If You Got Pregnant and Then Married...(did Things in Reverse!)
July 22, 2011
Beverly Hills, CA
...did it turn out "OK" in the long run? Was there resentment from your spouse?
This question is for women who got married and have been for a significant length of time!
Do you (did you) feel that the baby was the reason that the man married you? has it caused additional issues?
My FIL married my MIL 50 years ago because she "got pregnant" (we all know it takes 2 to tango!).
I've gotta say, they are two of the most miserable people I have ever met.
There is SO much resentment on both sides. She HATES him and he says she ruined his life.
Are they the exception?
(ETA--this isn't the cute 50 years of marriage bickering (I think that's cute too)--this is seething resentment, hatred and, truly, a boulevard of broken dreams!)
I got pregnant first. We were young(21), had been together a couple of years & had already discussed marriage down the road. I told him that I was pregnant & would be having the baby but if it was too much for him to handle that I understood that & I absolutely did NOT want him to marry me because I was pregnant. I told my parents that were planning on getting married after he finished flight school. My Mom's advice was that if we were going to get married at some point anyway, we might as well get married before the baby was born just to save a lot of headaches with name changes, etc. down the road. We got married 6 weeks later. This was back in January, 1999. He still hasn't been to flight school, ha!!
I was pregnant when I got married, but the father and I had been best friends for a long time and both knew we would eventually get married. It ended up working out for us, we're very happy and I doubt there will ever be any kind of resentment.
My parents, on the other hand, got married when my mom got pregnant with my sister, and then had two more kids together. My mom never knew my dad resented her until they had been married for 26 years and he divorced her out of the blue. He said that he never wanted to marry her in the first place, he only did because she was pregnant. My mom was (and still is) completely shocked and devastated.
I guess it just depends on the situation, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. :-)
Id say back then when wedlock was the norm a lot of people who are married now are unhappy and wonder what would have happened if...... Although I see a lot of people who married under the right circumstances that constantly yell at eacother and bicker, i honestly think old people bickering is cute. Better than seeing an elderly person sitting all alone at mdconalds having their everyday morning coffee. Maybe spending 50 plus years with the same person just brings that out in us. We can only be polite for so long before we just don't give a sh*t anymore what hubby thinks and that the tv is too loud.
My 2nd husband and I had our child before we married, mainly because I was determined to not make such a bad mistake as getting married again (because I'd already blown it once). He wore me down (LOL) and now I'm so glad we did marry. We're still nuts about each other.
Personally I think that if two people love their child, and each other, to make a life together then it's a beautiful thing.
Now if you're going to spend 50 years blaming someone else for your problems that's a different story.
My hubby and I got preggers unexpectedly and waited for a long time before marrying. We didn't want to marry just because of our child. We wanted to marry for all the right reasons--so we waited and I am happy we did that---We are happily married and still super in love! I want to be with him for the rest of our lives....:)
i think its diferent now....at that time you were more forced into marriage ALSO every couple i know married that long has a love hate relationship....where they frustrate eacother like crazy but when it came down to it they'd take a bullet for eachother
I know plenty of miserable married couples, even those who got pregnant after they were married.
If they hate each other so much, they could have gotten the big D, right?
Anyway, I don't know anyone who got married because they got pregnant and then resented the other party for it. But, most of my married friends are married 10 years or less, so maybe in 50 they will want to claw each other's eyes out.
My husband and I have been together 11 years,married for 5 years and have a 6.5 year old as our oldest. No regrets on our end, no anger, no hating. But we were together for a whole before the baby. So many different things can change how things turn out.
My husband and I were together for 4 months when we found out we were pregnant. We got married when our daughter was 7 months old. We'll be married for 4 years this September. It hasn't always been easy, but it's always been worth it. There's absolutely no resentment on either part. We got married because we wanted to, not because we felt we had to
I got married and then married him months after the baby was born. Big mistake and the marriage did not last. The father was a big control freak and he was very abusive. He like to try anything on me to wear on my sympathy and make me feel bad. I love my baby (not much of a baby anymore) but his daddy was a jerk. The dad tries to make me think that I hold it against him because he got me pregnant and that is why the marriage did not work. Not the case!! I refuse to stay in a marriage where I am scared to go home. If I'm not happy then I am not staying. I'm not the kind of person to live in the past so I just make my future positive and refuse to play the "you ruined my life game."
I am also the result of an unplanned pregnancy. Unfortunately, my mom sees me as the reason her life has been miserable!! She has never really been much of a mother figure to me. She was the one the throw the most stones when it happened to me
.It is always funny how the one with the most skeletons in their closets are usually the ones to throw the most stones. Oh well!! I refuse to let this stand in the way of my happiness and I realize that is something she deals with every day. The best way for me to get closure from my unhappy childhood is to love my children to the fullest and teach them how to be happy and productive.
My BFF's daughter got pregnant. They got married when the baby was just over a year old. Then decided to have another. They've been married for 2 years, they are totally miserable and fight all the time. They mention divorce all the time as a threat to each other.
Well I don't have alot of married time under my belt yet so. . .
I got pregnant, bought a house, got pregnant two more times and only then got married. He didn't marry me for the kids. We married each other for each other.
I think its time they got away from each other though.
Yes, that happened to my husband and I. We were together for 6 years, and we got pregnant. My Mother tells me it was God's way of telling us we needed to speed up the process and get married already. My son is now 7 years old. In total we have been together for 13 years, and growing strong.
I think the answer is really that marriage doesn't just "turn out" good or bad, whether you fall madly in love and elope, make a conscious choice after years of dating/living together, or have a surprise pregnancy and decide to go for it--it's a series of choices to stay together, to be kind, to be a partner, etc. And having a child together is a better reason to make your marriage good than anything else I can think of, no matter how your marriage started.
I have been with my husband- I guess maybe SO for 20 years we have two kids 15 and 8, we have talked about marriage a couple time but never really saw the "need". My mom married my dad and three other husbands because she got pregnant never loved one of them, hated her entire life until she decided to take off at about 50 to "find herself" three husbands later she is still looking. I think that you got married because you got pregnant is used way to often as an explanation that you made a mistake.
Dated hubby for 3 months and got pregnant and we got married when she was 14 months old, and I was pregnant with number 2. We went ahead and got married because of baby number 2, but we were engaged already and planning, we just moved the date up QUICKLY. We will hit our 7th anniversary this year and we definitely have our issues (mainly around the fact that he cheated before we were married and I found out after and his softball...because we all know I'm perfect and contribute no problems to the relationship - haha!) But I wouldn't change any bit of our lives to get to today. That's my motto!
Me and my SO (Significant Other) were together MAYBE 8 weeks when we found out, as an oops obviously, we were pregnant. It was early. We discussed the options. I already had 2 grown children. And we decided to move in together and raise our child.
I got lucky. He's a GREAT daddy. I'm a good momma. In the beginning tho, and after we had our child, was the time we spent trying to "date" and get to know each other. I don't recommend it. It wasn't the ideal situation. But we worked and worked and worked on it til now, I can't imagine living with or having a child with anyone else.
My youngest was my second chance, not only at life but at love. And we don't fight (we bicker, no fight) and we parent our son (and kids from previous) well. And through all the ups and mostly downs of the past 5 years, I can honestly say I made the right choice with the right person and look forward to growing old with him.
I will say tho, in the beginning, resentment from him was ALWAYS my worry. But not once have I gotten a "because of you..." comment out of him. Like I said, I'm lucky (read: blessed).
We've been together 5 years now. Son is 4. Older children are graduated and adore the new addition. And we have zero plans to get married anytime soon (or ever for that matter).
I think we're all accountable for our decisions. Your in-laws are too. Sending good thoughts your way.
I just have to say after 50 years, that's very side. Very sad. But things were so different back then.
My husband and I got pregnant six years ago after we'd broken up. It wasn't a pretty breakup but we managed to remain civil and grow up. Our daughter was born. We went through a lot of ups and downs. He just wasn't mature enough to take on that responsibility at the time and needed time to grow. Thankfully prayer works and there were plenty of people around us and him so that he could see things through a different set of eyes. Fast forward and we have a second child. Crazy me. I know he needed to get to a special place or I'd just move on. Again, prayer works. I was ready to just let go. And he decided he was ready. After a lot of talking and counseling I forgave. And it hasn't been years but I don't regret everyone in my house having the same last name. :) And it was beautiful having our girls in our wedding. :)
And to be clear we got married not just so we could all live under the same roof and have stability for our girls but because we love each other and our family. :) We don't feel we're keeping each other from some GRAND opportunity. What could be more GRAND than the rewards of raising your children?
Yeah, my husbands grandparents did. I guess at first they really hated each other too. But, after several years of being together they seemed to work it out. They seemed petty happy with each other, they just didn't like anyone else. :/ Can't say they are my favorite people.
I was engaged, planning my wedding...had some doubts and then found out I was pregnant. We were young, scared, and yet excited...went through with wedding. After our son was born, we started having problems and by my son's 1st birthday, we had already separated. We both knew we probably would have called off the wedding but tried to work things out many times for the next two years until my son was 3. Things were hard between us for a long time now. We are civil to each other and are now friendly when we interact (son is now 19 so it is limited interaction).
I got pregnant first, but i did not marry him till 4 years later. And now 4 years after we married with 3 kids. We are divorcing. He's a cheater.
So we both had plenty of time to decide to not be together just because we had a kid.
At the time we did not marry because we had a kid and thats why we waited. 2nd and 3rd baby were planned after we married. First big uh oh!
I got pregnant with my daughter as an oops, through birth control. We did not marry. Neither of us wanted to marry, he was abusive, and my child was better off for it. I think if we had loved each other and were ready for marriage it could have worked out. It think marrying just for a child is wrong. My parents stayed together for us kids and it was hard on us and I think we would have been better off if they had divorced when we were younger not teenagers. I am still a single Mom and now at a place where I am ready for commitment. Now I need to just wait for Mr. right to come along. I got a lot of criticizing from my family for doing things backwards. Having kids first and not getting married first, but that is how my life turned out. And I didn't ever imagine it this way growing up. But I am happy and if I never meet Mr. right, then I will be happy being a single Mom. I think there is always a choice though. I believe marriage is a lifelong commitment(perhaps the reason I wasn't ready earlier in life), and so once I make that choice I know there will be lots of work within the marriage to make it successful. I hope to find someone who will work at it as much as me. It is sad for the people like your in-laws who are not happy and chooses to continue to not be happy. I believe they can at any time chooses to change their attitudes and work together to be happy, but maybe I am being idealistic...
My mother was pregnant with my brother when my parents got married. 3 days after their wedding he was sent to Vietnam. He came home when my brother was 13 months old. Fast forward to 2002 (34 years of marriage) and they informed us they were divorcing. There were several issues that my father could no longer live with (my mother faked a suicide attempt when my father (life long military man) was sent to Turkey and she was too afraid to be on her own) so he decided to move on. He's happier now and my mom is finally beginning to do things for herself.
My sister got pregnant after dating my BIL for 1 1/2 months (18 years old) and they married when she was 6 months pregnant. They fought A LOT! They separated when my nephew was about 2 or 3 and my parents ended up raising my nephew for a year. They got back together, work for the same company, bought a house (next door to his mother) and will be married for 18 years in September. They seem happy together and are comfortable with each other.
Technically we got pregnant first and married second. We had been together for 20 years when we decided to try to get pregnant. We owned a home and a business together at that time but were not married. We got married when DS was a year old. We are still together (DS is 5-1/2).
If I had gotten pregnant prior to our planned pregnancy, I would not have kept the pregnancy and we would not have gotten married because of it. I would never advise someone to get married because they are pregnant.
My husband and I were together for 9 months when I got pregnant. We stayed together and yes there were many times I thought that he only stayed with me because of our son. We bought a house when he was 9 months old and have been together since. We have had a rough time due to issues with his mom getting deployed and us having to take care of his younger sister while taking care of our then 2 yo.
Fast forward and this year will be 11 years together and have been married for 3 years. Neither of us has any resentment and 4 years ago had another child. I had found out only a couple years ago that he was going to ask me to marry him before we found out I was pregnant. He then pulled back because he didnt want everyone to think that he did it just because I got pregnant. And to be honest if we would of gotten married soon after we found out it more than likely would not have lasted this long.That and the fact that I was only 19 and my husband was 21. Neither of us were ready to get married. We do both think back and wonder how I life would be if we did it the right way and how much better off we would be financially. But then we also think that for some reason this is the way our life is meant to be and I wouldnt give up my children for anything.
My husband and i got married when my daughter was 5 (she is his) we have been together 10 years this past Jan! its the relationship you have...we were already engaged before we found out we were pregnant though so we may not apply.
I believe it is up to the people involved. If both want it to work then it will work if neither care if it does or doesn't or they just do what they want regardless of the other it won't work. It is not a precursor to a doomed relationship to have a baby first. It all has to do with the people who choose to marry for the right and wrong reasons and now a days a baby doesn't have to mean marriage.
My husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year. We dated for 6 months, I got pregnant, and we got married 6 months after that. We work at our relationship - the same that I guess everyone has to work at a relationship for it to be successful - but I never attribute any issues we've had over the years to marrying before having the baby. The issues we've had have mainly been from trying to get to know one another, really and truly, while dealing with the stresses of raising a child and (in the first 2 years) being graduate students, as well as moving around a lot, sometimes less-than-ideal jobs and money situations. We were also really young (21 and 23) when we married and so it's a conscious effort to grow up together and not grow up apart, if that makes any sense.
We never really felt that we had to marry because of the pregnancy, and I think that has helped us to not feel resentful. The decision to marry was separate from the baby - we did marry sooner than we otherwise would have, but never felt like the marriage was due to the pregnancy.
Like I said, we are not without our issues, but I'm proud of the way we have been working through them as they arise. I think some people blame their own mindset and behavior on the situation surrounding their marriage, and they might have more success in their relationship if they just view their decisions independent of one another.
Our situation was a bit different than some. We were engaged already, I got pregnant, and then married but didn't bump up the date any sooner. Just planned wedding as if being pregnant wasn't a big deal and it wasn't a huge thing then. We were married a little over three months before I had our daughter and things are great with us. We are actually going to have our second child in Dec and just celebrated our two year anniversary in June. So, no to the resentment. I guess this is different from most situations though.....
My FIL married my MIL in January 1961, my husband was born in August 1961....they were married until they day she died, Mother's Day, 2006. Was there resentment? No, not from her - but her parents - yes - she was the rich, only child who feel in love the boy from the wrong side of the tracks...an immigrant no less....
My parents have been married since 1957 - my sister wasn't born until 1959...
Both sides have had their share of hardships...but overall - not bad..
My GF got married because she was pregnant - we all told her not to - and 4 years later they were divorced....he hasn't seen his kids in 6 years....hasn't paid child support in 4...urgh...
It's sad that they are miserable. But, that is what happened back then. It wasnt acceptable so much to have a baby out of wed lock, like it is now.
People should never get married just for the baby, it usually doesnt work out, and then comes resentment. Getting married because you feel you have to or others make you feel like you have to isnt a good reason to do it. You need to have common ground, love, respect, and so much more. I believe that is why there are many divorces. Its sad and unfortunate, but I believe it's true.
i got pregnant and my ex-husband said "good now we'll get more help from welfare." After our daughter was born we married when she was 4 mos old. we were married for 2yrs. During that time he had some resentment towards daughter because I spent more time with her and she came first in everything. We argued more, he cheated and I left with our daughter. since leaving and divorced I've "hated" him most of the time. Just recently after 5 years hes trying to get back in daughter's life. I'm also starting to get more cofortable around him but still don't trust him.
We were engaged and I ended up pregnant, so we moved up the wedding date by a few months. I don't know if that counts because we were already planning our wedding when it happened. We do not have any regrets! :)
However, about the 50 years of marriage, both sets of my grandparents had totally dysfunctional marriages by the time they celebrated their 50th anniversary. I think it's more a function of that era - people of that era were raised to believe they should not divorce, so they'd often stay together for the kids, or out of duty, or because "people will talk" or whatever. I think getting married because you're pregnant (if that is the only reason) is a bad idea, but I think there are some people who can make it work and find common ground, and there are others who just shouldn't get married.
Our son will be 8 in September, we'll be married for 6 years in September, so yep, we "did it backwards"!!
We were together a year and a half before we found we were pregnant, and we pretty much already knew we were heading in the direction of getting married, being pregnant didn't really change that. This doesn't mean that there weren't some difficult times over the last 8 or so years, but I don't think they are any different than those experienced by people who have married for 8 years and have a 6 year old. The order of events doesn't matter, it's the people in the events and how they act that matters.
My mom had me, then married my (not bioglogical) dad less than a year later. Two years later they had my younger sister, and things were good. Fast forward 14 years, and they split up, divorcing a year after that. Again, I think it's more the people than anything else. However, we all know that kids don't make things better, they just add another layer of worries, concerns, and focus, so if a relationship wasn't good or strong to start with, it would be that much harder to make good or strong. Does that make sense?
My husband and i just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary but have been together for 7 years and have a 5 year old son with another on the way...yes we did things backwards but to us it didnt matter we love each other and no piece of paper was going to change that. we just felt it was the right time to get married, and i think us living with each other and having a child long before we got married helped us.