So here is the situation: There is a woman who we met last year through my sons baseball team, her son was on my sons team. She immediately took a liking to my husband and sought him out to make conversation every time she saw/sees him, giving me only a slight acknowledgement. Since then we can not seem to get away from her. She has 3 kids and we have 3 kids. Each one of her older 2 kids goes to elementary school, in the same class as my 2 oldest boys and our 2 youngest kids go to the same preschool at the same time, just different classes. So we see her at least 3x a week.
During baseball season she really rubbed me the wrong way. She is a graphic designer and my husband is a computer programmer so they had something to talk about initially...but since then she has found every opportunity to make herself available to my husband and I just can not stand it. At the 2nd to last BB game she asked my husband for his e-mail address so she could 'e-mail him pictures' she took of the game, my husband being his same friendly self, gave it to her and said thank you for the offer of the pictures. The part that rubs me the wrong way is that she didn't ask him in front of me, she waited till I got up to take my daughter to the bathroom and then came over and sat in my seat and asked him. When I got back she was siting in my seat and husband told me, in front of her that she had pictures for us and that I should check his e-mail for them. She looked genuinely disappointed and almost like she was trying to 'share a look' with my husband?? I said thanks and was polite but that was about it. I am put off by her and really do not try to engage her b/c I feel she is being shady. From the beginning she has only expressed/showed interest in only talking to him and not me. On several occasions (if not most) waiting till I was up doing something else to come over and talk to him.
Now last week I get a call from husband at work saying that this lady has asked to be his friend on Facebook. He accepted and then said he thought he should have asked me first b/c he knows I have a funny feeling about her. I told him how I felt, which is that she is trying to come on to him without doing it in an outward/forward way. Now mind you, she has never done or said anything inappropriate, it just seems to me like she has done everything she can to make sure my husband knows the door is open, so to speak, should he want to make the first move.
Am I being paranoid? How would this make you feel? They have no friends in common, meaning she had to search him out to ask to friend him on Facebook, which means she was thinking about him. She can plainly see that I am listed as his wife on his page and could have just as easily asked to be my friend on there but she did not. I find this odd. She also said one day at a BB game that she thought she saw him downtown. When he said no, she was like are you sure? I swear it was you. This also strikes me as odd, she is imagining seeing him around town now too?
I know I am just being jealous but like I said up front, I just can't help it!!
My Mom and my sister think that I should be really nice to her and make her my newest BFF....and be like, so I hear you FB'ed my husband? I would never do that, that is just not me. Seeing how she has yet to say anything to me about the FB thing, I guess I am most bothered by the fact that she might be thinking that she has a secret with my husband that I do not know about and it is driving me crazy!
My husband is oblivious. To his credit though he is pretty darn handsome and is used to being chatted up by woman of all ages...so he doesn't find this odd....but when pressed and asked how he would feel if the situation was reversed he said that he would absolutely think that the guy was trying to hit on me and that it would be highly inappropriate for him to FB friend me.
As always, any and all opinions welcomed and appreciated.
I know a couple of you have said this is all on my husband, but it really is not, he hasn't done anything wrong...and he will do whatever I want him to do, whether that be de-friend her or what? I just haven't known what I want him to do, if anything? My husband only talks with her to be polite and only when she engages him and I have not wanted to tell him 'Hey, shut her down' when she hasn't actually done anything yet, ya know?
I am the one that needs to deal with my feelings on the matter and I appreciate all the answers thus far!
~She has been un-friended!! :)
Have him set her up as an anquantance on facebook - and set himself so that only his "close friends" can see his posts. He can hide her posts so he can't see her daily stuff - and it's like she doesn't really exist to him on FB unless he goes looking for her.
OR - he can just unfriend her and leave it at that.
I only glanced at the other responses, but just wanted to say that sometimes a super nice husband needs his wife to rescue him from unwanted attention. He doesn't want to be rude, it would make his look presumptuous, so be rude for him.
Let her know that you guys, as a couple, do not have opposite sex friends outside of couple friends because it's just doesn't look good. You can say, "You understand, don't you?" Just tell her you're letting her know since she didn't. Don't come off as being suspicious, that way she can save face.
I would ask my husband that next time you meet her socially he up the PDA on you and when she is speaking to him he should constantly be glancing in your direction. In other word his entire body language should say "No Thank you, I have something MUCH better"
ETA: I had my husband read this - he said your husband is BRILLIANT!!! When you came back and he told YOU that she will be sending photos...brilliant...he said - stop worrying.
She is most likely coming on to him - but he is not buying it. He already told you he feels "off" by her.
I would not act crazy around my husband - he's being open and honest with you - he's oblivious to her. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. It takes TWO to tango...if he's not playing - there is no game.
I don't think you are being jealous, I think she is very shady and up to no good. I say go with your gut. Have your husband un friend her on FB and have a heart to heart with him on how you feel about her intensions. I think it is best he keep himself far away from her!!
I think you should trust your gut. It sounds like every instinct you have is screaming at you to beware of this woman, and I think you should listen to your intuition. Her behavior is definitely shady.
What I would do is have your husband PM her and say, "(your name) is going to friend you, because she's on Facebook way more than I am. That way we can still see pictures from the kids' games without missing any." And then he should un-friend her. There, done!
Likewise, let your DH know that you're uncomfortable with this woman's attention to him, and that you have a bad feeling about it. Since your husband is always getting hit on, and you don't freak out about all those other women chatting him up, he should recognize that you have legitimate reason for concern. Tell him you absolutely trust him, but there's something about this woman you just don't trust, and you hate for him to be put in an awkward position. Tell him when you are at the kids' events, you'd prefer if the two of you didn't sit right next to this woman. It's one thing to say hi, and another to cozy up to her and have her going behind your back like she is. That is SO not okay. I'd put a stop to this right away. DH may be oblivious, but you need to clue him in.
Oh HELL no. What she is doing is not ok. I can't even imagine ignoring the wife in favor of the husband, just not appropriate. And trying to have all these 'in's' with him, no way sister. Sounds like your hubby is awesome and as you said, hasn't done anything wrong.
I would for sure reply to her e-mail to him from his account, a clear statement that you are on there. If it were me, I would ask my husband to do what Catherine suggested- simply message her on FB and say "hey, was just thinking it makes much more sense for you to be FB friends with my wife- she's on here so much more than me, thanks for sharing the BB photos with us, that's so nice!" and then unfriend her. If she says anything about it, be blunt, saying 'why would you be friends with him and not me?' puts it back on her. But if he feels weird or badly about this, I wouldn't push it.
Mostly, be clear with hubby about what you are feeling and that you appreciate him being aware of it and a little tighter with boundaries for your sake. You don't want to be on him all crazy, so if he knows clearly what your expectations are, there shouldn't be any surprises, and you already know you don't have anything to worry about. I just know my husband can be a little oblivious at times and not quite get what makes me crazy or not. Once I spell it out, it's over.
I don't know about making her your BFF, you already have reason not to like her. Just try to be civil and keep a distance. You may have some years ahead of you to deal with this chick. Good luck.
I would have a heart to heart with your DH. He may be oblivious, but you can clue him in. The two of you may also need to come to a new understanding/agreement about electronic communications and social media. It makes you uncomfortable and he admits that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't like that much, either. So I think he needs to quietly unfriend her, or put her on a restricted list or tell her that he is trimming his friend list and it's not personal but he's cutting back. Lots of people go through the "I'm trimming m list!" thing on a regular basis and if she is on FB often, she should be familiar with it.
I wouldn't necessarily confront her. Instead, your DH should be taking more care so that this doesn't happen in the future and that he shows everyone that YOU are his WIFE and he is NOT LOOKING and NOT AVAILABLE and that you two are a team. If you are not getting that vibe from him, then you and DH need to shore up your relationship so that this isn't an issue.
I don't worry much about what other women do because I know my DH's response. You need to feel secure like that, too.
So it is up to HIM to do things like say, "Can you give my wife her seat back, please?" and "My wife and I...." or "This is our shared email address. I'm sure Mrs. Cool Husband would love to see the pictures, too." Make it clear you are a team.
She's definitely making a play for him.
Your husband is the one who needs to laugh her off and tell her point blank she doesn't stand a chance with him and she's only embarrassing herself by throwing herself at him.
What both you and your husband need to understand is - repeated undesired advances/attention is sexual harassment.
It's not cute or nice - it's stalking.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with 'shutting her down'.
It's actually a kindness to her - she needs to 'hunt' where there's available prey - and your husband is not available.
Quit dancing around it.
Yes, I think she is coming on to him. I'd go into his email account, if you haven't already and get the pictures. Reply to her from his email that you appreciate her sending them so she is sure that you are checking his email account.
You should send her a FB friend request of your own and see if she accepts. In addition, you should be able to log onto your husbands FB account so you can see if she is sending him messages. Or, better yet, your husband should unfriend her.
Sounds like childish game playing, but it makes it so much harder that she has not done anything overt to pursue your husband. Any confrontation right now would make you seem like a suspicious, jealous wife - even though your gut feeling is probably right - and she would be able to say "You're crazy if you think becuase if by friending your husband and sending him some pictures, I'm pursuing him." Then you look silly, even though you are right.
And, your husband is not oblivious - at least not anymore. You have explained to him how you feel and he seems to see it from your perspective. It's now your HUSBANDS responsibility to respect your feelings and distance himself from her. He may actually be flattered by her attention and not really motivated to discourage it - which is completely different than acting on it. The ball is in your husbands court, not this womans.
For example, if she approaches him while you take your daughter to the bathroom, when you come back, you need to, first, take your seat back, then you and your husband need to be engaged in each other so she feels like the intruder.
She has planted the seed of doubt-you have every right to think she's "shady"-she is-and you left out the part about her husband-I am assuming she is unmarried. The FB thing is going to give her an understanding of your husband-his likes, his friends, his family, etc-it builds a history with him that she is lacking-the silver lining-you're husband sounds like a mensch. Don't be jealous-be careful.
If she makes you uncomfortable, for any reason, then he should unfriend her from FB and limit contact to "hi" at the games. If does not matter if anyone thinks you being uncomfortable is silly or what not, he is building a life with you and he needs to respect your emotions. If she persists, then he needs to say something to her.
She may be perfectly innocent, but as women we need to learn to trust our guts! When someone feels "off", they usually are.
Your husband sounds like a really stand-up guy...totally transparent to you. I don't think you need to be jealous, but I would so be all about being aware of her. For that reason, I would send her a FB friend request so that I could keep an eye on her. I'd also ask hubby to mark her in his FB settings as an acquaintance so that she doesn't see all of his posts. Then, I would keep an eye out on how much she is posting to him and responding to him. It could be that cookies made his name and profile pop ups as a recommended friend and she just acted on it. Or, it could be that she's stalking him. I'd err on the stalking side, and I'd be not only friending her but setting her up every available male that I knew.
Okay, I think I remember the old post about this woman. :) I completely understand your take on things, and you're probably right, she's coming on to him in a passive way.
That said, your husband is at least taking your concerns into consideration! After accepting her friend request, he had second thoughts because he realized that it would probably upset you, and called to talk to you about it. He is clearly all about YOU. Take comfort (and pride!) in that! :)
Also, I like others' suggestions regarding you friending her. :)
I don't think you're being petty - it really does sound like she's got the hots for your hubby. BUT you can rise above it. As long as you are confident in your marriage, see her with empathy. Feel sorry for her that she doesn't have someone who loves her like your hubby loves you. If you can start viewing her as pathetic more than anything else, that should help calm the feelings of jealousy. It's all in how you look at things!
i would totally feel like you ANd I have to say, I think i'm in love with your hubby too, what a great guy to even think to tell you or Ask you about all of this. what a keeper.
I think what your family is saying about befriending her makes sense But there is NO way in heck i could hide my emotions that well. I would probably tense up at the sight of her.
Is she not married??
If Dh is as nice to you as you say, he needs to cut her off completely and maybe even email her and say he feels uncomfortable with their "friendship" and can no longer fb or text or what ever. tht might be a little akward with the other boys but wow, think how bad she could get quickly.
I agree with your mom and sister. Seriously, get in her face, sit next to her (make sure hubby's on your other side) at every game, "oh, I think we should get the kids together for a play date!" Then friend request HER on FB, lol!
I'm not the jealous type AT ALL but based on what you've shared she certainly sounds overly friendly. Sometimes a wife NEEDS to assert herself, you know? And good for your husband for recognizing how he would feel if the tables were turned!
You are COMPLETELY justified in your feelings. We have to fight hard to keep predators out of our marriages. I think you need to have a frank discussion with your husband - he is not a woman, and doesn't think like one. You do, and I think you are right to believe she is after your man! Tell him that you believe that she is interested in him, and let him know that you will never let some other woman get him because he is far too important to you. He needs to refuse emails from her, and tell her to email you instead with any pictures, school or baseball requests. If you talk with her about it, you don't need to be overly confrontational about it - try something simple, but direct: "when it comes to issues or other things with our children, my husband talks/emails with the dads, and I talk/email with the moms. I'm sure you understand."
I'm so glad to see that he has un-friended her on FB.
Take this opportunity to remind your husband why you want to protect your marriage - show him your love! :)
Well, I think it's pretty obvious that she's hitting on him. You know it. She knows it. Friending him on FB is totally inappropriate. Someone who had a thing for my husband and, more than once did things to try to come between us (before we were married), sent him a friend request. He told me. I asked him to ignore it. I don't need that kind of drama in my life. I would make sure she knows that he told you about the FB thing so she doesn't think she has something on you. That would make me crazy too.
As far as making her your BFF, I probably couldn't do it either. But your mom and sister are thinking "keep you friends close and your enemies closer." I know you said you need to decide what you want him to do, but if it were me, I'd have him shut her down in a hurry and also unfriend on FB. Both of you can be cordial, but you don't need to go beyond that. Be a united front.
Not jealous, ANNOYED is more like it. You have nothing to be jealous of, her behavior is out of line...you do have every right to be a bit peeved. I would not be able to do the fake friend thing either, I wouldn't want her around. I would just ignore her and hopefully she gets the message and backs off. Your husband shouldn't have accepted her friend request, innocent or not. If he doesn't de-friend her, he should at least block her from seeing his page. You don't want her seeing anymore details of his/your life! When I meet new people through my kids at school drop-off, games, etc., I might friend the woman on facebook but never the husband unless we were all really good friends. I have friends that I get together with on a regular basis, know and talk to their husbands and I still don't friend them on facebook. It just seems unnecessary.
It wouldn't bother me in the least but then I am the woman who usually drives other wives nuts. I love my husband, he is, bar none, the most amazing man on earth. Other men are interesting people to talk to but nothing more.
Here is the thing, most of my hobbies, interest are more of what you would expect of men. So when I am all about talking about whatever, all the wives are seeing is he doesn't talk to me like that, he seems to enjoy her conversation more. Thankfully my husband is used to it and knows that is just J. being J.. The women on the other hand go crazy.
Thing is I don't want them, they don't want me, we are talking about a common interest. That is why the poor men don't get what their wives are talking about, we are talking about analyzing data, algorithms, and really when you look at just that it kind of shows how crazy the insecurity is.
I am lucky I married a man with a lot of common interests, we have the same discussions but that you don't share that one interest doesn't mean he wants her or she wants him.
He loves you, he is married to you, if, and I doubt it would ever happen, she comes onto him he will not respond. So let him have some freedom. He loves you!
Would it make you feel better than I have had guys say I am married? I usually answer how lovely for you, so am I and kind of walk away wondering why they thought I was interested in anything more than conversation.....
I am not saying she isn't up to no good but from what you posted it doesn't sound like it.
Yeah, she's in it. Coming on very strong, and obvious. I smell desperation. If she wasn't, I would think she would be more appropriate, and also chatting you up as well.
Always trust those instincts, but don't get all green with them. Especially when you have NO reason to be. Your husband loves you. That's obvious. He just needs to be upfront with this woman. He should ask her to friend you on facebook, too. Idk, I think pretty soon she will get the hint that he is not that into her, as he is a happily married man. She will move on soon enough. If she doesn't, that just makes her all the more creepy.
I'd ignore her. Only I'd be cordial when necessary. I would NOT want her for a friend, so putting up a big act is not something I could pull off. But your kids' worlds are entwined, so I wouldn't want to make her an enemy either. Oh, I'd be peeved as heck at her, but I would just act as if she was insignificant to me. To DH, I'd share my observations and opinion that her lavishing attention and sharing contact info with him, and only him, not you, smells inappropriate. It's off because you are just as much, if not more right there in the kids' places, and yet, she looks past you to him. Now that you've talked about it, he'll probably start noticing she's being inappropriately flirty. I think you should joke with hubby about her after she makes a fool of herself again. No need to be jealous, she's acting very pathetic. Jokes is on her because she has no chance with your hubby.
I just want to say that you are not being jealous--you are being rightfully protective of your marriage. Shame on this lady for trying to "move in" on your husband and for thinking she can do it right under your nose. Bah!!
Also, I want to commend your husband. He did "shut her down" in a very nice way. Your quote from above: "When I got back she was siting in my seat and husband told me, in front of her that she had pictures for us and that I should check his e-mail for them." Yay for him showing her that you and him are a team and that he is not going to accept a secret email from her!
Ultimately, she may need a boulder to hit her on the head for her to know your husband isn't going to play. Maybe his unfriending her on FB will work.
Don't let her get under your skin! Stay on alert, and if she tries to play again--shut it down!!!
This is ALL on your husband.
Yeah, that lady may very well be making a play for your husband, but HE needs to say something about it to her.
I understand what you are saying, but I also think it "could" just be innocent. I have FB friends who are male and would NEVER even think about being anything but friends with them.
If it makes you uncomfortable and your husband is oblivious then he needs to start paying attention.
I wouldn't like it, but it seems like your husband isn't interested at all, so I wouldn't let it get to you. I have to say though that on my son's soccer team there are several sets of parents where I like the father but not the mother, in a total friend only way. And I don't really talk to those moms. However, I don't seek out the dads when the mom walks away and I wouldn't/haven't looked any of them up on facebook.
Well, I'm on the fence on this one. Part of me is saying that this lady is making herself look ridiculous and part of me thinks you may be looking more into this than it is.
My husband is super oblivious too. But I know if some lady ever made a big "let's get it on" move he would run the other way. While it does irritate me that some girls flirt overly the top with my husband (not that I am worried about him, I just find it disrespectful) I don't think she has reached that point.
I do have to say, and I don't mean to be mean, maybe you two just don't click. Maybe she has picked up on the fact that you don't particularly like her and she is showing you the feeling is mutual. It's petty, and stupid, but it may have more to do with "Look I am ignoring you on purpose just to show you I don't like you" than "I'm trying to steal your husband".
Bottom line, just roll your eyes are her for this behavior. Now if she, like grabs your mans junk, then you have my permission to punch her in the face. Just saying... ;)
Your husband sounds like my husband. Once they had a girl that work with him and course i didn't like her because she was maybe 4 years younger than my husband and I and of course she flirty alot with the guys at work and did the same with my husband. My husband came back and told me what happened or what he did. Either he could careless about this girl or he didn't want his butt jumped from me.lol. Thank god she left but a year pass and my husband came home a few weeks ago and said "guess what?" "you know--- is working at---- now." He said it like he could careless about this girl but wanted me to know. I admit, i was jealous alot when girls/women flirt or mess with my husband. I think part don't want my marriage to go down hill because of a girl. But thats me!
Some girl that knows my sister send my husband a friend request on facebook. Of course i know because I check my husband facebook account.lol. She kinda know both of us. I sat and thinking why she sent him on and not me. So i did was sent her one. I think she deny it. So i sent her another one and she finally accepted it. I don't know why but she defriended him maybe a year later,but not me. Still couldn't figured that one out.
Your husband sounds sweet. My husband would be like that too. And I probably wouldn't have thought along the same lines as you UNTIL seeing "the look". We women really can't miss "the look".
I do think that the woman has some designs of a sort on your husband, but truthfully, it doesn't matter. She's not going to get anywhere with them.
What I would do if I were you is ask him to defriend her off of FB. Tell him that he is a very sweet married man and doesn't understand that she is trying to push herself into a relationship with him. He doesn't have to say a word to her about it. All he has to do is click 'unfriend'. And then ignore any messages about why he unfriended her.
I accepted a friend request on FB from a man I worked with a long time ago. His wife is a sweet lady, btw. We hadn't thought of this person in a very long time, and a remark by someone on his fb thread seemed "off". My husband and I were concerned about the meaning of this one little sentence, so he did a google search and found out that this man had been arrested for something bad. At the same time we were flabbergasted at reading this, I got a private message from him, which I thought at the time meant that he was trying to hide from his wife that he was talking to me. Perhaps he wasn't, perhaps he was. I didn't answer the message, and immediately defriended him.
This was easy because I will never have to have anything to do with this man. But this is why I think that the BEST way to handle this is for your husband to simply defriend her.
There is simply NO reason to make her your new best friend. Why on earth would you do that? This woman means nothing to your husband, you aren't next door neighbors, they don't work together. She's just there at the baseball games. It would be silly to draw her in.
I don't normally think that people who ask to friend someone on fb are hitting on me or my husband. But in YOUR case? Yes, she is. Just ask your husband to make this easy for everyone and simply defriend her. Problem solved.
I would trust my "spidy sense". I know it's not your style but what your mom said is right. keep your friends close and your enemies closer is my moto.
When I saw her at school I would walk right up and engage her in conversation so fast and totally incompassing that she would start to avoid me! Facebook is a magnifying glass. Friendships look bigger than they really are. Evil is is magnified. Whatever intentions seem to look like, they are distorted. Defriend her in a hot moment! No explanation needed or should be offered. Tell hubby the line is here. He is yours.
Listen to Johnny Cash sing, I walk the Line together!
honestly from your description it sounds like she's hitting on him BUT that's from your jealous perspective.
I think your husband was awesome at mentioning the email thing in front of you and you should have J. friended her as well on facebook. unfriending someone is a little childish and she will notice since she likes your husband which will start gossip about you at games and so on. i'd have him friend her back ad say ooops i hit unfriend.
i talk to guys more than girls, J. because that's how ive always been. I also flirt on occassion too, but honestly my conversations with girls could be considered flirting at times too. i like being sarcastic making r rated jokes and referencing past events in those jokes...all of that could be considered wrong if you didnt know M. and I was talking to your husband.
my boyfriend has at times corrected girls for hitting on him (ive never asked or wouldnt expect it) one woman called him at 2am and asked to hang out he called back the next day and said I dont think my girlfriend would appreciated you calling M. to hang out at 2am. the next time she saw M. she came up , admitted she was wrong, and said he was a keeper to M....i felt awkward her telling M. that though=)
Could be as simple as , she doesn't like you and does in fact like your husband as a friend... It happens all the time whereby someone likes the wife or husband but not the significant other.... There are lots of husbands up at my son's school who are much nicer than their wives and therefore, I just prefer to chat with the guys.. I Will also add that some of the women seem to chat more with my husband than me.. It's just a preference... I don't take it personally.. Also, you put this all on the woman...yet, you are so willing to excuse your "oblivious" husband.. goes both ways.. .IF your husband wanted to shut down the relationship and knows that if the situation were reversed ,he'd be upset.. then there, you have your answer.. he in fact knows it doesn't sit with you and yet, he carries on... but you excuse it as his being mr. nice guy... your dilemma isn't that other woman.. it's your husband.. maybe you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation..