In a Horrible Situation Please Help. What Should I Do?

Updated on May 12, 2019
M.R. asks from Oakville, CA
21 answers

So my partner has a major drinking problem. Drinks all day and night when he’s home usually. There are times I need to go out and run errands and I need his help watching the baby. Sometimes I feel like he is not as carfeful with our baby as I am and I feel like I’m always nagging on him only because I don’t want something to ever happen to our precious baby. He zones out on video games a lot and I’ve seen him leave the baby on the couch. Any time I confront him he says I’m overreacting and I’m a nag. I just don’t want anything to happen to my child. But I also want to make this relationship work. I came home the other day and he was passed out on the couch and so was my baby on the EDGE of the couch!!! My husband was rolled over the opposite way from my 6 month old and he could have fell!!! I took a picture of it and I showed him that is NOT okay. I feel like he will just do it again though. I don’t want something to happen it scares me everyday. What do I do???

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More Answers

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

You are fully aware that he is not capable of caring for an infant and you leave your infant there with him anyway??

Hello???

What is so important that you can't take your baby with you when you run errands?

this has to be a troll question because no mother would intentionally leave her child with someone she knows is not capable of keeping her child safe.

Get out of the "horrible situation" and focus on your child. Don't get pregnant again either.

8 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i'm not sure what you're looking for here. some magic potion to make him suddenly wake up and decide to be a responsible parent?

ain't going to happen. you need to figure out if your relationship is your first priority, or your child.

knowing that he's drunk and unfit, if you now leave that baby with him you are guilty of endangering the child.

you know what you have to do.

khairete
S.

6 moms found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Boston on

I understand your desire to make this work, but the news is filled with tragic stories every day of children who were hurt or killed while in the care of an impaired caregiver. You MUST NOT leave your child with him, ever, unless he becomes sober and achieves a long-term level of sobriety. If anything happens to your baby, you will be as responsible as he is because what you are doing is endangering your child. Surely you can see this right? Surely you're going to put the safety and well being of your child above everything, right? Not only could your baby have fallen off the couch, your partner could easily have rolled on top of him and smothered him without even knowing it. Can you live with that chance? I couldn't.

Given that he is completely useless as a father and a partner, I would end the relationship if I were you, at least for now. Figure out how to support your self and your child on your own. Use assistance if necessary (that's what it's there for) and let him know that his alcohol addiction is costing him his family and a relationship with his child and that if he wants that to change, he needs to go to AA or another program, sober up, and prove that he is a safe, loving, capable parent.

You have a difficult road ahead of you, but you must put your baby's safety first and not leave him with him, even for a minute.

6 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Fake post. First you call him a partner then you call him husband. If by some reason this is not fake I hope someone calls CPS on you. Shame on you for not taking your baby with you when you run errands.

6 moms found this helpful
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B.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

Why are you leaving the baby with him?

6 moms found this helpful
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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

If he is an alcoholic, which if he is drinking pretty much anytime he's home and not asleep from the sounds of it, GET out! If he doesn't want help or think it's a problem things will NOT change. Things will just get worse. And why on earth would you leave your baby with someone that is not sober? I don't care if he is the father. He's not capable of taking care of himself let alone an infant. The sooner you get out of this relationship the better it will be for you and your son. I know the thought of being a single mom is not the greatest but it will be better for you both in the long run!

6 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I’m sorry but you can’t make this relationship work. It takes two people to make a happy healthy marriage. Your husband sounds self centered and neglectful.

Could you forgive yourself if your child sustained a TBI or death through your husband’s neglect of your child? You know he’s not capable of being a responsible parent while he drinks. I’m just wondering why you knowingly leave your infant with him. That’s neglectful too.

I’m wondering what he contributes to your relationship. I would leave him. You can’t parent him effectively and do you even want to?

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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

You are leaving your baby with an alcoholic who zones and passes out. It shouldn’t matter if it’s your husband, partner, neighbor this is a high risk situation.

5 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

This is such a bizarre ludicrous insane situation I really hope you are a troll because if you aren't your child's chances of surviving the next few years aren't good at all.
If you want your relationship to 'work' - there's no way you are going to be able to raise a child so put your infant up for adoption and don't have anymore kids with this alcoholic as he drinks himself to death while you watch him do it.
If you wake up enough to realize that your partner - who would pass out drunk while caring for your child - is incompetent to look after an infant - and you are guilty of neglect for leaving an infant in his care - then you know you need to take your kid and leave.

5 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

There was a question just the other day about a significant other's drinking. There are some helpful responses here:

https://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12356495867065532417

However, that was written by a responsible, home-owning mother with a tween child and a man with a relatively new problem. You sound a bit like a troll, as others have said, because you can't decide if he's your partner or your husband. But putting that aside, you sound very young and just as irresponsible a parent as he is. You can't control his drinking, photos or not - see the other question I referenced. But you are guilty of child neglect and endangerment, and that is something you DO have control over. And even your publicly-posted question could be used against you by CPS as showing that you knowingly left an infant with an active alcoholic and neglectful caretaker. Same with the photo you took. It's not that the baby was on the couch, dear. It's that the baby was with someone who passed out and who does so regularly. The baby could spike a fever or choke, the house could catch fire...anything. Rolling over on the baby is just one of a long list of hazards.

So, instead of running errands by yourself, you do what every other single mother does - you take the baby with you or you find a friend/neighbor/relative. And you are a single mother. You just have a guy living with you.

You want this relationship to work? Why? What's valuable and rewarding about it?

Stop spending money on errands, and use it to pay for parenting classes and a lawyer. And go to Al-Anon meetings to learn how to cope with an addict and how to stop thinking you can change him. You can't. You can only change yourself.

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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

if he's not your husband, why are you still with him?
If you have a problem with his drinking, why don't you have him go to AA? And take him to the meetings,.

You're a first time mom. You are over-protective and don't want your child to get hurt. I understand that. I have four boys. I can't tell you how many bumps, bruises and injuries have happened in the last 19 years. It's astounding that they even made it the ages they have made it to!! LOL.

The baby DID NOT fall. You need to accept that.

You are living a life of fear and you need to make a decision if you are better off with our without him. No one can tell you the decision to make. You have to make it. It's your life. No one else's.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

If your partner has a major drinking problem/alcoholic/can't be trusted with the baby, then be realistic - this isn't working. It would be one thing if he faced up to it - but he's not being honest. This isn't safe for your baby. What are you getting out of it? Sounds like you're stressed and not getting any help.

For now, I wouldn't leave baby in his care. Take baby with you when you're running errands. Single moms do. Alternatively, leave baby with friend or family member and just say they want baby-visit time.

Don't argue/nag/confront him at this point if he's not facing up to this. He doesn't sound like he will change now.

You can. I'd consider what your options are. Stop focusing on the relationship 'working' and focus on you and the baby. He's not putting your family first. Maybe he's incapable of it at the moment. Maybe he's a true alcoholic.

I think there are moms on here who can advise you on how to proceed on that. My advice is to put you and babe first. Don't leave babe with him. That's just not smart/safe at this point in game. If you do need to while you're in house, etc. just strap baby into a bouncy chair - whatever you need to do so that baby doesn't fall of couch, or get smothered.

ETA - I agree with TF - these questions aren't making sense to me lately, and don't sound like written by a mom. The issue clearly isn't how do I leave my baby with this man, but my marriage is in trouble - I'm married to an alcoholic. If this were real, that's the far bigger issue. You would never leave baby in his care.

4 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

First of all don't leave the baby with him until he gets some help for his addiction to alcohol. Second, consider leaving, at least until he gets some help for his addiction (or make getting rehab a condition of your staying). You have to put that baby first now.

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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

First, the baby goes with you all the time, every time. You do not leave the baby with him any longer. If you have family or friends nearby that can help babysit while you do things on occasion, then enlist them. If your partner isn't willing to get help for this drinking now, then I would leave him. Why would you want to make it work if he is content on being like this? What would draw you to him? I don't get it. If he's not willing to get serious help then forget about him ever changing. Also, the two of you would need couples counseling and parenting classes. He sees no problem endangering a baby, and you seem to keep leaving a baby with him. That is not going to work. Your child is in danger. Wake up and make some changes right now before a tragedy occurs.

3 moms found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

There is no way for the relationship to work as long as he is drinking. Get out and get out now. Find your local women's shelter and get out. As long as he is drinking, the chances rise every day for that baby to be hurt or worse die. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to leave. It might wake him up to the problem and when he gets clean you can hopefully build a life together....GET OUT TODAY!

2 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from Boston on

You will come home to a baby that has fallen off the couch. In a couple months you'll come home to a baby that has crawled out of the room and is now in trouble while your partner is passed out on the couch. Its going to happen unless you change it. He's not a fit parent and you are being an unfit parent leaving your child with him.

You can't make him stop drinking. Its something he has to decide on his own. Your priority is yourself and your baby at this point. You can never leave that child alone in the care of someone who is drunk. Hire a sitter, take the baby with you, do whatever you need to do.

2 moms found this helpful

V.S.

answers from Reading on

You could not pay me enough money in the world to leave my baby with an out of control alcoholic. The fact is, you are aware of the situation and are choosing to leave your baby with him regardless. You are just as negligent as he is. It is in your power to change the situation - by leaving him. You have a choice about your husband, but your baby didn't get a choice. You owe it to the baby to protect him at all costs, even if it means leaving this selfish boy you call a "partner."

1 mom found this helpful
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R.L.

answers from Chicago on

Please, go to Al-Anon. Do not leave your baby with your partner/husband.

You are not overreacting, you might be a nag. There is no point in asking him to do something you know he is not going to do.

I like your idea of taking a photo and showing it to him, but now you need to follow up by refusing to allow him to be alone with the baby unless he seeks help and addresses his problem with alcohol.

1 mom found this helpful
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G.A.

answers from Aguadilla on

Hi M., you sound like you are very young. From what you write it also sounds like your partner, besides being an alcoholic and unfit father, is also unemployed. Is this what you want for your life? We only have one life and it is up to us to make it a good one and the only way to do this is buy making the best choices possible. Your partner will not get better and the ugly zit will finally pop when God forbid something happens to your baby because of his neglect. Get out of that relationship NOW. You can move on, you only have one baby and obviously the baby won't even remember the separation. The relationship will not work, Dear. He will not change, at least not for now. Your baby and you deserve something much better in life...don't give your child the wrong examples.

1 mom found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Nope. nope. nope. nope. You can't leave the baby with him. You have to protect your baby. You have to take your baby out with you when you run errands or you have to hire a babysitter. Sorry. You know he has a drinking problem. You CANNOT leave your baby with him. You know the right thing to do here. I'm sending you strength.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

You need to leave him ...period. Get all your ducks in a row fast as possible and get some help. If you don't have the money go to your church, or join a church and seek advice and counseling there. You could also be liable if something happens to the baby.
Do not let it get to that point. In this case I don't think there is such a case of ultimatums. If your partner wants to change because he loves you and baby enough he can prove it by quitting, going to AA and you would benefit from find out why you are living with this. That is not love. You living with this fear is not acceptable.

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