I Think We'er All in a Bit of Jam

Updated on September 27, 2011
G.S. asks from Brooklyn, NY
7 answers

We send our children to pucblic schools. My little one is 3, she's in day care. The average tuition a month used to be 150 euros. Not bad, right? This year with all the tight bedgeting we got an increase of 300 euros a month. That's very high where we live. Especially for a public school. I've discovered that we pay the highest tuition out of all the parents that send their kids to this school. It stinks, because we have our additional expenses too such as rent, heating and electric bills etc. I'm also a SAHM so I try to budget myself as much as I can. I recently foound out that my brother-in-law got his 3 year old daughter into the same public day care for free. Even though both parents work, they pay no rent, and have practically free babysitting and cleaning lady for free (mother-in-law). I'm partially jealous, human what can I say. I got upset with MIL because 2 years ago when we arrived to this country I told MIL that I'd like to get a job to help hubby out with expenses. I hadn't even asked her to babysit my kiddies, and she turned to me and said, "Please don't ask me to watch your kids, because I have a life of my own to take care of". I told her that she wasn't in my thoughts about asking her to babysit. I wasn't planning to ask her since I would have found a lady to do it for me. Now I notice that BIL have her all day, everyday watching the children, cleaning the house and ironing their clothing. What is that all about? Note: we have a great realitonship, or should I say we had. It's been two weeks. I've kind of shut them all out. I don't think I want much to do with them anymore. How do you moms explain this?

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answers from Boston on

If money is a big problem you should pull your daughter out of school. If you are a SAHM there is really no reason to send her to daycare. A 3 year old really doesn't need to be in school unless they are getting special services for a delay or disability. If you want her to be with other kids you can always find a play-group and those are usually free to little cost.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


I thought you were moving to Shanghai...?

Since money is tight - take your daughter out of day care - you are a SAHM so teach her yourself. Take on excursions and teach her the culture of the country you are in...

If you don't like that your BIL got his child into the same school for free - tell them that you will pull her from the program if they don't reduce your rates...but I tell you - here's where we run into a problem...NOTHING is FREE - NOTHING...so somewhere some how someone is paying for those who aren't paying....and it sounds like you are doing just that...so instead of subsidizing it for others - take care of her yourself.

Don't look at what others have and be jealous...it's a waste of your time and effort. Focus on what you do have and work with what you have...

Don't stress over your MIL and BIL - not having you and your daughter actively in their lives is THEIR loss - not yours. So just press on...pull your daughter out of school - she's 3, you are a SAHM. Teach her yourself...she has an opportunity that many kids here in the U.S. will NEVER have - so take advantage of it to the fullest.

Let the anger go for your MIL and BIL - you are a SAHM...why would you need someone to babysit your daughter full time anyway? He and his wife both work. You don't work outside the home.


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Binghamton on

Your post is very confusing, but I'll just address the tuition issue at daycare. You don't say which European country you are in, but in Germany, for example, you need to file a financial disclosure form and are then given an amount to pay. If you don't file disclosure, then you automatically pay the full amount. Find out about the application process and you might be able to reduce your payments.
As to your mother-in-law, shutting everyone out is not going to solve any of your problems. Talk to her about it neutrally, making clear that what she chooses to do is her thing, but that it strikes you as odd that she told you she'd never babysit, but seems to enjoy it for her other grandkids.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Bloomington on

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. Can you find a part time preschool for your daughter instead? My daughter goes 2 mornings a week for the social interaction. It only costs me $67 a month (not sure what that equals in euros).

Do your BIL and SIL complain about life and how hard it is? Does the MIL think that she needs to "save them?" Maybe she thinks you guys have your act together and doesn't need her. Maybe your BIL/SIL has always needed mom more and she thinks she has to take care of them. In that case (although not fair), I'd rather my MIL think we have our act together than think that she needs to take care of us. Ugh.

Good luck, I hope you get this worked out.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Did you ever ASK your MIL to help you out? Even if you did, she has the right to refuse and still maintain a good relationship with you if you see her often as a family. Why does she have to clean your house and watch your children for you to have a good relationship? I've never, ever expected my parents or my IL's to help me with anything. Any help they've offered has been appreciated, and if we've had to ask for help and they couldn't then we accepted it and weren't bitter. If we asked for help and they could, we were grateful.

But you're pulling away based on what? There aren't enough details for me to feel badly for you. Sorry. You're "noticing" things your MIL is doing for your BIL yet you seem to know nothing about their situation and you're still jealous and letting it ruin your relationships with them. Talk to them so that you can figure out what's going on and see if they deserve all of the harsh judging you're giving them.

As for school, well, again did you ASK for a discount? Are you financially strapped? Do you need financial assistance with housing? Did you apply for it? God helps those that help themselves.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

The big question is have you asked her for her help? I would ask her for help if you need it. If she refuses then I would in a mature and rational way ask why do you help BIL but won't help me if I need it? See if you can get an answer so you can put it into perspective. If she is being being blatantly partial then I wouldn't want a relationship with her either. But before that happens I would get to the bottom of the issue first.



answers from Charlotte on


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