she's a good girl,but of course she is growing inot a teenager.my problem is when i say she's grounded we really dont stick with it,And sometimes when i take something away like her ds game she will say well it's not like i really play it anyways.so it seems like nothing bothers her.what can i do to make her understand that she has done wrong.
problem is when i say she's grounded we really dont stick with it,And sometimes when i take something away like her ds game she will say well it's not like i really play it anyways.so it seems like not ....it seems like nothing really bothers YOU. If she does something wrong, and you don't care enough to teach her right from wrong by sticking with it, why WOULD she care?
Try going to www.loveandlogic.com. It is definitely hard dealing with pre-teen and teen issues. I have a 15 yr. old and we are going through alot of teenage issues. It's hard to get them to focus on anything, but friends, and they do take on the actions and behavior of their peers. You do have to stand your ground. The rules in your house need to be followed and you expect them to be followed. Make sure the consequences fit the action. My daughter is not getting good grades, so we took the t.v. away during the week and she cannot go out with her friends until we see progress on the next report card. She complains she doesn't have enough time to do anything so we have given her enough time. It is a struggle and as much as I want to give up sometimes, I know I have to keep parenting the best I can because someday my children will thank me for standing by their side no matter what. A good book to read is Raising a G-Rated Family in an X Rated World. Nothing wrong with reading what other people have done and finding what works for you and your family.
L., you HAVE to stick to the grounding. I had this problem with my two older kids (now 23 and 21 years old) and when they finally moved out of my house they sat me down and told me that whatever I do, stick with what I say when disciplining my youngest (he's 11 like your daughter). It wasn't that I didn't *want* them to be grounded, it was that I'd *forget* I had grounded them. I know it sounds pretty bad but I had so many things going through my head.
Anyway, with my 11yr old I literally write how long he's grounded on a calendar and I also put it as a reminder on my phone. He fears being grounded and I think it's only because I stick to it. And when he's grounded he is totally grounded....meaning, no television, no computer, no phone, no nothing!!
Also, if you are going to retry grounding, be reasonable. The amount of time should fit the crime. 1 or 2 weeks is alot in a kids life. I will usually pick somewhere in between like 9 days, including weekends.
Good luck.
Remember when you were her age? That is what I have to remember while raising my 12 year old daughter... not to mention three boys, 18, 17, and 15 1/2. It helps to remember what I was going through at these precious ages. They don't teach you how to raise kids in school, so we have to go back to when we were their age to get somewhat of an understanding of what their going through. Your daughter is definitely testing the waters, and her hormones are now in play. Trust me when I say, they may seem like they don't care that you take away their stuff, but they do. Keep consistent and you will see a change. Always remember that they "want" you to punish them, shows them who's in charge and they definitely want to know you’re the one in charge as well as a friend to come to in time of need.
I must give myself a pat on the back as I have four of the most loving, respectful, caring children I’ve ever known!
As my mom always told me: "Do you want to have a child running free through the streets because you did not discipline well". I know it sucks but you have to stick to something and even if grounding is not the key, something else is-maybe taking something that she loves away for a week or more. Is she into the computer or phone yet?
There is a fabulous book called Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. I wouldn't even try to raise children without being familiar with it. It is THAT good!!!
Can you give an example of something bad she did? it is hard to give advise with out specifics :)
H.... Thanks got it :)
Okay, The whole subject of one human spirit in charge of all important choices on behalf of another human spirit is bizarre.
Once we are " adult" we are allowed to choose, and no one comes along and tells us to Stay at home or removes our hair dryer or TV??? I know "but the police"...these issues our kids get grounded for are rarely of the breaking the law type :)
I try to prepare my children for a life where they can think for them selves and demand for the right to do so. I rarely " solve their problems" for them. We talk I make suggestions usually completely dumb suggestions to prompt them to solve their issues themselves. This really works, soon they can face and solve most things they run into.
I always give them the right to let them try to change or handle my viewpoint on the issues.
I teach them a no is never a no.... there is always a way.
in your daughters case i would have welcomed a solution so she could have gone to visit her new friend, especially because you have just moved there. kids need to have friends to feel alive.
She could have suggested a phone call, or that the kid came over to your place instead.
Do every thing you can to empower her, you don't want to raise a robot who ends up taking anti depressants because she coulden't speak up along the way and felt completely at the effect of life and the people in it = depressed.
Give her all of your reasoning, have her add some ...get her to solve her desires with your approval and support. This takes some time to refine this skill, but once in place parenting an older child becomes an amazing and proud journey.
Love H.
But sometimes usually when it deals with another adult in their life, teacher, a friend
Pick your battles, BUT stick with your decisions on the battles you choose!! I deal with this stuff every day...my 12 year old is checking the boundaries...I show her them! If you tell her there is a consequence, stick to it. She'll respect you more...even if she doesn't tell you that. Good luck. We have a long road ahead.
She's pushing your buttons and you're letting it happen! I had 2 daughters/2 sons. This is it...take away the computer, video games, stereo, TV, telephone, friends, etc etc. Give her some chores to do and stick to it. Consistency!! When you ground your children, you ground yourself. If she doesn't have anything to play with or do, she'll take you seriously. Make sure you explain why also.
I have a 10 year old daughter and I find consistency is a must!! Kids will call your bluff and if they know you're not serious they will continue to push the boundaries. I find with my daughter I really need to choose something that is important to her. If it's not a toy, then it might be computer time or a play date. Taking away priveleges has a big impact on children of this age since they don't really seem to play with toys, etc. much anyway. So pick something that she really enjoys or really wants to do and explain to her that those are priveleges and fun but that in order to do those things she must cooperate, have a good attitude or whatever it is you are having discipline issues with. It's tough, I know. My daughter screamed and yelled and cried the first few times (I thought someone else had taken over her body!) But I have to tell you, now she knows her father and I mean business. Good luck!
I think you need to stick with your guns. If there are consequences, stick with them! Don't give in. And pick consequences that RELATE to her actions. Is the given issue a matter of trust? Then don't let her go out of your sight for a week. ("I'm sorry. You have demonstrated by XXXX that I can't trust you. Until I can, you may not XXXX.") Is it a matter of responsibility? The come up with a related consequence, a NATURAL consequence. The lesson: choices bring consequences, either good or bad. And don't worry if she says, "It's not like I don't...." She's just fuming. However, if she really DOESN'T care about the thing you're taking away, then perhaps you should select something more meaningful and memorable.
