I Hate éTiquette

Just invite kids to a movie, fun place, etc.
then break out the cake, etc.
No mention of the birthday.
Don't worry, it will still be a "birthday party" once the candkes are lit and the kids sing. ;)

If you don't want people to bring gifts then don't call it a birthday party. Just have a play date and invite how ever many kids you want. If you want a party with kids bringing whole families then Have a cook out. But if you put birthday on the invite people will bring gifts.

hee!!!!
you're a sweetheart. and yeah, i too get aggravated by conventions that circumvent common sense and honesty.
the flip side is that these particular circumventions are done with the best possible motives.
so you gotta suck it up, buttercup!
:) khairete
S.

You're going about it wrong.
If you want company - throw a barbeque, picnic, pot luck or chili cook-off.
No one will bring gifts.
You simply surprise everyone by serving birthday cake for dessert.
Wha-la!
You'll achieve your goal!

Additional:
I know people do it but if I'm invited to a birthday party I bring at least a small gift whether they requested no gifts or not.
What they do with it is up to them.
It irks me if anyone presumes I'll want to donate to this or that charity.
I don't go to or throw parties for the purpose of fund raising.

Wow, histrionic much?

You know, this post is all about you. About *your* feelings about birthdays and how much your son has. What about him? Kids notice that *other* kids receive presents at their birthdays...why would you want your kid to feel different or other just because of your agenda?

I think parents are completely entitled to ask for no presents from their friends and family--for their own birthday. Do you tell people not to give you presents on your birthday? However, unless it's the child's idea (all on their own) that they don't want presents, they're just going to feel punished. And that's very unkind

I'll just add this: it's not just etiquette involved in buying a present for our children's friends. We like to let our son pick uout something for his friend's birthday-- it allows him to think of others and what they want. And you know, these kids are nice. Why not teach our children that their friends' birthdays are worth celebrating. And let them honor your son when it's his birthday too. Kids have very simple expectations of birthdays: usually some fun, some treat and presents. Just something to think about.

The purpose of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable and welcome.

Many, many people feel uncomfortable if they arrive at someone's home empty-handed -- even if the host said "no gifts." Whether the occasion is a birthday where they want to bring a gift, or a dinner where they want to bring the hosts wine or goodies, or a barbecue where they ask "What side dish can I bring" despite your saying "Nothing!" -- people want to bring things.

They have been taught that doing so is good manners.

So if they get the vibe that their gifts are unwelcome, even if they get that vibe through the hostess' sigh, the guests are confused and therefore not comfortable. And the whole point of a gathering is comfortable guests.

I get it, your kids have stuff aplenty. But your guests don't know your income, and haven't had a tour through your kids' bulging toy boxes, and even if they had -- again, it's that reflex to ensure they don't come empty-handed.

That is why hosts don't usually say "No gifts please." It's not about cutting back on their own family's stuff; it's about letting guests do what makes them most comfortable as guests even though it's not convenient for the hosts.

"No gifts" does indeed get put on invitations these days, and you can say it without shocking people despite what Emily Post might say, but be aware that you will then be required to be very gracious when someone still turns up with a gift. If it's for your child on a birthday, say cheerily, "Thank you so much! Sally is going to open this after the party so we have more time for the games, but I'm putting this where she'll open it today!" Then have your child write (or if your child is very young, at least put a pawprint on) a thank-you note that goes out the next day. Yes, more etiquette.

One way to end gifts to your kids: Make the party a themed one where the guests are asked to bring items for an animal shelter -- we had a party that was cat-themed and asked that "in lieu of gifts please bring some canned cat food or other items that we'll donate to the shelter" etc. I have seen more of this in recent years and kids generally love thinking they are donating to animals. I've also seen one where the guests brought nonperishable foods to donate to a food bank. And guess what? Some folks still bring a gift for the birthday child. You just cannot stop it because others interpret NOT bringing a gift as being a rude guest. The guests' interpretation of what makes them comfortable re: gifts must trump whatever frustration the host feels about gifts.

I am still trying to get over your Taylor Swift is inappropriate post. Do you put off this I am better than everyone else vibe in the real world or is that just us?

You are saying we don't need your gifts because we are high income. We are better than you because really, I think it is such a burden to buy my child a gift under your circumstances. Do you think it is such a burden to take your kid to the store, let them pick out the perfect gift for their friend, and then you wrap it?

Most normal folk don't buy their kids random junk, they wait until their birthday for their kids to get stuff. Maybe try that.

You seem obsessed with how much more you have than others. http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/7487086659012657153

Does it really matter how much money you have (or don't have by many other people's standards...)? Not sure why that is so much part of your post. You think "poor" people or the 90% have kids' bday parties as gift grabs? I agree with others to just have a party and don't mention birthday. Or people honored a request of a friend to bring a donation for the animal shelter. That way people aren't showing up empty handed which feels funny.

ETA: I see you took top 10% income out....

People do it for the kids. Out of the kindness of their hearts. They want to
give.
I understand what you are saying but it just seems unnatural for ppl to
arrive at a child's bday party sans gift....empty handed. They WANT to
give.
I say just accept the gift given out of love, donate old toys she no longer
cares about & every once in awhile it's okay to re-gift to a relative far
away.
Again, it's ingrained in our heads...ppl do not like to arrive empty
handed. It feels weird. Even the stars have parties, accept gifts for their
kids & donate to those less fortunate.
It's a wide circle of caring/giving. ;)

Okay I get what you're saying about having more than enough.
But really, people LIKE giving gifts. It feels good.
So accept them graciously and have your kids donate toys and clothing they don't wear or use that much.
Having "too much" is NEVER a problem because it's so easy to give it away, and there are always people in need!!!

Ask them to bring donations for a selected charity. It's that easy.

We have a local place where the owners of the store collect dog food, cat food, blankets and pet toys.

On the invitation write: IN LIEU OF GIFTS, Bobby, is collecting dog and cat food for the Karin Animal Shelter.

Why not collect for the many pets who are need of homes?
This will teach children who have everything to give back to the community. Most shelters will gladly collect items for pets in need !!!

My 7th grader attended a birthday party recently for triplets. Instead of asking for no gifts, they asked everyone to bring a box of brand name cereal that they were planning to donate to a local food bank. In the evite they explained brand name cereals were a luxury for many less fortunate kids. They had over 60 boxes of cereal donated!
It was a win-win, people don't want to show up with nothing so this way they get to bring a present, the food bank gets a nice donation, and the family didn't have extra 'stuff' to deal with.

Oh, ha, I didn't realize this was a thing. My son recently attended a birthday party where they requested "No gifts please". We loved it, he made the birthday girl a lovely handmade card and we went on our merry way. It was so nice to just show up! I was thinking I'd do the same for my kids' birthdays, just to pay it forward to other parents. I didn't realize I shouldn't do so for etiquette's sake.

My kids LOVE going and picking out gifts to take to their friend's birthdays. So why should I deprive my kids the joy of learning to think of others and give to someone else because you are super lucky not to "need" the stuff.

What you and your child do with the gift after we give it is up to you.

But my kids would be crushed to show up at a party without a gift for their friend...and they know their friends and what they would like to receive.

Hey, why not let other people have the joy of giving??

When we request "no presents please - your presence is gift enough", people respect it. If they say they feel weird about it, I tell them we would love a birthday card their child made. That's usually enough for the parent to relax.

Sometimes a person will bring a gift, and we say "thank you" and set it aside to open with the family presents - which we do after the party, when the guests have gone home. Opening family gifts when guest have gone home helps manage "post party let-down" for my boys. It is rare for more than two people do this per party. It's not that big a deal.

If someone is really insistent, I will suggest they bring a beverage or chips and salsa to help out - something like that. No one has ever been offended. As far as I can tell, no one thinks this is poor etiquette. And everyone within the family knows they can give gifts...or not.

I don't get what part of this is about your income, or even etiquette. I don't get why you can't say this. We do this because we have way too much stuff already - and we really truly just want to celebrate the birthday with our friends.

I dunno - I'm kinda lost about what the issue is. I have no idea why the person hosting the party would be having "bad manners" to include sucha note on the invitation. I have Deep South-Southern manners, and I do it, and I don't mind it.

If you have a birthday party, people want to help the child celebrate. They don't want to know how much money you make or inherited. They don't want even a hint that maybe their paltry gifts ideas aren't acceptable - even if that's not what you mean, that's how it's going to come across. Even more, they don't want their own birthday parties to be seen as a way to get free stuff at your expense. So "etiquette" is about everyone feeling comfortable! Sort of like speed limits and recipes that prescribe certain things! I think it's a shame that you can't accept a gift of someone's heart, and that you deprive your kids of the joy of getting a gift from a friend as well as the opportunity to learn how to be appreciative, say thank you, learn to write thank you notes, and generally practice the manners they will need later in life. I'm not sure why it's so vital to you that your kids not have this experience. I think it's going to come off badly because, no matter how you do it, you make guests feel uncomfortable. It honestly might be easier to figure out why this bothers you so much and why you absolutely must break this horrible tradition that others find meaningful.

The other thing that can be a problem is really large birthday parties. If families invite 25 kids (the whole class plus some cousins and a few neighbors), then the gift-giving is out of control. So the way out of that is not to invite the world, but only the kids' closest friends. We had the "Age Rule" - when the kid turns 5, he invites 5 friends. When he turns 7, he invites 7 friends. Simple. And the gift thing never gets out of control.

If you don't want gifts, then throw a party for no reason. Do it on another date, with no cake and no gifts. Just a pool party or a skating party or a barbecue with a treasure hunt and some sack races. We have neighbors who have 2 big parties a year - July 4th and Christmas. They love doing it, they prep like crazy, they hire someone to help in the kitchen or at the grill, and they invite a mix of family, friends and neighbors. They hire a babysitter to ride herd on the kids and a lifeguard for the pool. Most people bring a hostess gift and the hosts accept it graciously. But there are no presents for kids so that's not a problem.

I think the only way to be a successful hostess is to let people do what makes them comfortable, short of them bringing their pet gerbils and running around naked. What terrible harm could come from your kids getting a couple of gifts from their close friends?

You could also do a toy drive, food for food pantries, winter coats for homeless, book drive for kids, spca & the list goes on. Talk to your kids about what charity they might be interested in giving to & ask guests to bring something for the charity instead. Last year my now 11 year old asked for donations to the spca instead of gifts. A few people still brought gift cards along with the donations, but it was definitely a success.

H.!!

I know what you mean!! What we have done? Is asked people to donate toys to a local shelter in our kids name instead of buying them MORE "STUFF"....your PRESENCE means more to us than you PRESENTS. That's what we have said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Gifts are fun. Maybe you could do a gift exchange at birthdays- Lin the invite say that instead of gifts for the birthday boy, there will be an fun exchange and put a $5 cap or something on it. Then everyone gets the fun of shopping for a present, without breaking e bank, without getting your son a bunch of stuff he doesn't need. The. Just look up some gift exchange game.

Bringing a gift to a birthday party is less about etiquette for me but more about I think you might enjoy this gift I picked out for you. All of my children love to give and receive gifts. It's more blessed to give than to receive. Why not give another the opportunity to show your kids they are thinking of them by buying them a gift for their birthday?

I never think of buying a present for another as being on the hook but perhaps you do and that is why you would prefer to deter gifts for birthdays.

It seems to me that you are entirely too concerned with controlling your guests and the birthday child.

If your family has so much stuff that a gift or two will upset the entire apple cart as well as your sanity, perhaps going through and donating some stuff might help balance things out.

we wrote something like this one year for my husband's birthday. Want your 'presence' not your 'presents'...
And if you have a charity that you love you could say we are celebrating a birthday but if you bring something we would like to donate it to our needy children in Tanzania, or something. I'd imagine if you are upper class, the friends and relatives you have are in that neck of the woods and have the same or similar socio-economic background.
On the other hand,lots of people still love to bring presents, so collect them together perhaps six months later and donate them somewhere.

Have a party when it's not his birthday. Why wait to have a birthday party when you can afford to have a party just for fun. So have a family get together and then throw kiddo a huge party when it's NOT his birthday.

I agree with others - when we do no gift parties we simply ask for donations to be made in our child's name to a foundation or local support place. Then people still feel like they are doing something.

People feel funny about coming to an event without a gift so how about turning it into a positive instead of a negative. Instead of no gifts please ask for something that will be donated to charity. My youngest granddaughter's birthday party invitations request food that will be donated to the local food shelter. A friend's invitation asked for toys or food for an animal shelter. People feel good about coming to celebrate AND support a cause.

I've done the "no gifts" party before and asked that guests make a donation if they would like. However, I've come to believe that the "no gift" concept is a very adult concept, not one that kids can really wrap their brains around. I mean, kids like presents, right? They like opening them and they like having and playing with them. So with that in mind, I'm not a huge fan of no gifts. I guess it also depends on their age.

So if you're totally against gifts, you could ask that guests bring a gift that will be donated to a woman's shelter, toys for tots, or another appropriate charity. Or they could make a donation to the bday child's favorite charity. I just think that no gifts for the sake of no gifts just doesn't make sense to kids.

Now, what I'd really like to see come to an end... birthday goodie bags! Hate them!

I have an easier time with this as we do not have tradition friend birthday parties for my son. We just have a family party .This is due to the fact that my son's birthday is in December ( well, today actually!) and so close to Christmas people are busy anyways. So he has a cookout in the summer for his friends to come over and just get together. We don't call it a Birthday party so no one brings presents. For this year he wants to have some friends over and go see the new Avenger movie- in May. We don't do a formal invite, so it's just a get together. No questions asked.

Saying "no gifts" on an invitation seems perfectly reasonable. Another option is to ask for donatable items. For example, items to be brought to an animal shelter or food bank.

I'm with you on no more stuff. ugh