I'm in This Position Again!!!

Updated on July 28, 2017
R.W. asks from Flushing, NY
19 answers

So a few months ago I had posted that we were talking about moving from New York to New Jersey. We were in contract on a house, had our inspection, but in the end, we walked away. The inspection report came back with some issues that the sellers refused to deal with. One of the things that came up on the report was mold. The sellers refused to deal with it. So in the end, we walked away. We decided that we would put the move on hold for a while. Well fast forward to last week. My husband found out that a school has a spot for my daughter. He now wants to move in 6 weeks!!! He wants to put an offer on this other house, move in the first week in September, basically ripping off the bandaid doing this now. I didn't feel ready to move 3 months ago. I was very relieved when we walked away. How am I supposed to be ready to move in 6 weeks? My husband is very unhappy here in New York so I get he wants to leave but I think packing up, being out of here in 6 weeks, switching my daughter's school, puts an enormous amount of pressure on me. WWYD in my situation? Would you rip off the band-aid or make your husband stay here another year? I really feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle here 😕

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answers from Washington DC on

My husband had a job offer, he came home and told me, I immediately called the real estate agent, and prepared to move. There was no question. This is what he wanted, and to be honest, it's the best thing we ever did! Was it scary? Yes.
Was it a ton of work? Yes
Did it make my husband happy? Yes.
Was it worth it? Yes.
Suck it up and do it!

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answers from Boston on

If the deal on the house can close in 6 weeks - which is a totally normal time frame provided that nothing unusual comes up - then that seems like plenty of time to prepare for a move. I wouldn't buy the wrong house or pay too high of a price just for a spot at school, but if it's the right house and the right price, then why not? I think that it doesn't really matter if it's 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years to you - you don't want to move.

I think other people have suggested this already in the past but again...why not rent a place for a year and try it out? If you're really miserable, you can discuss as a family without needing to go through the expense of buying and then selling a house, or won't be trapped because you are tied to property that you own.

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answers from Houston on

You are not in a pickle. YOU DON'T WANT TO MOVE. What would I do? I would call the realtor rent a house for a year to make sure I could be happy in the new environment. I would get my drivers permit/license and embrace the change.

6 weeks is ample time to move. I did it. We moved from Kentucky to Texas in 4 weeks AND that included selling and buying homes. Yep it can be done. Good luck!

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answers from Washington DC on


Your husband is unhappy. Are YOU happy in NY?

Why don't you want to make this move? Are these people YOUR friends too?

I was raised in the military. I moved every 3 years growing up and now? I miss it. I've been in the same house for 20 years!! I'm READY - LOL - I've been cleaning the house out and it's a welcome relief.

Yes, this move can be accomplished in six weeks. YOU CAN DO THIS...you just have to WANT to do this. You really need to communicate with your husband. WHY is he doing this change? What does he HATE about where you live?

I too would have walked away from a molded house. We had water damage that caused mold - it was a pain in the rear to eradicate. Thank God it was only where the water damage was. You were right in walking away from that house.

Can this move be done in 6 weeks? Yes. Make a list. Take charge. Change your attitude.

Overall - you MUST communicate with your husband about WHY he HATES where you live. What are the benefits of moving - happier husband? Less stress? Better living? WHAT? What are the down sides of moving? What are the consequences of having your family stay where you are? An unhappy husband. A stressed husband. They say
"happy wife, happy life" but what about HIS happiness? COMMUNICATE!! Figure out and compromise about what he wants...

and your daughter? Is she NOT his father? IF he is? Then you should say OUR daughter.

Good luck!

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answers from Wausau on

If you're going to move, now is the time, before the school year begins. Six weeks is plenty of time...for someone who wants to move.

You don't want to move at all, which is clear.
Your husband absolutely wants to move, which is clear.

There is not going to be a middle ground here. One of you will have to give in on this decision. If you both stand your ground, your marriage will come to an end. You're not on the same life path anymore, which is an absolute requirement. You need to see if you can get back on it together.

Would you rather stay in NY, or would you rather stay married?
Would he rather be in NJ, or would he rather stay married?

This is the situation today. Gloves off, pure honest talk. Go.

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answers from Boston on

I don't think this is about moving. I think it's about you and your husband wanting/liking totally different things. He wants his friends in other towns, and you want yours in the city.

I do think your inability to drive is a problem, and perhaps you are very nervous about it. I would think you would want to learn, even if you live in a city and use mass transit. But if you are very nervous and anxious about this as well as other things (such as living someplace else), then that has to be addressed.

I think that, if you put your daughter's name on a list for a school, you had to know that the most likely time for an opening is in the summer, when other families have made plans to move out of the area you are talking about moving into. So not anticipating this was a mistake, or a communication break between you and your husband.

It's good that you walked away from a mold-filled house, and I'm a little concerned that your husband's insistence on moving in 6 weeks makes it possible that he will overlook some issue in the new possible house.

But mostly I'm concerned that he has decided he will never be happy where you are, and you will never be ready to move or feel that there's enough time. If you really wanted to go, then you could enlist friends and make your husband take time off to help pack and put stuff on Craigslist and do whatever else you have to do to make this smooth. But that's not happening so it's a pretty big red flag for your marriage, regardless of where you live - someone's always going to feel trapped, isolated or stuck.

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answers from Santa Fe on

I don't really remember any details of your previous post, but 6 weeks to move is more than enough time. You can even hire someone to do the packing. They do it in one day! Once we had two weeks to move across country and hiring someone was the best decision...it was quick! It's hard work moving but it can mean better things for the family if you look at it in a positive light. We have moved 3 times for my husband's job (getting a better job, moving closer to his job, etc) and it is so worth it. He is much happier now and likes what he does and he does not have a long commute anymore. If I were you it would be no contest...I would say yes to moving and do it! But I am not you and it sounds like you do not want to move. This is a big conversation you and your husband need to have to try to figure this out together. You say your husband is very unhappy in NY. His happiness is important too! What if you do this and you find out that you actually really like living in New Jersey. You never know until you try. Change is a part of life and a part of growing as a person and being in a marriage means making compromises for each other. If the move means he is close to work, your kids are in a great school, and it's a nice place for kids to live I think you should go for it. Good luck with your decision. PS - I read someone who wrote you should learn to drive...that must have been in your other post. Many people in NYC don't drive bc they don't have to, but it's very easy to learn. You should definitely learn to drive no matter what your situation...it could be important one day in case of an emergency. My FIL came down with brain cancer last spring and each of his three adult kids went to help my MIL at different times. My SIL who lives in a big city never learned to drive and so instead of helping out...my MIL ended up having to drive my SIL around which added more of an inconvenience to her life! I still am flabbergasted that a 43 year old woman will not put the effort into learning to drive! It's not hard!

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answers from Kansas City on

Hmmm yeah this is complicated. I mean did you two discuss it and you agreed to move last time? I mean I guess you did since you put an offer on a house, so what has really changed? Clearly nothing has changed from his perspective and he's still wanting the same things. After that deal fell through what was your discussion with your husband, that you'd wait a year, that you'd keep looking, etc.? Aside from it being totally scary and not at the top of your list of fun things to do....are you willing to move?

I will say this...we just moved from the place where we both grew up, got married, birthed children, and all our family still lives. It was horrible and I cried a lot and it was INCREDIBLY stressful, but I did it and I'm fine and my kids are fine and my marriage is great. It's scary to move but 6 weeks is doable. Is it EVER going to be a good time to move? If this is something that you think your'e eventually going to do and you were willing to do it 3 weeks ago then yeah, I think you need to do it.

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answers from San Francisco on

First of all, good call in walking away from the first house after discovering mold, THAT is a nightmare.
My thoughts on moving now, based on your previous post?
Moving isn't the problem, your anxiety is.
Yes moving is a pain, and stressful, but people do it and get through it every day, and more often than not are happy they did.
Have you learned how to drive yet? That's probably adding to your anxiety as well.
I don't have the answer, but I can tell you that I raised my family in an area that I never really liked, because the schools were "good" because it was what my husband liked and it was a good commute for him. Once the kids started going off to college I thought it would finally be "my" turn, I was ready to get out of there. My husband wouldn't hear of it.
I finally left him, after 22 years.
Obviously the place we were living wasn't the only reason, but when one spouse's comfort and fear of change constantly trumps the other's desire to live, explore and enjoy life, well that leads to problems.
Just my two cents.

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answers from Philadelphia on

6 weeks imho is enough time to pack and move. It sounds like the bigger issue is that you don't want to.

You and your husband need to talk and come to an agreement.

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answers from Norfolk on

It can be done!
Just put aside any thoughts of "Whoa Nelly!" and instead get a plan together for "Full steam ahead!".
People move all the time - often in mid school year - and it turns out fine.
At the beginning of school is not so bad.

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answers from Oklahoma City on

It doesn't matter about anything you said....okay? YOU don't want to move from where you are no matter what. So asking anything else isn't the real issue.

You have to understand it's not the move or anything, it's your attitude about it. You don't want to move but it's necessary. Families go where the work is. His work is somewhere else.

Your husband wants to move now, before school starts and is going strong. You need to understand your husband works somewhere else and it's time to move forward.

Get a moving company to do the moving and just walk away if you can afford it. If not then you need to go find or buy a bunch of boxes and get started. I often find I can start in the kitchen first because I have so many things that we only use a few times per year. I can pack up half the kitchen in a day.

You have winter clothes and blankets and stuff. Get them packed up in a couple of days. Put all your winter gear in a storage unit or wherever you're going to keep the stacks of boxes.

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answers from Miami on

I would NOT rush to buy a house under these circumstances! Instead, find an apartment that you can rent, maybe on a month-to-month basis. That way you have time to see how your daughter is doing in the new school, and to find a home that you like and want to live in, AND that you aren't basically telling the seller you HAVE to buy their house.

I know that this isn't answering the part about you not feeling ready. But if it's coming because your husband is so unhappy and if you decide to say yes, regardless, what I've written above is the best way to handle it. It gives you flexibility. And it will also give you time to move. You don't have to do it all at once. You can put stuff in storage and bare bones it in a small apartment until you figure things out. If your husband doesn't like it, tell him that HE can move to NJ by himself if he's not willing to work with you...

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answers from Dallas on

I wouldn't "make" my husband do anything.

My marriage was based on our partnership and teamwork 27 years until he passed away.

Communicate your concerns, discuss things logically.

Moving is not fun but it's the best decision we made!

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answers from New York on

R. - You got some great advice on your previous two (at least) posts on this same topic. Go back and read those. Talk to your husband. Look at other neighborhoods in NYC. Take driving lessons. Take steps to see if you can handle this situation differently or at least make this move seem less awful to you.

Also - schools in NJ have openings every year! Why would your husband base a move on a school opening?

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answers from Fort Myers on

You two need to have a serious talk. Tell him your concerns and how you feel. Have him tell you his reasoning and feelings.


answers from Springfield on

if you are ok with moving then rip that band-aid off and get packing to go.
my husband was talking about moving us to another state. like from Illinois to Colorado kind of move.. that is too far from family. and he is verbally abusive at times so i firmly set my foot down and said NO i am not going (i refuse to be alienated from all my friends and family) if you are in a situation similar to mine and this would alienate you in a potentially abusive situation then make him stay but if not and there is no reason other that you don't want to do the work then suck it up and rip off the band-aid



answers from Portland on

I can't remember the reason for the move in the first place - is it for work or does your husband just want to move for quality of life/space/etc?

I think you have to both be in agreement. Otherwise, I think it will lead to problems. That's just my two cent's worth.

I was unhappy where we moved last time because it wasn't our desired location - it was what we could afford at the time. The house we made perfect, and we had a lovely spot - so in a way, it was one of the nicest places in our little nook. We ended up making quite a lot when we sold and were able to move to our desired location. The neighborhood ... was not the best though. I knew that going in. It was necessity.

All that is to say - I found it hard. Quality of life means being comfortable where you are and happy to be there. Sometimes you have to sacrifice. I accepted that. I have a lot of friends who have had to move with husbands for careers, etc. You can put up with a lot when needs be - when it benefits the family as a whole.

That's how I would look at it. If the family as a whole is better - and this is a great school for your daughter - then that will check boxes that your current house might not.

It is definitely easier though if you both want the same change and are on the same page. My friends who moved with their husbands were dependent on them for income (mostly my stay at home mom friends). That was part of the deal and they made do and made new friends. Eventually they were able to move back closer to their families again.

Figure out the pros and cons - sit down with your husband and just talk it out. Six weeks definitely is kind of crazy - I am guessing this needs to happen to have your daughter in the right area with an address for school. I don't like making rash decisions, but you did both come to the same decision before for the area - so relief may have been just knowing what you know, and your comfort level is your current home. Sometimes we have to jump out of our comfort zone. Just be sure it's a really family friendly neighborhood/area with lots of amenities and a nice home that you are comfortable with. That will make the transition that much easier.

Added: I can't believe they wouldn't fix the mold problem! Good thing you didn't buy that house ...



answers from Pittsburgh on

6 weeks is plenty of time to pack up a house and get ready to move. This is not the issue. The issue is that clearly you don't want to move and are looking for excuses to say no.

What did your husband say to you when you looked him in the eye and told him that you do not want to move, now or maybe ever? If you haven't been honest, then you need to be ASAP.

If you did tell him this and he expressed his feelings about why the family needs to move, what did you say? Did you agree to the move?

If you agreed to the move because you know that logically it's the right thing to do, and it's just your anxiety getting in the way, then you need to rip off the bandaid and do it. Sometimes this is the best way - if you had 6 months, you would worry/stress out for 6 months. This way you only worry/stress out for 6 weeks and then the move will be over with.

Next question: Moving and Will "Miss" Old House.