If He Hits, Is It Time to Call It Quits?

He absolutely does not get another chance.

If you stay in this situation, you are not "staying together for the kids". You are staying there letting your young boys that it is okay for mommy to be hurt, it is okay for women to be subservient, and it is okay for them to be violent.

You mention you have a huge support system in your family. Run, run, run to them and get their help.

Get away from this man ASAP. Being an alcoholic and bipolar are excuses. Many times men will say they do it because they "can't control their anger". If this were true, they'd beat their domestic partners in public and in plain view of other adults and not wait like a coward until they are in the privacy of their own home or hit in places where the bruising can't be seen.

It is better for your children to say they "came" from a broken home than to continue to live in a broken home.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Abuse in any form is a dealbreaker.

He hit you once he will do it again.

J.

If he hits you, he will do it again. Your kids will witness this and it will harm them more than anyone can realize. Move out, for the sake of your children's safety, and stay with your family until he gets the help he needs.

***Addendum*** I don't agree with one mom who (the one with the very long answer) said to look for homeopathic remedies first, before leaving your husband. She also said, quite harshly, that we are "destroying your family" by suggesting you take your kids and move out.

While it is reasonable to look into homeopathic causes of his agression, it is still best in the INTERIM to remove yourself and your children from this dangerous situation. As you can see from other mothers who have gone through this, it really psychologically affects the children to witness this!!!

My sister is bipolar. It's extremely difficult to have any semblance of a relationship with her because of it.

I would seek counseling for yourself to deal with the life you find yourself in, and would strongly encourage you to tell your husband that if he wants to continue to be married to you, he needs to see a therapist as well. Hitting you is never acceptable, under any circumstances. You need to leave before your husband thinks that you've accepted his behavior. Alcoholism and bipolar disorder are excuses. Period. I don't care how filled with rage someone is, hitting is never ever acceptable. Ever. Don't let your children live in a place that is violent.

Do you have any reason to think that he would ever harm your children? In any case, I would leave and check myself into a hotel or go stay with family or friends. No way would I stay in a house where I didn't feel safe. Ultimately you need to protect your children and provide a positive model for them. If they see you stay in a place where you've been physically harmed, what do you think they're going to take from that experience? Your children are old enough to know that this is serious stuff. Talk to your kids about it, and explain what's going on. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your children.

Good luck. If you don't feel comfortable asking friends or family for a referral to a therapist, call your doctor. You can get a reputable referral that way.

I suggest that you don't give him a second chance. I know that it is hard considering you have two kids. You have to look at the fact that your kids are boys and they are old enough to make decisions based on the situation. Hitting you sends them the message that it is ok for a man to hit a women. I'm not saying get a divorce but, separate for a while and help him get himself help.

Is he seeking professional help? If not and he doesn't want to control his alcohol problem and thinks that he is "just fine" it's time to go for both your children and your sake. However, if he is going through therapy and making an honest try to get himself in order (not just going through the motions to appease you, and you will know the difference) it definitly needs to be a conversation when you are both calm. Let him know it is unacceptable and you will not allow it to continue and stand your ground. Abuse is terrible and your kids do not need to see that and think it is ok and you certainly do not need to put up with it.

First of all, I would like to say that this is an online discussion group. Questions are posed to our "community" for open discussion. Unless told otherwise, all are welcome to reply, whatever their experience. There can be wildly diverse experiences, values, priorities, beliefs. It all gives food for thought, which is good. Reasonable minds can agree to disagree.
In MY opinion :) you need to go to step #1 before #2 or #3. Meaning that MY initial advice would be to have a trial separation. Initially, not a legal one.
Your husband needs "time out" and that is not possible with him in the home. He has a laundry list of problems that need to be addressed before things escalate. Allowing him to remain in the home enables his distructive behavior. If he won't get out, then file for legal separation or YOU get out. If you feel the relationship might be salvagable, try taking
6-12 months and see if he will go to counseling with you. He also MUST start AA, but he needs to acknowledge he has problem before that can help. One other problem , unfortunately, is that incompetence is rampant in ALL professions, including therapists. Most hospitals in the area have websites with a section called "doctor finder". You can put in the area and specialty. They give you recs. You can double check the recs by going into AMA online (they also have "doctor finder"). They provide more info on the docs. In your case, I say initially go with a qualified psychiatrist who can confirm or deny the bipolar issue. When, and if, you move from the Psychiatrist to family counselor be sure you feel comfortable with the therapist. If you don't, LEAVE and try another.
Don't feel hesitant to do this. People do all the time. DO NOT stay with ANY doctor or therapist if you feel uncomfortable or that it is not a good fit.
I am also an advocate of Holistic Medicine, but in CONJUNCTION with Traditional medicine when it comes to things like Bipolar disorders. Lastly, at some point, you will know what the odds are in working this out. Listen to your inner voice and do not second guess it. If, at some point, you realize you are not getting anywhere with this man, gather all the strength you can muster and get on with your life, for your sake as well as your children's. Allow him in their life, ONLY when he can conduct himself appropriately.

You are going through a very tough time. I strongly recommend that you contact Family Shelter Service. They provide help to victims of domestic violence. They have a 24-hour hotline: ###-###-####. Please call them.

Your kids don't benefit from a relationship like this. I think you need to leave. If he gets his life together later on you can think about giving him another chance, but leave and don't let him back into your life until he can prove to you that he is sober and medicated for the bipolar (hint: this will take at least a year). Best of luck to you and your family.

Domestic violence is such a hard cycle to break, but you sound very intuitive to the situation. If you stay in an environment like that, you are "telling" your children that it is okay to hit when they are angry. You need to really stand your ground and be willing to walk away for the safety of yourself and your children. Unfortunately when batterers start to hit, it never stops with just one incident, it escalates to more and more hitting. The bottom line is your husband needs help if he chooses not to get help, then the environment is not safe. I would even recommend staying with family until he gets treatment. This seems like a very difficult decision and situation, I only hope you find the strength to keep you and your children safe. Good luck.

This will be one of the hardest decision you will ever make. Leaving is VERY hard. But once you make it, you'll wonder why you ever had a question in your mind. You and your kids deserve better. Plus you are incredibly lucky to have a supportive family (and two wonderful kids). Good luck gathering the strength and courage to make this very difficult change!!!

R.

I am a 31 yr old mother of a beautiful 3 yr old girl and also the daughter of 2 very aggressive parents. My dad and mom were not alcoholics but I saw violence in the house all the time. I saw the police come to our door one too many times (maybe 2 that I remember) and I must say, these memories will always be in my mind no matter how many other beautiful ones I may have.

Jen, I must admit that I have tears in my eyes and my hands are trembling as I type this to you.

I am a single M. because when I saw my relationship heading in this direction, I left. I must also admit that I left not because I was scared of him but because I thought that should he ever put his hands on me to intentionally hurt me, I would probably hurt him more. I knew that my childhood experience created something in me that made me put up more than a wall but maybe some aggression.

I know I am not even close to being an expert but I wish that my parents had loved me enough to take me out of this situation. Had it been by getting help or atleast getting away from each other. Please take your children out of that situation. However it is that you feel is the best way to do it. They will develop more insecurities than you know and will never be able to fully overcome them even with help because they will always be somewhere in there.

Jen, I wish you safety, sanity and happiness with your lovely children.

(I should also tell you that I have 3 brothers and they are now grown men but have had some serious problems in their relationships. All 3 have been very aggressive and violent. 2 have hit their significant others and the other was always aggressive. I am happy to say they are long past that. You don't want your boys to develop this.)

yes! Time to call it quits. I've been there and finally just filed 3 yrs after the incident. Typing on iPhone so can't say all I want to. But life is short ur kids learn from what they see etc. My son miimics dads behavior but is good with me. My hope is that w/divorce my son will at least spend half his time in a loving home with examples of good adult behavior & interaxn. Good luck & if u r who I think u r u know u can call or email me!

The anger and hitting is caused by the Bi-Polar. Unless he is on meds to control that, he will hit again. It's up to you, do you want to stay and fight for your marriage and be his caretaker for the rest of his life, or do you want to leave and start new?

Whatever you decide, do it for yourself and the kids.

Good luck

i would not give him a change until he gos thought some anger mangment class what if he does not just hit you next time what if its your 5 year old or your 7 year old you need to get away and i would also tell him that he has to go thought AA as well. just my thoughts for you. good luck

Hi Jen,

I don't think it's a the place of someone who doesn't know you or your relationship to tell you what to do, but I do think you should definitly seek out a professional to talk to. There are various organizations that offer domestic violence counseling, even some at no charge. I would recommend calling A Friend's Place, 1-800-603-HELP, they offer counseling but if the location is not convenient for you they can give you the names of other agencies closer to where you live.

Good luck and take care!

Yes,it is definetly time to leave.

I agree it is likely he may do it again. However, one thing to consider is he medicated? My sister-in-law has LOTS of mental problems, and I know when there is a medication change, she can become violent. If there is medication involved, you may want to visit this further with his doctor. If not, you need to get out. If he hit you- he will do it again, and he may go after the kids. Also, you are raising two little boys. Don't let your husband teach them that it is ok to hurt women!
B.

I would leave... I am sure it can't be easy with 2 kids, but you need to get the support you need and get out of there or send him out. I know there are so many organizations out there... so leave, if not for you, for your kids. You don't want them growing up in a situation like that... I know from experience and thankfully my mom kicked my dad out and I never thought bad growing up that my parents were divorced! I knew why they were and supported her on that, it was hard at times, but I have no idea what would have happened had he stayed.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

I think it is time to get out. He is now physically abusive and you shouldn't take that or let you children see you suffer or learn that is an ok way to treat women. And he might move onto them.

I would recommend asking him to move out right away (if you own the house, try to stay in it). If not, move out. You could always position it as a separation if you think it is the medicine, but I think it is time to remove yourself from this dangerous situation.