I Need Help!!!!!! - Portsmouth,VA

You definitely have your hands full...and I can sympathize. Although I didn't have my first child until I was 26, I had my first two (both boys) 27 months apart. I had similar problems with my oldest beginning when my second was around a year old. I began spending individual time with each child when I possible could. This was difficult as I was active duty Air Force at the time, and my husband was serving a one year tour in Korea as well around that time. But I knew that older children will act out more when there is a baby in the picture. I also took my son to a child therapist...it was actually more theapy for me than for him, she helped me immensely. She let me know that I wasn't a bad mom and I didn't have bad kids. I was overwhelmed and doing the best that I could. Take heart...the problems you are having do get better. But as they get better other things do arise. Find friends who have children your children's ages and arrange play dates if you can. Find a friend who will share babysitting with you. I have done this with a friend I have had for the past 10 years, if one of us has errands to run or want to take the older children someplace we will call the other. We never charge for babysitting, we just take care of each other. Even though I now have 4 children and the older two are teenagers and help with occasionally babysitting the younger two (ages 8 and 1) I still call on my friend fequently as she does me. Her two are now 11 and 4. This saves us babysitting money and gives us a break when we need it.
As far as the potty training, again I feel for you. My first son was 3 1/2 when he was finally potty trained and my second was 3 and 11 months! My older one's day care teacher gave me a recommendation that I tried. Worked like a charm for my oldest, my second it didn't phase. I told Justin that Mommy wasn't going to clean up any more of his poopy diapers. As a matter of fact, we weren't going to have any more diapers for him. They were for babies like his brother. So I got him some cool big boy underwear...spiderman! Then when he wet on himself, he had to change his own underwear and pants..and shirt if necessary. If he messed on himself he had to clean himself up. He would let me know or I would notice him going. I would put newspapers on the bathroom floor and give him the wipes. He then cleaned himself up. He cried and said "This is yucky I don't like it" I told him I don't like it either that's why I don't want to clean up his yucky messes anymore. It only took TWO times till he decided he would rather use the potty! Jonathan on the other hand I just had to give up on. When I finally stopped pushing him to use the potty, after a couple weeks he just started using it on his own. My 8 year old was a blessing...she potty trained herself before she was 2! Each child has their own schedule...and temperment. Be patient and try not to push too hard. I attributed part of Justin's problem with the fact that he had a baby brother in diapers and saw that he got extra attention because of the diaper changes. Maybe he still wanted to be a baby too, I don't know. But he didn't like having to clean himself up! Try it and let me know how it works for you. My husband would never let the boys in the bathroom with him when he had to "go", but my daughter followed me everywhere, including the bathroom. I believe that is how she learned to go quicker than my boys. That might be something you want to try as well. When you have to go, invite your daughter to go in with you (I didn't have to invite Lauren!). Often children learn by observing. I hope some ramblings of a 42 year old veteran mom have helped!

I am trying to figure out why the girls have time to make such messes, especially is the house it child proofed like it should be, and if they have constant supervision. I just can figure out when they had time to go in the bathroom, get the toothpaste, and rub it everywhere. Then go, and according to you, have to climb to get the crayons, and then color every where..... where were you through all of this? they should never be out of your sight... not for a second.

Try getting the doorknob covers so they cant open the bathroom door. Make sure you get up IMMEDIATELY when they do. Have everything you need in the living room (diapers and such) so you dont have to leave them to do that. When you have to make lunch sit them at the table with crayons and paper, or some kind of craft to work on. Make sure you keep them busy during the day with activities. Maybe try a schedule so they know what to expect and when. Something like.... Breakfast at (whenever they wake up), then free play, then outside play, craft time, lunch time, nap time, snack time, free play (or outside) and so on.....

I have watched three young children before (I am a nanny) and I have NEVER had this problem, but the kids never had the chance. the trick is keeping them busy and providing attention.

also- when they do make a mess make them clean it. Or at least help you.

As for the potty training. Just talk about it a lot. Don't force her to do anything, that will make it worse. does she have a potty seat, or at least a little seat to put over the big potty seat and a step-stool? Let her go to the bathroom with you and make a big deal about it. Maybe even put her in the thick training panties so she knows immediately when she goes. Try something like M&M's in the bathroom and whenever she uses the potty she gets some.... and like the other mom said- when you pick a day, that's all you should do that day. And LOTS of praise, and NO punishment for not using the potty.

Good luck!

HI I GUESS U DO NEED SOME HELP GIRL THREE LITTLE GIRLS BUT ANYWAYZ TRY TALKIN TO THEM DIRECT LIKE GET DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL MAKE THEM LOOK U IN YOUR EYES AND SAY I A MEAN VOICE DON'T DO IT AGAIN B/C IF YOU DO IM GOIN TO PUT YOU IN TIME OUT SAME AS THE OTHER ONE AND YOU JUST HAVE TO PUNISH THEM AND STAY ON THEM DONT GIVE UP IF U SAY TO DO SOMETHNG AND THEY DONT PUNISH AND THEN KEEP IT UP DONT GIVE IN AND MEAN IT DONT KEEP TELLIN THEM IF U DONT I GONNA GET U B/C THEY THINK THAT U ARE PLAYIN BUT MAKE SURE U MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM AND AS FOR THE 3 YEAR OLD TRY SITTIN ON THE POTTY WHILE SHE IS SITTIN ON HERS AND TAKE HER JUST ABOUT EVERYTIME YOU GO AND SAY THATS WHAT BIG GIRLS DO OR SOMETHING IN THAT NATURE TRY TO GIVE TREATS WHILE SHE IS SITTIN THERE SOME WOMEN DONT LIKE TO LET THEIR CHILD IN THERE WHILE THEY ARE USIN BUT THEY HAVE WHAT U HAVE BUT IF THAT DONT WORK TRY SOMEONES OTHER MOMS SUGGESTIONS BUT GOOD LUCK WITH IT

Hi D.,

First let me say that i am sorry for all the stress you must be under. Secondly I am not sure if this applies (but i think it could work)When my 13 yr. old was your daughters age, he would get really frustrated at basically EVERYTHING! At the time his pediatrician told me to sit on the floor, put him in my lap, cross my legs over his and wrap my arms around the rest of his body in a secure hug until he calmed down and was able to tell me that he will stop. So, my suggestion to you is, when they misbehave, put them in a time out and tell them why. If they get up, put them back. If they continue to get up or argue with you, give the above method a shot and do not forget that while you are holding them they are going to be pitching a fit. You need to stay calm and keep mentioning that when they calm down and agree to behave that you will let them go. I hope things get better for you,
B.
P.S. The recommended book "The Strong willed child" is truly a very useful tool with these types (my son included) of kids, I also used it for help in dealing with him (my son) and for me it was like reading a book that someone wrote specifically describing my son!! LOL!!!

Danille,
First of all, "20 and a mother of 3", you're young with your hands full~the good thing about this is that your YOUNG, so you have loads patience to handle these little darlings. Second, try picking up the book 1-2-3 Magic. Remember, one thing your girls are looking for in their bad behavior is attention from you(and away from the 10-month-old). What I've learned is that "order and plans" work awesome! For a while, as long as it takes, everyday, have a plan for them, a routine. They wake up, from 8-9 breakfast and clean-up, from 9 to 10 painting or going for a walk, or whatever, something to keep them busy, out of trouble. At this age, they love to help out, so have them do little projects. Also, the obvious, put things that you don't want them to have or that they will be destructvie with out of reach--yes, hide it, even your toothpaste!
As for potty training, thats a tough subject. We tried Prudence and her Potty. But what worked for us were rewards. Grace doesn't get candy, but when she goes on the potty she would get 1 piece for pee and 2 for poo. Now we are just down to 2 for poo b/c the pee thing is set.
ANyhow, good luck and remember, this time will pass, they won't be like this forever.
best,
M.

Hey D.
I'm a 23 mother of 2 boys-3 and 2 and I tought I had my hands full. I have some advice for you, I'm still trying to listen to my own advice becuase I'm going through the same thing with my kids--THEY ARE DESTUCTIVE, and won't listen--my husband and I have tried everything. What I do want to tell you is that some of these comments are a little harsh I think towards you. You can't follow your children all day long. Escpecially if your a stay at home mom--you have to clean and cook and everything else--remember your not a BABYSITTER your a mom and a wife--kids are going to get into things. But don't let people make you feel bad about it or make it out to be your fault. One thing that I have learned is to take a deep breathe and then address the situation. CONSISTENCY is the key--trust me. If you let down one time your going to have to start all over again. Also make sure your husband is 100 % behind you on all the punishings--the girls will see that you two are working together and there is no way of getting around their punishment. As for spanking I agree with the woman who saif that its okay--I tried spanking my kids--DOESN'T work for me--they don't care--but it might work for you. Use spanking as your last resort. My sons doctor also told me that some kids have to be in time out longer than others (they say a minute for their age) my 3 year old stayed in time out one day for 15 minutes--he was fine the rest of the day. I know its frustating and you probably feel like your going to pull your hair out but just remember it will get better. The doorknob covers--tried that--my 3 year old figured it out in 5 minutes--kids aren't dumb...but you have to keep one step ahead of them. Try that maybe it will work--if you need to vent anymore just message me--I'm giong throug the smae thing and I'm young--so I think its harder for younger moms to talk to moms how are older becuase they tend to act like we are dumb--not all of them--just in some of my experiences just becuase we are young mothers doesn't mean we don't know what we are doing--ohh and by the way--if you want more kids--have them.....some people shouldn't tell you how many kids you should have--plus I don't think its up to us...if God wants us to have more children then we are going to have more children. Hang in there.

Wow!! 3 Kids! I have my hands full with 2 boys!! You are a strong strong wman! I've read the answers below. My 3yr old and 1 year olds are both destructive too. I don't totally know what you are going through, but I certainly can sympathize. I babysit the neighborhood kids too, and having like 6 kids here at once makes me crazy. I have been told that things get better by age 4. You have a terrible 2 and a trying 3 right now. The 2 year old, is basically just getting into everything because her curiosity is getting the best of her. WHen she's getting crazy, try givving her something that is safe to be curious with...maybe a paperbag with her favorite toy in it. Have her stick her hand in the bag with out seeing what's inside, and make her guess what it is...then have her go find a toy to put in there and have you guess what it is. I've found that with my 3 year old, he likes to be the helper, so when he's getting out of control, I give him a little control, like "what do you think we should have for dinner tonight, and can you help me make it?" or I simply hand him the broom and ask him to clean for me. The few times that he has drawn on the wall, I've made him clean it, and that was his punishment. He could not play until it was cleaned to my satisfaction. (by the way Mr. Clean magic eraser is a life saver with small kids and things on walls!) Anyway, from my experience, kids misbehave when they are bored, so try to give them something to do. My kids love to help clean, so I give them a bucket with like and inch of water and a rag, and have them "clean" the floor before I do. It may make a bit of a mess but it's only water, and it's giving them something to do while you get something else done, have them set the table, or help you put laundry away. Anything that makes them feel like they are helping you, and giving them something to do at the same time. Then make sure they know how proud you are of them when they are behaved. Praise goes a lot further than discipline i think. let them know when you are proud, but when they do get in trouble, make them know what they are in trouble for. Good luck with everything. I hope you find this helpful!!

How often do the children get to play with others their age? When children have friends it gives them a creative outlet just like adults. Try spending individual time with them, and let them know that one means just as much as the other to you. Be consistent use the same method of punishment no matter where you are. Don't care about what others think, their not going home with you, ecspecially if yours have an outburst in public. Are you stressed out if so they can pick up on it and know your buttons are more easily pushed and they can get away with more b/c by this point your fried. If at all possible get some time for yourself. When children spend time away from mommy it makes them appreciate you more and miss you. So they may not act out as much. Find a local mommies day out program or get a friend to watch them every once in a while. I tried spanking with my daughter and for me it doesn't work very well. But I put her in time out and make her sit there until she has 5 whole minutes of silence and she's better. At first she was sitting there for an hour b/f she stopped screaming and now she's not sitting there as long. Be consistent.

Question about the potty training: when they go in their pants do they go and hide somewhere or squat? If they are they know it's time to use the big potty.
We started with a potty and let emily go in the bathroom everytime i did. we also put her on the potty every 30 minutes and made her sit there for 5 minutes at a time. We gave her a book or magazine to look at and that made her sit still. Sometimes we would sing a song to her, something made up, like, Let's go potty, Let's go potty, All the big girls go potty, I'm a big girl now.

I'm not sure if your in concord or surrounding area but I have a free playgroup your more then welcome to join. This will give you friends as well as your children.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/knee_high_gang/

This is going to sound crazy but I've found it works, 2 and 3 are kind of young but if you could take the time to teach them to write the first letter of their first names (just the first letter) and when they misbehave they have to practice that letter for a set period of time. It keeps them busy and they are learning something valuable in the process. Of course after the novelty wears off it will begin to seem like punishment.

As far as the potty training goes it may be a good idea to set up potty awards, I know that sounds crazy but seriously if she goes potty 3 times a day she gets I dunno an extra 15 minutes of tv time etc. And just base it on the number of times she uses the potty per day and then on Friday the number of times that week gets her a prize. We also did a potty song, and a potty dance. You just kinda have to figure out what works for you I hope my suggestions help.

i am in the processs of trying a behavior chart with my 5 year old. everyday we start with 3 hearts drawn on a dry erase board and everytime he throws a tantrum i erase a heart. if i erase all 3 hearts by bedtime then he dos not get a paper heart in his cup at the end of the day. on sunday if he has 7 hearts then he gets a treat, like a trip to the store for a drink, or igive him a peice of candy,or he gets 2 chose a special outing like a trip 2 the park or something. just think of something like this and maybe it will help u. u might need to do like 5 hearts or a few more cause ur kids r younger. as for the potty training i just completely quit with the diapers and pullups and went straight to the thick training underwear. good luck! and give it a shot it may work!

Unfortunately, time out takes a lot of work before it works, but it does work. Make sure you have one specific spot for time out (I keep a "naughty chair" in the corner in my dining room) and be consistant with your rules. Also, it is recommended that a child sit in time out for one full minute for each year of age. Once they are in time out, don't talk to them, or acknowledge them in any way. If they leave time out, put them back in time out without speaking if you can, and always explain to your child why they have been punished. Have you tried putting baby gates on the outside of your kids bedroom doors when they go to bed? You may need to stack two in the doorway to keep them from climbing over, but it will help cut down on them getting up and getting into things at night and in the mornings. As for the potty training, try putting your daughter in her panties and letting her wet herself. Once she does it a few times she will figure out that being wet is not comfortable and she will start using the potty. Good luck!

Hey D., hang in there! Sorry but i dont agree with the "writting as a punishment" we want our children to love and enjoy learning, not think its dreadfull!

As far as getting them to behave I know it sounds simple but believe me, i understand that 3 children under 3 is tough! But being consitant with dicipline and time-out is key. If they know that you are ALWAYS going to follow through more thatn like like they will behave(most of the time) Im not sure if this is the case but you also might want to set aside a good time every day to spend with each of the older ones. It sounds like they are tring to get attention by acting out. Even if you spend all day with them this could still be the case. Im sure since the new has come alone, a lot more of your attention is naturaly with her, but if you set aside a "quality time" with them where you are laughing or reading or something positive in thier eyes, this may be another thing that will eliminate the destructive behavior. Good luck!

As far as the potty training, im sure thats tough since you have to others but I would invest in a book, (i forget the exact name but its something like, potty training in a day)
You have to make sure the day that you start is the day that youll finish, so THE WHOLE DAY needs to be mostly devoted to potty training, no grocery store, no erans, nothing, but trust me it works!
good luck!
S.

I don't know what religion, if any, you fall under, but the book "The Strong Willed Child" and the book "The New Dare to Discipline", both by Dr. Dobson, are wonderful. Following his principles turned life in our household around and made it easier for me to understand the why's and how's of discipline. They are christian based books, but even if you are not christian,the underlying principles are the same. Good Luck.

I have a little one too and lately he started being destructive. We started taking his favorite toys away and making him do "up downs". "Up downs" is something we both had to do in the military. Of course we arent quit as harsh as our drill sergeants were to us, but it works on our 3yr old. When they arent listening, just make them stop what they are doing (putting whatever they have their hands down too), tell them to sit down, then get up "stern voice"....after about 5 to 10 mins of the repeated motion, that will get their attention and that you mean business and they need to follow directions.

Sweetie, first of all...don't have any more children! YOu are spreading yourself way too thin! Are you a stay at home mom? Consistency is the key when it comes to discipline. That much is tried and true! I have a 16 yr. old and a 5 yr. old~consistency is the hardest! I agree with structure as well( not that that's easy either) Life happens! You are so young though so I hope that you can get this stuff now. 2 and 3 year olds are very trying anyway. They all 3 need your attention! Do you have help? Invest in some whether it be friends or family. Try to carve out special time each day for each child.

I sent you a personal message then wanted to add. The MR. CLEAN magic erasers do work wonders.

Have you children ever gotten a hold of you deoderant or the baby powder... Keep that in mind.

When you really need a break give them a box. Its the best toy a kid ever had. Especially at that age.

As for potty training, well I can't give much advice there. With my daughter it was very easy, she just started doing it on her own one day. With my son, it was a pain... Just keep her on a schedule and make sure that with any sign that you tell her to go to the bathroom. My son did not like it when we watched him so we had to just remind him to go or to ask if he had to go like every 5 minutes. I also refused to buy him any more pull ups and when he had an accident I made sure that he cleaned up after himself. It took me a good 6 months to get him totally trained. I still have problems with him but he goes to the preschool class at daycare and has no problems there just because he now gets embarrased when he goes in his pants. Hope I helped, and I hope you dont feel like you are the only one anymore.

First of all I don't know how people below feel it's their right to tell you not to have any more children! Just because she is 20 years old does not give you the right to tell her not to produce more children. Some people believe in big families and that is not the advice she was asking for. Also, the mom was right about child proofing your house from top to bottom it will make your life so much easier and then you won't be telling the kids "no" constantly. But it is wrong to say you can't let them out of your sight for a second. When I am cooking dinner my toddler is not allowed in the kitchen I have a baby gate to prevent it. SO she is in the living room where i can't see her for short periods of time - that's where my ears come in handy. That is when i turn on her favorite tape and she plays independently. When i was 20 years old I had a 4 yr old and twin 2 year olds. So I know it's not easy but you will make it. my 3 year old (the toddler i mentioned) LOVES writing on the walls anytime she happens to find a writing instrument left unattended. Try the Mr Clean Magic sponge... and for ink that won't come off try hair spray. You have to wipe if off while it's still wet so work fast. PS the best piece of advice i ever got was when the dr told me the main reason for bad behavior is not enough sleep and anytime they are acting up to check their sleep hours. he said they should go to bed the same time at night they wake up in the mornings. So if they wake up at 7am they need to go to bed at 7pm.

D.,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, and I think there are lots of options out there. I have always been a firm believer in the punishment has to fit the crime. I definitely believe in spanking, but out of love not anger. I also know that lots of time rewarding them for good behavior can be just as effective. You can try a combo of the two and make sure you are consistent with everything including being consistent when the other one does it. Believe me your youngest will be watching and she will begin to try the same things if she doesn't see you as a firm constant disciplinarian. Children respond to structure and rules, if they are allowed lots of freedom they tend to rebel. I think you are doing a great job of managing such a hard task. Don't listen to those trying to put you down. Some of us are only here to help you, not criticize. If you need anything else you are more than welcome to send me a message! Good luck and let me know if you need ANYTHING!

A.