in another state so we don't see them too often). Sometimes people are just so clueless and have no idea they have offended you, or it really is not about you, either way you will have to deal with these people for a long time and if they are good to your kids then that is a good thing! Just think about all the nice things your husband does for you and how much you love him and that should make it a little easier! I so totally get this but you can't change them and the most powerful thing you can do is just let it go, they won't change!

I'm in the EXACT same situation myself. They say and do extremely hurtful things and then make you the bad guy and twist everything around to be your fault. I've been putting up with it for 7 1/2 years and it never ends. Hang in there and you'll get to a point where you just don't care anymore. If you need to vent, I'm available.

forgiving does not mean pretending that the nastiness never happened.

Be polite and keep your distance. If they are consistently nicer than previously, it's ok to warm up to them.

Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt feelings...it isn't saying how they have treated you is okay. Have you ever tried telling them how you feel? This isn't to change them, but simply to express yourself and then let go of the outcome...the motivation is simply to express yourself and nothing else. Plus, they may not be aware (even if you think they should be) that they have ever done anything hurtful to you. As long as you carry any hurt or anger, it doesn't hurt them...it only hurts you. It's like feeding yourself poison. I know from experience.

I have spent 18 years dealing with in-laws like you described, but in retrospect, I would fix it if I could now. It's too late for me though, one has passed away. I urge you to try your best to mend the fences--the guilt in your marriage and with what you are teaching your children isn't worth it. Not to mention how hard it is to carrying those feelings with you all of the time. Good Luck!

I hope that things are different now, as you stated this was things that were said in the past.... By holding onto the hurtful statements, who's it helping? Is it making them "pay" for what was said? It only hurts you and you can only control yourself - what you do with what was said or done. I'm not trying to say that it was okay for them to say hurtful things, and in a perfect world, I'd like to think they didn't mean to hurt you, or aren't aware they have - maybe they don't like confrontation like most of us. Rise above it, and don't let their mistakes, their comments pull you down. I tell my kids that as long as they know the truth of who they are in Christ, it doesn't matter what anyone else says to them, because the world can be mean. Hang in there, talk to your husband - be his wife, and the fabulous mom that you are to your daughter!!

Not that it makes it right, but some people don't really think about talking it out and apologizing. They just decide that they are going to be better. If they are being nice to you now, that is a step. I know I have had problems with my in laws in the past, but we have both been able to move on, and I really truly love them now and enjoy having them over. It just takes forgiving and forgetting. There was one time my mother in law wrote me a letter that basically said that I didn't care about my daughter and that I was selfish. This was 10 years ago in the first of my marriage. I wrote her a letter back and she realized that she had misjudged a situation. We were able to talk about problems that have come up since then. Sometimes judgements are made without really knowing what is going on. If this is really bothering you I would suggest talking about it, or if you can't talk about it, write letter expressing your appreciation for everything they do now, but that you are having a hard time letting go of hurt feelings. My guess is that they will realize that they need to apologize, especially since you said they have been nicer to you now. My kids love their grandparents and that is how it should be. Kids pick up on hostility. I am glad that my mother in law and I were able to talk about the problems, even though it's hard. Now we don't just tolerate each other, but genuinely love each other. She has told me recently that I am the best thing that ever happened to her son. It can get better, if both people want it to.

This is going to feel totally wrong to you. But I guarantee that if you do it, it will help! Honestly examine your behavior towards your in-laws. Look ONLY at your own behavior - not theirs. Don't even think about their hurtful comments or anything else. Look only for what you have done towards them that may be wrong and hurtful. Go them and apologize for it. When you are apologizing, don't bring up anything they may have done towards you. You will feel so much better about yourself you will actually be able to feel better about them and the hurtful things that they have said towards you will fade from your mind. And I will bet that by your apologizing to them, it will shock them into better behavior towards you. I know this will feel really, really wrong to you. Just give it a try as an experiment and see what happens - you may be shocked! :-)

I know this is basic, but have you actually told them what they said was hurtful. Most people forget that the perpetrator, in your case your in-laws, don't even know they did anything wrong. I am a straight shooter and it always works for me. I know it is hard to confront an issue like this, but what if it is just a lack of communication. Good luck!

They don't act like anything happened because they don't realize anything did. You need to let them know how you felt at the time and that it continues to bother you. If you get your feelings off your chest you will feel better, even if they do not respond well.Then you can decide if you want to see them more, or not.

If they don't know how you feel then you are only hurting yourself by holding on to those hurt feelings. They probably don't have a clue that you feel the way you do. I have been in your situation a lot of times and believe me when I say that I did more damage to myself by holding on to my hurt, angry fellings than they did to me. You have to figure a way to think differently about them. For me, I found that it was easier for me to feel sorry for them that they just don't know how to treat people. It was more like I had to have sympathy for them so I wouldn't get angry at them. It is kinda hard to explain in writing. Sorry! I hope I helped a little.

I have stood in your shoes, and am still standing there. I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for almost ten years and the problems have been going on ever since we became engaged. I cant tell you how to forgive the hurtful things that they have done, because I am still trying to figure it out as well. There are a couple of things I want to share that I have learned.

You can only control what you do. You cant force them to like you, be nice to you, treat you with respect or anything. You can choose how you react to what is said or done. If you allow them to hurt you/hurt your feelings (if that is what they intend) then you are letting them get what they want out of the behavior. You also need to be careful. I especially have a problem not assuming that Everything that is said or done is a personal attack against me. Even something innocent that can be taken the wrong way, believe me I have taken it the wrong way. My mother in law didnt know about the fertility issues I have (I am having a hysterectomy today) but when she asked when we were going to have more kids, I really reacted badly. She really didnt mean anything by it, but I chose to be upset about it. The only person you can control in this relationship is you. I hope that you get to the point that you will let it roll of and not give them the satisfaction of controlling your reactions and feelings. Got to go, send me a message if you like.

Out of concern for you and feeling no concern whatsoever for your in-laws, I encourage you to forgive them. This is for your sake and not for any benefit to them. I want you to have the benefit of your forgiveness. Rest assured, in my own life I have had to choose whether to forgive a true monster or else live with bitterness and hatred in my heart and let that bitterness and hatred poison my own soul by being there.

"For the honest heart is outraged by cheap nostrums for unfair hurts; it does not want to forgive at all, if forgiveness leaves the victim exposed and encourages the wrongdoer to hurt again.

"So we shall ask: Why forgive?

"And we shall answer: because forgiving is the only way we have to a better fairness in our unfair world; it is love's unexpected revolution against unfair pain and it alone offers strong hope of healing the hurts we so unfairly feel." Forgive and Forget; Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, by Lewis B. Smedes.

And here's another concept I believe will help you.

When I go to the store to buy something, whether it's a can of peaches or a set of sheets, if I look at the label and I see it reads "irregular," I know I'm not going to pay much. It's not standard quality and it's certainly not premium quality. It's irregular.

Irregular peaches are plenty good enough for my family dinner table and irregular sheets are plenty good enough for the bed I sleep on. But when someone important is coming to have dinner and sleep over, I will invest in premium peaches and premium sheets. I'll want premium quality for that day and I'll gladly pay to get it.

Just like peaches and sheets, some people are irregular. They don't have labels that clearly say so, so you must be wise and recognize them. You are not in control of quality, but you are in control of how much you pay. Your in-laws are irregular people. Never pay a premium price for irregular quality. Guard your heart.

I have the same problem. I mean on my wedding day mom mother-in-law said something mean to me, and then when we announced our first pregnancy.......It is hard and finally my husband has seen how hurtful they have been to me and sometimes still are. They don't understand and don't realize that they did say something mean to me. I don't know how involved they are in your life, but my in-laws aren't very involved in ours. We stay away and they get to a point to where they realize we haven't been out there in a while and they call us up and about 3 weeks or so after that we go out for a visit. You need to bring yourself to a realization that they may never say that they are sorry, but if you are nice to them, sometimes they will remember, and sometimes they will not. Your husband and your daughter are your family and your life. Spend your time with them and cherish them. That is what is important.

Are they nice enough to be approachable? If they are maybe talk openly, but nicely about how you felt hurt. If you are not able to talk to them accept that you have been hurt and realize they wont come out and apologize and move on for your family's sake. Another way to help is for you to write a letter to them telling about everything, but don't send it. I dont know what the issues were/are but perhaps your in laws realize they want a relationship with your family. Sometimes things are best left unsaid and just start new. I know its hard. I never got an apology from my MIL after she didnt come to my little girls birthday because her ex would of been there. I had been close to my husbands family and she wouldn't even let her husband and sons come. The party meant everything to me because none of my family could/would come and it was celebrating my daughter birth but also it was the marker of me making it a year as a mommy and things were smoothing out ( I had severe PPD) When I finally talked to her about it I felt like I got excuses. But I let it go and realized she couldnt face her ex and she was trying to make things right in her own way. It took awhile but we are on great terms again.
Also if you can, try to let go because you love your husband. My sister is married to a narcissistic jerk and we realized that us treating him bad only hurt my sister. So we put up with him for her sake. Plus you now have a dear little girl who( as long as your in laws dont treat you bad in front of her or bad mouth you) deserves to know her grandparents. Know that hurt feelings only fester and make you unhappy, write and talk about them. Try to find one redeeming quality about them,if anything they raised a son who grew up to love you. Know that hurt feelings will fester if you dont let them go. It may never be resolved, but things will get better. You dont have to like what they did to forgive them you only have to let go. Best of wishes

pray for help in forgiving them.

IF it is something that happened in the past, then that is where it belongs. If they are being nice to you now, then that is all that should matter to you. They will probably never apoligize, and if not, you should still forgive them. My in laws hurt me pretty bad as well, did everything they could to stop us from getting married, told my husband that marrying me was going to ruin their lives, actually got into a fight with me and my hubby at our wedding...yeah, pretty mean, but they are you family now, and you have to move on. They obviously have changed how they feel about you, so you need to do the same. Prayer helps A LOT to heal the hurt feelings. Remember that.

I would say dont talk to them abt it. I am a very open person but in situations like this, it just stirs it up more and gets more sticky when you talk abt. it if they aren't extremely open and apologetic. my mil isnt and if i try to talk to her about it, she gets all weepy and suddenly it is all my fault. i started to ignore it, pray for help in ignoring it and as time goes by it will get easier to ignore itand get over it.

Hi there,
In Laws can be difficult at times, I have had my share of problems with mine but instead of talking bad to me they would talk bad about their son to me, which hurt also. I couldn't believe a mother could be so nasty to their own. I avoided being alone in the same room with her because that seemed to be when she would do it. My husband's reaction was she has done this all my life I just ignore her, and I said well my family isn't like that and I just can't ignore it. So when things came up and we were going to go visit them, things came up here and I couldn't go. I only give in and see them a couple times a year.

I talked to my sister in law about it and she said oh yeah her mom can be like that even with her so what she did was let her have it with both barrels and she has not treated her that way ever since. But out of respect for my husband and his family I don't feel it is my place to do anything. So I guess what I am saying your husband needs to buck up and tell his parents they have no right to talk to you the way they do or have, just as I feel my husband should do for me.

And then you need to work on the forgiving part just as I need to do with my in laws.

Good Luck

Dear N L,

Forgiveness is hard to understand and sometimes do. But it is a decision that you make. Don't let your emotions control you, instead you have the ability to control them. It is interesting that I would read your remarks for suggestions today, as I have been dealing with some similar issues in my life. If you like Beth Moore she was doing a teaching on just this subject today. Here is the link to watch if you would like.

http://www.lifetoday.org/site/PageServer

My MIL has hurt me several times over the last 26 years, but on the other hand I am not perfect and have hurt her also. She has never said she was sorry, but I have made the choice to forgive her each time. I have asked her to forgive me through the years and she is getting better about not bringing the past up. You sound like a caring person that has grown in your walk in life. If you look back on your life I am sure you are not the same person you were 5 or 10 years ago. You made mistakes and propably don't want to be reminded of them either. Make a decision to let it go and look to the future and what a fresh relationship with them can bring to you and your family.

THere is a great book called the "BattleField of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers that I strongly recommend everyone read. I also like the idea that another mom suggested about writting the letter but NOT sending it. It will help get things off of your chest.

I try to live by the fact that if I can't forgive what right do I have to ask for forgiveness when I make a mistake and hurt someone.

I hope this helps.

Best regards,

J.