I Was Not Invited to My Best Friend’s Baby Shower, I'm Crushed, How Do I Move
July 06, 2011
Santa Barbara, CA
Hello Mamapedia Community,
I have an odd thing that just occurred and I could use support so I thought I would see what type of advice I receive here.
I just discovered that I was not invited to my best friend’s (since we’ve been ages 12 - 41 years old) baby shower. I am heartbroken and so confused. We have always been close. I would even say that she is a great friend to me except for what I just discovered. We speak regularly and have shared all stages of our life from Jr. High to College to now.
We’ve traveled Europe together, even loaned her $10k at one time in our lives (she did pay me back) and she is a person who I would want to always “have a key” to any home I have. We always speak on the phone and I never imagined that anything is/was wrong.
She shared news that she was expecting with me as soon as she knew. This is a person who I had as a beneficiary on my equities. I am not speaking about an acquaintance here.
When she shared that she was expecting I wanted to extend a “shower type” gesture and suggested we arrange a nice lunch at an upscale restaurant to celebrate her joyous occasion. When this conversation occurred, I inquired if her family was doing anything and she brushed over it with a “yeah” but did not share a date or an invitation. So I just kind of kept waiting to receive an invitation but deep inside sensed the odd response. I have shared holidays with these people. I also need to add that I have not done anything wrong to her or her family. I thought we were all amicable.
I can only imagine that she excluded me because she may want to invite another high school friend who had an awkward ending to our relationship some twenty odd years ago. However, if this was the case, I would have been able to become reacquainted with out a fuss.
So time passed and we had our lunch with another friend at an upscale ocean view restaurant and I gifted her four nice infant outfits nicely & lovingly wrapped. She invited me to stay the night as her husband was out of town and I gladly accepted. When I was in her home, the baby shower invitation was on her refrigerator. I was crushed but did not address it and just painfully let the evening go by and left the next day. On my drive home I had to pull over and vomit because I know that everything is changed and different. I lost my best friend. It is just not possible to have a best friend who excludes you from a baby shower.
I can appreciate advice that I need to call her. I also do not think “lost in the mail” holds water. Was not lost in the mail. But I feel that on some level she must know that I saw the invite on the refrigerator and it is just such an odd thing. Yes, I am sad and carrying this upset feeling and the mature thing to do I suppose is speak to her about it.. but gosh, I just am so miffed. I really can not think of a good reason to have not included me.
Anyway.. any shared insights are appreciated. Thanks.
Thanks so much for your input. You were all right. I decided to ask her via an email and it turns out it was a family only shower thrown by her mom. In my own mind this really never occured to me.
You were all right and did help me reach out. I assumed this whole story and made myself sick for 72 hours for what turns out to be nothing. Well mostly nothing.. I still think it is odd that the invite was on the fridge and she never thought to say anything.. oh well.
I am relieved that my imagined scenario was not reality but to me it hijacked my thoughts.
Thanks again. I'm glad that I did not lose my best friend.
Ask her. I can think of a million good reasons you were not invited including the fact that it was family only. I have had occasions like that where my families behavior and/or personal needs dictated that I NOT invite others out of respect for the people outside of my family. I cannot imagine that this is a way anyone would want to get rid of a friend of 17 years. Also try to cut her some slack if this really is an oversight. I stopped at 2 kids because of how profoundly forgetful I got with each pregnancy
the only way to resolve this is to communicate - as you would with anyone else....
I'm sorry that this has happened. I truly am - but you are not in high school anymore and you are a grown woman...so instead of ignoring it - address it...tell her you saw the invitation and how you are feeling...
Again - the only way to resolve it and find out what is going on is to communicate to HER!!!
You CAN do it!!! I hope it's a misunderstanding...I hope you will be able to move past this and enjoy the friendship again!!
There could be any number of reasons why you were not invited and you will never know what they are unless you ask. She may not like many of the people there, she may be having more than one, she might not have had control of the invites, she may have considered the lunch/gift/night over as more important than the shower because it was a more intimate event.
If you don't ask, you will just harbor ill will and could lose a freindship. It is possible there is something wrong but not asking won't fix that either.
Since finding out that it was a family-only affair, have you considered throwing her a surprise friends-only shower? I think you almost owe it to her for doubting your friendship to the point of making you sick, before even asking her about it.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but wow, you're such a "girl" as my husband would say. If I saw it, I would probably wait until I could be cool about it, but then just say "Hey, this may or may not be stupid, but it's bothering me and I just want to make sure that we're still good, or if I've offended someone, because I noticed that invitation and didn't get one. Your friendship means a lot to me and I don't want all my "what if's" to mess that up."
I had a friend who I love very much just blurt out something over lunch one day, a strange request but it regarded something that was hurtful to her. I didn't realize it was hurtful to her, and fixed the situation immediately. Noone wants to hurt their friends. It might be awkward (ours was regarding an old friend from 20 years ago that hurt my friend badly, but I didn't know it was still an issue after all those years...). Just be honest and nonconfrontational and get it dealt with. A 29 year relationship is worth WAY more than a stupid baby shower. (I detest all showers anyway, lol).
Is the baby shower passed?? Maybe you were invited, but it was lost in the mail? When feelings are hurt, sometimes you read more into things then are really there. "FEELINGS ARE REAL, JUST NOT ALWAYS TRUE"
If it was passed, you really need to address it with your friend. Not in a mean get back at her attitude, but a sincere truth. Get to the bottom of the confusion. Hope your relationship with your friend connect the way it was! :-)
Why not just save yourself the stress and hurt by asking her?
If you are best friends and so close its sad that you cant be honest with each other. She might have a perfectly good reason for not inviting you, and then again there might not be. Either way you have to ask her. Its the only way you are going to feel okay again.
If it is about that old High School friend then tell her that you can and will be civil and its sad that she thought that you wouldnt be. Tell her your feelings are hurt and that you hope that you can get past this, and that you are still friends.
It would be a shame if your close friendship got thrown away because neither one of you made the initiative to talk and put it in the open.
A similar thing happened to me when I was in college. My "best" friend handed out invitations to some people whose addresses she didn't have in one of our classes. I assumed mine would come in the mail. It didn't and I was so hurt. I didn't buy her a wedding gift.
Our friendship continued for many years after. I should have asked her about it at the time. The invitation was probably lost in the mail. She was probably also hurt because I didn't show up or buy her a gift.
So get up the nerve and ask!
I would just call and say "hey, you are about due and was wondering if you're having a shower as i'd love to attend" and see what she says. Maybe you got an invite sent to you but it was lost in the mail? If she says anything other than "OMG, I sent out invites a week ago, you should have gotten it by now!!" then you have a problem. I would then wait until after the baby was born and call her out on it. Say something like, I don't understand why I would not have been invited and it really hurt my feelings. You should be able to be honest with her. Then take it from there but be prepared that you may need to change your beneficiary on everything as she may not be the friend you thought she was. Good luck!
If it's upsetting you (which it clearly is) TALK TO HER.
Not to invalidate your feelings in any way, but I want to offer a bit of perspective you may not have considered.
If she was trying to HIDE the shower from you she would not have had the invite on her fridge. It is actually RUDE to invite people to more than one shower (since the entire point of a shower is to shower the person with gifts). You threw her a small shower of your own and KNEW that her family was throwing a shower and didn't ask for details. She probably figured you didn't WANT to come, and it actually would have been tacky to ask you to come when you were already throwing her the lunch.
Call your friend. Tell her how you feel (without jumping all over her.. she's pregnant after all). I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you.
Friends from 12-29yrs, I think you should talk to her, let her know how you feel. She could have put it on the table expecting to mail it and never did. She could have thought she didn't need to "invite" you because you are already "expected" to come...you send invitations to people you don't usually know that well, so you will not know for sure unless you ask.
She invited you to her house, surely means she still considers you her best friend...
Call her. Tell her that you were getting worried not having received an invitation yet, and would love to know when and where the baby shower is. Then go from there. You're making a lot of assumptions based on not knowing all of the facts, but certain that you have them, and you're shredding yourself to pieces. You really don't know that you've "lost your best friend" or that you were intentionally left out of her baby shower. So call her or whomever is throwing the shower. Put on your best happy voice and just do it.
Just call her and ask her, in a non-confrontational way, say you noticed the invite on the fridge door. It's probably just a family shower or something. Instead of being hurt and confused by your close friend, put your mind at ease by simply asking her. :)
You have to talk to her. If she's your best friend, then there shouldn't be any subject that you can't discuss with her. Just tell her that you saw the invitation and you are hurt that you weren't invited. Ask what's going on. You don't have to be accusatory. After all, she's probably not the one that planned the shower. Maybe it's a family only shower. You don't know unless you ask!
well... it may have been family only... or work colleagues- who knows.
The host or hostess usually sends out the invitations anyways, and if it was a surprise baby shower she may not have even known that you weren't invited (and might have received the invitation has a keepsake at the shower).
Who knows what happened? well- she does... So ask her! Goodness, it is just a baby shower, and it seems that there is never a party or occasion that goes on without SOMEONE getting upset, hurt, or offended. I have planned baby showers, bridal showers and weddings and unfortunately special occasions always have something going on "behind the scenes"...
I am sure she didn't purposefully hurt your feelings. There is probably a reason... maybe you were invited but the hostess screwed up the address? There are tons of factors in planning even the smallest event.
SO... relax... and don't sign off on your friendship over a silly baby shower. If she didn't want you around or appreciate you she wouldn't be inviting you over for a sleepover! I am pregnant with my second baby and all MY friends are hurt that I didn't have a baby shower! well....
If you really want to be at her shower, throw her another one and invite all the friends you two share! Obviously you have plenty of special memories together in the past... so create more! Some people get a baby shower with just family, and a "work" shower, and a "friends" shower... so you are not limited to getting just one! Keep in mind all these details are really up to the HOSTESS (or host) - not the guest of honor. Your not a very committed freind if this is IT for your relationship!
It is possible that her family did not address the invitation correctly? ONe of my friends called me frantic asking why she didn't get her invitation to my baby shower. My sister swears she sent it but somehow it never made to my friend. She is your close friend. Call her! Ask what's up!
If she has been your bestie for 30 years then you should have ZERO problem just asking her about it. Don't get yourself to the point of throwing up when you don't even really know what's going on. Talk to your friend.
This is not something you should be getting yourself so upset that you get sick. If my friend of 10 plus years had an baby shower invitation on her fridge, I would ask her what this was for, and how nice it is that her family is throwing her a party. That way, she knows you saw it, and will probably give you some kind of an answer. It's a non -confrontational way to approach her about it. I don't think she is mad at you or anything, if she was , I doubt she would invite you to stay the night with her or go to lunch or whatever. It could just be an intimate family get together..
Yes, it is possible to have a best friend that excludes you. However, there might have been good reasons. My baby shower was immediate family only, no friends at all. I imagine if my best friend had seen the invitation, that she would have been hurt. It could have been a baby shower someone else hosted and only so many people are invited. She could be having another shower, that you will be invited to. Listen, you can't get melodramatic and start puking on the side of the road, without some facts!! The truth is you DON'T know her reasons, feelings, and situation...until you ask. You are speculating the end of your friendship, and have no grounds to believe the friendship is over. It's a baby shower. Some people don't find them to be a big deal. I sure didn't. You need to talk to her, instead of stewing over the perceived demise if your friendship.
Do you have other friends and family you are close with? It seems a lot of energy is placed in this one relationship, I wonder if you aren't lacking real relationships outside of her?
1) People don't usually throw their own showers. Would she even know you weren't invited?
1.5) Many people have multiple showers. The family shower. The coworker shower. The besty mate shower. The acquaintance shower. Since you not only went to one of those already but HOSTED it, many people would consider it the height of rudeness to invite you to #s 2/ 3/ 4/ etc. Even if she didn't, whomever is hosting it might.
2)You're willing to throw away a 30 year friendship over an invitation to a baby shower??? 30 years. And she's had you involved with the pregnancy from day 1. Honey. That's not 'damage done'... that's cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Is there something else going on in your life that is skewing things? This seems like a massive over reaction.
Goodness, I felt so sad for you just reading your post, then saw your "What Happened." So happy for you that it was all a misunderstanding. Aren't you glad you asked?! I daresay so many friendships end because people are too reticent to really find out what is going on. Good for you -- yay!
I'm so sorry! :( No excuses will make it better or probably will make your pain go away but have you sat down and talked with her about why you weren't invited and asked her what you could of possibly done wrong. ( Although I doubt it was something like that!) Or maybe the invite got lost in mail or she forgot to mail. I don't know...That's all I can think of. :(
I had the opposite situation with my best friend. I invited her to my baby shower and she never showed up or anything. That same included when came to my bridal shower. Never bought gifts for either occasion (not that I was out for that obviously.) and when she was my maid of honor since made her that before bridal shower came and didn't want to boot her and have to make someone else her title, she didn't do anything but help pick out the style of bridesmaid dresses and wasn't there much but for a presence for actual day and I had another bridesmaid do the toast since she didn't "want' to do it. (no joke)
Her and i haven't been as close since although i do still talk to her yet. I don't know sometimes why but I do. I have no other advice for you but wanted to let you know that although my story is opposite of yours, that I understand and kinda know how you feel. Even need to talk or vent feel free to message me!
I understand your friendship unlike some of the others on here. I pretty much grew up my with my best friend. We were like family- just like you and yours. I'm sure you have other friends (as do I) but no one can replace her or what you two have, so of course you put a lot of energy into your friendship!
Happened to me. Then I found out it was a small family shower. Felt
better. Is that a possibility? Whatever the reason, do not let it ruin your
friendship. Life is way to short to get upset about these things.
I feel really bad for you. But at the end of the day, if you are losing sleep over this then you got to pick up the phone and just call her. Think about it if you are truly best friends what is there to hide? If your feelings are hurt tell her. I know it’s hard to have these kinds of talks with anyone. Why don’t you start by saying…hey the other day I noticed at your house a baby shower invitation for you was on your fridge? Who’s throwing that for you? I would have loved to throw you one myself.
I hope you do have that uncomfortable talk soon and please let us all know how it goes.
I actually ran into this problem with my second baby. My friend's planned a baby shower for me and invited everyone they thought I wanted to be there. They forgot several people I would have liked to be there but did not find out until the baby shower was canceled due to illness in the family. I personally called everyone I had thought to call and apologize and found out that they had not been invited. Who is throwing the baby shower? Does she know you weren't invited? I know I didn't know everyone that was invited and my friend's assumed they had the whole guest list. I would ask because it it definitely something to give up a friendship over. It she the one in charge of taking the RSVPs. Maybe nonchalantly ask her "I meant to ask earlier if you were having a baby shower?" That might get her thinking that you weren't invited. Find out more.
I have to agree with the others. If you truly are the best of friends, I don't understand why you just can't ask her. Being best friends isn't always easy but you have to be honest about your feelings and you must be able to talk to each other, even when its not easy. I don't see why (as you said) "It is just not possible to have a best friend who excludes your from an baby shower", that just seems trivial to me. If she did truly not invite you and you truly are a best friend to her, then you need to respect her choice and get over it. The shower was about her not you. If this little thing can make you walk away from a friend then you weren't that great of a friend to begin with.
I am sorry to sound harsh, but I have seen so mony friendships/relationships end because the parties involved only saw things through their own eyes and lived miserably in their own assumptions.
If her family is throwing the shower, they may have decided that it was a "relatives only" thing. I know several families who have what I feel are very wierd boundaries, and will not invite friends to family functions, because they want it to be "just us."
Ask your friend about it. There may be an explanation that you had not thought of.
Blessings to you! I hope you can move past this in whatever way necessary with the least possible pain.
I have a best friend like yours (we've been closer than sisters as children from age 11). I wasn't invited to her wedding! It might seem weird to you but (despite feeling hurt when I found out) it hasn't changed our friendship at all. She had a second "reception" that my family and I were invited to and (in her mind) there was no issue! I suspect your friend felt that having time with you in the restaurant and sleeping over more than made up for not inviting you to the baby shower. I'm now 43 years old and my friend recently turned 44. We only see each other a couple of times a year but I know that I can count on her should I ever really need her (and vice-versa). The best advice I can give you is to continue to cherish the time you have together and ignore the whole "baby shower fiasco". A couple of years after the fact my friend mentioned in passing that she was sorry I couldn't be at her wedding. Her father paid for everything and the only friend that joined them was there because she took the wedding video! :)
I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you seem to have articulated your feelings very clearly in your post. I would set up a time to meet and discuss this face to face and without distractions, if possible.
I was not invited to any of my best friend's baby showers. I think it was because the organizer does not get along with me... but I'm not sure. We are really different people... there are times I have not invited her to things as well...
The road is long, and bumpy and imperfect. I am deeply grateful for her life-long friendship. There are lots of things you just have to let go of along the way.
I can appreciate that you are sad. For your own sake you really need to address it just so that you can either say good bye to the friendship (which I don't know is necessary) or to better understand what is going on. I personally had 3 different showers. Not everyone was invited to all and I am certain if anyone knew of the others, they may have been upset to have not been invited..but that would have been the wrong interpretation. I am hopeful that your interpretation is possibly wrong but in the event that it is not, isn't it important to understand why? I mean, you can say up and down that you have never done anything or that there is nothing other than the awkward friend, but I am sure that there are people in my life that have maybe done things that hurt me or upset me that I simply chose to not bring up but just let things go..to this day they may not know that I was ever upset. Just talk to her if she really is your best friend. If it's a relationship that you cherish, why not fight to make it work...
Don't send her a screen shot. If its important enough for you to address, it should be addressed in person or at least over the phone.
I will say that I had different groups offering showers and it was weird to balance. My boss through a shower and invited managers but not my staff (not my assistant). Another friend threw a shower but then the assistant again was not invited because my friend assumed they would do something at work.
I just say this because its not always intentional and its not always in the mother's control. But I can tell you're really, really hurt and you should reach out to your friend and ask about it.
You gave her several gifts when out to eat, and she probably thinks it would be rude to invite you to another shower and expect another gift. just ask her if she intended to ask you or not. She probably wasnt in charge of addressing invites and maybe the person who did them got it wrong.
So glad to hear that this was mostly a misunderstanding. The bummer thing, of course, is that your instincts are probably correct in that she knew that you weren't invited to her "family" shower but didn't say anything to you first (or even directly). In any case, although you may consider her to be your BFF, the feeling may not be mutual and she may have a lot of good friends in addition to you. I apologize for sounding a bit harsh. But, she may also have felt some stress about not including you since she may have decided to include other friends. it may be time for you to expand your "friend horizons." Best wishes.
I agree with those who say just ask her. Pick up the phone and just say "something has been bothering me. I didn't get an invite to your baby shower and was wondering why. Is it a family affair or something?"
I can't imagine not being able to ask my best friend that simple question. If you can't then maybe you really aren't that great of friends.
Or is she waiting for you to host a shower? And if you're not, why not? There's still time probably.
If she really is your best friend, you should be able to talk to eachother about anything. Call her and tell her that you are so hurt! Ask her why you weren't invitied. See what she says. Sorry this happened to you.