I Want to Be a Good Grammy...... but I'm Stuck on This One.

Going from 1 kid to 3 kids of varying ages is a BIG change - and it's a lot more for you to do and way more exhausting.
What I'd do is watch them all but less often.
Since it's a lot more work for you, you need to cut back until you reach a new comfortable level.
That way being with all the kids is still fun and not 'a job'.
The child you've watched since birth is getting older and it's good he get use to other sitters besides you.

You are simply a LOVELY grandma. What a big heart you have.

I'd have everyone over to dinner, and afterwards sit down with all of the parents and talk over your concerns. Let them know that you love them all, and the grandkids, so much, but you're being stretched thin. You need to work out a solution that will allow you to enjoy being grandma, still help everyone out, and won't put any strain on relationships. I think that everyone will understand. It might seem like the fair thing "if you watch one, you watch all," but it's not ideal or fair for grandma because you simply can't handle them all at the same time ALL the time, no matter HOW much you love them.

Holy Cow Grandma, I was exhausted after reading this!! You work as a nurse AND take care of your 18 month old grandson every chance you get AND keep him overnight once a week AND are now caring for your other grandkids that have recently moved to town, WOW.

I think no matter what you decide to do you need to make sure the one person who is really being considered and taken care of is YOU. Make a real effort to have special time with the 4 year old and 18 month old while keeping the bond with your other grandson, but maybe back off on the actual childcare.

M

We don't live close enough to grandparents for them to watch our kids regularly. However, IF we lived close and IF I worked, I would never expect my mom or my MIL to be 'daycare'. Date night? yes. Doctor's appointment? Yes. Full time? NEVER. It's not fair to you. You're not getting a chance to be just grandma. You're the babysitter. Yes, daycare is expensive, but millions of parents figure it out. Time for your kids to do the same.

i could not disagree more with all the 'you have to do for all what you do for one' posts. fairness is important (but even then flexible and must bend to common sense) for parents, but grandparents are not bound by the same rules. your daughter's and step-son's families and needs are different, and for you to run yourself ragged trying to be 'fair' to everyone is ridiculous and unsustainable.
you've got to put yourself first here. being a terrific grandparents means boundaries just like parenting does, and you've got to be firm about what you can and cannot accommodate.
and your deal with your daughter came first. it's not a blood thing, it's a schedule and necessity thing. it's great to help out while they job hunt, but it needs to be on your schedule if you're the one being tapped for it. three kids is a lot. only do that on special occasions.
and there's nothing wrong with building the relationship with your new grandkids on a different track from nurturing the long-standing relationship you've got with your daughter's child.
i think you can simply be warm, pleasant and firm about this. 'moe and mona, we're THRILLED that you've moved here and that we can all get closer as a family! and i'd love to help you out while you job hunt. now, because i also work and don't have the energy of you young 'uns, we'll need to be judicious about scheduling this. i watch lilianna on monday, wednesday and fridays, and it's more than i can handle to do all three on all those days. i do have tuesday afternoons free, and this coming saturday, if that helps. i can even take yours along with lily for a couple of hours late wednesday afternoon. will that help? oh darn, you have an interview this monday afternoon? i know a terrific college student you can call.'
be positive and helpful, but don't feel as if the solutions are all yours to find.
good luck, grammy!
khairete
S.

I am probably the only one who feels this way but it's your stepson. Did you raise him? Does he feel like you're his mother? What your relationship with him is like seems important to me in deciding if it al has to be equal.

My mother was wonderful to watch my two kids. However, she only watched them as a backup to fulltime daycare. When they were sick and could not go, she would help out so that I didn't have to miss work.

THIS is the kind of babysitting that you should be doing. NOT being a free babysitter. DIL has a job - she needs to find childcare for that child. Tell SS that you cannot continue to watch fulltime, that they need other arrangements.

You need to be the BACKUP for all three. That is fair and equitable. Like Dana says, you have raised your kids already.

I think grandmas are for spoiling, not babysitting. The occasional sleep over, the occasional all day play date, yes, But the babysitter?

I'd stop babysitting all of them and start enjoying your down time. Let their parents raise their own kids.

You have absolutely no obligation to watch the new grandchildren. You had an arrangement in place that worked - one grandchild. You should offer to do the occasional sleepover with the new ones - IF you can manage the 18 month and 4 year old together comfortably. And you should spend time with the new ones - WITH their parents.

You raised your kids already. Grandparents are NOT free childcare and it is a HUGE imposition to expect to pawn off two kids to you when simply because you are already watching one. If there seems to be a 'fairness' issue - I would get out of the childcare business completely (let both families manage their own childcare issues) and simply be the grandparent.

If SS is still looking for a job, then he is available to watch his own kids other than interviews or MAYBE a day of serious online searching here and there (otherwise he can do that around his wife's schedule, right?).
So why would you have them all right now at the same time.
If daughter has backup, work with her to get a PT plan in place for you & your grandson.
Weekly sleepovers? That's awfully generous. I'd shoot for 1 per months with each kids' kids!

I'm amazed at how much you are doing with your grandchildren and how much you are helping their parents. How wonderful of you to step up. However, at no point should this come between you and a peaceful life. If you can only handle one child, tell them that. If you can take the other grandchildren for a few hours every other weekend, that is a huge help to parents. You shouldn't be expected to care for all three. Also, I'm not sure if you were watching all three for hours on end, while they looked for jobs? If so, I'd stop that right away. If they are looking for jobs, they should only need help from you or a babysitter here and there for interviews, not all day care. If you have them all day, it sounds like they are taking advantage. Finding a job is time consuming yes, but a lot can be done online and when children are sleeping or occupied. As a parent who had no family in town for the first 10 years, we find a way to make things happen. Don't feel guilty that you have limitations. Also, I get the feeling you are doing what you can to bond with your new grands and I agree that a little more quality time with just the two of them might be nice, so you don't feel overwhelmed. Three is a handful!

Well going from 1 (where you can still get out, do errands, and get stuff done around house) to 3 which is more like a daycare ... is a big difference.

My mom looked after my sister's baby and loved it. She took the baby out with her friends, to get groceries, baby napped twice during the day - my mom still had her life.

As more grandkids came along, she cut back her hours. So she did part time.

It worked for her. She also did one on one time (as you do with sleepovers) alternating kids.

Could you suggest that?

For my mom, it was the best of both worlds.

Not sure if you can manage that (you said your daughter has backup) but that's one possible solution.

My mom put herself first though ... she only did what she enjoyed doing. She'd been a mother for years .. this was her time to enjoy grandkids.

Good luck :)

You have had this arrangement with your daughter for a while. It is what it is. You would be more than happy to help out and certainly have the kids over to visit or overnights, but at this point of your life, you just cannot keep up with three little ones. I do not think any other explanation is necessary. It is a tough spot, but you come first. You do what works for you.

Do they expect you to take on their kids too? Have they asked or are you assuming this is coming down the pike. Good luck.

What you need to do is take a break from your first grandson for a bit and let him live a life without you so wrapped up in it. It is nice to have your grands around but you do and should have a life of your own. I understand you do this because hubby works out of town but you need to think about things for yourself.

Take a bit of time to get to know your new grands and enjoy them. The relationship that you have with them may never be the same as your first but that is life. Remember the posts about how grandma loves one more than the other(s) and such that we have posted on here.

Build a relationship with the two new ones separate from the other for a bit and then incorporate them together as they will be together. It is going to take time to adjust to all of them as grandkids. Just keep trying to build the bond and it will come.

I would probably stop caregiving and become the grandma and do things that grandmas do like parties, movies, parks and such and not the day to day to keep from burning out. The more grands you have the less you can do like before to be fair to any of them and you.

Love them all but be a little bit less hands on. They will not know the difference that way. But if you take one more than the other(s) it will become known and you will have problems. Let other family members enjoy the kids and give yourself a bubble bath without interruption.

You do still have a job and you need to be emotionally and physically ready to perform that as your main job. Nursing is not for the faint of heart. I have watched many and praise them daily in my last six years of medical issues with my husband. My hat is off to you (as in all nurses).

the other S.

PS You're first, hubby second, and then the grands in that order. Find a hobby for you without any kids involved.

PPS I understand how much you want to be involved in your family as you were a military family that moved and were not around family. Just don't let that be a crutch that causes a big problem in the guilt department. It is what it is. Now move forward and enjoy your life.

Please use the search tool and look up My mother in law doesn't like my kids or My mom watches my sister's kids but won't watch mine or My mother in law only loves one of her grand kids and my kids feel unloved and blah blah blah.

You are stating, in a non mean way, that you love one grand child more than the others.

So, if you want to hurt those other grand kids feelings then go ahead and let them know you can't watch them but do plan on watching the other one. If you want to build a rift between you and the parents of these kiddos then go ahead.

Yes, families can be torn apart by stuff like this.

Now, that said.

You need to help them find child care, all 3. You can still have interactions with your favorite grand child but the other 2 need time with grandma too.

I truly don't know what to say. I am a grandparent raising grandchildren and have 7 grand kids. I am especially close to the 2 I am raising. BUT the other grand kids feel slighted and want to come visit me too. From the other grandparents and from mom who is clean and sober for several years now.

I am not able to handle all these kids at once but I do it when I am asked. Why? Because some day I'll be gone and I don't want my grand kids to say "So what, she didn't like me anyway, I never got to go to her house because "those two" were always there".

Kids will get their feelings hurt and parents will too.

So, what to do?

"My boss is wanting me to work more hours so I'm going to have to cut way back on my babysitting".

"My body isn't able to keep this many little ones so I'm going to have to cut way back on my babysitting, for all of you".

"I need more time to go do stuff and I can't handle all the kids at once".

"I am getting older and need to cut back on my babysitting for everyone. Here is a list of child care providers in the area. If you don't make enough to afford child care here's the link to the state offices where you can apply for child care assistance".

"These are the days of the week I am going to be available to baby sit all the kids. I am not available for anyone on the other days of the week."

You have to do what you can do. You have to take care of yourself. Watching 3 pre-school children would be too h*** o* my most of the time too. I'd be taking them to reading time, play dates, activities anywhere I could so they'd be busy and have others to play with.

I agree that what you do for one you should try to do for all but that does not mean doing it every day every week every time you have the first one. If your stepson is looking for a job no reason to have those kids all the time. have them when it is convenient for you. not when he just wants to be free. he could job hunt around the dil schedule.

If you figure it out without hurting anyone's feelings could you let me know how? I think there are many of us in a very similar situation. I sure don't know the answer.

Lots of grandparents have a bond with grandchildren they hadn't seen for a while, and they accomplished it without daily babysitting.

Figure out what you can manage FOR YOU. You work, you have responsibilities around the house, your husband travels for work. Each of these families has 2 working parents, but so does your family (you and your husband).

If both kids (daughter, stepson) feel that watching 3 kids under 4 is easy, great. Each of them takes 1 day with the other's kid(s). If that's too much, then they have an inkling of what this is like for you. Sit them down and explain the situation. You are working, and you are home alone (without Grandpa) on the off days with 3 children. You're doing sleepovers so your grandson's parents can have alone time. But you have no alone time, either with your husband or just with yourself.

Everyone's working except the stepson who is still looking. They can afford - they must find a way to afford - some day care and babysitting. You helped out in the short run, which turned out to be a longer run than you thought.

You and your husband have 2 children between you and 3 grandchildren. You want to give more time to the 2 new ones in town, and that may mean you have to (and it's time to) give a little less to the "sweet boy" you're so used to. So I suggest you cut way back, and explain you are exhausted and unable to care for 3 kids. You can offer your daughter's son 1 sleepover a month, and you can offer the 2 other kids a sleepover once a month, but not on the same night. That gives each married couple a big date night a month, and leaves you with 2 weekends for yourself and your husband without grandchildren.

If you want to give your stepson one day a week while he's job hunting, great. He can arrange his interviews (hopefully) and certainly his intense, concentrated on-line searching, for the times when you are available. But he has to have back-up day care for when interviews are scheduled at the convenience of the company.

If you have the means, perhaps you and your husband can assist financially with some babysitting for him. During the summer, your SS and DIL may be able to find a college student who wants a nanny job (a lot of early childhood students like to get experience in this way), and perhaps you and your husband can kick in a little money to help. That allows you to be supportive without doing the work yourself.

And your daughter's son can start weaning off constant care from you - you gave your daughter and SIL some phenomenal help when it was necessary, but you're getting tired. Surely they can be supportive of YOU, and surely they can all see the benefits of their son having 2 little cousins in the area. This is a benefit for them, not just a negative because you get to be a grandma to them as well.

I think you need an honest conversation with your husband to figure out what you can manage and offer, and then a sit down with the kids to explain. Set a deadline of 30 days for them to make other arrangements from the schedule you are currently doing.

You shouldn't have to watch them all, you are human, you have limits. I admit I don't understand when a grandparent watches one child's kids and not an other but I also understand there are limits to how many kids any human can watch.

I have four kids, if they each had four kids I would have to quit my job and end up in the loony bin.

To me it is an issue that with the first one I will help, maybe the second, but at some point I can't take on any more it is a function of birth order, not child preference and I will have no guilt saying I can't add another kid. So to answer, no, if you watch one, you watch them all is not fair.

I just want to clarify about what I meant by watching one child's kids and not the other. What I mean is say child one has a kid you watch, then child two has their first and you say I can only watch one. Then child one has a second child and you watch them. That is playing favorites and that is an ignorant grandma move. Saying I can watch one or two but not three is just setting restrictions on what you can handle. It would be stupid to refuse all three just because you can't handle all three. Of course if you are watching kids more than one day it would probably be fair to watch the one on one day and the two on the other so that each gets grandma time.

In the end I think there is this entitlement thing going around that says grandparents must be free daycare. That they must act like a daycare and take all grandchildren produced or none at all. Complete nonsense.

Here are my suggestions:
1) Watch all 3 kids 3 days a week so you have 2 days to yourself.
2) Watch the kid from family 1 on M and W, watch the kids from family 2 on T and Th. Give yourself Friday off. Each of them only has to find part-time, 3 day per week, childcare.

Only 1 child at at time for sleepovers, and rotate them.

I would NOT suggest that you play favorites. That will undoubtedly turn into hard feelings.

Get your husband to help look after his grandchildren. But if you do it for one, you should do it for all.

Well, as the daughter of someone who runs herself literally half to death with her other grandkids, I can tell you how it feels to be the odd person out.

I never wanted anything from my mom, other than her love. We live far away, and when we do visit my kids can barely get a moment in edgewise (the other grandkids live local). My mom is so tired from everything she does for everyone else that it's hard for her to enjoy herself with us. When she and my dad come to my state (Florida) they seem to want time to themselves, probably to rest.

You have step-grands which complicates the issue. That being said, with steps it's even more important to be diplomatic and as "fair" as possible.

If it were me I'd try to take the long view of the entire situation, and somehow try to even out the time with the grands. I know that can be difficult. Pray about it (if you're spiritual) and ask God to show you how to handle this in a loving way.

Best wishes.

ETA: In response to Suz T's post - I am NOT suggesting that you do everything for step GKs that you have done for your first. What I am suggesting is that you should NOT be in the business of taking care of anyone's kids on a heavy basis. You are Grandma - not Mom. Just make sure you are Grandma to ALL.

You are going to have to communicate your feelings and limitations to your daughter and step-son. Do it early before it turns into a huge deal. Some one is going to feel slided. But I'm pretty sure everyone understands that 3 is not the same as 1. Your daughter may feel it the most if you have to spend less time with her kid to make room for the new combers. Animosity my exist mostly between siblings or it could be directed at you. Your best bet is to be really open and hope you have mature enough children that they are gracious no matter their feelings. But I promise you, feelings will flair. I wish it were not that way. On the bright side, doesn't it feel good to be so loved and wanted?

When my SIL just couldn't feel comfortable with babysitters and begged my FIL and MIL to be day care while she worked, we immediately felt their lack of availability to us. They limited themselves to 2.5 days of child care a week with them. Even still, I never felt i could ask for a day unless it was an emergency or a very rare event. So I stopped using grams and gramps, I found babysitters. Yes there was resentment. Add insult to injury, all MIL and FIL could do is talk about other grandkids to us when they visited. It was clear the bond they were forming was so much more than with our kids. We kept our feelings to ourselves because, there is only so much Grandma and Grandpa to go around. We always kept it light, often joking that it must be nice to be so loved and wanted.

Didn't you get extra hours at your job recently?

I think the fairest thing to do is to let ALL of them know your limits.

If grandbaby #1 is dependent upon you for childcare, the others may only get to visit when he's not there, or not as often right now. The way you can work that is by telling EVERYONE that all three at once is too much for you.

Hopefully your daughter can start to wean herself off your support (it does seem like you're almost a S. parent to your grandson, which has its ups and downs, but in the end, you're supposed to be the grandma, not a babysitter). And you can more fairly divide your time. I'd say a heart-to-heart with your daughter is in order too. Hopefully she will understand your predicament. Especially if you explain it as clearly as you did in here. I totally get that you're trying to be fair. Good luck!

You are really a caring and wonderful grandma for helping your daughter and stepson out with child care and trying to be equal with everyone involved. You didn't mention the depth of your relationship with your stepson, but if I was your daughter and a stepbrother who has not been too involved in my mom's life disrupted my childcare situation, I would not be too pleased. Are you truly going to be a granny to the stepson's kids or are they just using you for childcare? If it's the latter, then just help until they find work, then stop. There's no reason to stop watching your other grandson because of this. I don't have personal experience with being in a blended family, but trying to pretend that all relationships are equal doesn't seem to make sense. Of course you are going to have a deeper bond with your daughter's son not only because he's your grandson, but also because you've been with him for so long. It's natural. If your stepson wants to bring his kids around a lot, your husband needs to step up his presence.

There's no reason you should be watching three kids if the stepson is not working, unless he has a job interview that can't be conducted when his wife is home.

You've already raised your kids so now is your time to do what is best for you and not feel guilty about it.