I'm Not Sure How to Deal with My Daughter's Biological Mom?

Updated on December 22, 2010
B.P. asks from Paxton, IL
18 answers

I've been with my fiance for a little over a year, so I've known his daughter since she was nine months old. She calls me mommy and she calls her mom's boyfriend daddy, as she's known him about as long as me.
They are the trashiest people I've ever met and my fiance and I aren't allowed to say a word. They have been letting her ride on four wheelers (granted they're on them with her, but how many children fall off and break their necks at older ages then two) and shoot guns and go hunting all of those things. And if Scott, my fiance, says a word he gets screamed at that she's her mother and she knows best.
And even all this wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the double standard. When she comes to pick Leigha up after the weekend is over and I say bye and she says bye mommy, her mom goes balistic. When we pick her up though her soon to be step dad is on her like this is the last time he'll ever see her. More then her actual mother is. It's just awkward really.
I just want to know how others would deal with this? We're moving in afew months an hour and a half away, and I'm worried about how she'll be after we get marrier (in September) and our child is born (in July) I don't like all the drama this causes but I love my daughter very much, blood ties or not.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

So very sad when people make kids and don't consider the consequences. You're not her step-mom yet. But you have created a life with her father so now you're in for a lot of years dealing with her mom. I'm sorry but she should have never been taught (or allowed) to call you 'mommy' or to call her stepfather 'daddy'. How confusing is that??!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

Wow... I don't know. I would be very concerned too if that were my situation. I've been a Nanny to many children and was called Mommy a lot too from children not of my blood... children will feel an intense bond with other Motherly women. Good luck...

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answers from Santa Barbara on

I read this a while ago but had to think about it...I will try to be nice. She is not your daughter, she is not even your step daughter at this early in the relationship. As a mom I would be very upset if my daughter called someone else mommy, just as I would never let her call anybody else Daddy besides her dad. There are million sweet names for you that you could have come up when she was learning to speak. Also, families are different, let them go four wheeling and hunting...it's none of your business. Lastly, I don't understand why you would move an hour and a half away from her but that's just me.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I am a Stepmom and I think it is wrong for you to have your fiance's child call you Mom. You are NOT the Mom...you are NOT even her Stepmom.

Maybe you are over stepping your bounds, just a bit? If it making the Mom uncomfortable that her daughter is calling someone else Mom, why not just back off...maybe things will get better for you guys then, at least you won't be making the Mom go crazy?

Yes, it is a double standard and it is not fair but that's life for you.

Just a thought.

~I have been the Stepmom since my stepsons were 5 & 2...they are now 19 & 16 and have never called me Mom...only my first name...and they love me none the less! We also encountered the same double standard...the Stepdad was instantly "Dad" and the boys were made to call their real Dad by his first name......so I feel you and I understand your frustration, it is hard when the real parents act so terribly!

Big Hugs

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Coming from a bio Mom. I do not like it when the Stepmother calls my children hers. My daughter, my son, I was the one who was in labor and the stretch marks, carried them both full term. She however is a real good person and loves her stepchildren to death. I only asked that she remembers I am the Mom. My now husband would never want to be disrespectful to my Ex and have them call him Dad. He is not their Dad. He is a wonderful stepdad.

Now as far as the activities go, we go four wheeling, we shoot arrows, we shoot guns, go camping, snowmobiling , shoot paintball guns you name it we do it. Its all fun to us. We also teach safety with everything we use. Maybe that's what your upset about because non of this is trashy.

Maybe you can come up with a name for you that is endearing, just between you and the little girl. That is what my kids stepmother did. I was fine with that. You all have so much time to go with this little girl, I hope the both families can find a happy medium. I wish you luck!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Topeka on

I have been a stepmother for 42 years now and I can tell you that it is not an easy thing...especially when there is tension between the biological parents of the child. First of all...this little girl can't even be 2 years old yet so you need to come up with a special name for her to call you....but NOT Momma...you are not her Momma....you are not even legally her step Mother yet. Why not just have her call you by her first name...that is what my stepson called me for quite a few years ( Now....as an adult he calls me Mom...but that is because HE chose to no longer have a relationship with his biological Mother and we have always have a nice, warm, loving relationship). IF your fiancee doesn't like her calling her step father "daddy" then HE needs to address that situation....not you.
Please...for this precious little girls' sake...be the peace maker...don't stir things up and make them worse....concentrate on bringing all of the parties together to all work on what is BEST for this little girl....you all wil be much happier because of it and believe me ...SHE will be the big benefactor of it in the long run!!
As to your opinion of these people....just because they ride four wheelers and hunt and fish doesn't make them "white trash"....it just means they have different hobbies and interests than you might have. Let this little girl enjoy the best of both worlds....but please don't try and poison her against her Mother and step father...anymore than her Mother should try to turn her against. you and her Daddy. It may take some group counseling or something for all of you to get over the anger and bitterness that I have a feeling is running rampant through both households. Please...do what you need to do in order to make life for this little girl more pleasant and full of joy and love and laughter.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita on

Hmmm...family dynamics are always hard. If she's truly doing something that could endanger the child then your fiance' needs to say something to her. If she doesn't agree he could always go before the court. The court will try to do what's in the best interest of the child.

Being the biological mom in a similar situation, it's really hard to hear your child call someone else Mom. Personally I've asked that my ex's girlfriend be called by her name, and never Mom. I worked really hard to earn that title.

I completely understand what you are going through. I think it's wonderful you love this little girl and obviously treat her great. But how would you feel if your child (due in July) called someone else Mom?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

If her dad does not want his daughter to call another man "daddy" that is something he needs to work out with his ex and then explain to his daughter. The step-dad should respectfully accept the father's wishes. If he doesn't want to bring it up, you should feel free to let it go.

If his this little girl's mother does not want her daughter to call you "mommy" that is her right. She should calmly make her wishes clear to her ex and then explain it to her daughter. You should graciously acquiesce to the mother's wishes.

My parents are married and I have never been divorced. But I can tell you this -- My children will never call another woman "mother". That is my sacred title. Perhaps you can work with your fiance's daughter to make up a special name just for you...Mimi or Nonni, etc.

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answers from Boston on

Imagine how you would feel if you heard your baby call someone else mommy.

I would be ticked. My oldest does not call his dad's girlfriend mom and if she ever suggested it to him I would be livid!

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answers from Minneapolis on

Im a step mom and I would never let my step daughter call me mom. Why? She has one mother and it is very disrespectful to her if I let her call me mom. After you have your child you will understand how much that must hurt her to hear.
I dont care for my SD mother either but I have to respect that it is her mom and she will always love her. Lover as if she is your own nd it seem like you do but you have to respect her mother.
Her hurt feeling most likely adds to the drama.

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answers from Chicago on

Divorces are very hard...as are step parent relationships with children from the "other" woman. I don't want to judge you or the way you think. Or the way you feel about this little girl.

The person who will pay in this scenario is the little girl. You can be her confidant, her friend, and her cheerleader, but you cannot be her Mom....unless you for some reason have to someday adopt her because of the loss of her Mommy or other tragic incident. That doesn't mean that you cannot treat her with love and the same way you would your own child.

I am from both of my parents "second" family. I had the benefit of my Mom and Dad together. My brothers didn't. They came into this world that sucked! Their parents HATED each other. And for them, they felt like an afterthought. My brothers however had the benefit of the marriage being over and a divorce being final before they met my Mom.

My Mom became their friend, advocate and cheerleader....not their Mom. Now they call her mom (they are 50 &53) but they didn't when they were young. Their Mother deserves the title of Mommy, she did then and she does now. They call my Mom, "Mom" now because without her, they wouldn't be who they are. The title was earned and not given. Just ask them...

When you move away, that tells that young girl that, she wasn't worth being around for. When you have that baby, it tells her that "she has a replacement for her Dad's affection", When you get married to her Dad and all those changes take place, she learns a terrible and untrue thing about her...she is second, or last.

I know you love her...it is easy to love a child when you love her Dad. But will you still feel the same way when she shows her jealousy of the baby, or when she repeats to you what she hears her Mom say about you? I think that you have to remember one thing, she is the one being screwed. She loses the benefit of a WHOLE family, she loses the daily kisses from her Dad, she loses seeing him when she needs him to guide her.

Be her friend, her advocate and her cheerleader...not her Mother, that job is going to be super hard for her for much of her life...unless her parents GROW UP and act like adults, it may very well be too late for that!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Yipes! Lots of very direct comments here -- a good thing, but can be a little painful too.

OK -- as for hobbies, I know people who ride 4-wheelers & such who are totally trashy and I know others who have the exact same hobby who are anything but. It's all in the attitude. I trust that you're looking at the attitude more than the action and that it's the way they're doing it that leads to the "trashy" reference. BTW -- Trashy or not, I think not even 2 is a little young for that kind of sport. Can you imagine the ruckus you'd hear from others if you didn't use a car seat for a 2-year old in a four-door, completely safe car? Not sure how putting a little one on an open vehicle & calling it a sport or a hobby makes it safer...

I am a step mom, an adoptive mom and a bio mom, so I totally get the heat around what name to use. I think the "Momma firstname" might be a decent compromise. My SDs call me Mommy & their bio mom Mumma -- we each know who they mean & it's the same but different. I guess I don't like the "just first name" thing because it's somewhat disrespectful to you. I mean, you may not be her birth mother but that doesn't mean you don't love her, cherish her, sacrifice for her and deserve her respect (and for everyone who said they deserved the name Mom because they carried the child -- please! I've known bio moms who, once the child was born, never carried it again - and there's more than one way to earn that wonderful, precious title).

There is something, though, to having your fiance sort this out with his ex. You'll have to live with whatever compromise he can arrange (if any). For the most part, these things need to remain between the bioparents for at least a few years (until the acrimony subsides & things are on a more even keel). And you probably won't be able to get rid of the double standard. Sometimes, you just have to suck it up. Sorry -- doesn't mean it's fair.

Take a deep breath, pick your battles and remember the child. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chattanooga on

How often do you see her? I know that I called my dad 'Dad', my mom 'Mom' and my step-mom 'Mom', but I refused to call my step-dad 'Dad' We only saw him every other weekend, and for 6 weeks in the summer... while my step-mom lived with me on a day to day basis (until she and my dad got a divorce...) As far as the guns and such, I have been shooting guns, hunting with my dad, riding on 4-wheelers (and motorcycles) since I was an infant! As long as the parents are responsible in handling it, it isn't really that big of a deal. I would let it go, and try to find a different 'name' to go by... maybe instead of "mommy" you can be "BB" or something... I don't know... When she is older, and if SHE wants to call you Mom, then that will be her choice. At this age, she doesn't have the capacity to make a decision and will go according to your cues. I know that I personally wouldn't want my DD to know anyone else but ME as 'mommy' if hubby and I were to ever split...

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

I believe that any step-parent should be willing to accept their step-children as their own. Sounds like you have done that and mom should be happy. I don't believe that necessarily means that the step-parents should be called "mom" or "dad". Not saying they can't but this early in the relationships (not even the step-parent yet), I would say it is a bad idea on both sides but if it is ok for one than it should be for the other. Either way, it is an arguement for the bio-parents to have.

I have never called my step-mom by anything other than her first name (she married my dad when I was not quite 11 months old). Same w/ my step-dad.

When I remarried, my son asked if he could call my new husband Dad and I said "If you want to I am sure it will be fine"...I knew my ex (who was rarely in his life) would not like it but I left it to my son. He said that he was going to "after the wedding". He never did and that was fine, although sometimes he does refer to my husband as "Dad" when talking (he's the one that has been there for him). It has upset his bio-dad when he's heard it but his wife said "He's with him all the time. He knows who you are and he doesn't call him "Dad" but could you really blame him if he did?" so he got over it. I would be devastated if I ever heard my son call his step-mom "Mom" but I am perfectly ok w/ her calling him "her son"....would be disappointed if she didn't.

As for their hobbies, as long as they are being safe (following the laws and common sense to keep the little one safe) there is nothing wrong with those. If you consider than trashy for that I believe you are out of line. If you are calling them trashy for other reasons (not related to the hobbies) then it wasn't clear.

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answers from New York on

I think it would make me nuts to hear my kids call someone else mom. although my kids call their step dad, Daddy! But they are with their step dad 98% of the time. I'd have her call you Mommy B. (Mommy your first name) if possible; it may help relations with his ex. As for the unsafe behavior that has to be a battle between your fiance and his ex. He should leave you out of that conversation and say "I dont feel comfortable with my daughter doing....." Do they have shared custody?

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answers from Charlotte on

Why are you moving an hour and a half away from your fiance's daughter? How does he feel about that? Also, just like everyone else said, you are not her mommy.



answers from Chicago on

I dont feel it makes them trashy because they ride 4 wheelers, & shoot guns & go hunting, I grew up doing all that stuff & my family
Nor myself are trashy. As far as the safety issue well that depends on how responsible the ADULTS are, again I have rode 4 wheelers & dirt bikes my whole life & I'm now 37 & have never broken a bone in my body however accidents do happen, it's great fun but I think it all depends on how mature & responsible the adults are that are supervising her.. I agree what the stepdad says is indeed immature & he has no business saying anything like that, however I personally feel it should be between the biological parents how their child is going to call the step parent IF both people can communicate on that level which is best for the child & that's how every situation should be handled " what's best for the child" & not the adults.. Just my thoughts..



answers from Los Angeles on

Well she is right on one aspect, she is her mother. She may no know whats truely best but she does love her and hopefully doesnt want harm to come to her.

As for the double standard.... it will always be that way. :( I go through the same thing. When my SD started calling me M. her bio mom flipped out! Although she was MAKING her call her moms boyfriend dad. But it our relationship and we make it fabulous or not... NOT HER MOM.

Pick your battles honey. Let a lot roll off your back, I know it will be hard, but you will drive yourself insane trying to change these people with no avail!!!!!

Just do damage control when you have her. We recently had a baby and let me tell you this lady tried to get my SD to tell her all about my baby.... I THINK NOT!!!! I text her and laid into her. This is my child!

I would love to say it gets better with time and blah blah blah, but it just gets to be a different thing they pull just to make your life miserable. The key is to not let them. Although that is really tough!

Its always hard to hear your child call someone else mom but it is about the kids. My kids love their step mom and that is all that matters to me. She is showing her true colors and the kids are smart.....they are starting to figure it out! Thank God...I've be waiting along time for this.

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