Impossible Ex-Wife - Sorry It Is Forever Long

Updated on March 17, 2007
C.H. asks from Lewisville, TX
13 answers

Hey ladies,

I am at loss for thoughts to resolve this issue. Any input from anyone that has been on either side would be MUCH appreciated. I realize that this will be long, but if you make it through it, you may just make my life and one little boy's world MUCH healthier.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. He has a 4 year old boy and I have a two year old. I truly love his son, although we only get to see him "somewhat" on the normal visitation schedule. He is an amazing father and his son loves him very, very much. My boyfriend's divorce has been final for almost a year, but they have been apart for going on two years. She was unfaithful many times over the 12 years they were together and she chose the divorce route.

His ex-wife has been in and out of relationships the last two years. She has introduced most, if not all, to their son. She is now involved with a new man that she says she is going to marry, but then again, she said that the last time. You would think that this would make the situation better, but nope. To give you some brief details...

Although she is involved with a man that lives in Irving, he purchased a condo for her south - southwest of Ft Worth, I mean, it is OUT there! She could have chosen anywhere in Tarrant County, but she pretty much lives as far as she can away in Tarrant County. We live in the Lewisville area and she is demanding that my boyfriend drive to her home on Thursdays to pick his son up by 6:00. My boyfriend has to leave work by 4:30 at the latest to be there on time. Once he picks him up, he has to then drive another hour to hour and a half to get home. They literally have an hour before bedtime together out of the car. She then demands that he bring him home to her the next morning by 7:00 am. Is that realistic? To make her son be up by 5:30 in order to be home on time? She refuses to meet him, even though she would likely be able to / want to stay at her boyfriend's in Irving.

Then, when my boyfriend tells her that it is not in their son's best interest for him to come and get him, what with him having to sit in a car for 3 hours each way, she tells their son that "Daddy doesn't want to see you, he is not coming to get you tonight." Is that not the WORST thing you can do for a child's mentality? I would NEVER tell my son that, even if it was true.

She pulled their son out of school without my boyfriend's input (and then lied and said that he was kicked out), which is against their court orders. She lied about where she was living and gave us a bogus address and told us to just "meet at the water fountain and she would walk him out." She will not let us see the living arrangements that she has the boy in and will not allow us to meet the man that she is intending to marry, who, by the way is 15 years older than her and has no children and has never been married.

She is not working, not in school, apparently just mooching off this man. She is luckier than I obviously, because she is literally paying for NOTHING, she just filed for bankruptcy. He bought her a car, pays her mortgage and living expenses. She is very bitter because her family provides no financial support for her and my boyfriend's family is very giving and loving.

Now, she has told my boyfriend that he is not allowed to come get their son tonight, a court ordered visitation night, because she is going out of town. She is also planning a two week trip to Japan in late May and has hired a nanny to keep their son at her home and has told us that we will not be allowed to keep him, even though their paperwork says that he gets first option for having him anytime she is not going to be with him. The only reason that we know any of her plans is b/c my boyfriend is proactively trying to work with her and had to “pull” the info out of her.

My overall question, what do we do? We are sort of up against a brick wall. Being a mother myself, I know the rights of a mom and I know that she is not required or obligated to live near us, she is not required to work, and she can chose what she wants to do with her life. I also realize that there are always two sides to every story, but the boy is really the only thing that matters, right? I specifically chose a daycare that was half-way between me and my son's father so that it would be easier for him to see him, pick him up, return him, and also so that I wouldn't have to see my ex or make my son leave me to go to dad. I have done much research and know that this is the healthiest for the child.

I am obviously further in my healing process than she is, but what are our options? What would you do if in the same situation? She can make things much, much worse, but my boyfriend is devastated and really wants to see his son. Should he contact the police? He doesn't have a ton of money to constantly be in court fighting her over every little thing. She keeps saying that she just "wants him to do what he is supposed to." Is it not true that she is not following the orders either?

Any advice? I really appreciate your time in advance!! ( =

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J.W.

answers from Dallas on

Well I don't know that much about this kind of thing. But here is what I do know. It is illegal to break cort ordered visitation schedules unless both parties have agreed to it. It also sounds me like the arangement in place needs to be modified. You boyfriend's son deserves a stable enviroment. Good Luck!

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J.S.

answers from Dallas on

I'm not in this situation, but my parents are divorced (twice each). The only thing I can offer is for you boyfriend to document everything...and I mean everything. It will look good for him in the long run if he has proof.

Sorry this is happening to you! Sounds like she's just being a *$&%@ just because. Hope everything works out!!

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L.M.

answers from Dallas on

oh my gosh - this is like de ja vu!!! My husband & I have been married almost 7 yrs...and I hate to tell you - it may never stop! I'd love to chat with you on the phone - as you know by typing your message....it's too much to say!!

here's my email - [email protected]____.com - we can then exchange phone numbers - and chat.
If not - good luck - stay focused just like you are - because you will always be remebered as doing the right thing!

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K.D.

answers from Dallas on

Hi Christin...

Oh how much nicer life would be if all parties involved would try to do the right thing for the child instead of the right thing for themselves...I too have been through (still) the same situation - we are raising my two step children (15 and 14 in a week) but went through a LOT to get them. Even though we now have them, we still deal with a lot of "issues." A "bonus parent" group would be great and therapeutic - I don't know how many times I just needed an ear...I'm here for you to share any experiences we have gone through and to just listen...feel free to email me anytime at [email protected]____.com Best wishes and stay strong

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M.F.

answers from Dallas on

Sounds like he needs to call his lawyer.

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A.A.

answers from Dallas on

Best advice is to go to Fathers for Equal Rights in Dallas and explain this situation to the lawyer that is there...The FFER is a membership driven program and is about $50 per year...She is breaking the law with violating the orders the problem is without the resources to force her to do the right thing by hiring an attorney the only thing you can do is to use the court order and get the advice from the FFER to be able to do it yourself and fight for your 4 year old. She is destroying his sense of self worth and ability to relate to his dad which will haunt him for life if they can not work it out civilly or get him out of that situation. Poeple's selfishness never ceases to amaze me...

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K.

answers from Dallas on

Sounds JUST like my husband's ex wife. My story is too long to type out, but if you'd like to talk, please let me know. We can email or you can call me sometime. *hugs* I have no real answers, but it does help to get it out sometimes.

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K.D.

answers from Dallas on

Candice P said it best. We suffer(ed) from a similar situation and after 5 years I think the game is no longer fun to her. We handled legal matters through an attorney and we refused to play into her games. No matter how irritating they were we NEVER let her know or else she won again. We never spoke negative about her in front of the kids. We would supported her financially if she needed it and we always made sure the kids were taken care of. It did not take long and they (3 boys) knew who the stable force was. In fact, 2 of the 3 boys now live with us.

I have also seen parents in Family Law court handle their own matters, so if money is an issue maybe look into that as an option. It is not near as intimidating as a litigation courtroom. However, I would not attempt it until you have documentation and all your ducks in a row. Documentation, Documentation, Documentation. Can not stress that enough. I would also call and speak to the court clerk about it.

I wish you the best of luck. It is such a frusterating thing to have to go through. Time.. it just takes time.

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S.T.

answers from Dallas on

Bless your hearts!!! I have been through some of this stuff myself. Fortunetly his X was a court reporter and knew it wouldn't be a good idea to break the decree laws. We lived in Melissa and she lived in Dallas. We were driving to pick the kids up every other weekend and dropping them off. I read the divorce decree one day and it clearly stated that we were to pick them up from her house and she would then be responsible for coming and getting them on Sunday from us. I had my husband point this out to her and she started doing it. Not willingly by any means...but she did.

I agree with the others that you are probably going to find yourselves back in court if you want these problems resolved. Document every single thing. Get a calendar and start marking all of this stuff down. A friend of mine (a man) went back to court recently because she was pulling the same stunts that yours is. He has great documentation and the judge told her that if he found her back in his court over contempt...that he would award full custody to the father.

Don't give up, but don't just give in either. This child needs you. Mom doesn't sound so stable.

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H.F.

answers from Dallas on

The only suggestion I can really give you would be for your boyfriend to file for custody.

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C.R.

answers from Dallas on

Hi,

Well I have never been divorced but I went though a pretty ugly one as a kid. Its only been the last couple of years that my parents can be in the same room together(after 15 years) but they aren't allowed to talk to or about each other. (Those are my rules) They both played their games with each other and with us three kids. But at the end of the day when I look back on it all I know everyone loved us they just didn't always like each other. My dad drove every other weekend from Wichita Falls (3 hours one way) to pick us up on Friday and drop us off on Sunday. He did that for over 10 years. I didn't love the car ride either but we did make memories, traditions, and bonded with what we had. My only suggestion is do what my dad did. Do what you have to at the time (even if you are too tired ) fight for what you think is right and make the best of what time you are given. And some things take a while not everything in this world is a drive thru and if some is crazy chances are they are going to stay crazy. You just have to find the way to handle and cope with them.

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C.P.

answers from Dallas on

I've been there--my step-son had just turned 5 when I met my husband (he's 18 now) and we went through the same stuff. He lived in Houston w/ his mom, we in D/FW. She did the same thing--insisted (because that's what the decree said) on him coming all the way to Houston, picking him up on Friday at 6, then bringing him all the way back to Houston on Sunday by 6. Crazy! So, here's what you'll have to do.
1. Contact a family law attorney to have the orders modified. The judge will likely ask for the parties to mediate. HAVE YOUR DOCUMENTATION TOGETHER!!! I can't stress this enough. When my husband went to Houston for their mediation, I had every letter, every instance when she sent the child to us sick w/o his medication or clothing, etc. etc. all organized in a binder. Believe me, it did not go her way at all. It was ordered that he be allowed to fly on SW Airlines with specific flight times. My husband offered to pay all costs. In your situation, I can easily see the orders being modified that you all meet half-way in a neutral, public location. I would make SURE if the orders don't state that she must stay within a 4-county area (Dallas, Tarrant, Denton, Collin) get that added.
2. As hard as it is, try not to get sucked into the drama of her personal life, and don't ever talk about her around her child. No matter what a big B she is, her child loves her and that puts him in a very uncomfortable position. We had that added to the orders as well--no one in either family or extended family allowed to talk about each other around the child. No probing the child for info on the ex.
3. This too, shall pass! Stay positive and be a positive influence in the child's life. Don't try to be "2nd mommy" b/c that doesn't work. Let him come to you, don't force yourself on him. You'll have a great relationship as a result.

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E.T.

answers from Dallas on

wow, that WAS long and you have a lot of different issues...

First, does the decree have a specific distance the two parents must maintain between households? Surely it doesn't say she can move wherever she wants (that's a rare thing to have in decrees).

Second, she doesn't have to show you her living conditions. She SHOULD, but she doesn't legally have to.

Third, she doesn't have to introduce either of you to her new man. She SHOULD, but she doesn't legally have to.

Things she HAS to do legally...

* make sure you have a real address. Every time she moves, she's supposed to notify your bf by certified mail (at least, that's what my husband's decree says)
* follow the decree as far as visitation. Your bf doesn't have to exercise all his visitation, but she must make him available.
* If your bf has First Right of Refusal (sounds like he does), then HE should be keeping his child while mom is in Japan. He just needs to tell her, "the decree says I have FROR, so I'll keep our son while you're in Japan."

What your bf needs to do is follow the decree exactly the way it's written for a period of time (at least 6 months). He needs to document every time she breaks the decree. When I say document, I mean tape himself going to pick up his son or buy something at a convienent store out in SW FW just SOMETHING that gives his statement that he showed up to pick up his son and mom wasn't home, mom refused to let the child go, etc, etc, etc.

It's NOT contempt UNLESS your bf actually goes through with driving ALL the way out there and THEN having mom refuse because then she could say, "well, he never showed up". Then he's stuck b/c he never did.

This isn't about mom's rights, this is about NCP's rights. NCP have the right to see their child according to the decree. If the CP chooses to ignore the decree, then the NCP needs to document every instance and take her to court. At some point, your bf will need to stand up to her or it will get worse.

My husband flew 1200 MILES to get his daugther even though he was 90% sure his ex-wife would hide his daughter. She did and she found herself in contempt for that instance and another just-as-serious instance. We had to waste $1000 in airline tickets because if he never went up there, we could never prove contempt and it would just get worse. Needless to say, his ex-wife hasn't pulled that stunt again...

Hope that helps

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