I Need Help Disciplining My 18 Month Old

I still don't time out my kids. I don't think it's effective because of the pace their imaginations construe new thoughts, even when understimulated. Even a corner provides new and different stimuli.

If I feel time and seperation is an appropriaite punishment for the behavior, I have my children sit with hands folded right near me. They can watch and hear everything (especially what they're missing). If they cry, I try and express to them that the sit time only works if they are quiet. I give them about 30 seconds if they are quiet and still, no longer. Then I send them on their way with a "be good" warning. It's kind of like a shut down and re-start. It still works for my 5 and 3 year olds, and I've been doing it as long as I can remember.

A.- I have the SAME problem with my son who is also 18 mos old. I just wanted to let you know I'm going through the same thing, however I don't have a suggestion for you! We too have tried the "ignore it" method -but I feel like we should be teaching him instead of ignoring him. Let me know if you come up with any creative ideas- I'm all ears! :)
A.

18 months is way too young for real discipline. He doesn't have the mental capacity to reason. He knows what you want, but doesn't understand why what you want is more important than what he wants. At this age the best things to do are remove the temptations and use distraction.

Two books I love for discipline and understanding toddlers are The Happiest Toddler on the Block and The Discipline Book by Dr Sears.

Good luck!

I think that the age at which time outs work varies by child. At 18 months, time outs were very effective for my daughter, but not at all for my son. Just now, at about 2 yrs., my son is just starting to be ready for time outs. Just to be clear, for me a time out is in the corner with no distractions. I put them in for the same number of minutes as their age. If your son is not ready for timeouts, then I do "baby timeouts." This is an idea I got from my pediatrician. This works from around 9 mo. (give or take) or older. When they misbehave, you look them in the eye and say, "no, no" and then you turn your back on them and give them no attention for 30 sec. or so (increasing time w/ age). Kids thrive on the attention of their parents & depriving them of that attention really is effective. If you are consistent, even a very young child will start to understand the correlation between the behavior and the consequence. Even though a child can't reason yet, they absolutely can understand the concept of "when I hit, mommy withholds attention - I'll stop hitting."

I agree with other moms that I pick my battles. I try to redirect for most things, but I use the method above for things like hitting, biting, throwing, etc. 18 mo. is definitely not too young to learn that things like that are never acceptable. Good luck!

Love and Logic by Jim Faye, I highly recomend it!!

I honestly believe he is way too young for time out, he is still barely learning about verbal communication. At his age, the best method of discipline is remove him from the situation and/or distraction. If he does something he shouldn't, pick him up and put him in a pack and play or just be firm in your words and say "no, we do not do that!"...but don't worry about the punishment of time out yet. When he is 2 I would start using it again and then explain why he is in there.

Hey A.,
This is my absolutely least favorite age because I find it exhausting!!! They really do seem to just run around and pull everything apart just to see what you are going to do about it. Keep reminding yourself that you are laying ground work for later, just like they have to learn to walk, they have to learn to behave they way you'd like them to. Keep it gentle, and keep it consistent. Make sure you don't over do the time outs (too long or even too many, try to just use it for things that he absolutely can't do because he could get hurt or something). Usually the best method is redirection. Positive attention for doing what you want him to do will go a lot farther than negative attention for doing what you don't want. At 18 months he isn't being bad, he is just experimenting and he probably DOES think it is funny to watch your reaction. Ignoring him, if he isn't getting hurt, is perfectly acceptable. Hang in there... before you know it he will be on to something else!

I agree 100% with Alane's response. Kids never respond well to lectures-however short they may be. They do respond well to immediate, consistent discipline--especially if it is done in a calm controlled manner. They'll get the message eventually of what they can and can't do. Give lots of loves and have fun-they are so cute at that age and that doesn't last long.

You might check out "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp and also "Scream Free Parenting"-- both have excellent ideas on how to actually relate to kids which is the first step in helping them understand. When you use
"big words" and logic, all they hear is the infamous "waaa waaa waaaaaa" of Charlie Brown adults. :)

Check them out-- I highly recommend both.

There will be no one way since all kids are different but learning to talk to their level of understanding and learning to control reactions are both incredibly powerful tools.

Take care and good luck!

At 18 months, he isn't really going to "get" what you are telling him. I think it is good to keep doing time out, but make sure it isn't for too long, only about a minute to a minute and a half. Then tell him simply why he was there and that it wasn't ok. Don't try to explain too much, his little brain won't process it yet. He is at an age that he is going to test you to the max, it is just part of him learning what the boundries are, so be conisistent. If you let him do something one time, but not the next, he will be confused as to what is expected of him.
Good luck!

My personal opinion is exactly what you are doing. Time outs are great and I'm a strong believer in talking to your child about why he was punished after the time out. You may feel that it isn't working, but keep doing it, maybe using a more stern voice. Consistency is what all children need. If you keep doing it he will know you are serious and start to understand. He is only 18 months remember a time out should only last as long as the child is old. Good luck!

At his age life is a game and mommies make funny faces when their mad etc....I was told with my first son, who now is 8, to redirect their energy to something else, that at 18 months on up to about 3 yrs that they don't really have the capacity to understand reasoning. Some one else told me that we moms need to keep to short simple statements when we need the little ones to "hear" us. Remember Peanuts and how the "adults" talked: blah blah blah, that's just what it really is, most of it goes over their head. It's not to say that we talk baby talk to them, but not drone on with reasonings. There's nothing funnier than arguing with a baby. At that point you've come down to their level, we are the grown-ups..... Keep it short and to the point...

A., I find that pulling the toddler onto my lap and saying he needs to sit with me until he can listen is very effective. Baby usually cries and I hold him til he gets it that he will need to sit with me. When quiet I tell him "we don't __________." Can you say, "OK, Mama?" or in my case "Nana". when my boys were young I did not know about the on the lap and tried time out with my very active toddler. It didn't work very well for me until the boys were around three. In today's language we talk about "taking a seat" and say to the 3 yr old....I hope you won't have to take a seat...or you can choose to come to me or take a seat. I am a nanny for my grand daughter and a little friend of ours. Wish you well. V. PS, please think carefully before ever using the word "Shame" with your son. shame comes so easily and can be so damaging to a child's self worth. He doesn't need shaming in my way of thinking...just lots of lovin and some good structure.

Hey A., it's Becca! I meant to tell you how I do Time-Out with my son (almost 20 months). Instead of making him sit on a step or a chair right now, he just has a corner that is time-out. When he breaks a rule (we have about 3 rules right now that are 'time-out worthy') we stop the behavior immediately and tell him to go to time-out. He usually runs over to his corner, but then of course he doesnt' want to stay there. So he sits on the floor in his corner and I just stand there, using my legs and hold him in. He usually tries to wiggle out, but I hold him there and don't look at him and count to 25 or so. Then I crouch to his level and hug him and tell him to say Sorry and tell him not to do whatever he did. Then he can go. I know we'll have to adjust this as he gets older, but it has worked SO well for us right now.

Wow you have two forms of advice coming in. The "discipline to prevent future behavior" and the "redirect and distract". I have three kids, with my oldest I thought that I needed to squelch any bad behavior before it became habit. I was constantly disciplining and all that. I was really strict and it backfired. As I was reading your situation and it finally dawned on me, "My baby is 18 months old!" It's not even in my brain for me to punish her yet. I have relaxed a bit and I have not yelled or punished her once (that I can remember). I have realized through experience that I have to choose my battles. If she is going to be hurt or hurt someone else I just take her away with a little "no, no" and take her to do something else. I am a happier mom, and I am glad to try again and not create a defiant child like my first, who I was way to strict with from the beginning. You are a good mom and you will do what is best for you and your son. Good luck.
N.

Redirecting and distracting is very useful, but I believe that there are times for a little discipline. My daughter is a little bit younger than your son, and I find the best way to discipline her is to take her away from the thing she loves most - her mom. After telling her no, I pick her up, bring her to her room and set her down, then I walk away. The door is always wide open, and she always comes crying to me. Then I pick her up, hug her, and tell her "I still love you, but don't do that." (I realize that every child is different and this method may need to be modified or just might not work, but it's worth a try, right?) Ever since I started doing that, she knows when I say no that she shouldn't do it. Sometimes it helps to squeeze her hand. It's a little bit of discomfort (not pain) that seems to snap her out of her determination to do something I've said no to. In all honesty I don't think much disciplining should happen at this age, so try to keep most temptations out of his reach.

Anyway, that's what I've done and it has worked amazingly well for me. My daughter really listens to me when I say no, so I don't have to do much disciplining anymore.

Hope this helps.

Talitha - mother of a 17 month old darling girl

Hey, A. ~ I got a smile for my day out of your little guy's reaction to "time out". He certainly communicated (the only way he is capable) that he's too little to "get" time out. Most kids who would cooperate with time out don't need it . . . that's the dilemma of this type of correction. If you want to try a modified type of time out that he cannot "escape from" you can put him in his high chair (or play pen with no toys) where you can monitor him from a nursery monitor so he can't see you or get any sort of attention for 5 to 10 minutes.

Try to isolate only one (the worst) "wrong" behavior to use this with. When the behavior occurs, firmly state "NO and name the behavior in ONE WORD. WITHOUT ANY FURTHER interaction, place him in the chair safely restrained with no toys and remove yourself from the area.

It is important, A., to balance ignoring type consequences with lots of positive attention from Mom when you catch your little guy doing what you WANT him to do. Sometimes our toddlers teach US to pay attention only when they are misbehaving because they aren't getting enough interaction from Mom any other way.

Hope this is helpful!

V.

I think you are doing the right thing. Make sure you are serious and very clear about what your son did wrong. Many kids go to time out without knowing why they are there. Redirecting is good at this age, but you should also make sure he is also learning what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable. This is an important learning time for your son. He is learning right from wrong but does not really have the self control to do what he knows is right. The self control will come soon and as long as you keep up the good work he will be able to make correct choices more often in the near future. Be patient and your effort will pay off.

Keep it short and simple. The more wordy you get the less he is actually learning. You will better teach him by your actions and not so much your words. Tell him why he is going into time out when you are placing him there(remember to not "start" the time until the fit has subsided-this is when the learning of consequence begins). When the time is up, give him a hug and some love and go on with your day. DO NOT go over the whole "why you were in timeout" with him when it is over, you will only be taking away from what you are trying to accomplish.

The thing i have found, is something the day care used, the took just a drop of tabasco sauce and put it on my girls toung. to this day she still get that when she gets out of hand. she is now 8 and i am glad it works.

He is strong-willed? Laughing at you is disrespectful. He should know the difference between you playing with him and scolding him at this age. I would make sure when you are scolding him that your tone is firm and your face has a look of displeasure to make sure you are getting your point across. If he laughs at you, tell him, "shame" and "laughing at me when I am talking to you about what you did wrong is not okay." Be firm and consistent. Sometimes I would place two of my fingers on my childs mouth and say, "No, no, this is not time for playing or laughing." My face and tone matched the action. They are much smarter at this age than we often we them credit for. Our first son got a lot of the benefit of the doubt when he was that age, we were firmer with our second son at that age, and our daughter didn't get away with anything...she's the best behave too!

I also think you're doing the right thing by starting time outs and addressing the problem the way you are. My best advice would be to remember that he's only 18 months old. He's acting just like any 18 month old would. I have two 20 month old boys right now, and a 3 1/2 year old girl that used to be 18 months. They all did the same things. As long as you're consistent in trying to teach him what's acceptable, he'll eventually catch on. Good luck.

Try re-directing and distraction, just give him something else to do that is more interesting and engaging!

At 18 months, my son was fine with a redirect, by 20 months he could understand that having a time out wasn't what he wanted. Every time he does something that you put him in time out for, even if he laughs, keep himin time out. Turn your back until he thinks you can't see him. If he leaves the spot, put him back, explain again why he is there and keep it up until he stays there for a 1 1/2 minutes (1 minute per year). Don't make eye contact, and don't let up until he completes his time. Then ask him for a hug or an apology, which ever he understands, and then let it go. If he doesn't do it, or hits you, put him in time out again with the reason you are doing it. Remember to be calm, but assertive. Good luck- I have a 2 year old that is as stubborn as I was! By the way, only you can judge if your child is time out ready- but it IS the better option than a spanking!

At 18 months the child repeats a behavior, or laughs at you, because of the response they get to that action. You are not going to get a change in behavior by explaining to him what he did. He does not have the capacity to put that explanation together with his actions, as far as he is concerned he is just getting your undivided attention. He sees it as a game.

The best thing to do is remove him from the situation, say simply "NO!" in a firm tone--thats it--no further explanation. Set him in another place with somethings else to do. IF he goes back to it. Remove him again and Say "I said NO!" in a firm voice.

One of the reasons he laughs is because he is getting a lot of attention for what he is doing. So after you remove him you have to walk away and not interact with him. You have to not interact back when he laughs--don't make a game out of it for him. You don't need to address the laughing just the original behavior, which you already did when you told him "NO!". At this age the laughing is an emotional response to the interaction not necessarily him "talking back" the way an older child might.

Ask him if he is going to act like that at school when he does go to school because if he does the other kids will make fun of him.

A.

Redirect, redirect, redirect. Although at 18mos a child is able to understand a timeout to a point , they are all but unable to control themselves. The best thing to do when an 18 month old misbehaves is tell them no and redirect them to a new activity or toy. At this age it helps not to stress out over the "misbehavior". Remember, what we think is bad behavior is them learning about the world. Enjoy your little one while you can! They are truly only young for a short time.

A.