Im So Confused - Fort Worth,TX

Updated on January 05, 2010
S.R. asks from Fort Worth, TX
5 answers

ok here fiance has been talking to this girl that he use to hang out with years ago when teenagers...well i havea prob with jealousy...i've asked him about her, he said she is just an old friend and she lives in chicago and they dont talk often...ok..perhaps so, why do i feel so jealous then...unlike any other time with any other person...
so heres what i did, i went into his facebook, went through his msgs (yea i know, shouldnt have, but my gut is usually always right)...there are conversations dating back from april 2009 till dec 9th 2009 with her...stating he is going to be in and has been to st louis as late as dec 9th...well he was not there then, he was home with me...mind you we live together...also he constantly makes comments on how pretty, sexy, beautiful she is, how he would hit on her if he would see her out anywhere, how he has thought about her alot. He made a comment on a risque photo of her that i asked him if he had seen, he said no...yet in the msgs i read today, he sent her a msg saying how beautiful she was in it..
also he made a comment to her about a blind date, the way the msg reads is like he went on one back in june 09 and it didnt even start out turned out horrible as a matter of fact...ummm strange cause we are engaged and have been since christmas 2008...and when he isnt with me, he is at work...his hours match up to what his pay is, so i honestly dont believe he is missing out on work to see someone. ive even made several trips to his job unannounced just to see if something is up and he is always there.
Anyway, he talks about wanting to see this chick in chicago when he goes to st louis, wants to take her and her bf out to dinner...also she asked him about whether he has a gf or not, he said i "was" engaged, but we cut it off and are just friends now. in all the msgs, he not once ever said he IS engaged or living with someone.
i guess what i'm getting at, is there anything that i should be worrying about? i talked to my aunt about it and she said that he is just prob flirting, that men and women do it...kinda a fantasy thing...but ok, why would he lie about things, not mention me, lie about owning his own business, talk about on blind sooo confused...
another thing about all this that gets me is that he has told her to call him while he is at work...that if she gets lonely, and how he knows how it gets, hes lonely often, that she can call him. ummm he doesnt even like me calling him bc he says he is always to busy or cant talk long. so WTH!!!
im looking for sincere advice here, i dont think he is cheating, but i do have a sense of something just isnt right.
so if anyone can offer some advice, and please dont be mean in your replies...
thanks in advance

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So What Happened?

well we've talked it out and yes she knew we were engaged...they are just friends from church from when they were kids. his claim on ending the engagement came at a time where he didnt think we were going to be together anymore...granted i stressed how upsetting that was to me that he said that to others, but i didnt know anyhting about it. as far as the lies...well like some of you said as well as what my father said is true...he was seeing how successful she is in her life and was feeling like he hasnt done anyhting with his life and well quite frankly was trying to make himself look more important than he is (or so he thinks he is, i personally think he's very successful). basically a fasaud (sp)...which in turn ive done b4 too like a lot of ppl. as far as talking with her and making comments on her beauty...he agreed that he shouldnt have made those comments and as far as the calls...they have never called one another, he has text her once and that was to wish her a happy b-day. i got her phone # and have searched my records over and there are no calls on there at all to or from he's being truthful. nonetheless, we are workin on things, he's come to understand my feelings and that what he did was wrong and wants to make things better...regain my trust...which he will over time. thanks again for your replies.

More Answers



answers from Dallas on

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Unfortunately, I can't imagine any reason why it would be ok for your fiancee to be flirting with someone else or saying to anyone the kinds of things you mentioned if you two are to be married. Maybe it was an invasion of his privacy for you to look at his messages, but now you have an inside look into his thinking that he surely would not have shared with you otherwise. I would consider that a gift of knowledge and make a break before I were to commit to a marriage with someone who obviously has feelings for someone else. A fantasy of the mind is one thing. Conversing by phone and on the internet is "physical" and it's not about just "fantasy" anymore. He's not being faithful to you, even if he's not actually "cheated" on you through the flesh. I would never marry someone I wasn't absolutely sure was 100% committed to me and only me. You deserve nothing less than that.


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answers from Dallas on

I would leave right now. Trust is a major issue. I was married to someone who I thought would never cheat on me, but I found out that he was on multiple dating websites & talking inapprioriately to multiple women via email. Maybe by phone too, but I can't prove it. I really don't think that he ever met any of them let alone slept with them, but that was enough for me. If he's not willing to stand up for you and your children & tell her that he's happily engaged, what else is he hiding. Plus, when you find out something, there's always more that you don't know about.

Best of luck.



answers from Dallas on

Is this the father of your children? If not, I would say to move on. You did break a trust by nosing around in his stuff, but your gut seems to be right on. It's better to end it before you get married and then have to drag your children through a whole situation and divorce.

I'm not sure what all your insecurities are, but you need to get some personal counseling and find the worth in yourself. You need to not be jealous and hound someone by showing up at work unannounced and track through their things. If you can't trust a person, you should not spend the rest of your life with them. There is a comfort when you find the right one!

GL! I wish you all the best!


answers from Dallas on

leave him now you can not trust a somebody like him .



answers from Dallas on

He could be just exploring what if with this girl or have leftover feelings. Either way I'd demand counseling or break off the engagement. He's not acting like a man ready for a commitment. Some jealousy might be healthy, but this isn't healthy. Post crisis mode you should figure out the jealousy issue for yourself.

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