I Have a 5 Year Old Who Shuts Down.....

Sounds to me like you have a perfectly normal child. Shes showing you how strong willed and independant she is by being who she is. Later on she might be more outgoing but for now just let her be shy. When she does sports and what not praise her for what she does right. And like one of the other women suggested let her pick something she wants to do. My 6 yr old used to be very quiet. He recently int he last 2 years started to become more out going. After i stopped trying to force him to be who he isnt. Just luv her for who she is and dont focus so much on the smaller stuff. Itll all work out. Good luck!!

She may have social anxiety. I was like that and so were all of my boys. It is nothing that can be diagnosed... it is just there.
I was seemingly shy, didn't really want to get involved with anything like school things and didn't really have alot of friends but didn't NOT get along. Couldn't get up and give a speech and thought I was going to pass out if a teacher called on me at school. I would have rather stayed in the background and just been left alone and let me do my thing. And to think that my parents told me that I was the most outgoing child they had when I was little.
Well, I still have a talkative personality and talk alot and people seem to like me. But I am a one on one person. I am a hairdresser by trade and did that for many years. (So you know that I can talk).
The only thing that I can say is to be patient and just wait it out. You have to push a little and putting her in sports will be good for her. Don't push too hard and don't ever say anything demeaning about the way she is. Don't ever compare her to anyone else either. Just trust her in how she feels and ask her if she wants to talk about it and never get away from talking to her gently. I promise, she will grow out of it and it won't make her weird or crazy or not liked. She just doesn't like that scared, flustered, heart racing and pounding feeling. She would rather stay calm and do her own thing when she wants to. It may take some mommy and child outings of your own also. Just kind of follow her lead and always be gently, kind, and understanding with her and always try and talk to her and listen to what she is saying when she talks to you and allow her to talk also.
You both will be just fine.

My 7 yr old started acting like that when the baby was born. She used to tell everyone all of my business once even shared I was on my period. But when she saw she lost the attention after Olivia was born she quit talking. Then people would prod and pick and cajole her into answering which gave her the attention! We ignored her and when people would ask and she ignored I told them she is unable to answer because the greenies have her tongue. I told her the greenies were jelousy so she knew I knew what her game was. People left her alone. When she wouldn't speak up after doing something wrong she was punished regardless of her involvement because no answer makes me assume you are guilty. If she pulled it at the doctors office I explained to the Dr she is refusing to speak so I will speak for her and I listed EVERYTHING possible down to hang nails that were wrong and she hated that. She eventually saw she was no longer getting her attention and it wasn't worth it anymoe. O also, when I would ask what do you want for snack dessert etc she would shrug her shoulders so I decided you can't answer me you get... usually celery or something super healthy that she hated. Reverse psycology!

Hi there - I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with her! I'm curious, though - did you and/or your husband use the "cry it out" method with your daughter when she was a baby or very young? I'm no expert, but it sounds like she may be experiencing this . . . http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T131200.asp.

I don't have much advice, but if she does have shut-down syndrome as described by Dr. Sears - then you may want to try some trust building activities with her. Hope this helps and good luck!

My 18yodd was the same way! I was always apologizing for her because people would ask her a question & she'd just stare at them with her big brown eyes like they had spoken martian or something to her. It was always so embarrassing. The same thing happened with my 9yods, oddly both are brown eyed brunettes (nothing meant by that just odd, the other 3 or blue eyed blonds). Anyway, they'd come home & talk my head off but to talk to anyone was a chore. I too tried everything I could think of and finally I just say 'ya know what...it's just the way they are'...and I didn't let it bother me. They outgrew it.

My 18yodd is very mature for her age. She's toured with a singing group at the age of 14, sang solos in church, spoken at our local celiac support group and never meets a stranger. She recently started a job and the interviewer said hers was the best interview he's ever had. He said Sarah was mature, articulate, confidant and answered questions well. Joshua makes friends, although he's selective, very easily and while he is still quieter than most kids in his classroom he is not so shy he's debilitated.

So continue to talk to her about proper responses, role play maybe with her and her dolls. Don't let people tell you that she's 'slow' or 'socially retarded' because she is not. Another note, both of the children I spoke of up above are claustrophobic. Sometimes looking back I wonder if they felt people were in their space, their comfort zone or not. But I feel your daughter will be fine. I'm an extrovert so I don't understand shyness like my introverted husband does, but I have learned that it's ok if they are not always playing the part of hostess or wanting to be 1st chosen, it's just how they are.

Oh, a couple of books I found very helpful was The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell and Your Personality Tree by Florence Littauer. Both of these really helped me to understand my children better and to know that, thank heavens, they weren't just like me, LOL. Florence's book doesn't just apply to children and yours may be a bit young for all of it to apply, but it is a fascinating book.

Her behavior isn't just shy, it's impolite and rude. I don't allow my children to refuse to answer me when I speak to them. You may have to use some other forms of discipline with her. Starting with you & your husband, explain she must look at you and answer you when you speak to her; it's not acceptable to ignore you or not respond. Then if she does it, remind her of that and institute some form of discipline (time out, loss of privilege, spanking, etc.) If she wants to watch TV and you've asked "How was your day?" don't let her watch till she answers. If she answers a while after you ask. then she could go ahead and join in the TV show. You might even let her whisper the answer in your ear at first, just to get in the habit of answering, then move on to proper answers, then on to answering others.
I also think the advice about a counselor is good, although it sounds like she won't talk to a counselor.

Hey J.,

Love that name by the way! Listen, not saying that this it's what is going on with you daughter, but the things you are describing, remind me of what we were going through with my son, who was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder about a year ago, today he is now 6 years old. We were having the same problem with him answering questions, simple "yes" and "no" questions.

I agree with April, you should definitely set up and evaluation with a child psychologist, you can get your pediatrician to refer your daughter for the evaluation. It wouldn't hurt to try that and it would definitely rule it out.

Again, not saying that is what's going on with your daugther, but if it is, just to let you know, that with speech and occupational therapy that my son has received over the past year, he has become a completely different child. And we no longer have trouble communicating with him. He has made tons of progress.

My thoughts are with you and hope you get it resolved. The sooner you can find out what's going on with her, then you can work towards getting her the help and assistance she needs, if that's what it is.

Good luck and God Bless!

When I was little, my mom tried to force me to speak when I wasn't ready. My daughter came along and had the exact same manner as your daughter. My husband used to get so irritated because she was shy. I took up for her because I remembered how frustrating it was for me to feel forced to speak. My opinion is that when she is comfortable enough, she will speak. I think it is worse to force a child because then they feel bullied or like they are a bad person for not conforming to what someone else thinks is right. They run the risk of growing up feeling like it's ok to be pushed into something they aren't ready for. Embrace your daughter's differences and let her know it is ok to be her, it's ok to be shy. It's one thing to give her the opportunity and moral support to speak up, but it's another to make her feel she isn't normal if she doesn't. You said YOU don't want her to grow up shy, but what about how she feels when everyone is on her case about it? If it is just a stage or a part of who she is, why is she wrong? Sometimes giving someone confidence starts with accepting who they are and learning to work with that instead of making them feel bad because they are different from what YOU want. Love her for who she is, encourage but don't push or criticise. If she is meant to be outgoing eventually, this is the best way to give her confidence.
My own daughter, because of the support we gave her, after I finally got my husband to understand, is now venturing out on her own and excelling at things she enjoys. She even sings in front of our church congregation, alone! She joined a group at our local library and was made chairperson on the first day! She is still shy and still gets nervous with strangers, but she makes the efforts and usually ends up surprising us with her results, as long as she can do it her way and in her own time. She has self-motivation in many things I wouldn't have seen if we had not given her the security to do it her way.

My son did the same thing. I really think he is just going to be "behind the scenes kind-of kid." With having 4 children I know this will be very difficult but could you try to really spend more 1on1 with him and just set with him. Don't necessarily talk with him, just sit by him and let him feel your presence. If he wants to talk listen. He may just be overwhelmed with everyone and everything. I would just try to be there for him more. With a lot of family you do tent to shut down because you don't have an out. I don't feel sports would work because he would be out there for everyone to see~~that is not his nature. He seems to be more 1on1. C. H

J.,

I wouldn't get too worried yet. I have an eleven year old son who did the same thing. You would ask him a question and he would just look at you. I was soo worried about this behavior that when I took him to Kindergarden I told the teachers that he was not being disrespectful he just didn't answer questions well. I however was lucky enough to understand this problem because I remember having it as a young child. I would have the answer to each question running around my head but I couldn't get it out of my mouth. I still don't understand the reason for this but I do know that it is something that they grow out of. Try not to make a big deal about it when she doesn't answer this will cause her to button up tighter than ever. Just calmly tell her that you know the answer is in there and that you would like her to talk and then drop it. When she does answer make sure you praise her. By rewarding possitive behavior you will increase the likelyhood of her doing what you want. Finally just let her know she is loved and when she is in front of other adults let them know that you do not want her to be forced to talk. It truly will just cause this to last longer than you want. My husband would try to get my son to talk and all it ever did was make them both frustrated. As he got older and I knew he could answer I would tell him that I knew it was hard but that he could make the answer come out if he tried hard enough. We would sit for 15-20 mins and he would finally talk. Love and Encouragement is what they need. He still has a few problems when he is in trouble but for the most part he is a very well adjusted kid and the teachers have love him since the first day of K. Just make sure you communicate the situation with any adult that will be over your child. I hope this helps. I know how frustrating this can be but truly patience is the best way to deal with it
T.

Some children are extremely shy and no amount of bribing will make them speak in uncomfortable, unfamiliar situations. It is something that she will likely eigher grow out of or learn coping skills to better mask it. It would be worth speaking to a speech therapist or your pediatrician about. These children can seem stubborn, but that is really not the case. I taught school for 10 years before kids and we actually had two kids with "selective mutism". It is real and frustrating to work through. One student in my class became comfortable with me so he would talk only to me and our small class. He loved acting out plays (I'm guessing because he could pretend being someone else), and telling jokes, but would not open his mouth for others. There was a little girl in another class that according to the mother, was a chatter box at home, but wouldn't say a thing at school. The mother had to tape her reading so that the teacher could know that she could read. Teasing from other kids made it worse. By the end of the year the child was comfortable enough with the teacher that she would read to her if they could sit behind a partition so that others couldn't see/hear her. Now these are very unusual, extreme cases. A professional can guide you how to deal with this as to not magnify the problem by drawing more attention to it. Good luck!

J.,
You might want to talk to her doctor about selective mutisim, I have a son with it and she sounds the same way. It is not a common thing. What it is, is a anexity disorder. You should be able to look at her and see the fear in her eyes when she has to talk to people. This is not very commonly known. Alot of doctors don't even know about the disorder. You can go on the internet and look up selective mutisim and there are various links that can help you. My son is 11 and although he has come along way he still suffers. He wasn't diagnosed from the ped, it was the child study team at his school. I hope that this will help.

You might consider taking her to see a counselor. As parents we often don't notice litttle things that a 5 year ol wold consider major. I had the same problem with my 7 year old. She is counseling now and I definitely see a difference. It is still a long road ahead but at least we are making progress.

I wouldn't even worry about it. Honestly, if you think about it, she is just being herself.

If she were more outgoing, would you try to change that about her? Probably not.

If she loved sports, would you want her to stop playing them simply because other people don't?

We have to let our children be individuals. Obviously, this is the way she is, and when SHE wants to, she knows how to speak up.

Trying to get her to be someone she isn't is only going to make her more defensive and more introverted. She isn't going to suddenly become a confident-in-a-crowd kind of person simply because you try to make her that way. She has to want it for herself.

No one has the right answer for you, really. You know her best...do you really think that pushing her into trying to be more assertive in her responses is going to do the trick? Have you tried just letting her be who she wants to be, and, instead of getting her to do sports, ask her what SHE would like to do...maybe give her a list of 30 things she could do, a few sports thrown in...ice skating lessons, karate, softball, swimming, art classes, dance classes, etc...and let her choose the ones which really interest her...then maybe she will be happier to be the first one to do something.

Good luck to you!

I have a 5 and a 7 year old both boys. My 5 year old is the same way. He doesn't answer doctors b/c he is scared. The only time he doesn't answer us, is when he believes he is trouble. Is she talktative around other children? We have found that gradual interaction with others works. Some children are very cautious about the people they interact with and that is a good thing. I would say introduce others gradually and set aside some time just for her.

If being shy is the only problem, I do not think you have much to worry about. Myself as a child responded in the same manner but as I grew older I also grew out of it. I am now capable of speaking my mind! I have a 14 year old daughter that was the same as a child but she has grown out of alot of her shyness. There could be several underlying issues. Speaking for myself I had very low self esteem, my daughter also. But if this really bothers you I would recommened speaking with your pediatrician to be sure there are no medical issues.

Why don't you try a game with her.
Call it tea time for ladies and be her best friend.
Change name's so she can pretend ,and let her set the rule's in this game.
That helped my granddaughter pull out of her shell.

Have you tried taking her to a child psychologist? They could listen to your concerns and do an evaluation themselves and together you guys could come up with something. I am going through some of the similar things with my daughter along with others and we are involved with a child psychologist right now and things are going well.

Your daughter sounds alot like my stepson at that age. When he was around twelve his mom took him to therapy and they said he was "passive agressive". Basically what that means is that he tries to control his enviornment or people and situations in a passive way, but it is still his way of having control. I would recommend that you get her in to see a children's therapist; not that she is seriously troubled but just to be reassured that she is NOT. Good luck!