I'm a Stepmom Looking for My Boundaries.

JB is right, I couldn't have said it better myself! My sister is in a similar situation herself, and it's been sometimes smooth, sometimes rough sailing. She is a great step-mom, and you sound WONDERFUL! You really sound like you have the biological mother's best interest, and you could never replace her, but just never overstep her authority or mush it in her face that you are the "other" mom. It does not seem like you are doing that, but that's just a reminder. Keep up the good work, and let hubby take care of arrangments and communication with bio mom. Blessings!!!

You sound like a sweet person, but this is very, very hard to read. Seriously, please cut and paste it into something like Word, use capitalization and punctuation and paragraphs. I'm not trying to be mean but this forum isn't twitter or texting and questions that are written in a way that's easy to understand will get better answers.

At the end of the day, your step-daughter's mother's relationship is with your husband and not you. As far as she's concerned, you have no rights and your thoughts and opinions don't matter. Of course in your home you influence your husband and have a relationship with her daughter, but she doesn't need to acknowledge you, welcome you, or have communication with you. She can go right ahead and pretend you don't exist. Immature? Sure. But it is what it is.

Your husband needs to take ownership of the relationship with his daughter's mother and any communication should be between the two of them until you get crystal-clear signs that you are welcome, and that day may never come. Bottom line is that they are her parents and you are not.

I say this as a step-mother and bio-mother. My SD is 15 and I've known her since she was 3. She lived with us for 6 months when she was in Kindergarten and has been here full-time for 3 years. I can count on both hands the number of times I have spoken to or seen her mother. My husband handled all arrangements, including drop off and pick up, child support, schedule changes, etc. When SD was with us it was another story - I was 100% involved and took care of her, but there was no need to annoy her mother with my presence or involvement.

Be the loving mom and wife when your SD is with you, but don't push it in the other mother's face more than it needs to be. Take the high road and if it makes her happy to step back a bit, then do so. It doesn't change anything about your relationship with your SD but might make her mom a little less defensive if you're not always reminding her that you're there, replacing her.

It's nice that you actually realize that you need some boundaries. You really do. This is not your baby. You're acting like it. You shouldn't be the one doing all this for the little girl. Your husband should be doing it. HE should be the one picking the little girl up for visitations. You shouldn't be going along. This "being by husband's side 100%" is an excuse for running the show. Your husband says you're doing the right thing because he doesn't have to do the WORK. He has YOU doing the work. This is supposed to be visitation with her dad, not her stepmom FOR her dad.

You act like you can't trust your husband with this woman. It's not your place to chaperone him with her. Step out of the communication issue. Instead of letting your husband out of the responsibility of dealing with the mother of his child, require it of him.

She made you look bad to the judge BECAUSE you're stepping on her toes. She can just envision when this child starts school that you'll be talking to the teacher, going up to the school, trying to take her place. She thinks you're going to interfere with all aspects of her daughter's life. And it's not for you to do.

Stop trying to manage the situation with your step-daughter. It is your husband's job.

Argh! Stop the "Lil" and "lol" stuff! So annoying.

How about this?
Let your husband man up and be there for his child.
Let HIM talk to his ex, let HIM arrange visits, let HIM decide if a relationship with his child is important enough to him to remain at the top if his priority list.
Child should be his #1 over all else.
You should follow his lead.
Just cause you say to fight for his rights & visitation? Not enough. Support? Yes. Dictate? No.
You're right, you're not mom. But with much love and patience, you'll have a great role to play in this girls life.
Good luck.

I believe you are doing too much. The baby was made by it's mother and your hubby - not you. You stepped in from the beginning and it seems as though you are trying to run things.

You need to step back. I agree with the other poster that you should have let him figure out how to co-parent with the mother before he married you. Now he's trying to figure out how to co-parent and not hurt your feelings. That's really hard to do with someone like yourself who thinks that anything having to do with hubby has to do with you. Not so in this situation.

Let hubby and the mother work out the co-parenting and any and all decisions regarding the child. IF hubby asks for your advice, give it to him but be sure you end it with "this is my opinion. The final decision is yours and I will respect whatever decision you make."

You seem to think that because the child is two, potty-trained and walking, that the parents don't need to communicate. WRONG! They will need to communicate regularly throughout this child's life, including the child's adult life. Parenthood does't end when a child reaches the age of 18. Get out of the way and let HIM communicate with HER.

What J.B., Doris Day, and OnePerfectOne said. You are doing too much.

I'll add that I think that you stepped in and married him too soon. He saw his baby for the first time with you at his side?? Completely inappropriate. If I were that mother, I don't know that you could ever do anything to wash that bad taste from my mouth. You never gave him space to figure this thing out before he had to also be a husband to you. You should have either walked away--because he was not ready to be in this relationship with you--or just dated him for at least a couple of years, while he would be figuring out how to be a father and a co-parent. You never let him learn that, because you immediately took over.

I am a stepmother who had to fight this same reflex with my husband, so I understand the need to just fix what you think is broken, especially if you don't see the guy taking charge. And you think that having that paper between you gives you the right to whatever he touches. It doesn't. The line is a thin one. Treat her with lots of love while she is at your house, but you have to remember that you did not give birth to her and have no rights that trump those of her mother. You are going to have to learn how to back off and walk that line.

It's hard to find the balance, and it'll take a while yet, but your obligation to him and his daughter is to encourage him to have a peaceful and functional relationship with the mother of his child and to give his daughter love and affection while in her presence. That role will be thankless, but that is your job where this girl is concerned. You say that you are willing to be cool with the baby's mother, but what you don't seem to get is that you have no choice in that, if you are going to be with him. You have no rights.

You absolutely should treat her like your own, within the parameters of what her bio parents allow.

Oh, and kudos for recognizing that you need to rein it in.

Hi fellow stepmom. I think it is great that you are engaged with your stepdaughter. For her sake, I would do what I can to make amends with the bio mom. I recommend calling her and saying something along the lines that you know she is the mom and that you want to do whatever you can to support her. I would let your husband handle most of the communication. The first five years of stepfamily life is the hardest so do whatever you can to keep peace. Things will settle down hopefully. When you are with your daughter and husband then love on her like crazy. I always introduce my stepdaughter as my daughter. I don't say I am "mom" but she is my daughter. Hang in there, have faith, put her needs first and it will get better.

A lot of it sounds like a mother unwilling to share her child with her father. It is not YOU. It is your PLACE. If she wants on some level to be with him (or at least have him not be with anybody else) and you are there in the way, then she will just be angry that he has someone. My DH's ex used to sign things The Mom, like anybody would forget who she was.

Your DH needs to do things like navigate communication with his ex. This is not your direct job. Let him arrange things with her, fill her in on doctor visits, etc. When possible, keep it to email. Be professional. Don't get into arguments. Follow the court order. Etc. He needs to buffer you (and any children you may have, and his DD) from his ex's problems. It is his call if he wants to have more communication and to keep it to the kid. It's a professional relationship now.

You are probably doing nothing wrong. My DH had custody when his kids were little. By default, I did a lot for them, more than their own mother. I took them to school, I picked them up when they were sick, I packed their lunch, did homework with them, etc. Not because I was replacing anybody but because someone needed to do it and I was there. It didn't always make their mom happy, but I couldn't (example) let the kid go to school in shoes that didn't fit. My DH had to get the kids 2+ hours round trip in the summers and often I went (or I was sometimes the person driving them). I tried to be low key - when they were old enough they just hopped out of the car and went in. I didn't carry their bags or go to the door. Many many times their SF also transported them, so their mom couldn't say much if she had her DH doing the ferrying, too.

It is the fine line many SMs walk - love the child, but heaven forbid you seem to love her like your own (as many would want you to do) because the mother will get upset.

So find your own path. Do what needs doing when it needs doing. If your DH wants company or it is silly to leave you behind, then go along. Let her mom handle things like the first bra if she's an involved parent. But don't cut yourself off from supporting your DH or push yourself in the background all the time to keep the peace. If your DH is capable of holding the mother to boundaries and keeping things about the KID, then let him.

You ARE the stepmom. I think the more of us that are sane, reasonable, caring people who proudly wear that title the less the fairytale will be the first thought. That's your title, and there's nothing wrong with it. There will be times when a well-meaning stranger calls you mom and you just roll with it, and there will be times when it is appropriate to correct them. You'll know when you get there.

I never had a heart to heart sit down with my DH's ex. There was never a need. I just gave her respect (more than she often gave me) and tried to keep my eye on the long view. Both sks are grown now and the interactions with their mother are minimal. They organize their own lives. It takes a loooong time for a family to settle so don't get caught up in today. Keep the big picture. It is a transition for everybody.

Once, when I was venting about BM, my SIL calmly looked at me and said, "We've had 10 years to get used to her behavior. You'll get there." Which is true. There is a lot less angst on my part once I learned to let go of little things that I made too important. Also, remember that her relationship with your DH has no bearing on whether or not she's a good mom. My DH's ex is not all bad. She has done some good things for her kids and loves them in her own way. Her way does not need to be my way or DH's way. If this mother is a good mom, then her communication woes with your DH are secondary to the well-being of the child.

Sounds like you are doing everything right. As a mom, I think that any step-parent that isn't willing to be a parent shouldn't have gotten involved with someone that has a child because while they are legally a "step parent" they are still a parent and should act like it. Sounds like you are.

Maybe mom is insecure in her role as parent or the fact that with you and your hubby it seems more like a family (especially if she is still single) so maybe asking to communicate with your hubby is her way of drawing the distinction that she is MOM. It's ok for them to communicate as your daughter's bio-parents. Don't worry about that.

Maybe talk with her one on one. Tell her that while you love her daughter very much, as if she were your own, that you respect her place as her mother and are NOT, would NOT ever, try to replace her. That you just want to be the best step-parent you can be for the benefit of HER daughter.

Since you and he are married, you have every right to be with him as much as you want, and when his daughter is with you guys, you are free to help in every way.

However, I guess if I was in this situation where I KNEW the mother was sensitive about it....like if my ex remarried and his wife was "parenting my baby like crazy" and I felt sad or jealous (I can't imagine losing my kids for ANY amount of time period and I got full custody of them in divorce thank god) then I'd try to stay off her radar a little more just to ease tensions until this improves.

Do you have caller ID? If it's her calling, let him answer the phone. You don't need to be glued to his side 100%. Let him go pick her up alone sometimes. Let him be a dad alone sometimes. Let him take his daughter out alone sometimes and do stuff for her himself sometimes. This will blow over in time as the child gets older and the mom gets more comfortable. You CAN assert yourself forcefully like you are, but you do don't have to. I would back off a little when the baby's mom is present or on the phone to ease everyone's mind. Just my opinion-you're not doing anything wrong though.

Do what you want to do. The ex was never really 'his' except for the night of conception. Now he is yours. Be there for pick up, drop off, whatever you desire.