I Need Help Figuring This out......please.

Updated on September 18, 2018
D.L. asks from Tracy, CA
24 answers

Here goes.
DISCLAIMER: My Grammar sucks right now. my hands are shaking as i'm soooo P.O'ed. So please excuse me.
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 2 years a lot of damage due to his drinking. I mean BAD amount of drinking. Well this last time around, he quit for good. I fell for the funny, good man I see underneath all of that.

But we STILL have our bad fights but we work through them and move on.


Just recently, I received an Advertisement/email from Zoosk wanting me to come back (he and I met on a dating site) and the ad also said "This person wants to meet you in Your town". and HIS PICTURE SHOWED UP in the ad!

So I confronted him. He was madder than a Hornet that I found this out, and we didn't speak for 5 days. Then we finally talked, and he SWORE to me I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He swears his profile has been deactivated. But why would he leave his pictures? When we reconciled, I took my pictures down and deleted the profile completely.

So we made up and moved on.

I figured, I invested too much of myself into this relationship and stopped the occasional glass of wine in solidarity of his sobriety. things were good again for 2 weeks.

Now....TWO weeks later.... all of a sudden... I get an Hacker Alert via email, that someone had run a Background Check on me using Instantcheckmate!

So yes...i know...bad bad on my part...my forensic mind starts up. I went on the site...used his email address and guessed the password (waaay too easy)....and there it was. He ran a background check on me.

I know I was wrong to break into it, but the pit in my stomach compelled me.

So.....after 2 years? After we had made up this last time? Why would he do this?

Again I confronted him. He said: "Because you did it to me!" WHAT? I NEVER ran a background check on him!

I explained 5 times to him it was an email....AN EMAIL.... that zoosk sent me, not that I broke into his Zoosk Account.

BUT REALLY? 2 Weeks after we made up? Am I stupid to think he is using the last fight as an excuse to do a background check? I trusted this guy with my darkest secrets of my childhood and other things.........and he does this?

Maybe I'm just stupid or because I want to give him the benefit ...but I've NEVER EVER had a boyfriend do a background check on me....EVER! No I don't have anything to hide.

I'm starting to think he WANTS to find something........anything on me to make himself look better. I don't know. I feel ruined, broken, used, and worse....STUPID!

Not sure what to do.....I don't have anyone here (no family and my friends don't like him so staying with them is out) to stay with.

I'm lost.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Response to SuzT. Where does it say someone Moved in? where did you get that???

Also, what makes you think I don't work? Really?

I don't have ANYTHING to worry about my background check, it's clean and always will be.

What bothers me is why he pretended everything was all rosy (after we smoothed out our last argument about his "disabled" profile) and then 2 WEEKS LATER, performs a background check. Like I said, I think he's TRYING to find something on me...and is disappointed he didn't. Also, to set the record straight...I'm NOT financially dependent on him. I pay my half of the rent on time....every time! I am on the lease so I can't move out until it's been a year next April 2019.

I'm trying to save my money but he decided to choose the MOST EXPENSIVE place to rent and we only had 1 month to move out of the house we lost.
From what I understand, I'm responsible for charges incurred if I do leave before the lease is up. not 100 percent sure of that but it's scary enough.

So yes, I put my self in this position,all because I so believed in this guy and now he's exhibiting that he doesn't want this anymore.

Oh and I did not break into his EMAIL. I broke into the Instacheckmate site he had.

I came here for help and I do appreciate it, very much. But don't insinuate I'm dependent on this guy financially. I'm guilty of believing in the good in some people and yes it came to bite me again.


Featured Answers


answers from Santa Fe on

He's an alcoholic. He doesn't trust you. He might be shopping around for another girlfriend or looking to cheat. And he's dumb as a box of rocks to boot. He probably does want to find dirt on you so he has an excuse. I personally think it is time to let this guy go. Move on. You deserve better than this.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Reading on

You know exactly what to do. Every word of this says you know it's time to be done with this circus. You just don't have the confidence to do it. I'd always choose being alone over this kind of drama.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Get the book “Codependent No More”
Read it.
Learn how to have a healthy relationship.
This isn’t one of them, no matter what amount of time you put into it.

5 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from Washington DC on

OMG....too much drama!!! Just get the financials in order and leave.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

If your friends don't like him, I would think they'd be thrilled to let you stay with them if it meant leaving him.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

He has shown you who he is. You just don't or won't see it. He is not a funny or good man. What should you do? Run, run as fast and far away.

Until you decide you deserve better and love yourself you will continue to make excuses.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I am confused about so much of this.
But first....I have run "background" checks on MYSELF just to see what pops up...as well as my husband...and we have been married 16 years. It wasn't because I don't trust him it's because I want to see what the internet has to offer me about my own past. lol
Second, whatever the "zoosk" thing is. Sounds like YOU still had your profile up (since you said you deleted yours AFTER his picture showed up).
Third, sounds like he's just not that in to you.
If I could go back and tell myself to get out of relationships when they were OBVIOUSLY toxic I sure would! You are not good with him and he is not good with you.
Walk away. Do some of your OWN work on why you would stay with someone for two years, and then get in to a relationship when you are mentally healthy enough to do it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You say there's a funny, good man underneath all this.

You have bad fights, you work though them, you move on.

I was in a relationship like this for a long time. I was kind of addicted to it - I think. I had major issues. I focused on the guy - who did indeed have some serious problems. I think it's called codependency.

Move on. You'll be doing yourself a favor.

Ask yourself why you keep going back for more. Cut your losses. Stop focussing on him, and focus on yourself.

Within a year I met my husband. I took that year to focus on me, my friends, and being true to myself. I didn't date. When I least expected it, I met this great guy, who is as stable as a rock. Drama doesn't even exist in his life. Best thing is, I'm free to just be me. I wasn't looking for anyone - he found me - and likes me for me. There's no reacting to what some guy is doing.

That's what you want. Get off the roller coaster.

As my mom (and your mom or any of your friends would say) .. You deserve better.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

“when someone shows you who they are, believe them... the FIRST time””

You are not in a relationship.

You sound insecure. ( checking up on him, snooping) I don’t get the need some women have to snoop and break into social accounts.

For the record, I background myself occasionally to see the report and how much info is on the web. I have a clean record and if someone wants to check me out, please do.

Get out. Why do you want to live that way? Think better of yourself and do better for yourself.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

You need to talk to an attorney and a counselor. Since you are able to support yourself you need to move out and get your own apartment. You need to start counseling with someone who specializes in domestic violence and narcissism. He sounds like a narcissist to me and as though he is gas lighting you.

An attorney can advise you about the lease. If you can't talk to an attorney call a local domestic violence shelter or hotline and ask questions. Counselors at domestic violence shelters often know the law about these things.

The most important thing to do is cut off all ties to him. When you move out do not tell him where you will be living. You may also need to change jobs. If he doesn't now where you work or live he will have a difficult time following you home from work.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Because I'm a single mother with kids in my home, I would background check anyone I seriously dated but I'd be upfront about it. I wouldn't get involved with someone who is a sex offender, or violent, or has major financial problems etc that are public information. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

Anyway...you don't give a single reason in your post for why you would stay with him other than the fact that you already put two years into the relationship. In business, when evaluating whether or not to invest in a project, you don't include "sunk costs" (money already spent on the project) in the decision-making financials as you evaluate whether or not investing in the project makes good sense. Those costs are already gone and are irrelevant.

I think in a relationship like yours, time spent is irrelevant. Think of those two years as a sunk cost. They don't matter. If you were to meet him today, would you date him? Knowing he's an alcoholic, knowing he's volatile, knowing he's sneaky, knowing he's petty and likes to jump to conclusions and retaliate, knowing he's vindictive? The clear answer to this should be a resounding No! If it's not, you should perhaps seek counseling to understand why you don't think you deserve to be with someone better.

Cut your losses and stop spending your time and emotional energy in an unhealthy relationship.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.
Relationships should not be this difficult.
You know what you need to do.
Pack, move, block any further contact from him.
No more smoothing - no more patching - stop shaking - start packing.
You don't trust him - there is no future with him.
2 years with this guy will not have been a waste if you LEARN something from it.
Move on already.
Take a break from relationships for a few years before trying another one.
Get some counseling (several years worth) to repair your self esteem and recover emotionally.

It's good you have some independence from him.
While it will cost you some money to break the lease - it's worth it.
Don't be using the lease as an excuse to stick around.
People break leases all the time.


Talk to a womens shelter if you need some advice.
Get your ducks in a row - and leave asap.
You could be in a stable living situation well before Thanksgiving.
Make it happen.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

ETA: I think you misunderstood Suz T's comment. You wrote "I don't have anyone here (no family and my friends don't like him so staying with them is out) to stay with." She replied that she's "not sure why not having someone else to move in with is a hangup." No one is saying someone moved in with you - just asking why you really cannot move in with someone else. Now, you've added info about the lease and your obligations which helps explain your financial predicament, but that as well as any info on your job was missing from your original post. It's understandable that you couldn't include everything, especially when you're so upset, but it's important to understand that no one was putting you down. You came here for support, and most people are urging you to be strong because you can do this.

I doubt you'll see this addition, but just in case you check back, here it is.

Original answer:
I see that you are "making up" without fixing any of the underlying problems. You are in love with the person he either used to be or that you thought he was or would turn out to be. You are not in love with the person he is - a suspicious, cheating, insecure man who lies and manipulates. He snows you with the sweet talk, but deep down, you KNOW. Your accounts are hacked or you get emails, and you follow up.

The thing NOT to do is beat yourself up like this, calling yourself "stupid." Instead, use the underlying strength and intelligence you have:
- the inner spark that made you check up to protect yourself (a man that's dating behind your back? STDs!)
- the brain cells that made you follow up on the hack alert
- the part of you that is outraged that he attacks you when his secret is out
- the part of you that knows you deserve better.

What is NOT productive is asking why he is doing XYZ after 2 years. He is not relationship material. You will never be able to trust him because a) he's not getting help for either his anger or his drinking, and b) he's trying to make you the wrong-doer.

Separate, and get counseling. You have to find something to do with this anger and sense of betrayal, and figure out new strategies instead of always believing that damaged people mean what they say. Perhaps, if you LEFT him, you would have someone to stay with. If you are financially isolated, that may be part of his control over you.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i'm scratching my head a little over sticking around through drinking too much and having a dating site profile active, but losing it over a background check.

yes, it's weird that he didn't do it at the beginning- but what would be the nefarious purpose of doing it now? why does THIS bother you so much more than the rest? what is it about the background check that makes you feel ruined, broken, used and stupid?

also not sure why not having someone else to move in with is a hangup. do you work? it sounds as if you've had a very off-and-on relationship with this guy for a full two years now, so have you really allowed yourself to get into a place of financial dependence on him?

this sounds utterly dysfunctional, on your part as well as his. i think it's time to cut your losses with this guy, but also to commit to NOT getting involved with anyone until you've done a lot of work and soul-searching on yourself.

ETA, my, so defensive! you said you had no one to stay with, implying a) that you had moved in with him and b) you're not able to support yourself. don't get pissed because i make inferences from your direct statements.


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I’ve been with my husband 25 years and we never encountered any of the issues you have had in just 2 years. Relationships should not be this difficult. Go to a friend and let them support you. Your friends obviously know this relationship is not good or healthy. Believe them and believe your own eyes...this guy is clearly not a keeper. You know that though...so what are your next steps?

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

If you can support yourself financially then what's the problem? Leave. Get your own place or rent a room while you figure out your next step.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

Sound like it is time to move on. Talk to your landlord about breaking your lease. If you read your copy it should outline the penalty fee for breaking it, but whatever the amount sounds like it would be worth it because between the dating site and the back ground check you clearly can not trust this guy. You say no friends would let you stay because they don't like him, but maybe if you needed the place because you are breaking up with him they would be okay with you staying for a bit, or if you can afford it take him off the lease and find a new roommate. Best of luck to you.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


Welcome to mamapedia.

Stop thinking of how much time you have invested in this relationship. It's NOT a relationship. It's convenience.

STOP the insanity. STOP with the belief that all will be fine. It's not. He's an alcoholic and he's NOT ready to give it up.

Get to your OB/GYN and get tested for STDs and ensure you're not pregnant.
Then QUIT the relationship. QUIT. Stop giving this guy your time and your pu**y - that's what you are - an easy lay, maid and go-to girl.

Block his number. If you haven't moved in with him. Don't.
If you have moved in with him? MOVE OUT. Get your own place.
If HE moved in with you? KICK HIM OUT.
If he swears he's going to get clean. Tell him you've heard it before.
The guy is NOT committed to you. He is looking for the next thing and you caught him.

Find a job that you like. Go to where your family and friends are. If your friends don't like him?? THAT'S A HUGE RED FLAG!!!

WHY do you feel this is the best you can do?
WHY do you settle for this behavior?
WHY have you allowed HIM to control your life to the point where your friends aren't there for you?? Yeah!! HUGE FLAG!!!


4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

So you are asking if you should stay with a man, who has a history of alcoholism (which in and of itself isn't a deal breaker), with whom you've been on/off again for two years, and is a guy who took the time to reach out to an online dating site WHILE YOU WERE TOGETHER to see if he could find someone else (but HE was madder than a hornet that you found out), and also a guy with serious trust issues - so much so he ran a background check without asking you, so then YOU break into his email in order to find out if he was spying on you?

Ummmmm . . . I guess I know the answer. Don't you?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Suz T only asked if you moved in with him or he moved in with you. ASKED

She only asked if you are financially dependent on him. Asked! I'm glad you aren't. Glad you have friends who are honest with you.

I suggest that your need to defend yourself is an indication that you're dependent on him. Otherwise why does it matter?

You've listed several reasons that should indicate that he will not change. You don't want to waste the time you spent with him this far. But it is OK with you to waste the rest of your life with him? Waste 2+years or another 50+ years. Seems obvious to me that by staying you, on some level, are OK with the drama. This is a question. Do you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think he's the best you can do? Or, perhaps you think you have super human powers that you can change him?

Truth, the only person we can change is ourselves. And doing the same thing over and over again even tho one doesn't get the results they want, is a definition of crazy.

I sympathize with you. I spent years thinking if I just did the right thing the other person would change. My life has been better once I accepted that I was the person needing to change.

I started the path towards happiness when I read about co-dependence. At first, I was angry, sure I wasn't co-dependant. With regular counseling, I finally understood boundaries and how my lack of them were part of my co-dependance.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. There isn't any. Time to leave.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Ok, let's review...guy has a drinking issue, and you admit, is an alcoholic. That alone is enough of a red flag to leave the relationship - strike 1. The relationship is unstable, the foundation grounds are shaky and have been for years, and you're basically with him and willing to overlook his drinking in order to not be alone, which makes you both dysfunctional on some level and codependent - strike 2. He is still on a dating site, which means, he is exploring other options and checked out of the relationship, may even have potentially cheated on you - strike 3. So, why are you wanting to keep this train wreck going? Cut your losses now, you should have done so long ago. Any of the above would have been a permanent deal-breaker for me, but to each her own. Do it before you end up permanently tied to this man (aka, become pregnant with his child). I agree with others' suggestions to get some counseling and explore why you allow yourself to be involved in such relationships, and learn how to be alone and at peace. Better to be alone than with someone who is just with you for the sake of keeping the lease, or just for financial assistance in paying the rent and some sex. You can get all that from someone else who won't be screwing you around and is someone who brings positive attributes to the relationship.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

2 years isn't a long time to be with someone. This is the time spent learning the person your are with and building trust. In that 2 years of being with your boyfriend he has shown you the person he really is. It's time you get him out of your life and out of your children's lives. From everything you've said he is a manipulator. It is nice to have a man in your life but don't have one that you can't trust. As many chances as you may give him deep down you will never trust him. You should cut your loses and move on. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Two years is not a long time, just the amount time you need to figure out this man is not for you. I say move on. TRUST is everything. You can not trust this man. I’m sorry, good luck.

1 mom found this helpful
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