I Need Help. College Scholarship Now Wants Boy Instead

Updated on July 18, 2016
N.S. asks from Ashland, OH
9 answers

my 18 year old daughter enrolled in an honors college last Saturday. Happy, excited Sunday she told us she was going to work and didn't come home. Now she is with a 22 year old who lives at home with his mom. We knew they went out a couple times but she didn't seem interested. she is now saying she wants to not go to this school but go to a 2 year college (she would have been in prelaw) and live with him. She will lose all scholarships and chances if she does this. Has anyone else been through this and what did you do. She says she loves us and we did great raising her but she thinks this should be her path.

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So What Happened?

To clarify the college she was accepted at the school a long time ago. She just signed up for classes. It's been a week. She rarely responds to any text messages unless it is a pun or joke. Her and the boy moved out of his mom's house. Supposedly he and his sister were buying a house and they just moved in. We never gave her back her car. We just keep the cellphone going so she has a line of communication with us. We show up at her work just to see her and she acts like this is normal. So for the next few weeks we are going to just let it be. We send texts that we love her, but since she works not much else we can do. Please keep praying that he shows his true colors. He says everything a parent wants to hear. He encourages her to go to college supposedly, but says he just wants her to be happy and if it's not going an hour and a half away he's good with that.

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answers from Appleton on

Try to make a deal with her. Ask her to go to the school where she is already signed up for at least a semester hopefully you can convince her a year. If she still wants to transfer to be with the boyfriend then she can.
My daughter was talked out of college and into marriage at 19, filed for a divorce at 23. She is now 29 mother of 2 step-mom to 4, married a second time and trying to finish a degree. She got her Associate's but wants her Bachelor's maybe a Master's Degree. Her second husband is great and very supportive.
It was impossible to convince her at the young age of 19 that the boyfriend did not have her best interests in mind. He wanted to get married and convinced her he had money set aside for her college and he would be supportive ... uumm didn't happen until she left him.
I tried and her older siblings tried to tell her to wait a year but she refused.

Remember she is an adult and can run off and marry this guy anytime she chooses. So be careful how you word things and keep telling her you only want what is best for her. NEVER say anything bad about this guy it will only make her cling tighter to him.

8 moms found this helpful

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answers from Norfolk on

If this new love of her live has ANY REAL feelings for her, he should be the FIRST to tell her he doesn't want to get in the way of her bright future.
If he wants to marry her - he should be very interested in her income potential.
I met my husband when we were kids.
We got our education - at separate colleges - got our careers going - THEN got married - bought our first house 9 months later - and had our son 9 years later.
If it's 'true love' - he'll still be there when she finishes school.
And he should be working on a career of his own while your daughter is at school.
This whole 'relationship' seems to have popped up awfully quickly.
I'm having a hard time reconciling someone who puts all this effort into school, school applications, scholarship applications, testing scores - and NOW all of a sudden she turns a 180 degree turn away from goals she's been working toward for 4 years of high school for some guy 4 yrs older than she is.
I hope she wakes up PDQ because she's going to have a life time of regret filled with 'what ifs' if she turns this opportunity down now.

If she's going to live with this guy, then she's not living with you - and so she will not be your dependent.
This means you don't support her financially anymore - and she (and he - yeah he's really going to love that - so will his mom) can be responsible for paying back any student loans she's taken out.
This gets you off the hook for filling out a FAFSA for the rest of her college years.
This totally messes up her financial aid package and even a 2 yr college could cause her a whole lot of debt.
I'm not sure what the school she's enrolled in will do when they learn she's changed her mind.
Perhaps a family meeting with her, her boyfriend, his Mom and you and Hubby can discuss the young couples plans for their future and who's going to pay for what.
It might end up being a "Welcome to adulthood! By the way - adults pay their own way!" meeting of the minds session.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

I'm gathering that she was already accepted, etc but just this weekend paid deposits and registered for particular classes maybe?

If she has generous scholarships, she might not feel like it matters. But haven't there already been deposits made? Who paid those? If it was you, then I suggest you tell her that if she doesn't go for at least the one semester, that she owes that money back to you, because it is wasted for nothing. The school will rescind its offers, but that's not money out of her actual pocket, so it won't really hurt now... not until later when it all goes south will she realize how much it hurts. But right now, having to come up with cash to repay what YOU have already paid out of pocket might be a wee bit of an eye opener. You might be able to persuade her that it's worth not having to pay that back to you by going just the one semester. ?

Her boyfriend isn't going to want to give you several hundred dollars. Neither is his mom. Does your daughter have any funds of her own? And yes, I'd also show her the cell phone bill and tell her that as an adult you'll expect her to pay you her monthly share, up front, or you'll have to terminate her line. Oh, and car insurance... most young people have no clue about that. If she has a car to drive, you might consider letting her pay you some payments for it, but she'll need to have insurance in her own name once the title is transferred. Better check into where and how much to be sure she can afford it, or be prepared to relinquish the car back to you. And so on.
Treat her like the adult she thinks she is. She's not, not really. But you won't convincer her of it. Treat her like one anyway. It's how they become adults. :/

sorry. I hope she has a change of heart and decides to proceed as previously planned.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

Was the plan for her to go away to college and live in the dorm?

When I was 18 and off to college, we packed up the car and started driving when I told my dad to turn around and take me home that I didn't want to go. I was pretty terrified! My mom told me that they had already paid my first semester's tuition and housing and that I was going for at least the semester. Turns out she was having just as hard a time as I was, but she loved me enough to wait until they were on their way home for the tears to fall!

I do understand that this is very much about a boy, but is there any way your daughter is a little scared about this next step? It can be a big one! I don't know what conversations you've had with her, but this isn't just about 4 year vs. 2 year college (where she would likely transfer to a 4 year) or about Pre-Law vs. any other major. It's really about a missed opportunity and you knowing that if they are meant to be together, they can wait for her to finish school.

I don't really have advise except to ponder a few things that she might be thinking and feeling.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mampedia!

She's a legal adult. However, ask her to consider this:

IF he loves her? And their love is TRUE? It WILL withstand college. And he WILL support her in getting a higher education. If he say "wait" - it's not love, it's control.

Since she's a legal adult - you can't "TELL" her what to do. However, you can STRONGLY SUGGEST that she NOT walk away from her scholarships. SUGGEST that she TRY this scholarship for 2 years and if it's not right? Well - then - by all means - try community college.. But don't walk away from the scholarships.

Why would she NOT want to succeed at life? Why does she feel that she should walk away from these scholarships? What benefit will she have by walking away from these scholarships?

Ask her questions. Don't FEED her answers ASK how she will take care of herself and provide for herself without an education. What is this boy's plan for them? How is HE going to take care of them? He's not even living on his own. His MOM is okay with this? That's a surprise...I wonder if he has her bamboozled too.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Ugh - the thrill of a new infatuation can really derail someone's plans.

If you tell her "no", she will run to him even faster just to prove you wrong, I suppose.

I'm not sure how she just enrolled this week in a college that starts, when? September? That doesn't sound right. She should have had her acceptances in months ago. So either check that info or clarify (by editing your question) what you mean.

In general, the best thing to do with adult kids is have them do the math. If she's moving out of your house, that's one thing. If she expects you to pay for something that would have been covered by a scholarship, then that's something else. The stance you might take is that she says she is an adult and can choose with whom to live, so therefore she's an adult in all categories.

Your dreams that she be in pre-law can't take the place of her dreams. But if she's being enabled by his mother who is planning to let her live there rent-free (really? food and everything?), you are better off not fighting her and providing a soft place for her to fall when this thing goes south. Just ask her some questions about her budget and her tuition, how she plans to pay for school, room, board, medical care (including contraception), cell phone, and car insurance to get herself back and forth to class. Sometimes a nonjudgmental reality check can work wonders.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

As a mom, I might have trouble being this tough with her. I've had some difficulty following through on allowing natural consequences when my daughter made some life changing decisions. I suggest it's important to tell her she's responsible, as an adult, for the natural consequences of declaring herself an adult, able to decide that she would change her plans. An adult, is responsible for all their decisions. If you bail her out by helping her deal with the college and scholarships and continuing to pay as if she lived at home and following through with the plans you were a part of. It's reasonable to agree to pay expenses when you see her moving forward in a responsible way. Her decision to move in with a boyfriend and cancel plans is not part of your plan to support her. I urge you to stay firm with the original plan. Tell her you aren't able to continue financially supporting her because the plan has changed.

I urge you to be as unemotional and businesslike as possible. Yes, tell her you are disappointed/hurt. Reality is that you cannot continue to pay her bills. Don't try to change her mind. "This is your choice. This is the consequence of your choice." Adults make decisions and find a way to live with them.

The more you directly try to change her mind, the more she's going to dig in and defend her choice. You will just be introducing her to the responsibilities of adult life. Until now she has been dependent on you. She has declared herself independent. Let her. I suggest that once she realizes that there are responsibilities that go along with moving out, suddenly changing the goal she's worked towards.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

I wonder whether some of this could be motivated by fear of leaving behind the familiar. Are the boy and the two year college nearby? How about the school she was going to attend?

A lot of good advice is in the comments below. I've just one thing to add - it might be worth encouraging her to check with the school offering her scholarships and see if she can defer enrollment for one term or for an academic year. Sometimes it is possible to do this without losing the money - it depends on the terms of the scholarship. A deferment might give her time to rethink things. It would also give her time to experience adult reality if she continues on her present course. If she will not listen and reconsider, a few months of paying ALL her own expenses might teach her some things she needs to learn.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Apparently she was very interested in him.

I am the mother of two and I do have a daughter. You are going to have to release all your expectations. You can't live through her. She doesn't want to go to this school? Ok.

So a conversation needs to be had regarding this NEW change of plans. How is she going to afford the 2 year college and what she is interested in? The reason I ask is a 2 year degree in certain studies gets you NOTHING. So what is the plan? You state she had scholarships. Does she expect you to pay for this new plan? Also, is it too late to apply for the new school? You are about a month away from her leaving home.

Do NOT discourage her with this new boy. Trust me, that is NOT in your best interest. I would ask her to spend the day with you. Go to the school she is slated to go to. Visit the campus again. Remind her what she has worked so hard for. Again, do NOT run down the boyfriend. That will only make her run faster to him. Believe me. We almost lost our daughter that way. I was so hell bent on being right (which I was) that I almost pushed her away completely. I backed off and decided to start buying stuff for college. I bought a tub and every month I would get stuff and put it in the tub. We went several times to the university she wanted to go to and visit the campus and attend "Open Day" . She was interested in sorority and so we had a nice talk to all of them during that time. Focus on HER not HIM.

I would suggest that she really doesn't have the time to apply to the new school. I would encourage you to encourage her to go to the planned school and apply during the fall semester. That also gives her time to secure funding. Good luck!!

2 moms found this helpful
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