I Need Advice or Opinions from Any Willing to Give It

Boy can I relate! I am the aggressive one and my husband the passive one, just like in your situation. I am 33 and have been married for 7 years and have been disrespected by his family for most of that time, over and over. All I can say is to try and let it go. Otherwise, you will end up with so much anger (like me) over things you can't control and it is just not worth it. I have decided that I deserve to be happy and so do my kids. Believe me, it's not fair, and easier said then done. But as someone who can relate to your EXACT situation and someone who has done more crying then laughing, husbands just don't change. If yours is anything like mine, and it sounds like he is, he just makes pretend nothing ever happened, while you and I are screaming inside because we want our feelings validated and the problem fixed. I could write an entire book, and maybe I will someday... if you want to talk more, let me know. Believe me, I sympathize with you and feel your pain. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Take care. Let me know how things go.

N.

First of all, I am sorry that you are in a situation like this. Very similiarly I was in your shows. My husband's sister and mother were not sure of our relationship and seemed to always have something to say to me or about me in a nagative and disrespectful way. My mother-in-law even told me that is my SAT scores weren't good, that she refused to allow her son to marry me!! She was very nagative and condenscending towards me. My sister-in-law still is at times. My Husband told his mother that it was his choice t be with me and if she couldn't accept me, then he would have to be a different and less active part of her life. This came after several months of puttin up with comments and his being very passive about them. He never stood up for me for the longest. He said that that was just the way that they were and they wanted the best for him and yada yada yada. well, I got tired of it and told him that if I meant anything to him, that he needed to put me and our relationship as a priority in his life. He finally did just that. I told him that I wasn;t trying to seperate him from his family, but wanted to be a part of it. It has been eight years of marriage after two years of dating. Things are starting to improve. My husband put us first about 9 years ago. His Mom did look up my SAT scaores and found them to her satisfaction. We laugh about it now. I hope things work out for you. If you need to vent- ____@____.com. I am a thirty year-old mom of three beautiful handfuls!!
Take Care.

If you want this over with- you need to talk to your BIL. I realize that it is your husbands brother, but you are very involved with them if all of you vacation together every year. Don't let an argument (even a bad one)get the best of you- be the bigger person and just let your BIL know that what he did bothered you and it's not something you're going to stand for. If the two of you are going to get along- this needs to be addressed. I'm sure you'll finally get your apology- unless it was never given in the first place.

Hey A.
Geesh-this is not a good situation huh? I completely understand where you are coming from. I am alot like you--I do NOT back down when I feel threatened or disrespected. My husband NEVER stuck up for me when his family would say mean and disrespectful things to me until I told him that enough is enough. I am the type of person that will not deal with it and I refused to see any of them until he told them to knock it off and leave me alone! (my husband comes from a very conservative baptst family and I, well come from a more liberal catholic family!) But I had to sit him down and really tell him how I felt and I thik you should too. Tell him how awfully rude that was and how it made you feel uncomfortable and that HE married you and with that HE is supposed to have YOUR back not anyone elses. I have realized that it is easier for men to take someone elses side then there wives becuase they know that they wife will always be there for them. Like the saying goes--its easier to hurt the ones you love!! But when I told my husband that I am no longer going to stand for it--he kinda got the picture!! and if that doesn't help--go right to the source!! My brother in law is not a very nice person and when my husband wouldn't stick up for me I stuck up for myslef and I told him what I tought of him and the situation and I "put the ball in his court". Now things are better! You need to stick up for yourself and maybe just go talk to you BIL and let HIM know how you feel becuse it seems like your hubby won't do it and if your BIL doesnt cooperate then you did all you can do and he looks like the jerk becuase at least you TRIED!! Hope that helps. and GOOD LUCK

I don't think that you are over-reacting. I too would probably be doing the same thing. I believe that a man should stick up for his wife, especially if another man has cursed her. That is in the most disrepectful thing to do to a woman. And from what I gathered your brother-n-law put his nose where it didn't belong in the first place. What does the sister say in all of this? Does she even know? I think that I would confront the brother-n-law reguardless of what your husband says. He said it's between you and the brother-n-law so make it that way, then deal with your husband after. I'm not saying go and make a huge scene, but if your brother-n-law is the typical male then he probably will blow up with the confrontation. I would explain the importance that he does respect you and not talk to you like you are his wife or sister for that matter. If he had no problem speaking to you this way he probably does speak to his own wife like that.
Sleeping in the spare bedroom probably isn't helping the situation with you and your husband. He's probably feeling abandoned. I have done this before to my husband and later when our disagreement was over he told me that me sleeping in the other room is what really hurt him. To me I was like my point actually got across but after I was done being mad I realized that I really don't want to hurt him. I would start sleeping in the bed with your husband again, don't let this arguement ruin your marriage. Try sitting down with him again and making him see the whole picture. I know my husband is a huge protector of his sister, maybe yours is too. Try giving him some what if examples like what if this was another man who said this to your sister, etc. Or even his mother.
I hope this has helped. Good luck. Keep us posted.

Hi A.,

I don't think your husband will ever do anything more about it than he has already done. Did your BIL apologize? Probably not, but you'll never know. *IF* you choose to see these people again, all you can do is to stand your ground on current issues.

I had a run in with my BIL when I was pregnant with my second. I knew he was going to hit me and he came really close. I told my husband that I had no desire to be in the same room with his brother any time soon. It was a couple of years before his brother got himself straightened out (he had gotten involved with drugs) and during that time, we didn't go to his parent's house if his brother was there. He never apologized for what he did, but I never backed down during the confrontation either. If he *had* hit me, I would have had him arrested....BIL or not.

It's been 4 years now and his brother is OK. He's a much different person than he was that night, but we still don't spend a lot of time with them.

My MIL & FIL are also very disrespectful to me and our kids. They treat them like they are their niece and nephew and that the BIL's kids are their only grnadchildren. My kids are starting to see it and are getting their feelings hurt. I could write a book there have been so many things. Fortunately, we don't see any of them too often (and they only live an hour away).

Since you know your husband is non-confrontational, you'll have to talk to you BIL on your own. Maybe start by talking to his wife? At least your husband told your BIL he needed to apologize directly to you. BUT, I would let my Husband go alone on vacation with his brother and BIL's wife. That won't last long......could you imagine going on a family vacation with your BIL? Neither can she!

Good luck!

I know it's going to sound bad but maybe you should call the brother in law and open the door for him to apologize. Somehow you've got to find a middle to meet your husband in as far as your personalities. You've expressed your emotion but it's time to let it go. Don't let your emotions master your life. And certainly don't dwell on the fact that you were disrespected by them. What comes around, goes around! That you can bank on. But I definitely suggest taking the high road and deeming yourself the better person. It will be better for your mental state in the long run. You are in control of your destiny.

I would feel the same way! Maybe if you and the baby stay home for a vacation your husband and his family will get the drift!! I This way that not seeing you or the baby!

You were looking for rescue from a passive person and he seems to lack the communication skills to handle the situation. Lose Lose situation! If he's cussing you for expressing yourself, then you might need a mediator to help you discuss things rationally. I'd be willing to bet this isn't the only situation where you've had problems. Being pregnant you don't need this stress. Curious if you wanted him to vow never to speak to them again? Being that it's his family, that probably won't happen. I don't know if I would try and sort things out yourself with the brother in law because it seems he's continually disrespected you. There is some point where you just say fine then and remove yourself from the situation. When the next event comes up, remind your husband why you will not be attending the family function and maybe he'll get it by your actions instead of your words. If you don't go, there will be questions why and your husband will have to answer them and hopefully he'll answer honestly, then maybe the brother in law will understand the gravity of the situation, apologize and stop doing it so you can join them on a future trip. Best of luck to you.

Hello A. S. I can really relate to you on this situation. The only difference is I had to deal with my husband daughter which is my step daughter which made it harder because she is his blood and not mine. To make a long story short. Honey please dont put yourself out for someone that dont respect your feeling enough to resolve the situation,because it will only get worst. My husband and I have been married for 9 years it will be 10 next month, and this is the first year that my husband has ever came to any of my family reunions because he didnt like how some of my family did things not said anything to him out of the way. I let him know how that made me feel and if he loved me and wanted our married to work that he had to make some adjustments so now we talk about things and see each others views on the situation and it has gotten alot better.COMMUNICATION is the key! If he dont want to than I will ask him to go to canceling because a bigger problem will be up the road, you said that you are already sleeping in the spare room. HINT, that is not Good! PRAY for him and the situation and let GOD handle it. God bless you and your family P.

Wow! I would be SO hurt, of course it isn't hormones talking, anyone would be hurt. I do feel bad for your husband, though, because his brother in law NEVER should have put him in the middle of this to begin with. It was you who the brother in law should have apologized to, and your husband did the right thing telling him so. I know your husband is hurting your feelings right now, but what he is doing sounds like what most men do in a situation like this. They ignore what they can't fix and hope it will go away. But you have been hurt and don't want to forget it. So his only recourse is to convince you that it wasn't that big of a deal, which of course only makes you more upset, and the arguments escalate. The only "bad guy" here is the brother in law. If it was me, I would call him myself and calmly explain how his actions made me feel, and don't be afraid to say that it really hurt you. Don't demand an apology, instead let him know how much you and your husband value this relationship, and how much you both hope this can be resolved. It goes back to the old saying, "you catch a lot more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."
Good luck!

Did you ever think about calling him to talk to him. Its not something your husband can fix just you and the brother in law so i would give him a call try to mend things and see what he says and if nothing the theres not much else you can do. Its a hard place but the only thing is that you have talk and that all you can do so try that and if not then maybe not talk to for awhile....hope it works out REMEMBER though you cant take it out on your husband for someone else actions!
T.