I Want More with 'Us'

If you move out "until we get married", he'd get the point. If he doesn't choose you and the baby, then unfortunately he never had any intention to marry you to begin with. I'm sorry that your mom & dad didn't warn you about this part of life.

Moving out is hard, but you'll get your answer right away. If he knows that you're staying, he will never be forced to make a decision. You deserve to have a firm answer as to whether he's willing to get married. Don't move back in until you are "Mrs.", or you'll be suffering through this problem for years.

He has been willing to string you along. It's o.k. to be tough on this issue.

This is the problem with having sex before marriage. He already has everything from you and is getting it for FREE. He doesn't have to commit to marriage, because you are leaving it up to him to make that decision. I am still fairly young, and yes I had sex before marriage, but I also didn't have a mother telling me it was the wrong thing to do. I however made it clear to my now husband of 8 years that we would not be having children until we are married. It didn't take long for him to get down on one knee with a ring and roses. We will also be teaching our 2 children (boy and girl) how disrespectful it is to have sex with anyone before marriage. If I had not been a silly girl, I would have respected myself and made sure men respected me enough to not have sex. Now that you have a baby together, your baby needs the security of a two parent home. He needs a mom and a dad. Both of you are very important in his life, and unfortunately these days a lot of women think they don't need a man to raise a child. It doesn't sound like you are one of those women, but it is very easy for couples who are not married to give up and break up the family that they have, thus causing all kinds of heartache along the way for the innocent child. I think this is ultimatum time. You need to stand up for what is right for your child. If he is a good guy, and a great dad, it is time he act like a MAN and marry the mother of his child. I suggest you both go to your courthouse, fill out the paperwork, and make the appointment for the soonest time(tomorrow) to get married by the Justice of the Peace. There really is no need for the big party. Just a marriage. If he does not want to act like a man, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you and your son to go stay at your mother's until your boyfriend pulls his head out. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you and the baby, he just needs a good kick in the pants. The message this sends is that you will not be disrespected any longer, and you will not teach your son that this behavior is ok. You might ask your boyfriend if he would really want your son to have little or no respect for his dad for not marrying his mom. And you certainly don't want your son to have little or no respect for you for not standing up for yourself and for him. Just my opinion. Good luck.

You have a child together. That should be all the reassurance that he needs. If he won't marry you, then it's because he wants to be able to make a quick get away if it comes down to it. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you he will marry you. It's as plain as that.

You know, that's just one of those common fallback excuses used frequently when a person is simply NOT interested in marriage. And, bluntly put, WHY should he want to get married; he already has HIS "marriage". You're already in his home, in his bed, and have already reproduced with him. Where's the "need" for him to get married? What more could you possibly bring him through marriage than what you've already given him??? Now for him, you can take more with marriage. So, "what's in it for me" needs to be answered for him.

I guess if you want him to value you to the point of marriage you first have to value yourself to the point of marriage. So far, with your actions and choices, you've activily campaigned against it and are now trying to change the rules of the game.

Stop taking excuses from him. Stop MAKING excuses from him. If you want a life long emotional, legal, loving relationship you have to market yourself for one and stop buying what you don't want. I'm certain he's a wonderful guy, but he may not be husband material for you (or visa versa), so you need to decide what you really, really want and why. Once you do that you have to follow through with that completely with 100 percent integrity to your choice.

I don't know how else to say that. I really don't want it to come out harsh or hurtful, however; that is how I see it and I believe the best way to tell it is to simply say it and allow you to weigh it out for what it's worth to you.

Best of wishes to you Sweety, these things can be difficult to work through when you're right in the middle of it, the best things are worth working for and waiting for in their proper perspective and place.

Congratulations on your baby boy!

B.,
Marriage is not more secure than dating, honestly. If it were, our divorce rate would not be so high, or there wouldn't be a divorce rate at all. People can still leave a marriage as easily as they can a dating relationship. A marriage is a little more difficult to end, but they can still end.

You love him, he loves you. Is there really anything more important than that? Will a piece of paper and a ceremony really change the way you two feel about each other??

You two just had a baby, that is a huge commitment to each other FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!! No matter what happens between you two, married or dating, you will be connected through your child.

I understand wanting to be married to someone you love. But forcing him to make a decision, by moving out until he agrees or whatever, is not fair to him or your baby. It's never a good idea to force someone to do something they aren't prepared for. They might hold it against you later on.

I hope the best for the three of you.

Hi B.,
I might be repeating what some other moms have said, and I may also not be advising you in direct relation to your question. However, I have a couple of thoughts about marriage for you to consider, and if/when it seems appropriate, to share with your boyfriend. 1) Marriage is primarily about commitment. You will not always feel like you love each other - and sometimes you will actually be convinced you don't. If you both have made a commitment, you will make it through those times, and get all the way through to the other times when you do feel the love, and feel it strongly. My parents have been married for 45 years now - I was always aware that they loved each other, but I was also aware that they were extremely committed. Before my husband and I got married, we promised each other that divorce would just not be an option for us. We knew we would have to work out problems and stick to it through some tough stuff. They mean it when they say "for better or for worse." You have to be prepared for that kind of commitment. That being said, if you're both up for it - and can agree on that - you're ahead of the game. 2) This one may be hard. He needs to know if divorce has been rampant in his family, that they may try to steer him that way when things do get tough with you. And if he's already feeling like he wants out, that will be a huge pull for him. But they can't make the commitment for him, and they can't push him into divorce if he doesn't want it. That's a decision that is made, not an inherited trait.
Best of luck to you both.

You had his son, he needs to marry you if he has any honor.

Sit down and share your concerns with him. Address his concerns. When he realized that his family's past doesn't determine his future, he can more objectively look at the marriage question. Couples therapy may help him address those worries about his family, but don't push it if he's not open to the suggestion, most people think therapy is only for struggling relationships.

If you've committed to have a child together, then he needs to committ to be with you forever, and marry you. It just doesn't make sense to me when a guy fathers a child and then is so unsure about getting married. I hope he realizes this soon.

Hey B. B,

I just want to say for the both of you, if you pray about it...God will give you your answer. I think it is very serious to get married. I have been with my children's father or almost 8 years been knowing him for a dozen...he is ready in certain situations but not in some others. I know he is hesitant as well yet when I feel or when God give me the sign that it is COMPLETED that is when we will do it. Technically in the State of Colorado we are common law however, our unity will be completed when the actual spiritual aspect is present within both of at the same time. When we talked about this yesterday he also said how none of his family members were good with marriages yet he has the drive to take the lead and do things differently that his family. That is a plus for me! Be patient with his decision and encourage him. Be there for your man! And don't listen to what others say that is negative because what I learned about others and their opinions is sometimes people can give us advice and talk negative and they have a similar situation behind their own doors. So take this and run with it. Since you are a mother do the best you can to nurture your child with the help of the boyfriend and it will lead you two where you want and/or need to be!

Good Luck!!!

B.,
Congratulations on your beautiful son! I realize that it is a challenge to be patient when you want so much more out of your relationship. Realize that commitment is something that comes from the heart, not a piece of paper. Give your 100% to the relationship and trust that everything will work out for the best. Consider the possibility that part of the reason that James is hesitant of getting married is the subconcious message that you are sending "If I am not married, I can't be 100% committed". Show him by your words and actions that your committment is there no matter what, and you may be surprised how fast he gives his 100%.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLc

What is Loving Connections?
Caring enough to share your whole heart.

Oh my gosh, I can not believe someone suggested leaving your boyfriend or giving him an ultimatum. How could you suggest to break up a home! They just had a baby, that won't solve a thing!!! ...SHAME ON YOU!

Anyway... I understand how you feel, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and be have a beautiful 3 mnth old girl. We bought a house together, and we know we will be together forever because we are soul mates. All relationships take commitment and understanding. Don't nag at him about marriage, it will just stress out your relationship with him and he will feel pressured. It will happen when you are both ready. That is the key, you are ready but he isn't. My boyfriend and I both come from divorced families. And his mom has been married/divorced like 3 or 4 times to some horrible men, so he has a very jaded view of marriage.
I don't know what answer or advice you are looking for... but what has helped me is that I have just accepted that we love each other and we are together forever as long as we commit to each other and accept each other for the way we are. What matters most to me is that we are committed. I just want to get married for the piece of paper, to have the same name, and to make everyone else happy and accept our relationship. But now I have stopped caring about what people think and because it doesn't matter. What matters is that your child has wonderful, caring parents, and a safe happy home. AND THAT YOU LOVE AND TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER...

Sounds like you guys are really great communicators; that will help to make your marriage rock solid. It seems like he's taking his family history and letting it deprive him of happiness in a marriage with the woman he loves and mother of his child. He doesn't need to be afraid of poor decisions his family has made. He needs to see what was wrong in those bad marriages and make sure that you guys avoid those things. Use the lessons others have learned to benefit your marriage, not to scare him off of something that will bring your own little family so much joy. Tell him that both of you being dedicated is what it takes for your marriage to last, not what his other family members have done. It's your marriage, not theirs.
Congrats on working to make your family stronger through marriage. Keep it up, it will all pay off:)

B., dear,
I see what you say.
My elder son is 25 now, and in September they are getting married, after 6 years of being together !!!
By now, they both know they are forever,
and that they can put up with each other's strangenesses,
like my son's forgetfullnes of doing something in time, and her moods to the point of drowning his laptop in the bathtub: they know that to put up with problems is worth, as the time of being together is absolutely miraculous...
:)
I believe what is most important for you is to be the best FRIEND for your son's dad, and he will get his head around what his heart already knows!!! Do not get frustrated, please, he will get there, this is for sure. He loves you, you both love your baby, and when the baby starts growing, the good card for you is to mention that for your son, it is good to have dad and mom as one family, under the same last name! This idea might hit the right point. Be patient, explore the territory of his psychological approach, and seek for the clues on how to make HIM DECIDE that it is paramount for you to get married! By NO MEANS< DO NOT ACCUSE him of not making this decision yet, at all times remaining his very best friend in the first place, and then everything else: he needs to have a feeling of security, peace, hapiness, and love, and you are the keeper of the hearth and your family that already exists lacking only paperwork (but I know how important it is!)
I wish you all the luck, and very happy days, B.!

Hi B.,
My husband was the same way. Bad family history with marriage. It took me a while to figure it out but my husband was fearful of falling into the family shoes. He never said it but I finally figured it out. You can't fail at something that you never do. I finally told him that he was not his father and we didn't have a relationship like his family and we ended up getting married. I will pray for your little family, and hope that you can seek some guidance there where you are. Your son deserves to have a family that is commited to each other and to him. That is the design of family.
T.

I think that pressuring or trying to "reason" with him or trying to make him see your side of the issue will not work. The truth is that he has seen & lived some things that have left an impression. It's not about you, it's about getting over his issues. Would he be open to some couples counseling? Not because you guys have problems, but just so he can see that you guys have skills to get through the tough issues & times his family failed to get through. If he has confidence that you both have what it takes to work through the bad times (because there will be bad times - I promise) it may give him the confidence to make a commitment. Going through the work now is the best gift you both could ever give your child. Best wishes.

First and foremost DO NOT do ANYTHING to trap him into getting married. If you do your only putting him in a situation that he might resent you for. However I do agree that this is the time to stop playing house and for him to make a decision. You don't have to be in the same house sleeping together to have a good relationship. In fact it is less likely to happen. I know that you are trying really hard to make sence of this and it is so hard to be in this situation. Right now though if you don't feel like something is right then you change the rules. Have a relationship but change the rules. You are a mother now and need to decide what is best for you and your son. He is a father now and needs to do the same. Here is my thoughts of how to talk to him. Find out what his concerns are about marriage and divorce. If he thinks that it will be traumatizing for the children to go through a divorce. Is it any different than you living together and breaking up? Either way it is bad and they lose a parent. Is he afraid that he won't be able to support you and your family? This is a real fear for most men and new dads. Discuss your finances and what your options will be(ie. will you work, will he take on 2 jobs so you are home, ect....). Is he afraid of being trapped to a commitment? This is major because marriage won't mak this better and is a big red flag. In anything I agree with another mom that it would be a good idea to get couple counseling. Mostly so you can have a unbiased party to help you cover all these areas. Ultimately in the end you have to decide what will make you happy because an unhappy mom isn't a good mom. Our kids need to see us as strong women that may have flaws but value ourselves more than situations. They also need to see 2 commited loving parents to teach them what marriage means so that they can break cycles. I hope this helps good luck, my heart goes out to you.

Ok the first thing I thought of when I read about your situation was this letter I read in Dear Abby recently. A couple had been together for years and years in a committed relationship-married but not with the paper. The man's family never did like the woman. The man died suddenly. Because they had not been legally married, the woman had no legal rights regarding the funeral. I admit I don't know much about it, but it seems there must be other legal rights that you two would be missing out on. My advice is to research this and find out what other securities and rights that being legally married brings. Perhaps that would help convince him that it's NOT "just a piece of paper." It's a piece of paper that guarantees you certain rights and securities regarding each other's estates.

I wouldn't push him. He sounds like how I was because my mother has been divorced three times. I ended up calling off our wedding one hour before it started, while we were at the church. We ended up getting married a year later, just the two of us at a lake. While calling off the wedding was a huge blow to our relationship, my husband is now more secure because he knows that when we finally did it, I felt 100% confident in our relationship and future. He also knew the actual relationship was what was important to me, rather than the fanfare of a big wedding (which I never really wanted).
Besides, it is true in this day and age that haveing a baby or even buying a house or almost more of a commitment than marriage! It sounds like you guys are in a good place anyway. Good luck!

B.

Know one person has the right to force anything upon another, it sounds to me lik you may be the one who is insecure as you are the one struggling with the issue of marriage, just because someone has seen divorce does not necessarily mean that they have insecurities about marriage, it is the commitment between your souls that should be more important, and some point in time you may get married but not until both agree that the marriage is not based of the idea that it is what will keep you together it is not, the love you have for one another is what will keep you together, having a child is a privilage for you both to cherish together or not, reality is know one can predict the future and some people have proven that their commitment to their love for one another has bonded them more so than marriage, and others vise versa, Look into your heart and decide is marriage the only reason you would stay in this relationship? he has already shown that he is there for you and loves you, is the peace of paper more important right now (this is not to say that in the future marriage will happen) or the bond you already have?
My mother has been married and divorced a few times, yet my grandparent were married till death, I have two older brothers that have been married over 20 yrs now and two others that are on their second marriage, and one brother that never married but had a soul mate for 14 yrs until his death. I did not get married until we both were comfortable, I am now divorced, and I am not afraid of marriage again or a soulmate it is the bond between two people that makes the relationship.

have him pray about it. if he feels good, it's a good sign for him to trust things will work out well for you two

I am a mother of 2 with one on the way. My signifcant other and I have been together 6 years. We own 3 homes together and are definately committed. He also had 2 sisters married twice and both parents married twice. My parents were almost married 40 years before my mom past away. If you truely believe that he is committed to the relationship and your son, back off. Just because there IS a little piece of paper it doesnt make for a committment. And just because there is NO peice of paper doesn't mean there is no committment.

Let me be frank: You live together right? You have a baby together correct? You have made it abundantly clear you want marriage. He is getting what he wants, you are not, if he really loved you and was in to you he would marry you. You decided to have a child, put the child first, realize the child will look to you for example, is that what you want your child to grow up seeing? Move on honey, you put it out there, your intuition is probably telling you the same thing but you don't want to see it. I know you love him but sometimes that is just not enough. The family history thing is an excuse. I know how much you must love your baby, put him first. Good luck to you, I know my words are candid but I hate to see women waisting so much time on unavailable men. there is someone out there who will cherish you and love you and be so in to you he will marry you in a heartbeat. And you never know, maybe this guy will come around too, but stop waiting. You deserve better! After I read some responses I need to add something here. Marriage is much more than a piece of paper, it is a legally binding comittment that entiltes you to everything you earn TOGETHER. Even if you aren't working you are making a contribution to this relationship. I agree that you should move out immediately with your parents or something. No ultimatums here, talk is cheap. What is your financial situation, can you support yourself? This is also an indicator of your status in the relationship.

Hi B.,

My husband was like that too. He had both family and friends that had been through divorce and did not want to get married. (In fact he loved children, but did not want any of his own...UNTIL I mentioned getting my tubes tied, and he did not want me to.) About 2 years into our relatinship, he started going to church with me, and one evening we had our Pastor over for dinner. (I was 6 months pregnant with our first child.) He simply said, that it pleased God that we were going to church, did we think that he would be more please if we were married? That the baby should be born legitmate.
Another thing is that the #1 thing that a woman requires is "security."

I hope this helps...
Blessings,

C.

My "better half" and myself were sort of in the same spot. All I can suggest is... Give it some time. You KNOW the two of you will be together forever, right?!! So why rush it. Just keep being you, and enjoy your time together. It takes more than a piece of paper to say you're married. He'll get there, don't push. There's no rush.

There isn't much you can do about the "pain body." this is the history baggage some carry. Try reading Eckhart Tolle about the pain body and that might help you know how to react to it. The only thing you can control is you. Maybe this is time to say: le's take a break. I know it will be hard with a baby. But you might see that this relationship is not exactly what you want even though you have a baby together. Or he might see he can't let you go. Good luck and listen to that heart of yours. If yours is saying: Someting isn't right here...it is not right. So change it or let it go.

I would say to give him time. Right now - with your new baby - is a very stressful time and things are new and changing as you both adjust to being parents. It may be that once you get into the routine and joy of being parents and he sees what a great family he has he'll want to take that next step. If you know he's commited to your relationship as it is you can afford to give him time and space to figure it out. Men are always behind us women anyway in maturity right ;) Good Luck.