I Was Warned About the Teenage Years....

Updated on December 10, 2009
E.M. asks from McKinney, TX
19 answers

I've always had trouble with my son's academics since Kindergarten. It began w/ behavioral issues that effected his grades. We got him tested for everything: ADHD, dyslexia, even took him to a pediatric pych. and we got "He's just your typical boy". His behavioral problems continued until his third grade year. After placing him on a strict diet (he never had any weight issues)and getting him involved in sports, we saw a significant change. Fourth, fifth, and sixth grades years, he struggled a little academically, but now we're in his seventh grade year. JR HIGH, TEENAGERS, HORMONES. I have no problems with his behavior, but he is not doing well. When I question his grades (which I check consistently) he would flat out tell me that he "didn't study" or he "was being lazy and didn't put any effort". I've talked to all his teacher, which have said he's a pleasure in class, but is not focused. I check his agenda daily and he studies every night. His last OPEN BOOK quiz he failed w/ a 44. Again his response "I was being lazy, I didn't write everything out like I was suppose to".
I am really concerned because from what I've gathered he has no motivation in academics. He states he wants to go UT when he graduates from High school and we explain what's required to get there and that his academics are crucial. But he seems nonchalant about the whole thing. He's been on restriction for months now, but again he still lacks motivation. I am at my wits end with this. I have a smart, talented young man who just doesn't seem to care. Any advice anyone?
I was warned that the teenage years were gonna be tough and expected it, of course since I was a teen myself, but I always thought I'd be prepared for anything. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for this.

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So What Happened?

I sincerely appreciate all of your responses. My husband and I took some of your advice and backed off some with the consistent, I guess I should say, "nagging". We have given more praise on his achievements and approached his academics with a little more understanding. After warning him a few times that he WILL NOT play baseball this upcoming Spring due to his grades, we gave him a chance to think things through and let us know what he thinks. We sat with him and asked him about school: not understanding, friends, stresses and we got some really good responses (we actually had a few laughs here and there) We did come to the conclusion that we may have been pressuring him too much....way too much. We were also lacking in giving him praise and treating him like the young man he is now.
We are also planning a trip in February or March to visit UT. I believe this all sums up we began a few weeks ago.

I have noticed a change. His last progress report he brought home only 1 C and it was a 76. I praised him for doing well in his other classes and in this one. He then told me "Mom, I'll pick this grade up". I never realized how much we pressured him. By him initiating that he will pick up his grade shows me he is now taking charge of his academics. I guess we hovered over him too much that he felt he couldn't and rebelled. We are still testing the waters this way, since we left the ball in his court. But I see something different in his attitude.

Again, I appreciate all of your advice, it has made an impact and I know this impact will increase when he notices all the benefits. All of that makes me happy as a parent and I was relieved that I wasn't alone in this situation. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

~E.

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

Have you ever read a book called The Minds of Boys? It will help you understand why he acts the way he does and how you can help him. Good luck!

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J.H.

answers from Dallas on

You've gotten a lot of great responses. My oldest is now a senior in high school and when she was in 7th and 8th grade I would not have believed anyone if they told me she would be graduating in the top 10% of her class in 2010. But low and behold she will be in May! 7th and 8th grade were awful! She didn't do homework, classwork, put forth any effort at all and whatever I said she did just the opposite. When she went into high school I told her it was all her from here on out I had already wasted 2 years of hot air and I was done. She stepped up and got it done. Have faith all will work out as it should. The more you stress the more he stresses and the harder the restriction the longer the rebellion. Ease up and relax. Good luck to you. And remember we raise them right in their younger years, they push us in their middle years and they make us proud of them in their high school years.

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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

Hi E.!
I know how frustrating it can be having a child that has no drive to succeed, as I am a teacher. However, at his age, having a good GPA is not as important as you think. I know you want your child to have good grades, but it is better to go through this stage now rather than in high school, where it really counts. Try setting and rewarding small goals instead of punishing the unwanted behaviors. If you are able to check his grades weekly, something like having no zeros all week, or making at least a 70 on all assignments for the week gets him something he wants. Giving him the control of the goals and rewards could help, too.

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R.S.

answers from Dallas on

One thought I didn't see voiced here is that he may just not be a classroom learner. Does he learn better by actually doing? Does he need to be walking around while listening to a lecture? It could very well be that he'd benefit from a different style of teaching. Has he excelled in any class? What was it about that class/teacher/topic that drew him in? If he's been tested for learning disabilities, then it could be a matter of figuring out what teaching style works best for him and finding a resource that would provide it.

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L.F.

answers from Dallas on

Dear E.:

Yes, the teenager years are challenging! My daughter is 14 and in the 8th grade. I've been VERY lucky that she considers good grades her job.

However, my brother sounds a lot like your son. He is extremely smart, but just couldn't be bothered to take school seriously. He also did better when he was involved with sports.

My brother graduated from high school with grades too low for a four year university. He wanted to go to diesel mechanic school, but my parents wanted college. They compromised with he would get a job at a garage and go to community college for two years and get an AA degree. If he still wanted to be a mechanic my parents would pay for it.

Well, his boss was a giant jerk and he decided being a mechanic would be boring. He got EXCELLENT grades at community college and transferred to a university after two years. He's now an engineer.

So, I guess mostly what I'm saying is keep your son busy with sports, and make sure he passes his classes, even if the grades are low. The name of the game now is keep him out of trouble. Community college and a job in the real-world can do wonders to improve motivation.

Hang in there.

L. F., married to my best friend for 23 years, mom to a 14-year-old daughter

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E.P.

answers from Dallas on

I used the LOVE & LOGIC approach for the past 21 years. If your child has NORMAL learning ability and is NOT suffering any kind of drug or alcohol addiction, then LOVE & LOGIC works. Dr. Foster Cline said in one of his lessons, "If you make schoolwork YOUR problem, . . . then it will ALWAYS be YOUR problem!" I took this to heart. It was really, really tough to bite my tongue and not say, "Got any homework?" or "Why are you sitting in front of the TV? Go do your homework." But I learned NOT to ask, NOT to nag, NOT to remind. Bite your tongue and let the chips fall where they may, no matter how painful. If my kid didn't turn something in, they suffered the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES at school - - failing the course, repeating the course, staying after school with the teacher for tutorial, summer school. It hurts to watch your kids fail - - but you only have to watch it happen just a couple of times. NO kid wants to NOT GRADUATE with their friends. So, learn to bite your tongue, no matter how badly you want to be in control of homework and study time. I can vouch that Dr. Cline's method works. My kids all became responsible for their OWN work. Our oldest is making all "A's" in his 2nd year at UT Houston Med School, our 2nd oldest graduates from Texas A&M Corpus Christi in 2 weeks, 3rd is a freshmen in college, and our youngest, age 12, does his homework without any of us ever asking him about it or asking to check it. ((Knock on wood here.)) One final important rule of Dr. Cline's: When they do have to SUFFER a natural consequence - - DON'T RESCUE THEM by making false excuses to the teacher. And don't THROW IT IN THEIR FACE with something like, "I knew this would happen." Instead, respond with SINCERE EMPATHY. Example of sincere empathy: "OooooH, ouch, summer school. Bummer. I'd hate to have to go to school when all my friends were out having fun, skateboarding . . . going to the movies . . .going swimming . . . hanging out . . ."

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L.D.

answers from Dallas on

Since this has been an ongoing problem, I would ask the school to test your son for a learning disablity. Many kids will say the work is too easy, they are too lazy, or they will start losing the work - because they don't know how to do it. They see all their friends doing the work, and they don't know why it doesn't come so easy to him.

I would write a letter to the school principal, the student's teacher and the student's counselor them the permission to test your son to see if he has a learning disability, and to see if he qualifies for special education.

The sooner you do this the better.

L.

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S.T.

answers from Dallas on

The good news is that you have a great kid and you want to see him make the grades you know he can make. I think the UT tour is a wonderful idea for motivating him to try harder, but I am curious if he could be slightly depressed. As you say, the teenage years are hard, and I know I went from a fantastic student to a student who had to be spanked into turning in assignments. My mom was very ill during that time, and it was my only way to rebel. I'm not saying your son is depressed, by the way, just wondering if it is something you could look into.

On a happier note, while I never did work as hard as I should have in high school, I managed to graduate with good grades and get some wonderful scholarships. If it's a phase he's going through, he'll snap out of it in time to get the grades he needs in high school. If it's not, then maybe looking into it a bit more may get him on the right track.

Good luck to you!

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A.C.

answers from Dallas on

Dear E.,
I have no answers or true experience with what you're going through but I wanted to tell you about a fascinating experience I had just before Thanksgiving.

I volunteered to help with the Munger Place Free Clothing Exchange and got a chance to talk with the gal who organizes it after we cleaned the place up (see note below). It was fascinating to talk with her. She has severe learning disabilities although she's very intelligent. What she says is that the sooner you can get help the easier life will be. She has learned some coping strategies that help her. She didn't have just dislexia (that is, the "typical" LD), but something else that affected her perception and it got in the way of dealing with academics. It came to a crisis in 6th grade.

Often, kids that have a different mental approach to things will have excuses as to why they aren't thriving in academics, but they are just excuses. The type of learning changes in 6th grade - it goes from concrete to abstract. A kid who has learned the coping skills might be able to cover up his/her difficulties for yet another year. I really don't know anything about this - I'm just trying to tell you what I remember about the conversation.

My sister-in-law had such a hard time with her boy (later found out he had learning disabilities), that she went back to school for an advanced degree in learning disabilities and works in the Conroe area. Her son barely graduated (I think they didn't know if he was going to pass English until the last test was graded), but he did very well in some kind of advanced learning course after he joined the Marines. He hated school, but was very motivated in the Marines.

I don't know if this will help, all I know is that it was very interesting to talk with her and her mother.

I hope things work out.

A.

(The free clothing exchange: lots of work - hardly any volunteers - if anyone wants to help in half a year, please do! She organizes these events twice a year! Look up Munger Place Free Clothing Exchange on the web)

I came back to add another little note because of something that didn't fit. It's this - that he tells you that he didn't study hard or whatever. It seems to me that if he could do better, he would lie and say "Mom, I studied really hard" or "I forgot to turn in the paper" or whatever to protect himself. But if he doesn't know how to do XYZ then he would say "Oh, I just didn't try hard..." The lie would go the other direction, again to protect himself.
I think it was this part that triggered my response about the learning disability - it reminded me of something that Meredith had said about how she would try to protect herself early on.
Like a many faceted diamond, there is always another side to the story. My son also went through several periods of not turning in his homework at your son's age. Whenever he landed with a teacher that had a turn-in basket instead of asking for papers he would forget to turn in the homework. It seems he was too busy in his own mind to "hear" or remember the initial instructions on where to put the papers.

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B.F.

answers from Dallas on

Just a thought but last year we had a senior in high school and we went to a lot of college tours. It had a good effect on the then, 8th grader too. They stressed the importance of getting good grades. (UT now only HAS to accept the top 8% not 10%) All the while the youngest was apparently listening. He has been much more focused on doing his best and looking forward to college. Maybe, just maybe, you can try a positive reinforcement and try a UT tour. They get Mama deaf, you know! Don't even bring his grades up, they will do it. Just let him know how proud you are of him and what great potential he has at UT. Make it a great weekend around Austin. Have his teachers ask him about it, casually. Hope it helps!
B.

B.B.

answers from Salt Lake City on

You have just described my son. We struggled from Kindergarten on. We took some drastic measures his senior year and much to our surprise he graduated from high school and is now attending college. I wish I had learned what I did earlier. I think his high school days could have been much more enjoyable. But the truth is, he's doing well and he is grateful for all we did for him. I don't want to post personal details, but if you would like to contact me we could discuss this privately. He's a different kid--but in a good way. And we're all so much happier. He is confident, talented, and moving in a successful direction.

Good luck to you and your family.
www.thosecrazybeans.blogspot.com

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W.L.

answers from Dallas on

we are having a similar problem, our 7th grader has always gotten good grades, this year I want to pull out his hair and mine. On his progress report ha had no passing grades. Like you I try to keep on top of things but he simply does not turn in his work. He had a take home test that he did and I checked over that he simply did not turn in. He had two in class assignments on lab experiments that he did not pass his paper to the front when it was time to turn them in. He has always gotten good grades but never been a good student. All of his teachers say he is well behaved and pleasant to have in class but totally unfocused. He will get upper 90's and above on tests then turn in no home work and destroy his grades. All of the homework is done and in his binder he simply forgets to turn it in. It is driving me crazy. His teachers assure me it is 7th grade and he will get over it meanwhile I am tired of being grounded because if he can not go anywhere neither can we. I hope your problem gets better, I have no solution but you are not alone.

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M.A.

answers from Orlando on

Several years ago when I was still married to my now ex-husband, his 12 yr old niece came to visit for almost 3 weeks during the summer. We were aware that she wasn't doing well in school. She had always been labeled the one with common sense & not very smart. Well what I observed was that she was sharp as a whip. We had a friend that was a kindergarten teacher who offered to tutor her while she was in town. I also bought some workbooks from the dollar store & had her do lessons about 30 mins per day while she was here. The conclusion that the teacher & I came to was that she was very smart but not very confident. I flat out told her "You are not dumb, you are smart & aren't giving it your all". In her case she didn't believe in herself. She went back to school in the fall & her teacher praised her for the efforts she was making. She just needed encouragement & to be told that she was just as smart as her siblings. I don't know if this is the case with your son, but it wouldn't hurt to praise him more about how smart he is & maybe even hire a tutor to help him with his study habits. This would also relieve you(hiring a tutor) & take some of the pressure off from having to be on him constantly about his doing his work.

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M.L.

answers from Amarillo on

Me Too!! My daughter is in 7th grade same exact way!! She is almost 6ft tall and loves to play basketball but cant bacause of not turning in her work!! Her teachers are great and give her tooo many chances she takes advantage of it and I tell her next year they wont be soo leaneant!! I tell her she is the only one that can decide if she wants to graduate or not!! She is a beautiful young lady and has soo much potential shes tall and loves to draw her dream is to be a Professional Basketball Player and to Design her own clothes!! I told her she can be anything she wants to be as long as she puts her mind to it!! She has no motivation either in school or on the weekends just wants to sleep and eat!! Thats why I got on here to see if I could get some advice!! But I think Im going to try a family counslor and see what happens if I find anything I will let you know!! Eventhough I Dont know you I understand where you are coming from!! Hope you have a great Tuesday!!

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

I have a daughter in 9th grade. ( hgh school in Plano)

she is a good kid, no troubles with honors classes. She still does not have to study. I'm floored. She is busy with cheer and orchestra ( both with Pisd not outside district).

Our issue..... Runnng late!! I've learned... Stop nagging, she knows she's behind when she ge in the car and requests me to drive faster. I purposely drive slower becase " I'm not going to get a citation on the way to YOUR school because YOU run late.

Beleve me. It has worked. She got a couple of detentions ( which aren't as bad as they sound, but not good ) and she is learnng from someone " other than mom" that being late is BAD, dsrespectful and not respnsible.

This means a lot to her since she us of age for driver Ed except. She has to be respnsble FIRST!!

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K.G.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with Barbara. That was my initial thought, take him to UT and give him a visual (REAL) goal! Let him talk with an admissions counselor and get a feel for what he needs to do to be accepted into the school. Kids these days think they can "do whatever they want" because that's what everyone keeps telling them (even if you're not). They don't understand that you can't just "pay to go to college", you actually have to earn an entrance. I think if he has a goal in sight and encouragement (which it sounds like you are really there for him) then things might improve. I'm not at the teen years yet (boys 5 and 9), I'm sure I'll be asking lots of advice when that time comes! Good Luck!!!!!

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L.H.

answers from Abilene on

Elaine P gave you great advice. I second hers from experience. I also read "Bright Minds, Poor Grades" I can't remember who the author is and I'm not home where I can check it. If you stop taking resposibility, he'll have to. It's hard to watch sometimes, but in the end he will be much happier and so will you. His successes will be his as well.

Hang in there!
L.

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J.B.

answers from Dallas on

I hope it gets better soon. Our son who is in 4th grade had behavorial issues in K but we had him tested and he has some learning disabilities. He has been doing very well since he has been in specials and will probably test out next year. But he does have concentration issues still.

We have a daughter in 7th and an older son. Yes, the teenage years with the hormones are the pits.

Please keep posting about how going. Pray that it will be better for you soon.

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L.V.

answers from Dallas on

You've gotten some really great responses! I really like the UT tour idea, and also that he may be a little bit depressed or have some confidence issues.

Also, though, perhaps you could try a problem-solving session with him. Maybe you could sit down with him and ask him what he thinks the issues are, why he thinks he isn't getting good grades. I know he will tell you he doesn't make an effort, but see if he can figure out/will tell you why.

Then, maybe you can come up with some motivations and some consequences together. Clearly, restriction isn't working, so maybe if he has a hand in the process, he'll be more invested in the outcome. You sound like a great mom, so I'm sure you'll be able to solve it together! Good luck!

Edit: He also sounds like he could have some ADD. I know you've had him tested, but he may have the inattentive type, where he isn't hyperactive but he still doesn't have the attention span/organizational details in class. I speak from experience... that's what I have. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about the specifics. Good luck!

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