I Have Questions About My Husbands Odd Internet Searches. Do I Confront Him?

Updated on January 24, 2012
E.D. asks from West Jordan, UT
15 answers

I had a feeling to check my husband's internet browsing history and found some interesting searches. Two were of dating websites, one of which I think he may have signed up for, and I'm not sure about the other. There was an email address that had been visited several times, and I clicked on it and it went to the inbox, so I'm pretty sure it's his, but there is no name. There were also links to Craigslist that were really strange. They had titles such as, "electrifying captivating gorgeous woman", "looking to please", "all ladies want to watch me masturbate?", "naughty never looked so nice", etc. And about a month ago he was acting really sad so I kept bugging him to tell me what was wrong until he broke down and told me he wasn't happy and nothing made him happy anymore. I asked him if he thought we needed marriage counseling, or if he thought it was a personal issue he needed to deal with. We both agreed that depression was a possibility and he has since then seen a counselor one time. But since then, I found these internet searches and I'm worried it's something else. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should confront him, or wait and see if more things come up and then confront him, or not confront him at all. I feel guilty for searching his history and his facebook messages (he's had friendly messages to other girls in his facebook messages that I have noticed have been deleted. No flirting really, just things like "It was good running into you today! You're awesome!"...but what seems weird, is he deleted them). I don't know if I'm in the wrong for snooping, or if this is a problem I need to confront him about. We don't have marriage problems--well, haven't before. We are intimate. I have always been very happy with our marriage. This is just something that seems SO odd coming from him. You would never think he'd be making searches like these. I need help on what to do in this situation. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, I don't know if this makes a difference, but we've been married for just over a year.

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answers from Huntsville on

Don't feel guilty for "snooping". You will only have a happy marriage when no secrets are kept from each other. That is why I would suggest you consult a marriage counselor. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding, or maybe it's something more serious. It would be helpful to talk to each other, with the help of a counselor.

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answers from Dallas on

Yes. Yes you do have marriage problems. They were staring you in the face on the computer screen. They were there when he said nothing makes him happy. People who have nothing to suspect, never think to snoop. Only people who believe something is wrong. Clearly, your instinct said something is wrong!! (Incidentally, people who have nothing to hide, don't delete.) Yes, I think you should confront him. You should print everything off you found. You need to stop this NOW, before he proceeds into inappropriate relationships...if he hasn't. He needs to be confronted with what he is doing. You NEED marriage counseling, there is no choice in it. You have to. He has to.

His "depression" could be partly due to overwhelming guilt. I sincerely hope it's not.

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answers from Minneapolis on

You do have marriage problems. You need marriage counseling. As Bug said, you wouldn't have been looking if there were no problems. Print everything you saw on his computer and bring it with you to the first counseling session. If he absolutely won't go to a counselor, then just present him with the evidence yourself.

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answers from Los Angeles on

IMO, there is no such thing as 'snooping' in a marriage..everything should always be out in the open for both parties!

I think you have problems and your marriage is in trouble and that your husband has already made bad choices, to what extent is the BIG question.

If I were you it wouldn't even be a question for me...I would absolutely confront him and be prepared for the worst...sorry!

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answers from San Diego on

Pack your bags or pack his.

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answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to Mamapedia!

Confront him by saying - I was going through the computer history and noticed visits to x, y and z. Care to tell me about them?

Don't go to him saying "I KNOW you are cheating on me." or "YOU are going to these websites? Why?"

Unfortunately, you DO have marriage problems. Your radar was going off and you felt you had to snoop. Things that a married man shouldn't be doing - he is doing.

If he tells you you are crazy - tell him to pack his bags. I've seen men turn it around on women/wives...oh honey - it's a huge misunderstanding. oh honey - you don't know what you are talking about. oh honey, Mike did that when he was over a couple of weeks ago and wanted to show me what he's doing....the list goes on and on. Don't be fooled. Use your brain and go with your instincts. If you feel like you have to snoop - you have marriage problems or, at the very least, trust issues.

If he won't go to counseling - go without him. Take control of your life. You do NOT "NEED" a man in your life.

Depression can cause people to do stupid stuff. If he's depressed he needs to go to a doctor and get treated.

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answers from Houston on

It is always best to communicate and have an open dialogue. He has already expressed that he is not feeling happy, and this is a manefestation of that. This isn't just a depression issue here...

In a non-accusatory or upset way, I would calmly sit him down during a quiet moment and say, "Honey, I was looking through our browser history and found some old searches about dating sites and meeting women on craigslist that have me confused and worried. Can you clarify these things and tell me what these searches are about? I really want to have open communication with you and to be sure we are both understanding each other and feeling fulfilled and happy in our marriage. I'm thinking we may need to revisit the marriage counseling idea now."

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answers from St. Louis on

don't let it fester....time to talk & get this marriage back to a healthy point. & be very careful if you're still being intimate.....std's are no laughing matter. I wish you Peace.

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answers from San Francisco on

I hate to say this-but you have HUGE marriage problems right now. You need to schedule an appt with a marriage therapist and go in together and hash all this out. Get all the garbage on the table so that you two can either decide to make it work or cut eachother loose. Best wishes!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

My guess is he's depressed and looking for something that will make him happy. He apparently thinks that the excitement of a new woman or a new sexual experience will help him feel better. When I was trying to fight my depression on my own, I was always looking for that "next thing" that would make me feel better. This is a dangerous road for him to go down - for your marriage and for him. It won't work and it will only make things worse (obviously - he just doesn't see that right now).

He needs to go back to counseling. And for longer than one session. Better if you can go together.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

My thoughts are if you're snooping, then there's a reason for your "doubts" and I WOULD call that marriage problems. What else would you call it? You aren't trusting him. And he's giving you reasons to not trust him...he's not being open and honest and there's clearly some inappropriate communication with other women/websites. Just because he hasn't cheated or you haven't caught him doesn't mean you're marriage is "fine".

I think if you doubt him and feel badly about snooping, then there's definitely a bigger issue that needs to be addressed with a professional. If you two aren't being open and honest with each other in your own home, then it's time to bring in some professional help to find out what's really going on, with both of you.

Best wishes!

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answers from Provo on

The searches could just be due to depression. My DH did similar things when he was deeply depressed. But you need to talk to him about it. With only 1 year of marriage under your belt, he shouldn't be looking elsewhere. It could be that the novelty and the first blush of "love" have worn off -- and if so, that's when the real work of love and marriage start.
Good luck to you -- counseling will help if he is depressed.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

This is totally unacceptable and you need to confront him. If you had a weird suspicion you have every right to dig through his computer. Good grief, you cannot sit around in life and hope it is all ok. You and him made a commitment to each other and he is stepping way out of bounds here. I hate to break it to you but these are all things pointing to him cheating on you. The only reason you wouldn't confront it is if you didn't want to know.

Good luck to you!

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answers from Pittsburgh on

If you've got a problem with his internet searches, then's he's got a problem.
Yes, you were snooping. There's NO way you're gonna broach this subject without revealing that, yes, you were snooping.
I can't imagine NOT talking to my husband about this.
Good luck!

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answers from Erie on

My first guess is that he has a kink he hasn't told you about, something he's embarrassed about. If he has never cheated before, if he is otherwise a good guy and treats you well, sit down with him with the evidence and talk to him. Do not feel guilty for snooping. I believe you lose a certain right to privacy when you get married, many people believe this. You didn't do anything wrong.
He broke your trust, he's not being honest with you, and he's started down a very dangerous road for your marriage. But you guys are only a year into this marriage, there is plenty of time to fix it. He's deleting things becasue he feels guilty.

I'd suggest a counselor, but at first you will probably get further just talking with him.

1 mom found this helpful
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