I Need Help Dealing with My Mom

get daycare and quit having her watch your kid. your husband and your daughter come first. you know, sooner or later your daughter is going to notice the behavior of your mom and you don't want her mimicking it, do you? also, if she doesn't care about dividing you and your husband/brother/father, why would she even think twice about dividing you and your baby girl? just some things to think about......but seriously, just suck it up and get a good daycare. it'll be way worth it in the end.

I know this may sound strange, but I am just trying to help you think of things you may not have previously considered. Have you and your husband ever thought about living in a different town from your mom? I think you need to do what you can to distance yourself from your mom. Forget totally about going to counseling with her. You have to remember, you CAN'T change her...she has to want to change. You need to be worried about circling the wagons around your own family (you/your husband/your child)and do whatever you can to maintain and protect your own family and your marriage. If you were to do any type of counseling right now, I would recommend individual or marriage counseling, not any kind of counseling with your mom. Right now, it seems like your mom has all the power in your relationship. I would find an alternate childcare arrangement immediately, no matter if I had to quit my job and stay home with the child myself. Nothing is worth having a toxic person around your child full-time without your supervision. You will have more peace of mind having a stranger watch your child, than having your mom do so. The reason I say this is that if you employ a babysitter, they have to follow your rules or be let go. You really can't say the same for your mom, dad, or in-laws. When your child is with them, they may disregard your rules...this creates further conflict for you, and your child. If your child hears your mom going on and on, she will lose respect for you and do whatever your mom says.
When you get married, your role in the family changes, as you start your own family. You are giving away all the power to your mom. I think if you hire another babysitter and cut off contact with your mom for awhile, things may improve. You are not "really lucky" to have your mom babysit for you...she is toxic and controlling. She is "lucky" to be able to still have contact with you. I would definitely monitor all contact she has with my child and not leaving them unsupervised. Work with your husband as a team to make decisions. Consider advice of your mom, dad, and in-laws, but ultimately, YOU and your husband are responsible for your decisions.

Best of luck.

Dear H.:

Consider going to counseling by yourself to help you transition out of this "role" you've accepted from your mom. You've allowed her to rule you and this needs to stop. She is not going to change so you must.

Anne Marie is right. Your child will begin to lose respect for you if you continue on this path. But, not only that, I had a friend in the same situation and her HUSBAND lost respect for her, too. It's not worth it.

Your mom has violated the loyalty she owes to YOU, the true mother of the child. She should no longer care for the child and be allowed to continue to undermine your relationship with the baby. Because she watches the child for "free", you think it's worth it? It's NOT. It'll cost you WAY more in the long run.

Also, watching your child is not a favor; it's a privilege. As a privilege, it's something she no longer deserves.

Best wishes,

M.

Amen on all the other posters!
I, too, thought I had a "great relationship" with my mom while we were in it but stepping back for a while, I realize there were many seemingly innocent things that were not healthy for me or my husband or my kids. You may think you are "very lucky" to have free childcare but it isn't really free. You're paying for it with your marriage and the mental health of your own family.
Here's some more info for you.
1. Craiglist posts some really great folks for childcare if you are interested in only a "babysitter" and not a daycare. You need to be vigilant about your standards and interview but there are other alternatives out there that do not include being led around by the nose by your mom. It will be more expensive financially but emotionally TONS cheaper! ;-)
2. Get the book "Boundaries" (I think the author is Cloud.) Deals with some of these issues and ways around them.
3. You may have to cut off relations with you mom (perhaps indefinitely) to help her realize that this is not an acceptable way to treat you or your family. Since you already say your hubby's relationship with your mom is rocky, think that he may be feeling disrespected when you bend to HER will (not his) to keep the peace. This will eventually wear on your marriage to the point of breaking. You may need to negotiate with him about which is more important to him - the money you save or the peace and sovereignty in your immediate family. It's tough to start but it gets easier and truthfully, you will be surprised how much more free you feel without having to run to the beat of her drummer. You may want to think about what is the ideal relationship with your mom, what is the minimal acceptable behavior, and spell out to her a goal somewhere in the middle as what you EXPECT from her to go forward from here. Also, establish consequences for her if she violates the minimal acceptable and ENFORCE THEM. Ultimately, it ain't gonna be pretty but it's time to take the reigns for YOUR family out of your momma's hands. You're in for a tough patch here initially but it gets LOTS better in the future.
4. Also may want to do some research on passive aggressive behavior on the web and understand that she WILL bring out the big guns (guilt, manipulation, trying to bring in other friends/family members against you, you name it...) But remember that your family needs to come above everything else (wealth, friends, extended family, etc.) and whenever the topic comes up with her or anyone else politely explain you are doing what is best for your family. Discussions and debates will not yield progress so avoid them if you can.
Hope this helps!
:-)
jen

Hi H.! I think you did EXACTLY the right thing! Setting boundaries can be hard, especially when someone already has a habit of walking all over you but it's absolutely necessary.
My MIL was like that with me. I had to write her a letter very similar to the one you wrote your mom. We went to counselling with our pastor and she did NOT get it until we had ZERO contact with her for 6 months.
Don't give in! Don't let your mom take over! The consequences can be horrible. My (then) four year old son treated me horribly whenever he came in contact with my MIL. He totally picked up on the attitude she had toward me. He now treats me beautifully and my relationship is "mostly" healed with my MIL. She is learning to respect my boundaries that I CLEARLY stated to her.
Stand your ground! Take back your family and DO draw that line in the sand that your hubby was talking about. YOu can do it! :)

Wow!!! You are dealing with MY mom. I am now a grandma and am very involved with my grandchildren. I have babysat all of the ones here close by and have even had custody of one of them for three years in his early life. I don't alway agree with what my kids do with their children, but would never attempt to tell them what to do or how to do it, unless I felt that the child was in danger. That being said, your situation with your mother is critical. You need her love, but you don't need her control. You have set the guidelines and it is her turn to follow the rules you set up. I have learned with my mother to just listen and let her go on. I don't respond to any negative conversation. I then change the subject. If your mother tells people that she does everything, I would tell them that it is a blessing to have her help with so much and that it is good to have her to reinforce what you are doing with our child and what you are teaching your daughter. Don't let her get by with making you or your husband look like bad parents. Do this and she will have nowhere to go. Do not let her tell you how to parent. You did the right thing by leaving with your daughter, so keep up the good work.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

Hi H.,

I feel your pain. My Father is very much what you are discribing but to a further degree.I know it is not at all easy, my husband feels the same way about my parent as well & it really is awful to be stuck in the middle, The Peacemaker. May I suggest a book that helped me enormously?-
It is called:
"Stop Walking on Eggshells"
By Paul T. Mason, M.S. & Randi Kreger
Don't be scared off by the prefix, (Taking back your life when someone you know has borderline Personality disorder)
BPD IS NOT split personality disorder, it is something COMPLETELY different. & is actually usually caused as a coping mechanism as a result of a difficult childhood. Even if your Mom does not have BPD the book WILL STILL HELP YOU find ways to cope with her personality. It's a book for you, and how to deal with her so that you can set limits & protect your feelings without going overboard. It's only a little over 200 pages so it's a quick read, I read it in three days bcause I was so despirit for help with my Dad.

I really hope this helps you, other people can advise you all they want but it's your Mother & you know her story like no one else. Wishing you the very best outcome.
:^) S.

I have to agree with the others on two important pieces of advice; counseling for yourself and change the daycare relationship. my sister struggled with my mother as well in the same regards (although not nearly as severe as what you are describing) and a huge piece of it was my mom taking care of her kids and the expectations along with that. changing the relationship to grandmother and not daycare provider might help tremendously.
the other issue to consider is the effect on your daughter; mine is almost 22 months and as she's acquiring language in leaps and bounds right now I'd be very concerned about what she is hearing and learning from her grandmother. She is so insecure and self-serving and talks about herself as if she's mothering your daughter and raising her and not you, I'd imagine she's saying those same things around your daughter.
good luck, this is a tough situtation and it sounds like you are taking the right approach and doing what you can to maintain the relationship.

You have done an admirable job in trying to fix the relationship. But at the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself first. Realize that you cannot fix your mom. You cannot continue to dance around her feelings, especially when it puts your marriage at risk. I think your husband has only gotten upset with you because he loves you and doesn't like to see you treated badly. Whether or not your mom realizes what she is doing, it's not ok.

Depending on your mom for daycare means that you have to continue the relationship no matter what (no matter how she treats you)... and it sounds like she senses this and takes advantage. Like the others have said, I think looking into other daycare options is a very important first step for you here. When you have other options, that in itself may change the relationship. Your mom will realize she is lucky for the time she gets to spend with you and your daughter. Don't let her guilt you into anything. You have enough on your plate just being a working mom without her baggage!

Do what's right for you and don't look back. You are a good person! Good luck!

Stop!! Stop blaming yourself! I have felt many of the same feelings you are feeling towards your mom. Honestly, the only way I was able to get over this was cutting her off for a while. I know that is not something you want to do. And you might even feel like that will cause more drama between you two. It might. But if your mom loves you and wants to be apart of "your" life than she needs to understand that this is your child and you need to keep the ball in your court. I feel that our mothers seem to think that they know what's best always! And maybe they do, but you and your hubby need to raise your daughter the way you want. It seems like you are allowing her to take over because you don't want to fight. Well just think about it, you might not be fighting with her but with someone else more important, your husband! That's not okay!
In the end, my mom ended up reasoning with me and coming to an understanding. She is now starting to come around more often, but when I choose and allow it. This might not work with you and your mom, but I hope something helpped. Good luck. Stay strong...

I agree with what many of the others have said. I think that the key here is to change your mom's relationship with your daughter to one of grandmother, not childcare provider.

My parents keep my girls after preschool everyday, which is fantastic for everyone and I am grateful. But, it is not the same as in the past when I have hired someone. You can never really give family the same direction as someone that you are paying. And, my parents (and probably your mom to some extent) really just want to be the grandparents and have the fun without the stress of disciplining, etc.

I know that it's hard to leave your kids in a new childcare situtation (especially with your first), but your daughter is old enough that she will adapt and likely enjoy a new setting (particularly with other toddlers).

I suspect that if you change the childcare situation, your other issues with your mom will work themselves out. The only tricky thing is going to be selling the change as you are doing it for her, not that you are "firing" her.

Good luck. Both childcare and parents are challenging things to deal with!

Is this my sister? Cuz I think we have the same mother! I second, third and fourth what EVERYONE ELSE is saying; you right to be offended and right to say something. I was a very young mother (15, yikes!) and often felt like I was raising my mother and my daughter together. But I was completely dependant on her to be able to finish high school... long story; but my point is the same: I was the mother and ultimately, have had to make MANY difficult decisions that would have been easier to not have to make. We now live 2000 miles apart; and our 'relationship' is what it is. I have my husband and my beautiful children to take care of; not some selfish 45 year old. :) Stay strong sista!

K.

Wow! I can really relate! I've read the Eggshell book, gone to counseling, and spent a couple years trying to set boundaries. Honestly, I haven't gained much ground. My husband and I decided to let my mom take care of our baby two days a week. The baby is crazy about her, and because we made that decision, I've decided to simply "submit" on "her" days. It's easier than fighting, and quite frankly, I just don't have the energy (I work full-time too) Good luck!!

First of all, this is NOT something that you "fix". It is also not something that "will work itself out". It is obvious that you are bothered by the whole situation. It does not sound to me like you are interested in cutting your mom out of your life mostly or completely (as others have suggested). You have lived in the same town and you are one of her only friends (now, do not put undue pressure or guilt on yourself about this, because YOU are the ONLY person who can protect yourself from her guilt and negative comments). I think if you continue to stay level headed and keep your daughters best interest at heart (like the time when you let her continue sleeping), you will be able to maintain the limits that you set. She will learn that what you say, you do. What needs to happen is you need to search your soul and heart and set up guidelines of what your mom is allowed to do/say and NOT allowed to do/say. Tell her that it hurts your feelings when she says, she "Does it all". How would she be if you just called her on it right in front of the people that she is bragging to? Straight up front say, "That is not very nice and I don't appreciate that comment. Please do not say that again." If she continues to build herself up by breaking you down (which is what she is trying to do), I think then and only if she has been clearly told and ignored, then you will be forced to follow through. It is just like the tough love parents give to their kids, just reversed! It sound to me like she has been able to manipulate you over the years by saying childish things like not wanting to be your friend. Well, if she falls short in the friend department and you are really tired of it, then limit your time together and visits. She may try and buck the system if she thinks you don't have the emotional strength. BE strong, remember you are the only one that can protect your emotional feelings and set boundaries.

If she is not going to be sensitive to your feelings, then create logical consequences for her disrespecting actions. (That is what we try to do as parents too...remember, in many ways, she is the child.) When you talk with your mom, be sure it is from a place of love. What I mean by this is that you make sure she knows that you love her and appreciate her. If she looses it, explain to her that you will not tolerate being manipulated by her tantrums or outbursts anymore. You are an adult, you are the mother of your daughter and yes, you are her child. But, you are your daughters legal guardian and you make the ultimate decisions for your child, not her. If she believes that you will take action if she continues or misbehaves again, I believe she will back off on her cocky attitude about "doing it all" for the baby.

I know that your mother is immature in ways, but she does have a lot of love and knowledge to share with both you and your daughter. The part of your husband not getting along with your mom, I can relate to. It appears to me that you try and shelter both of them from each other. You protect your mom from your husband and vice versa. You need to keep the peace with hubby, but it doesn't sound like you want to cut mom off cold turkey. Ask yourself, do I talk/complain to hubby too much about mom and her childish behaviors? Maybe he is tired of seeing the pain that she causes because it makes him sad to see you hurt?
Remember your mom does have valuable knowledge about parts of caring and parenting to share with you and your baby. She loves your daughter. Maybe if you sat her down and put it from the perspective of what is best for baby, she might hear you better. But, also remember that You and ONlY you can protect yourself and your daughter. You can't continue to be manipulated by her and you dont want your baby learning that that is what she too is suppose to do. Stand firm, Stand strong figure out what exactly you can tolerate and exactly what you can't. Believe in yourself, you are a great mom and an even greater daughter if you can be the "bigger" person about this situation. But remember that there is ALWAYS a place for tough love. (If mom gets out of line, she needs to have a logical consequence.) Do not let her ever talk down to you! That is completely unacceptable. Your husband is right that you need to draw your line i the sand. But it sounds like you are struggling with WHERE to draw it at. Since mom is not willing to go to counseling with you, I still think it would be a great idea for you to go alone! Counselors have many tools they can share with you to help you learn how to manage your mom's behaviors.

BEst of luck, this will be a learning period for both you and your mother.

H.,
I have to agree with your husband. A line must be drawn if you expect her to respect you and your rights as a parent. To truly be her friend you need to be honest with her and with yourself. I went somethihg like this with my mom a few years ago. I adore her very much and for so long wasn't honest with her about what I was feeling as I was afraid to offend her. Now that I am honest and open with her we are even closer and have a better friendship. True friends are always honest with each other even if it hurts a little. Sometimes tough love is the only way to go. Relying on her to provide daycare for your child does give her the chance to be the one teaching your daughter a lot, even her bad habits and ways of thinking. Your husband needs to come before your mother. He must be respected as your mate and as your daughters parent as well. Together you 2 need to figure out what is best for your daughter and go from there. And NO you are not a jerk. I am sure from years of always giving you in FEEL like a jerk however you are NOT!! Stand your ground and remember that you are the parent to your daughter and your mom must only be allowed to be a grandma even though she does care for your child daily. If she cannot do that, then you will need to find another place for your daughter to go. This of course is only my opinion however please know that continuing to allowing her to always get her way just shows her that she DOES run the show. Good luck!

It sounds to me like you are an expert at dealing with your Mom, so I'm not sure how much advice anyone is going to be able to give you in regards to how to deal with her.

My only suggestion would be to make peace with her now in any way that you can. Then start looking into other daycare options. By the time you take to thoroughly research other options this situation will have blown over. At that you point you will either have a different perspective on things and may want to leave things "as is" or if you still feel like things need to change you can tell her that now that your daughter is older you feel she really needs socialization with other kids her age on a daily basis (Not that kids that young necessarily do...that's a very personal parenting decision. I'm just suggesting you use that as an excuse to stop using your Mom as your daycare without hurting her feelings). You could even say that this is per your Pediatrician's advice (I often blame the Pediatrican when I disagree with my mom or mil in regards to parenting choices). You could even go so far as thanking her for all the love & care she's given her but apologize for "taking the joy" out of being a grandparent by having her be such a big caregiver. Tell her you realize that the best part of being a grandparent is spoiling the kid and sending them home and as the daycare provider she hasn't had that luxury.

Not the most honest & forthright approach, but it is an option if you don't think you can work this out with her. Good luck!!!

I don't think this will be much help, but you are not alone. :)

As you discovered very early in your life, you cannot change her. You cannot "fix" the relationship. Trying to fix things will exhaust and frustrate you, and her behavior will still be the same.

You will have to figure out how much you want her in your lives. That answer will undoubtedly change and fluctuate, and that's OK!! Just figure out what is your absolute bottom line as far as what you will, and won't, accept. Even if your mom doesn't agree, stick to what works for YOUR family. You are someone else's mom now.

You are not a jerk. She is not crazy. You're just very different people.

Good luck! :)

H.,
I don't have any advice, but I have to say, I am mighty impressed with your level-headedness and ability to be a healthy adult in light of your mom's limitations. It seems to me that given your innate common sense and compassion for all considered, you and your husband will very likely come up with a reasoned, (if not painful for some), answer to raising your child. (Any solid parenting you offer your darling daughter will present a loss for your mom's--she didn't get that from her mother, and also couldn't give that to you-- consider that as part of her response!)
Good luck!
Susan

This would be why there are a couple of oceans and continents between me and my mom.
No but kidding aside - you are right to say something.
I think it would be wise to change to another daycare provider. Your daughter can still go see grandma - but it wont be a day to day basis- and your mom wont get to take credit for everything.
My mother in law has been taking care of my nephews since day one - and she also makes a point to say so - even in front of their mom. In this scenario - I kind of agree since she off loads her kids at my MIL at all hours - and almost every day of the week, this doesn't seem to be your case - so do not missunderstand me here.
Good Luck - I think you are right!

i think i could become ur mom. im really glad you brought this up. i as a mom to adult kids, i always think my ideas are better than thiers, only because 'i've been there and done that', that i forget thier opinions or suggestion are not less valued because they are young or inexperienced.

go ahead and tell ur mom how you feel. and when she starts acting up in front of others, just gently point out, 'mom remember what we discussed?' us mothers will always view you as children. we dont like the idea that you dont need us as much, so really being the daycare really puts us on high. maybe put ur child on day care part time and ur mom the rest of the week.

You are very articulate in describing your situation.

Next, it is your Mom's issues... that has then lassoed ALL of you (you, hubby) and now your daughter. It keeps everyone "hostage" so to speak. It is "dysfunctional", and I"m sure you know that about your Mom.

You HAVE to think long term.... about how you want it to continue. It WILL continue just the same as it always has... unless your Mom changes. Which, chances are slim for that, it is based on hope, not reality.

Next, if anything is going to "change" it has to be on your/Hubby's part... and going forward in your lives, DESPITE Mom and letting her "control" everyone.
Next, I would find a 'real" babysitter... not your Mom, to watch your daughter. That way, that is one less major entanglement... that she will have in YOUR life, your daughter's and your Husbands...and the neighborhoods. Since she has a loose mouth and gossips about your "private" issues and family life.... and it SHOULD be off-limits. Your Mom has shown she has no sanctity for "privacy."

YOU can maintain a 'relationship" with her... but you cannot expect your Husband to do so. He already, correctly, knows about your Mom's M.O. (method of operation), and controlling-passive aggressive behavior. THIS is not healthy... for anyone, you as a child or you as an adult, or for your daughter who is still forming behaviorally and emotionally.

YOu cannot "fix" her... nor everyone. They do not have to change, while your Mom continues to do her damage. Its sad... but you have to have a life with her... on YOUR terms, or by yourself.

You said "she isn't giving me many choices..." Um, why should her "rules" govern you? You are an adult, with your own family and husband and child, now. That is the priority... not pleasing her, as a little girl. YOU are the adult, now. If you continue to replicate the same dynamic you had with her as a child... then the dynamic WILL stay the same. And that is your choice.
We all have choices. But not when it psychologically/emotionally burdens others in our own family. ie: your Husband and daughter.
You don't want to bring those dysfunctions into your own family do you? Or with your Husband & daughter- they are not the cause of your Mom's burdens upon them, she is the instigator. And, be mindful of HOW your daughter will "learn" about this too... as she gets older. You wouldn't want her to learn about misguided parent/child relationships...NOR would you want her to replicate this vicious cycle herself, would you?

YOU ARE NOT BEING A JERK! You are very mindful of what is going on. NOW, it is up to you, to live as you wish... and in the best way for your Husband and daughter. Not letting your Mom govern them too.

All the best,
Susan

Hi H....
You say your Mom is awesome...she may be in some respects buy not as your "child care provider". Research has shown that family members are the least desirable....pretty much for all the reasons you have stated. Your little one can pick up on the tension..and really..at 22 months she should be socializing with other little ones.

You may want to consider other child care arrangements. This would solve a multitude of problems and at 22 mos she really should be with other lttle ones..which would take the "blame" for this change off your shoulders.

Just my opinion..after many, many years of provider quality child care and talking to parents about how to find and identify the best caregviers.

Hope this gives you food for thought..this may save your relationship with Mom..and also give your husband equal footing when it comes to child care for your daughter.

V....

Ever read the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells"? May want to pick it up as it describes your mom and may give you some ideas of how to deal with this and future situations. Sounds like you do an incredible job as it is! May also suggest getting counseling yourself, not as "your problem," but for support when others may not support you or when you question yourself. Very best to you and YOUR baby!

Jen

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds very stressful and I know how hard it must be on you.

A friend of mine is going through something very similar with her mother. The big difference is that her mother lives an hour away and does not provide full time care for my friend's four children. However, they have always been close, my friend has always been the center of her mom's life and her mom is always telling her what's best for the kids, how to raise them, how to handle every single situation, etc. She makes my friend feel guilty for not taking her advice. My friend's husband doesn't get along with the mother and the mother also has problems with her own husband. So, all in all, a lot of it is the same. Oh, my friend's mom is also resistant to counseling, though she did try it briefly.

What has helped my friend the most has been individual counseling. She has learned a lot about herself through the counseling, as well as a lot she never fully realized about her relationship with her mom. It's enabled her to stand up more to her mom (similarly to what you said in your email) and helped her learn to get her point across in an assertive, effective way.

I would recommend talking to your mom, rather than emailing her, as tone of voice can be really misinterpreted over email and thus change the whole feeling of what you're saying. But I really think you would benefit from individual counseling and maybe, somewhere down the line, your mom will agree to join you. Where do you live? I might be able to recommend someone.

I hope it gets better soon.

K.
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