I Want Another Child, Hubby Doesn't

The way I've often gotten "my way" was to put my husband first. He's sort of a different case, as a musician, trapped in early adolescence in many ways along with "I'm an artist and the world revolves around myself and my own creativity" type attitude. Not trying to bash him at all, these were things I always knew, and as an artist myself, could relate, even though I have the nurturing instinct and care for others before myself-OPPOSITES!

Anyway, he did the old, "I never saw myself as having a family and kids..." and wasnt' happy about it when I got pregnant with our first. Inside, I was like, "Ya, duh, none of us though about kids in our 20's, grow up" (we started sort of late having kids, I was 35 and he wanted me to "wait a few years" and try again..?...) We were engaged, not married. We hadnt' been careful with birth control, so I was alittle annoyed at his shock. At the time, we were together in LA, but I still had my NY apartment and my career.

Anyway, rather than kick him to the curb, I told him with full compassion and honesty, that I would NEVER want a reluctant father for my kids, or to ruin anyone's life. He was absolutely free to go, and even though I loved him and would be so sad, I would not hold it against him or come after him for any child support (naive, but I made a lot of money at the time) he could go keep his freedom. As weeks went by with him moping, and me not having any of the fun and excitement newly pregnant ladies get, I put my own disappointment aside and just let him be. You can't change someone else, or make them feel how you want them to. He decided to stay, proposed, and started announcing the pregnancy to friends and family, and with all the attention, warmed up to the idea. This was a nice surprise, but I was fully prepared for him to leave as well. When the baby came, he blew my mind with his natural good parenting-he's better with babies than me. Our next two were accidents WITH birth control. He's finally more excited about his marriage and kids than his touring and band stuff. Even though with each new announcement, he freaked out, got negative and scared, and I reminded him the door to the outside world is always open and that we're here to love him not ruin his life. HOWEVER I'm not trying to get away form your situation:

You have to put him first if you are planning to stay with him. But also keep in mind, nothing is ever guaranteed, and you may not always be with him for many reasons. In which case, you will only have your kids, and should have what you want to be happy. He is feeling trapped, and doesn't seem happy to have kids. You need to address this with him. His kids are a gift who love him, and if he doesn't see it this way, maybe you need to compassionately find out if he would be happier on his own. Not in a sarcastic or harsh way, but show him genuine interest and ask him how his life would be in a perfect world. Spend the next few months/year making him your star and doing things for him to show him he's important and figure out what is going on and if you guys should be a team or not. Figure out how you really feel about him, if he's not nice to the kids. Put the third child thing on hold. Put him first. When my husband would imply maybe I should "not have" the babies, I put away my own disgust and hurt and realized it wasn't really about him. I wasn't going to "not" have a new family member and child to love of my own on his behalf, because our relationship was not a lifelong guarantee. No matter how happy you are, you don't know what could happen. I wanted the kids, and he was a free man. So far it has worked out, but again, I knew he was an awesome dad, so that fear wasn't there that he would be cold to the kids if he stayed.

You need to assess your relationship before entertaining the 3rd child notion, and yes, you already have enough children to be happy if you decide to be happy with that many children, but if you will always feel like you were meant to have more, you need to be honest about that with yourself and him and figure it into your vision for the rest of your lives. Decide if you want to stay with your husband. If so, you need to respect him, but he needs to come to terms with the fact he doesn't like parenting for the kids you already have. Not everyone loves kids, and he may be one of those people. You can't change that. Maybe reminding him he has his god giving freedom will make him realize he is not trapped and value his situation more. I feel the biggest shame in the world is people who don't appreciate their families, when so many people don't have them-if they can't have kids, or people have passed away etc. I told my husband if he wasn't going to value us, someone else would, and I wanted my kids to be loved. Best wishes I know this is really painful, I hope everything works out and that your family grows one day.

Hi H.,

It sounds like your need to feel needed is no longer within yourself.

If your husband is unhappy, how about trying to give him all that love an attention that you would be giving to a baby.

What is the need that you are searching for? What is your deepest longing for that a baby will distract you from addressing?

Just want to know. D.

Hi H., it sounds like you have two healthy kids and a husband who is being honest about his needs. I feel you should be thankful for what you have. Another baby could ruin your marriage and break up your family. I am not trying to sound brash, but have you considered a puppy to quelch your maternal feelings? It works!

I also totally understand. We've kinda been going through this too. We have 3 boys (one who will be 4 in Oct and twins who just turned 2 in May). I use to REALLY want to try to have another and my husband always said he didn't. Then one day we got into an argument over it and at the end we decided that we won't talk about it again until the twins turn 3. Since then I've actually decided that I'm not going to be able to convince him he wants another so I've just accepted it's not going to happen. I've realized that maybe not having another isn't such a bad thing. There are so many activities as a family I can look forward to doing that we couldn't do if we had a baby in tow. I'm starting to look forward to moving on to the next phase as a family, no longer babyhood but early childhood now. Also, I realize how much of a strain it would be on our marriage to have another newborn and I think I need to put that same energy toward building our marriage up. I wish you all the best and hope you can come to some kind of happy consensus.

The first thing I would tell you to do is talk to your hubby about how you feel he is with the two children you have. Maybe he just doesn't realize he is doing it or it could be something else. Secondly, if your husband does not want another baby and has made it clear but will do it just because you ask, then you either A should not do it or B really think about things after you guys have talked and decide if having a third child is more important than being with your husband (that could indefinitely put a huge strain on your marriage). I don't mean to sound crass but when I first got pregnant with my daughter I thought I wanted maybe three or four childred but after I was thinking three. I talked to my husband about it and he wasn't sure if he wanted another child period and he had made it clear from the beginning that he didn't really want more than two, if we did. I became pregnant with my son and we talked about it and what worked for us together with our schedules and financially it was best to leave it at my son. I then had my tubes tied. If we are ever in a position later to adopt then that would be fine but he really is just happy with the two and honestly, I am grateful for two happy and healthy children and I love my husband and my children and we leave it at that. You have to decide what is more important to you and in this day what you can afford. I hope you guys figure something out but definitely address the issue with how he acts with the first two. Good luck!

i totally understand, i am in the same boat. i have 3 beautiful children 6, 3 1/2 and almost 1. i dont feel complete and have always wanted at least 4 children. my husband doesnt want anymore and has also made this pretty clear, so i am anxious to see your results as well. i know that if we had another he would be thrilled but how do i get him to want another. a big issue is money, my my response is you make do and just give up other things to make it work. i hope you get your third miracle!

Please don't do it.
T.

Well first thing first, why does he seem so unhappy and distant. Why does he not seem to enjoy parenting? Etc..etc... And yes if he doesnt want another but would do for you anyway, wouldnt be fair to anybody. Because he will in the end wind up resenting you and the new baby and it will put a strain on your marriage. Are you's happy together, because the way you make him sound, he isnt happy with the "family life", exactly how my EX husband was!!! Just be careful! Good luck!

I highly recommend marriage couseling (with a professional) before you make any decision. It sounds like you both are not having all your emotional needs met. And it sounds like neither of you is communicating your wants to the other. Do you know why your husband doesn't want more kids? My father behaved the same way as your husband is now. He loved us deeply but all he wanted to do when he got home from work was eat, shower & watch his tv shows. He rarely played with us or went to any of our sporting events. The day he retired he became an entirely different person. Now he loves playing with my kids. He crawls around on the floor, chases after them & even changes diapers! It turns out the stress of being the sole bread winner & HAVING to go to work everyday was too much for him. I don't know what your husband's issue is, but it may be completely unrelated to the kids. And if that could be "fixed" it would be great for your current kids.
Why do you want another kid? You don't say, but it sounds like from what you did say that you want another BABY, not another person. You mention being obsessed with babies, but not with toddlers. I think you need to examine, in detail, why EXACTLY you want another child. AND figure out if that is fair to your other 2 children as well. Personally I think 5 years is a really big gap between your two youngest kids. They would never be into the same things at the same times. Your baby will want to go to sesame place and your next kid would want to go to six flags. I'm not saying your kids won't enjoy it, they would get to play "mommy" to the little one, but that's about it.
Are their other ways you can get your baby fix. Can you baby sit? Volunteer somewhere? Become a foster parent? Or can you do something more with your own kids? Or maybe do something you've always wanted to do, but never have? Ex. Gymnastics lessons, ballet lessons, music lessons, singing lessons, pottery classes, redecorating your house, ballroom dancing lessons (if your husband is tentative about going tell him you are trying to substitute dance for another kid, he will probably become very receptive. It would also give you two a chance to reconnect & have some fun. Something you probably don't get to do a lot of having two kids - which might also be responsible for your husband's mood). (And if money is a problem - find it - remind yourself that any of these is cheaper than another kid).
Good luck.

I think that if your husband is willing to have another child for you, then you should be wiling NOT to have another child for him. You already acknowledged that it wouldn't be fair to your husband or to the baby, so the decision doesn't sound best. If you husband doesn't enjoy being a parent, and doesn't want another child, then I'd say just enjoy the children you have and be content. You can enjoy other people's babies by babysitting, volunteering for nursery, or even volunteering to be a baby-holder at a local hospital with a neonatal ward. You might be just going through the normal changes we all go through when our youngest child gets older and more independent. I felt it when my youngest was around four or five, realizing that I'd NEVER have another child made me a little crazy and sad for a while, but it has been best. No decision is best unless it is best for everyone.

I agree with Amy J. Nurture your realtionship with your husband. Pour on him all the love you would have for this new baby. Get a sitter, and start dating him again. Leave love notes in his jacket pocket. Take a year and seed and water your union.
I went though a period of time in which I thought my husband resented our 2nd child. I felt like he thought she was "my baby", I'm the one that wanted her, and she was my responsibility. Turns out he really didn't feel that way, but since he stayed home with our son for the 1st 9 months he felt I should feel what it was like to take care of a baby full time. That was un-realistic since i worked full time, but he wanted to make the experience as close to what he felt as possible. So see, it wasn't about the baby, he resented me. :-)
But since then, we talked through everything, started dating more, and talking more, and working through all our issues and misconceptions.
Give it a year and see what comes of it. You may find that with all this new time you're spending with your husband, you may not have time for a new baby. But in spending more time getting to know each other, he may find that a new baby may make you a happier person, and in turn you could make him a happier person. Or all of your fooling around could create an "Oops!". Focus on fulfilling the desires of his heart and hopefully he will in turn fulfill yours.
Best of luck!

I agree with everyone's posts about waiting a while. It seems to me that you should both be in agreement. I actually posted something about this myself a few months ago. I think it was entitle spouse drops no more kids bomb if you wanted to look and see what people wrote me.

But I was heart broken too. And crying everytime I was around babies. I really felt resentful, and our only child is only 2 right now, but I was fearful that I would never get to experience a new born again and savor those moments again. I felt resentful that I didnt know that before and I would have chosen to stop working sooner, stay home with my daughter soon, and really enjoy every moment with my daughter. I sat around and felt sorry for myself, and felt close to hating him for his sudden change of heart.

Then I got over it. I waited it out, b/c there was no rush. He came around and eventually said if it made me happy, we could have another baby. But he gave me more insight on wanting to be financially stable, plan this pregnancy (which our other one wasnt). He also mentioned the fact that we can never get a baby sitter. I hadnt thought of things this way. But in his mind, he never has time with just me. Although he loves our daughter and is greatly involved with her, we have very little just us time, or a date night or anything. And since I rarely get a break or a time out for myself... there are days where I am overwhelmed or having a bad day with just one child and being home with her, it made him nervous to think about how I would change if yet another child was needing me. I dont know, it made me understand him more once time went by and we talked about it more.

We still don't know for sure one way for another, but talking about it has helped. And I do know for myself, that I personally would not want to have another baby, as much as I want one, if he didnt really want to. I would always wonder if he resented me or this baby and so on. I would hope he comes around. But if he doesnt, I am looking at my life like at least I have one wonderful daughter. And I can still love and be the best mom I can to her. And I can still savor every moment from her and KNOW now that she will be my first and last.

I wish you luck in your situation. There is no easy way around it. But I do personally feel that both should be on the same page. And honestly, as time has passed, a friend of mind has since had her second baby, and I see her struggling. Not that the same would be for me, but part of me felt somewhat thankful that I wasnt still getting up at night. And she couldn't nap during the day to catch up on sleep b/c both kids werent napping at the same time. I thought about how much easier our beach trip was this year with my daughter being older, potty trained, and only needing one afternoon nap. I remembered what it was like having to stop and feed the baby, and change diapers constantly and plan doing stuff around her naps. So for me, it was bittersweet. I think i resent him less and i know we will come up with a solution that works for both of us when the time is right. I wish the same for you with your family! take care!

Only YOU know your husband. Personally, I wouldn't want my husband to agree to another child just b/c I "really, really want to". But that's me. Look what happened to Jon & Kate--he agreed to O. more (even though he didn't want another, claiming "the whole world is built for a family of four") and they got SIX! LOL

You've gotten a few good responses so I'll just give my two bits.
1) Whatever happens, don't divorce over it, as some people would advise (no one here yet), to do so would be folly and utterly brutal to you and your children.
2) DO have it out about your feelings and perceptions with your husband, and make sure he shares his, you cannot work together effectively as a family if you're not on the same wavelength.
3) DO NOT STERILIZE YOURSELF!!!!! yet.
Personally, I know that everything in nature happens for a reason, and thus I do not believe in sterilization other than for the medical reason that to have another one would put you at great risk of death - but of course I don't believe in humans procreating like rabbits either, that's just silly. ;)

Could there be other reasons your husband doesn't play with the kids willingly? Could he feel that you put them first before him? Are you nurturing your relationship enough? Have you talked to him about what you see?

I'm sure the children probably notice that dad just doesnt seem engaged with them.

If you do talk to him about how he interacts with the other children, it would be wise to say that you notice that sometimes he just doesn't seem to enjoy parenthood and ask him if there's anything going on that's stressing him. Be sympathetic and listen, even if you don't agree. Men love to have someone just listen and not give advice. Questions like "what can I do to help you?" are always good ones.

I think you should take care of the family you have by nurturing it so everyone can feel whole. This may be what your husband needs to enjoy his family and then see if you can approach the subject of more kids. (This may be a couple more years).

Its always best to have you and your husband be unified in your decisions, even if its agree to disagree. It gives a rock solid foundation for your children.

Good luck

I would hold off having another kid as it sounds like he is not in touch with the kids he has now. Money an issue? work long hours? how was he when they were babies?

need to work on him being a daddy to the 2 he has now and will take lots of talking to him and compromises. Might need little counseling as a family to get over the hump.

Yes its hard wanting another baby, but think worse possible scenario, if he not paying attention to any of the kids is that fair to them? to you? to him? what if causes you 2 to divorce?

Also sounds like u 2 have issues as I didn't hear you say loving hubby or anything like that, just wonderful, sweet kids, are u too focused on the kids? need to make time for him as well