I Really Need Some Advice!!!

See A Doctor! If you have severe anxiety & panic attacks when he is coming over, you may need some counseling. Why do you resent him so much? I have a 2 yr old, & I KNOW HOW HARD it is to have a 2 year old. But if you really love this man & want to keep him, his son is part of the package. Best of luck to you! Please keep us all posted on the outcome!!!

I honestly do not think that this is a problem that can be resolved or helped on a website. This is a problem that needs the professional help. The feeling you are having toward BABY, an innocent little child, can and will have permanent and long term affects on not only your relationship with the dad but also on the INNONENT LITTLE BOY you've turned a cold shoulder to. These "feelings" could lead to the dad starting to resent YOU the way you resent HIS child. You say that your do not treat him poorly or that you're not mean to him but what do you call canceling his weekends with his father? Or the fact that he cries when he's around you? Do you think that his biological mother wants him around you?! Probably not because she can sense how her son feels when he sees you. Oh, you really don't have the right to cancel anything that has to do with him and his father the only factor you're involved with is that you cohabitate with his father you have nothing to do with their relationship nor should you press your feelings on it because that is what you're doing by preventing them from seeing each other, eventually someone is going to resent someone and in all honesty you have to power to make sure that doesn't happen. To do that you need to make the right calls and find the right person to talk to because your feeling will not go away. I am sorry that this sounds so mean but if you look at the situation from another perspective what I've written needed to be written. I have no doubt that you are a terrific mother and girlfriend, you just need to be taught how to be a terriffic hopefully soon-to-be stepmom and help to realize that nothing is going to be taken away from your son just because there are 2 boys in the family now.

I think it is amazing that you are capapble of seeing that the issue is yours instead of blaming him. That is a great start. You are going to need to look long and hard about why you feel this way. Do you fear his father leaving you? Are you feel insecure because you have not cemented the relationship by getting married. Forgive me, I am not passing judgement my husband and I married 2 1/2 years ago after eight years and 2 children. I am just wondering what feelings you are harboring that are subconsciously being placed on him. I think you are more than capable of working this out. Good Luck.

I am on the other side of the boat. I'm not sure how to help, but I see this with my son and it drives me crazy. My son is almost four. His dad is soon to be married and they just had a baby 5 months ago. His dad has been a part of his life on and off, they had the best relationship right before he started dating this girl. When they first started dating my sons father would take him out places and do things with him and his new girlfriend and it was wonderful. My son came to truely love and adore his father. He didn't pay child support on time or anything but their relationship was wonderful. Since she has had the baby things have totally changed. My son LOVES and I mean LOVES his little brother. He wants to go to his daddy but ONLY to see his little brother. He said his dad's fiance doesn't love him anymore, and she really doesn't pay attention to my son at all from what I can see. I've tried to talk to my sons dad about all this but he says "Well he's fine when he's with us, just does things to get attention. Isn't that normal?" And when I say no, he doesn't believe me. I never thought that she may be having hard feelings about my son being around and such. I don't know how to address the situation with her. I'm sorry for going on and on with no advice, I do want to Thank you for opening my eyes to the other side of the picture. Although, I'm not sure what to do about either side. :(

I wasn't going to respond to your post, but I honestly can't seem to get it out of my head. First of all, being a stepparent is THE absolute hardest role to fill. If you truly want to marry this man, I suggest you take a good hard look at how committed you really are to your entire situation. I married my husband three months ago and at first, being a friend/daddy's girlfriend to his nine year old daughter seemed like a breeze. When you get married and become a stepmom, that puts you in a much more authoritative position and it's too easy to become jealous of their time together and begin to demand too much of your stepchild. It's also far too easy to begin to resent them for things you (or they) have no control of. You can't resent your boyfriend's son because you now have your own child together and that seems to complete the happy family picture (which I'm not judging, because I know that's an obstacle that I'll have to face when we have our own kids as well). P.S. no family is perfect and happy without a ton of effort. That's why I'm suggesting you really look at this situation, because it's only going to get harder. As your relationship deepens with your boyfriend, you owe it to him and his son to continue to try to nurture your bond as a potential stepmom. You don't get to give up and avoid him...relationship need constant effort in order to work, and this IS a relationship. You have to push past the negative feelings and put a smile on your face and hug him as much as possible and make sure he truly feels included and a part of your family (not just a distant relative who visits on weekends). This may sound a little harsh because I've already had to swallow the same pill (and I'm 23, with a nine year old who totally has a mind of her own, so be happy with the fact that he's two and you have lots more time to get it right!). I adore my stepdaughter, but it's not easy--EVER--to look past how different she and I are (mostly cause she's much more like her mother, lol). Every single visit brings a struggle of some kind, and giving up is a lot easier than trying even harder. But you have try anyway, if you're really serious about this man. We can't divorce, or avoid, our children. And like it or not, this little guy IS (or maybe will be) YOUR son. Your actions and standoffishness affect him just as they affect your children. Try this...when you're feeling moody or anxious about him, take the opportunity to do a special activity together (my stepdaughter and I make jewelry because she's older, but special crafts and keepsakes are fun for young ones too), and make it YOUR thing. With your kids around all the time, they have the advantage of seeing you as much as they want and the bonds happen naturally. But weekend visits make it tough to build that bond, which you both desperately need to develop, so try to get some alone time, or the situation is only going to get worse. Stress FAMILY and make sure his (your) son knows that this is his home. It's tough and I completely understand and I'm walking up the same mountain you are, but from one stepmom to a possible future one, I hope some of this helped.

You are definitely not alone! I have three stepsons and I knew I would have three stepsons when I got married. BUT, I didn't see them much at all before we married. Soon after, they started visiting every other weekend. They were like the worst behaving children you could imagine! Stealing, acting out, yelling at my husband and me, being physically violent with each other, and just flat out being rude no matter where we were or who was around. I married very young(18) and two of the boys were teenagers at the time, the other was 6, so it was hard for me to deal with them and there behavior. I would dread the time that I had to spend with them. When they visited, I would hide in my bedroom as much as possible. My husband had missed alot of time with them before his divorce and was trying to make up for it by allowing them to act out, and it drove me CRAZY. Even today, the youngest still travels to Ohio in the summer to stay with us, and I have small panic attacks when its almost time for him to come. BUT, when he is here, I treat him as if he were my own and I just deal with it. He is my husbands child and they deserve to see each other. He deserves a loving home to come to when he sees us. He is just a child and it isn't his fault that I wasn't prepared to deal with older children when I took on my position in this family. Either you must decide to just get over it and do your best or you need some professional help. Maybe looking at it from a different perspective? Think of how you would feel if it were another woman treating your children that way and canceling visits between your children and their father. Good luck, I really hope that you can fix this before someone gets some permanent emotional damage from it.

I hope this helps. It sounds like a tough spot to be in, as I can only imagine that it would be difficult for me and I give credit to all those who are merging families together. If it were me, I guess the best thing would be to encourage a bond between the two boys, and establish your own important role in his son's life.

I don't think you can make yourself change how you feel, but maybe you can try to understand what is "causing you" to feel this way...and you once you make that determination hopefully you can make a change in how you view things.

It sounds like there wasn't a problem until you had you just had your first son together with him (who is only a year behind his other son), so maybe it's that you see his previous son as a threat now - to you and/or your son (being able to see the bond between father and son and wanting that to be special to just your own family (kind of a sibling rivalry but through the parent). You have to know that you can't blame his little boy. Maybe talk to your boyfriend and let him know what your fears/feelings are (I wouldn't say anything negative about his son, just what you might be afraid of) - it's possible once you get it out in the open and get some security back from your significant other, you may be more at ease.

Another way to look at it, is that if you were to move on with someone new, how would you want his dad's new companion to treat your son. You have the ability to make a difference in his son's life - being from a broken/single-parent home at such a young age has to be tough. You might find out that his son feels the same way as he gets older, he may resent that dad has his own family and kids and that he is on the outside looking in. Grow the bond now so it isn't tougher on down the road. Hopefully you get some more advice from people in similar situations. All my best to you, and congratulations on your son - I bet his first year flew by.

Wow, it takes a lot of courage to admit that, especially when many people are so rude and cannot put themselves in your shoes. I would guess that it is a combination of feeling buried resentment over having to share your signficant other's attention with his 2 year old child and the fact that you probably have some residual hormonal imbalances post-pregnancy, since your youngest is not even a year old. I don't mean YOU want more attention, you probably want to feel that your son is #1 with your boyfriend and although that's not rational, it's a valid feeling. I agree with the people who suggested counseling. I think you should also take a look at any types of medication you are taking (birth control pills, etc) as well. As someone else stated, at least you recognize that this is not okay and know that the child is only an innocent 2 year old who deserves positive attention. I am sure that with proper counseling and support, you will be able to work through this and accept his son as part of your family. The fact that your 2 biological children already do, is fantastic! Try to embrace that love they are feeling as you seek professional advice and please don't put yourself down as some people have suggested. You sound like a caring person who just needs help overcoming this situation, but definitely talk to a counselor ASAP. Good luck and please keep us posted on here!

I don't think that it's not that you don't care about him, or that you love him any less.....
The problem started when you got pregnant.... So, the fear came in that your child may be loved less... Or, that he may take away from your child, or treated differently!!!!

Which is not uncommon... My Sister-in-law (situation is slightly different) has the same problem...

In a sense their is a jealousy issue!!!! You need to think of the child and not yourself, and as you can see it is already having a negative effect on the child!!!!
Just try your best, and see how things go...

well you've gotten some good advice, and I'm sorry but I don't have any, I just wanted to let you know that it isn't just you. I have three kids and two step kids and most days I do everything I can to avoid my step daughter and I have no real idea why, a part of me jsut doesn't like her, but how can you not like a child? it's terrible and it eats at me and I know how you feel, I try to force myself to include ehr and treat her like one of mine but she is sooooooo different from my kids and I can't relate to anything about her, and she made things here a living hell with her behavior for awhile and I thought that once we figured out how to get her to open up and talk to us and behave herself things would be ok, I wanted nothing more than to play mommy and have the happy little family and she has really turned around but now I just can't find that one thing to bond me to her at all. so good luck, it isn't just you and it isn't something yu can control or that you are doing on purpose, if only we could always control how we felt right? but we can control what we do and how we act. hopefully it at least eases your mind to know you are not alone in this. take care

If you don't like his child, I think you should step out of the picture. Parents should never have to choose a spouse over their child. My father threw me out of the house because his wife "didn't want me around anymore". That was just 15 months after my mother threw me out because her and my stepdad "didn't want me and their lives were peaceful without me around". NO child should have to live like that!