I Want to Move but My Husband Doesnt.

Updated on April 22, 2013
G.K. asks from Ballwin, MO
18 answers

So here is the issue. I am about 2 months pregnant and we have a 3 yr old daughter. We are currently living in St. Louis and with his mom. We have been having the hardest time getting out of this hole since he lost his job. Well my grandparents are offering to pay for us to move out there in Tehachapi CA which is my home and I would love to move back. They are getting very old and I would love to spend time with them before they go anyways since they practically raised me. I want to go so bad but he doesn't because he doesn't want to live with my grandparents to a couple of weeks. I'm having a really hard time because I just feel like I need to go. I'm so unhappy here and everything we try fails. I don't want to leave him because he is a fantastic husband and father and we love him so much. I also don't want to take our daughter away from him for a really long period of time, But I don't know what to do. I cant stay here or i'm going to go crazy but I don't want to leave him.. what should I do? i'm so torn.

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So What Happened?

Okay so I obviously left out huge details. We are BOTH working out here. and We are both miserable. I am not going to leave him especially permanently I am not that selfish and would not do that to my daughter. I realize I am very hormonal and just needed to vent. What is going to happen is my daughter and I are going to go and take a long trip to see them before I get to far a long and cant. I will come back and we will go from there. I realized I need to clear my head of things and moving so suddenly in not the answer. But we BOTH agreed on moving back home once I come back. So thank you all for the advice it really helped me. Sorry I left out such big details.

Featured Answers



answers from Chicago on

I don't see how running home to expensive California is going to solve anything. The cost of living there is ridiculous.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

Can either one of you find a job there? If you want to move, then at least one of you should have a job in the new location wherever it is.

4 moms found this helpful

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answers from San Francisco on

As a grown woman with a husband, child and a baby on the way you can't really think about going back home anymore, you are beyond that. Besides, what kind of work opportunities are there in a little town like that?
Go visit your grandparents, for sure spend some time with them, but don't burden them with the responsibility of taking on your family. It's YOUR job now, and your husband's, to figure out a plan to support your growing family.
Maybe your grandparents would be willing to gift or loan you some money, just enough for a deposit and first month's rent on your own place, so you no longer have to live with your MIL.
And if you aren't working now, maybe you can find something part time, evenings and weekends, to supplement your husband's income without incurring any daycare costs.
I just don't see how running away is going to help anything, at least not in the long term, and I'm sure your husband wouldn't allow you to take his children so far away from him anyway.
This is a time to remember your marriage vows and be responsible for your kids.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Why are you unhappy? Is it because you are living with your mother-in-law, or is there more to it than that?

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

So... help me understand your current situation:
- Two children to feed/shelter/support
- NO income? No insurance?
- You love your husband and he's a good husband and father
- Your grandparents are aging and have offered to pay for you to move back to CA

What should you do? One of you needs to get a job NOW. Don't pick up and move. Where will you live? With your grandparents? How will either of you get a job? Can your grandparents afford to pay your bills, feed your children, shelter you?

My guess is that you have told them how unhappy you are and their knee-jerk reaction is to have you "come home". You aren't going to like this response, but this is not the time to go crawling back home 1/2 way across the country. They are likely on a fixed income, which isn't going to include the needs of a family of 4.

Unless he has a job line-up in California, then you will be living with them for 6 months or longer. CA is very expensive and you have NO INCOME to contribute to the household.

Stay where you are. Obviously you are at least fed and sheltered there. He needs to get some form of income, even if he hates the job. Grow up (both of you) and find a way to support your family without moving across the country, which you cannot afford to do right now. Moving is VERY expensive and I assure you that your grandparents are speaking with their hearts, not with their pocketbooks.

Now, if your grandparents are wealthy and have empty condo and cash to support you for six months... go for it!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

He has no job and wants you to stay living with his parents? He needs to compromise here. The job market may be better in CA. And how is living with your grandparents worse then living with his parents? It sounds like you need to find some common ground, but in the end you have to do what will be best for you and the children.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Are your gp going to pay for your own home out in CA? He's lost his job, you don't work and you are having a hard time finding a job. Seems like a reasonable excuse to move. I can't understand if you are just moving from his mom's to your grandparent's home. You still don't have jobs.

Basically, you need to be on the same front. Work it out and have an open mind for both places and then determine which place is best for your family. If you guys find a job in a completely different place, go for that! But just because he doesn't want to move is not a reason to leave. If you just want to visit gp but he doesn't then I'd go, as a visit... not as a place to call home. You are still with him in the end. Seems like there is so much more to why you don't want to be in St Louis because currently there is no reason to move back. Kind of reminds me of people who remember exes and think things are better with them. Except with you it's a place. That place may not be the same as it was when you were a child. Not to mention that although it is "home" to you, you are now displacing your husband from his "home". The key is to make some place "our home" rather than think of things as where either of you grew up.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I understand that you feel torn, but I think one of the reasons is that you're making the decision sort of backwards.

What one or both of you need -- ASAP -- is a job. It could be in MO, or CA, or Timbuktu, but you need to get on your own two feet. Unfortunately, pregnant women do face employment discrimination, so it may be harder -- though not impossible -- for you to job-search than for him to do so.

IF he's actively job-searching, then it may be a little unfair for you to push a move all the way out to CA, especially if he doesn't have contacts or networks out there. If he's NOT getting out there and pounding the pavement, then you may have more of a case for going, but the decision driver should be your collective employment situation, not whose house you're going to live in.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

He's a "fantastic husband."

A fantastic father, too.

You "love him so much."

Yet you are actually considering leaving him.

Is it him you want to leave, or your mother-in-law and her home? Is it him you want to leave, or the situation of his being unemployed?

As someone else noted-- the post does give an impression that you are young and (I'm guessing here) not very experienced. If you can step back from your emotions, and think about yourself and your husband as adults and not think about any issues you have with his mother--can you see that you are frustrated with the situation, and not with your husband himself?

Can you separate those two things and realize that if you leave, you are trashing a marriage (because leaving will do just that) because you chose feeling safe and comfortable and looked after, rather than choosing the hard work of sticking with him and your children?

Do you want to be pregnant and divorced, with your soon-to-be-ex preparing to fight you for custody?

That is where you could be headed. It would be so comfortable and safe to run back home. But grown-ups don't do that. If the REAL issue is living with his mother -- then you and he need to discuss that, and not dance around it because you're afraid you'll offend him or because he's sensitive about not having a job. Living with his mother may not be great. You may indeed need to move, but not necessarily to where you'll be coddled and cared for. You may need to move to where the jobs are.

And....if he doesn't want to go to CA because "he doesn't want to live with my grandparents for a couple of weeks" -- what are you both thinking? That you'd live with the grandparents a few weeks while you find another place? You'll end up living with the grandparents much, much longer if you go to CA without one of you having a job--or both of you having jobs, because CA is expensive.

Please find a way to step back from the emotion and look at this objectively instead of going with your gut that is telling you to run home and be safe and get away from your mother-in-law. This is about the real world and the hard stuff -- jobs, money in the bank, and living quarters, as well as insurance (you do have a baby coming) and the rest of your lives. If you leave, you will have traded many decades of what could be a good marriage in exchange for spending the rest of your life wondering why you ran home when times got tough.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

If and when one of you finds a job...anywhere and have enough money to successfully move then do so. Its hard to live with the inlaws but you have to have a plan before leaving a roof over your head. How long with your grandparents. What is your job plan? Are there jobs around the area you want to move? If the grandparents pass how do u survive? I get i never would wish a long term inlaw stay but homeless is worse here or cali.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

it sounds as if you're wanting to move from one dependent situation to another one.
moving because the job market is better there would be a fantastic reason to move. moving because you've got another place to crash is not.
is there something about st louis that he loves, or does he just want to stay because he's not working and his mother is supporting his family?
i'd go visit the grandparents, but not plan on moving there unless you guys scope out the area, and find jobs AND a place to live on your own.
i totally get why you're not happy where you are, but if you light out with your kids and leave your husband, who will support you then?
you can't make emotion-based passive decisions. you've got kids, you have to act like adults.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

hon i'm sorry but if you haven't gotten back on your feet, there's no way you are going to only live with your grandparents for a couple of weeks. on top of his unemployment, you are going to add another baby to the mix very soon. do really think things will be so much better?

if you haven't managed to get back on your feet where you are, moving is not going to change things.

i think that you are portraying yourself as very young and naive- and yes, homesick. which we all understand. my suggestion is tackle this employment problem and your marriage issues. you and hubby need to work together as a team or nothing will ever be resolved. stop focusing on the greener grass. your own grass would be just as green if you'd water it....

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I think that if he can find a job in that area he'll be more likely to go. Why would he want to go where there are millions of people looking for all the same jobs. He may need to move somewhere else if he's offered a different job.

I think you do have valid concerns about spending time with your grandparents. Go for vacation before you get to much further along. Then see if he's at all interested in filling out some applications while you're there.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

No matter how much you love CA and want to return it is not the same place you left. Things change as do people. You could go visit the grandparents for three weeks and then come home.

Marriage means that you leave and cleave to one another and not to any others. You two have to make this work for your family. It is not the MIL or the grandparents responsibility to care for you it is your own responsibility. If you can find work then find it and stop complaining. You have to do what you have to do when you are married to provide for the family. A job is a job. It is easier to get another job once you have the first. In this market if you don't have a job potential employers are not interested in you and your qualifications. Hence we have the long term unemployed folks. There are also other factors (won't go into them here).

So girlfriend it is time to put on your big girl panties and go forward. As they say, "You made your bed, now lay in it." Time to be adults and make it work.

Good luck to you. Find something nice that you like in the area and go from there. There has to be something that you like in the area and can do it. Even if it is just going to the park for fresh air.

the other S.

PS There was a time when I wanted to leave my husband but several women pointed out all of what I had as to what I didn't and wouldn't have. Time to communicate better to each other and put a plan in place otherwise you will regret your move for the rest of your life.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

I do think you need a place of your own, but I also think it is okay that he doesn't want to live with your grandparents or move all the way to CA.

Maybe your grandparents will help you out to find a place somewhere you can both agree upon.

Leaving him would be an extreme overreaction to not getting your way. Legally, you can be prevented from taking his child so far away (and the same goes for him) so really, moving to CA without him isn't even a practical option.

Marriage requires compromise, so that is what you two need to do.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Would you or hubby be able to find work in Tehachapi? It's not very big. I would check that out and if you find that there are jobs in hubby's field, use that to try to convince him that you should go. IMHO, there is probably not much work there and you might be better off staying where you are.

Maybe you can see if your grandparents would pay for an extended trip so you and your DD can go visit for a month or so.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Boston on

What are they offering to pay for? DP on a house? Get jobs first.



answers from Kansas City on

"Home" is where your husband and children are. Are there a lot of job opportunities in Tehachapi? I just found it on google and it looks like it's in the middle of nowhere. I don't blame you for not wanting to live with your in-laws forever--who would?? But, I think you need to find a job first and let that dictate where you live. And, you're probably a little hormonal, too. Please don't consider leaving him if he's fantastic! Good luck!!

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