I Hate the Person I've Become!

Something that has helped me is www.arbinger.com

There are personal coaches that can help you or you can buy one of their books. It has helped me to control my depression as well as lift the weight of negativity off my shoulders. There is also a facebook page you can be a fan of as well as a forum that discuss their application.

Good luck in whatever path you decide.

Well, that was an honest post!
You are living proof that financial security doesn't guarantee happiness.
Happiness and feelings of content come from within.
Since money is not an object, why not get a nanny/sitter for O. or two mornings or afternoons per week and do something YOU enjoy doing? I think you're caught up in mommy-mode and need to find J.-mode again.
Look, being a SAHM is the most under-appreciated, difficult, lowest paying job you'll likely ever have. But it's important work. And it can be the most rewarding IF you are in the right frame of mind and are not loosing yourself in the process. Good luck!

Dear J., I just wanted to send a hug and say you are definitely not alone. Some concrete thoughts:

1. It sounds like you need some mental health breaks: can you find a good babysitter once or twice a week to give you a few hours to yourself. I swear that when I get an hour or two to myself, it gives me a new perspective on everything. Or can your husband give you one or two mini breaks for 20 minutes or so in the morn and the eve???? and then an hour or two each day on the week end (that is what we do).

2. Are you taking care of yourself. It sounds like you can afford here and there to treat yourself. Take your kids shopping with you and buy yourself a treat here and there. Or go to the mall when the kids are asleep?

3. Exercise? Can you take a walk a few times a week in the eve or with the kids in the day?

4. FINALLY:
BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
DON'T EXPECT PERFECTION
FORGIVE YOURSELF
LOVE YOURSELF

These are great things to model for your kids.

Hope this helps, Blessings, Jilly

I used to say this exact thing "I pray to God to give me patience" but one day my Dad said this to me....."God does not GIVE patience, he puts you in a situation where you must LEARN patience, for how will you teach it if it was granted." and when he said that I got PISSED! LOL. Maybe you can put the kids in a 1/2 day or full daycare once or twice a week so you can find the person you WERE. I too at times feel like I lost a peice of me long ago, and as a matter of fact I used to LOVE to read Edgar Allan Poe and Stephen King books, I hadnt read on in over 10 years, well last week I google Edgar Allan Poe and I remembered how much I enjoyed it, so I try to read it when I get the chance (a L. everyday) but its "ME" lately I dont quite remember who that was, but I'm looking for her. LOL. Did I even give you advice.....or did I ramble like always? what your feeling is normal, we all feel that way EVEN Dad's.

Hahaha. I'm not laughing AT you at all!!! I'm just laughing because I'm sure there are so many other women reading your post and nodding in agreement just like I am.

I especially can relate to the issue about becoming my mother!!! I love her dearly, but shoot, that woman annoys me like no other. And...I am just like her AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I have so many of the same thoughts and concerns. I can tell you that they are more heavy on my mind when I am PMSing or stressed. I also just wanted to say that your hormones are still all out of whack (having a 7 month old).

I don't really have any advice for you, as I am in a very similar state of mind but just wanted to let you know htat you are not alone by any means.

I keep telling myself to get back into yoga, because I really think it will help, but I just haven't found the time. I don't know if that is something you would be interested in doing? If so, try it out, I think it would help!

You are not alone in this. :)

I have posted a similar post in the last 12 months... new house... moving... new baby... it's stressful and wears you out.

I have been working on not losing my temper taking a breath and trying to relax as well.

I suggest:

Yoga or walking - by yourself 3 days a week.
Letting go of things you can not fix...
Work on thinking a minute before the complaint comes out. Maybe if you take the time to think first, you can start eliminating the unnecessary complaining.. we all have things to complain about, it's just life... but if it bothers you, try working on it.
Read - Three Cups of Tea or Mountains Beyond Mountains. They are two amazing books about real people who work in countries with high poverty, war, disease, and low education. It will help open your eyes to how amazing it is to live here (it did for me).

Good luck and know you are doing your best - and that really is what is important. No one is perfect and your children will remember the good before the bad days.

Jessica
SAHM to Charlie (5) Joey (3) and Rebecca (18 months)

Oh J., I am struggling with this very same thing right now. I have a wonderful husband, two adorable, healthy L. girls, I get to stay home with them which I always wanted to do and my life is great. But I'm never really happy. I'm impatient with my 2.5 year old, I'm grumpy with my husband. My mother was this way too and it makes me sick to think that my daughters could end up like this because of me and my actions/attitude. Every day I start out praying for a better attitude and more patience and at some point it all goes back to the way it was. I don't know how to break the cycle or I'd share my tips. Just know that you're not alone.

You have received several great responses and by now you know you are not alone. I'm a complainer too. I am also a stay at home mom (to 3 kids) and have pretty much all I want/need. You have motivated me to stop bitching! Doing something for myself helps me to keep the bitterness at bay. Have you considered taking up a hobby of your own? Something that makes you proud of yourself? I enjoy long distance trail running and hiking and do that with friends 1-2 times a week. Some nights I don't even want to go running but i force myself because it really does make me a better wife and mom. It gives me a sense of pride to be doing something that I'm good at, something for ME.

Jilly is right on. I think you are being a L. h*** o* yourself, a 2 year old and 7 month old 24/7 will put even the most positive person on edge now and then. There are times, as a parent, that I think I may go crazy and when kids are so L. there is just so much neediness and not a lot of mature feedback, it can be very frustrating. That being said if your life is really that great and you feel this is a pattern of negativity within yourself than you can change it. I tend to be a worrier and sometimes a glass half empty type, I don't outwardly complain so much as think too much. I have to choose to redirect my thoughts. If I start slipping into a worry or negative thought I literally have to push it out of my mind and focus on something positive. Or I'll follow the worry through like if "A" happens what's the worst thing it can lead to? If "B" happens and it's really awful but I have absolutely no control over it then why am I worrying? Men are great at not dwelling on things they cannot change. I try to pay attention to my husband, if he is really worried about something (a total rarity) then it may be worth a L. stressing ;) When you start to complain, aloud or to yourself, stop and follow it through, is it a valid complaint? Will it matter one bit tomorrow, in a year, in 10? Exercise is great for your brain too. Join the Y or a gym. Kids go to the Kids Zone (mine loved it as L. ones) and you get two hours of daycare and time to work off the complaining mind set. Take a yoga class, it's way more than stretching. You are meditating and breathing both of which are so good for your mind, a natural high for sure. Do it a few times a week for a month and tell me you don't have a more positive, less complainy outlook. Nature always puts me right too, a walk in the woods, beach or park is a great mood enhancer. Finally, those kids who cause you to feel like complaining sometimes are the most positive, loving and hilarious influences in your life. It may not seem like it all the time but dropping everything to blow bubbles in the backyard has got to help on days that seem overwhelming. Here's the deal, it is VERY hard to change mental patterns like this but with work and a real desire to change you can. I just had to pause writing this to take a call from my MOTHER who is literally WORRYING about what hinge to buy at the hardware store for her gate, LOL. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Sadly she has never been as self aware as you or me and doesn't even realize she is a huge worrier and negative thinker. Now at 70 there's no changing her and I just take it as a example to fight that part of my genetic make-up. Hopefully I'll get a L. better and my daughters a L. more and before you know it our family will have evloved ourselves right out of worrying! LOL Finally, you can't be that bad and complainy with a life like you are describing. You did something right, why would that amazing husband love you? Why do you have two perfect & beautiful children? Dream house on the way? You must have had something to do with that. Now take a deep breath and ditch the Eyeore attitude, Tigger is much more fun!

It is because, once a Mom, we have so many things to keep up with... and no time for ourselves and we are so 'responsible' for so much and are not appreciated sometimes.

But it is a mind-set too.
Just smile... just the gesture of 'smiling' changes the body's chemical releases in the body, and one's moods. There has actually been studies on it.

AND, get time to yourself... to do just what you want to do. ONLY you. Or find a hobby... or vent and commiserate with friends.

It takes practice. Consciously.
And, maybe realizing that you are an example for your kids will help change your attitude. Because, would you want your kids to become like you?

I am not criticizing... but, kids 'learn' how by what they are exposed to, too.
I have my days when I am just like you and feel like you.
I have to practice my attitude... and I know that I get more like that when I am PMS'ing.
So I take Hylalnd's Calms Forte- for adults, for my PMS. And it helps with stress.

But mostly, it is a mind-set.
No day will be perfect... ever. So why get irked about it?
I just do the best I can. Even if some days are hard.
ALSO what helps me is, I have self instituted days where I do NOTHING... no cleaning and no cooking. I tell my Husband that... when I am just at the end of my rope. And then he will take the kids out. So I can get 'respite.'
Getting your own respite... helps. A lot.
We have to re-fill our own glass so to speak. Otherwise we run on empty.

Next, I have a 7 year old daughter. And when I am PMS'ing... and know I am not at my most patient... I just look at her, and knock myself on the head because SHE is so great and innocent... it is not her fault that I am so irked inside. When I am curt & irritated... I actually tell her "sorry, Mommy is sort of grumpy today... but I am trying my best..." and I tell her it is NOT her... but Mommy is just not 'perfect' today. Just STOP yourself before you yell at your kids.... count to 10 when you feel upset.
OR... I will actually tell my kids that "Mommy needs a break... I'm going in that room for a bit..." and I leave the room and give myself a time-out. But just to regroup myself.

all the best,
Susan

Wow, J., what a clear and courageous self-assessment. Three thoughts come to mind:

1. Get involved in some kind of volunteer work. Helping other people who are struggling is a fabulous way to really "get" it that we are blessed.

2. Consider some sort of calming practice. Meditation, yoga or other "centering" body work, walking in nature, even gardening or doing some new art or craft could give you something deeply satisfying that might be missing for you right now.

3. Check out this website and see whether it holds any juice for you. http://www.thework.com/watch.php?cat=TW&yid=sntXq76UlW0 (My husband and I find "The Work" stimulating, challenging, and growth-promoting.

My best to you. Your struggle is so human, and we all find ourselves there at least some of the time. Congratulations on your wish to do something more kind and positive for yourself.

Seriously, just the fact that you recognize something in yourself that you would like to change is awesome. Most people don't have the self-awareness to do that. I definitely agree with the others who said you really need some time for yourself and to give yourself a break. It sounds like you don't get any alone time. I totally agree about finding a sitter - if you don't have family, maybe there is a local college somewhere (that's what I do) or sitter.com (not sure if that is exactly right) or some other website? I love my husband and adore my daughter, who is the absolute best thing that ever happened to me, but still I need a break once in awhile. Like someone else said, just a couple hours can do wonders. Even if you just take a nice long shower and paint your nails or something. Or maybe a night out with a girlfriend every couple of weeks if your husband can stay in? I hear deep breaths help too but personally I always forget to do that, lol. You shouldn't be so h*** o* yourself, it is so hard being home all day with kids. I only have one right now and I wonder how people with 2 do it!! Just realizing where you are is half the battle I think. It is so great that you want to make a change and to set a good example for your kids on how to deal with emotions. I wish you the best - good luck!

The totally amazing thing about you is that most people who are like this, don't KNOW that they are like this. You should be very proud that you "get it". Yes it's only the first step, but for real, I know so many people like this who would never admit to it in a million years and really do think that the rest of the world is annoying, not that they have an attitude problem.

It sounds like you may be suffering from "My life is so good that the bar is set really high and any L. thing annoys me" syndrome, and you probably caught the bug from your mom.
My good friend has a wealthy successful husband, they've been together her whole adult life and she's never struggled for one day or missed a meal. While some of us were single and fighting to survive and chewing our way up the shitty job ladder with hard and numerous jobs and no help in bad neighborhoods of LA, she was already in a nice house in the hills with a nice car and a fun part time job at a glamorous spa "to occupy some of her time" by age 23 hosting fancy parties, meeting stars and wearing beautiful clothes. Fast forward the the present, she's still living the same way, she's 40, they're now literally mega rich, and all she does is whine. Her kid drives her nuts, she has a nanny, and all she does is complain about stress. She's on meds. Her mom is the same way. Always complaining.

I'm one of those people who has 3 kids under 5, my husband always (and I mean ALWAYS) travels for work, we have a massive IRS problem from years ago when an ex manager of his screwed his whole band. It's a full time stress out and I'm the only one here to deal with the terrible notices when they come and assemble the response paperwork which takes weeks, it's been going on now for years, we are always on a tight budget, we want to move but we can't, I wanted to move out here to boost my art career after 20 years working like a dog in an industry I didnt' like, but I don't have a minute to myself. No nanny, no housekeeper, I take all three kids on every errand I do. I do all the housework and bills, etc. We're in debt from child deliveries with no health insurance and not having it stresses me out now that we have kids. And I never (well almost never) complain.

This is largely because I truly feel blessed. I don't try to feel blessed, I do feel blessed. No matter how crappy the finances get, it's still better than when I was younger and living in dumps breathing crack smoke through the my crappy apartment windows in dangerous neighborhoods and wearing thrift store clothes trying to stay awake working three jobs alone in LA never having time or money o do anything fun. And I was still recovering form a broken back from an accident, so I was in pain. And then moving to NY was even rougher for a while until my jobs started paying more. But I always knew I had so much more than so many other people. Even if it was just potential and opportunity.

And when I quit work to stay home with the kids, to me it was so much easier than working, and I was grateful for my new cushy life home with a baby, which was so much more rewarding. Now I'm thankful every time all of us come in from errands in one piece, no car accidents. I truly believe anyone with healthy children has no right to complain about anything. I discipline the kids calmly and firmly and fairly. I dont' yell. When I feel myself getting aggro I keep quiet and give myself a break.. Shake things up, get out to the park.

I'm the one making sure every outing is fun-even if my husband is there and turns into a whiny kid himself- and we find the interesting things in the details even if all our plans our falling through. If I'm exhausted and not feeling happy, I just stay quiet for a bit and let the kids have fun. It always passes. I would never want to set an example of ungratefulness to the kids, and I honestly don't feel it either.

Just this morning, I needed an extra hour of sleep, hubby's not home, one kid woke me up by spilling something in the bathroom, the other tried to pour his own juice and spilled it everywhere. I never get angry at accidents-by conscious decision and a rule to myself, not because I was born angelic. I rolled out of bed and made a big joke out of it and acted like the monster who eats kids who get up to early and spill things and sent everyone shrieking so I could get to the mess without them getting in the way. Since they are firmly disciplined for wrong actions (not accidents), they are super well behaved and that makes my life easy too. I can take them anywhere. We have fun all the time.

One thing that really helped me when I was younger (your age) and used to be more uptight about details, like if a trip didn't go just the right way, we didn't get just the right room, or right table at the restaurant etc. was to decide in advance to have fun that day, and not leave it in the hands of the specifics. It took a breaking point about 10 years ago after struggling "too long" in my mind at the time, to start putting me on that path, where I had to accept that life is hard, but precious. Embrace the hard parts!

We just drove to visit my husband at his Philly show, and everything went wrong. He kept apologizing for not being able to show us a good time as things went wrong when we see him so rarely. I kept reminding him, we were just there to spend time, and it was great.

Nothing about the trip was "fun for me". We weren't seeing art, we weren't doing anything I wanted to do, it was hard hauling the kids around to his events without his help. No one paid attention to me-it was all about my husband and the kids. I haven't had a single break from the single mom grind in over 10 months. But I had vowed in advance to have fun on that trip no matter what, and we did. We actually had a blast and his peers wanted to keep us around. I had 10 new facebook friend requests waiting when we got home-weird because these were all very "happening" sort of people who I thought would be bored by his "family".

Keep working on counting your blessings and asking for strength. You may want to ask your hubby to let you go on a "self spirituality retreat" where you have to go do something really hard in an unpleasant place for a while helping others, so you appreciate your life more when you get back. Nothing compares to real life experiences. I know you wouldn't want something truly terrible to happen one day and to look back and realize you didn't enjoy what you had when you had it. Good work acknowledging this and don't stop working on yourself. You can do it. Look for books. A New Earth is pretty good at getting me to center and not compound things for myself.

Don't feel bad if you snap now and then, you're human. If you work on this it will happen less and less. One day at a time. Get exercise, eat right. I couldn't function if I didn't dump the kids in gym daycare 3 times a week and stay in shape. Take the kids to do some volunteer work, it really does make everyone feel great. Take care of yourself. Love yourself! Love your life! Make fun times, don't wait for them to be served to you.
ooh, also, I too had to disassociate myself form my mother's personality. Do it. DON'T BE YOUR MOM. You DON"T HAVE TO!!!

J.,

I suggest you locate a homeless shelter, woman's shelter and/or a soup kitchen and do some volunteer work at least 2 or 3 hours per week. You can practice your smile and get a chance to have folks that have absolutely nothing smile back and be thanksful that you are there.

Some women in your position, turn to alcohol, perscription drugs, therapy, over spending etc...I think helping people who are less fortunate right in one's own town is the best therapy.

I wish you all the best and will be praying for you....Most importantly, begin LOVING yourself and appreciating all the good things about YOU!

Blessings....

I'm right there with you, a 6 month old and a 27 month old. I'm not getting any sleep, and I have days when I yell at my daughter over the stupidest things. I then feel so guilty about it I want to go hide.

I remember things getting rough around the 6 month period with my two year old, and then it got easier when she hit 1. My husband calls me "grumpy boots." When I'm tired, it's just so hard to maintain a happy disposition! I'm thankful for my playgroup mom friends. They keep me sane!

We most likely need to just hang in there. Oh ya, one of my friends who has three under 5 is always reminding me, "they don't remember anything before 3." Her point: be gentle on yourself, young children are hard!

You are not alone! My children are my heart and I love them in a way I just couldn't possibly love anyone else, but I find myself straining at the bit when it's time to go to work or get out of the house! I feel like I'm going to FREAK OUT a lot of the time! I went back to work full time because I really felt like I would be a better person and better mother NOT staying at home -and you know what -I am! I had heard that before. I guess it all depends on how we're wired, but I've definitely felt guilty about it. I also feel guilty about the fact that I want to enjoy every moment because I know these years really do go by VERY fast, but dammit -there are times like this morning when I just want them to be older (I do, but I don't -it's a constant paradox).

Seriously, I have made it my biggest goal to find and choose happiness and gratefulness in my life as part of turning 40. Like you, I am blessed many times over with wonderful people and things, but also like you I feel like I'm going to lose it a lot of the time.

I don't really have any great advice or a solution (other than you may want to investigate going back to work -it has made me MUCH happier and more contented, and I still get to spend a great deal of time with my boys -although not as much as I would like to with the youngest one), but I just want you to know -you are not alone!

Oh -and here is a L. advice -put those kids in a Mom's Morning Out program two or three times a week for half a day! Tons of churches have them. That kept me from going completely nuts. If you have the money -hire a sitter for a day per week and go run errands alone, get a pedicure, browse the bookstore or library on your own, see a movie, etc.

Don't have an answer for you, just want you to know your not alone... I get the same way and think "what do I have to be so miserable about, I have a great life...".... My son is 3.5 and the LOVE OF MY LIFE but I still sometimes get the "baby blues"....:0)

In addition to trying to get some down time for yourself, you could try the practice of gratitude. Each day, write down a list of things you are thankful for. That can be a powerful practice of helping you appreciate things in your life. Focusing on those can help a person be more positive and less focused on things you'd otherwise be complaining about.

I could have written this myself! I am not glad to see that you are having probalems but glad to see that I am not the only one who feels this way b/c I feel SO guilty for it. My life is as text-book perfect as your is: I am in my dream house and do not have to work. I am able to spend freely and my husband does not question me and he is supportive in everything that I do. My kids are AMAZING (2 boys-6 and 8). So why am I so miserable all the time?? Not only do I constantly complain (mostly internally-but enough to others that I am sure I am thought of as negative) but I have really started to be not so nice to people. They just all seem to annoy me! When I was younger I was a lot nicer b/c I cared what people thought but now at 43 I really don't. I also see SO much of my mother in me and it scares me. I want to be a positive person so badly. I want my nature to be sunny and happy and to wear a smile instead of a scowl. I have come to the conclusion that this is just how I am. I have tried anti-depressants but they don't really work for me. I would like to try therapy but am a L. freaked out by it. I don't want a written record of myself out there for anyone-its just too personal. Since I am older than you and have been through the harder times of having such young kids I will tell you a few things that helped me a L.:

I joined a gym with daycare. This was a total win-win b/c the kids loved it there and a got some time to myself to exercise and watch grownup TV (each machine there had one attached). The exercise felt great and the time away was awesome. I see that you llive in Pgh. If you are anywhere near Oxford I highly recommend it. They even have a spa and restaurant you can use when the kids are in the daycare.

I made the effort to meet some other moms and get playgroups and activities going. Being a SAHM can be very isolating if you let it. You need to get out and meet people. Hopefully your new neighborhood will have other SAHMs in it. Talking and venting with other moms is very therapeutic.

Make your husband take the kids one Saturday a month so you get some time to yourself. Go to the spa, mall or wherever that you can relax. Insist upon this. You work full-time also (actually 24-7!)and deserve a break too. Also consider getting a high school kid in a morning or 2 a week to give you a small break. I always said that I was going to do this but never did. I was stupid not to.

I would lose my temper just like you. How I occasionally went off on my sweet L. boys when they were younger is a guilt that I will carry always. I can only say that they really don't remember those times at all so that makes me feel a L. better. I can't give you advice there but I will say that you should work on it b/c I regret that I didn't.

I will close by telling you that this will get SO much easier. As your kids get older and able to communicate with you better it becomes really really fun! They will also go to school and you will start to regain some normalcy for yourself and feel like you have a better handle on things. Everything else will hopefully fall into place then. I will also tell you to TRY to enjoy this time with them. When people would tell me this I would get annoyed but it is really so true. It does really go by so fast. My boys are in school now and when they are gone I miss them so much. I am extrememly sentimental to those days when I had them all to myself. They don't want to play with me so much anymore-they play with eachother and their friends. They don't want to hold my hand anymore and I embaress them when I kiss them in public. I wish I realized it at the time just how great things were. I wish that I was less concerned that my house was a mess and really took more time to play with them.

One last thing...maybe you should look into therapy if you haven't already and aren't adverse to it. They can probably give you tools to help with the complaining and the temper I would think. It may be just that easy. If you have any luck post back-maybe I will give it a try then!

It sounds like you have good insight, so I'm not sure what anyone can tell you.

You complain AND yell? That's a lot of negativity. Maybe every time you feel like complaining about something, try to think about what is good about the situation. Try being an optimist. Life is a lot easier for optimistic people.

I'm an optimistic person, so I've never been a complainer, but I did yell too much at my kids when they were younger. I seriously regret it, even though they turned out fine. Your kids are babies -- don't yell at them.

I would talk to your doctor. Since your only 7 months post partum your hormones could still be out of whack.

It also sounds like you need some me time. Maybe you should look into hiring a babysitter for one or two afernoons a week. Or maybe joining some type of play group where you could meet other moms in your area, that have children the same age.

Good luck.

Don't let less fortunate people make you feel as if you have no 'right' to feel discontent. I have a great life but feel the same as you at times. I have gotten the vibe from a friend or two that I have no business complaining - presumably because I have the 'perfect life.' Complaining doesn't help us solve anything, and nobody likes to hear it. But, this rule applys to ladies with lousy love lives and financial woes, too! The point is, if you are in a negative place emotionally then you are suffering - regardless of the other aspects of your life. What I can tell you for sure is that it will get better in time, so hang in there! You NEED time away from the kids. You NEED lots of rest. You NEED a supportive group of women for friendship. Your children are so L., and it is very hard to meet any of these needs right now. Mine are 4 and 2, and things have finally started picking up for me in the last six months. My best advice is to endure the stress of keeping the kids with you for errands and tasks so you may reserve your MIL for date nights. Leave them with your husband for girls gatherings or spa day. I don't have ample childcare either, and have found that it helps my mental state more to save it for fun outings rather than practical ones. I always laugh when people ask why a SAHM would need childcare. Because it's soooo easy to take a 1 and 3 year old to the OBGYN, or bank appt, or mechanics! My mom was single and worked full time. I was rarely present for such things - I was left with a grandparent, babysitter, or at daycare. My kids are practically velcroed to each hip every second of the day! So, use your sitter time wisely to get your mental release. Your kids are still extremely dependant on you for every single thing. It is draining in every way. It is the most wonderful privilage to be with them during this time in their lives. Still, you are only human (and as another mom mentioned, pretty hormonal at only 7 months post pardom). Things get easier!

Your post has an "anxious" vibe to it . . . is there any chance that you deal with anxiety on a regular basis?

Anxiety can overwhelm reasonable thought, rationality, gratefulness, etc. It's a really tough issue to overcome.

One of the biggest things that helped me was talking with a counselor for about 2 years. You may have unresolved issues from your childhood, or you may just need to learn coping techniques.

I haven't done any prescription meds for anxiety - don't like them unless absolutely necessary. I have had good luck with a better diet and some supplements (5-HTP). It also helps if I get sufficient sleep (hard to do when you have really L. ones like you do).

I could be off base and if I am I apologize. It's wonderful that you recognize how blessed you are . . . I just hope you can get to a place where you ENJOY it most of the time. Having struggled myself years ago I feel for you. Good luck.

PS: Don't hate yourself - you have recognized the problem which is the toughest thing to do! You are smart and you care - you'll figure this out.

I think to a degree we all may be guilty of not being happy with what we have. I struggle with this too. We all need to realize that there are MANY people who would give their right arms to be us, but in reality that isnt what is going through our heads on a daily basis!! We get lost in our daily stresses, and let things get to us way too much. At least you are aware of this, and thats the first step!
It does sound like you may struggle with anxiety. Sometimes there is no cut and dry answer as to why you have it, you just do.Talk with your doctor, or even a nutritionist. Alot of us our lacking alot in our diets, and I firmly believe that can be a culprit of unhealthy emotions and bodies. Take a breath, realize you're not alone. But be pro-active. It's no fun feeling like this!

I recommend you find a moms group or MOPs is fantastic. They meet 2 morning a month (at least mine does) and the kids are cared for (played with, snack time, bible lesson if kids are old enough, crafts, etc.... the kids love it because they get to play with other kids, even the babies) and moms love it because they get to be with other moms who have kids around the same age so deal with the same stuff, they get a break and just get to be women for a while. At our Mops group (mothers of preschoolers if you don't know) we have speakers on different subjects each meetings, sometimes things helpful for kids like a nurse in a ped. office, etc and others just for moms; dealing with inlaws and other realtionships, balancing family and work or outside of home life, gardening, we even had a spa day it was so fun and relaxing.
I am not a patient person either and I have a temper too. I am a yeller (which I hate) but am working on it. I am somewhat of a complainer and an over scheduler, I like every minute planned out of every day for the next month and get upset if things get off track. I don't think I am unhappy as you seem to be but I am not filled with joy as I want to be. I am over stressed. I stress and worry about everything no matter how hard I try to leave it at the cross. My hubby doesn't stress about anything so that makes me feel that I need to carry his share of stress too! Crazy huh. However alittle time away helps alot! My girls are 2 years apart to the day so I know what you mean about close in age.... as they get alittle older it is actually nice because they like the same things and will play well together giving you more free time. I love being home with my kids and wouldn't want to change being a SAHM but I am extremely busy (3 kids 4,6,11...all involved in activities; and 5 dogs, cat,2 fish, huge yard and garden). But all these things that keep me busy and stress me out, also are the things I love the most, 2nd to God and my Husband. Come to think about it everything I love the most even God and my Husband keep me busy and sometimes stressed too! See it seems I am complaining about the things I love, how can that be! Oh well, just roll with it. Don't try to change everything about yourself at one time.... pick one thing you want to change right now, make a plan and work hard to break that habit. Smile more. Write the word Smile on every mirror in your house, smile everytime you see the word, make a conscience effort to smile a specific time each day and keep adding to it. It is hard to complain when smiling!
Hope this helps:) Gotta run to a baseball and teeball game tonight! Fun Fun :)

I think a lot of SAHM can sympathize. I'm sure since your husband has such a good job, he works hard at it & therefore spends a lot of hours away from home. I work just halftime, but I still feel guilty spending any money on myself because I'm not the "bread winner." I only have one,& can't even imagine having two kids(even though I'd like to). You definitely need breaks.You go crazy being with your kids 24/7 no matter how wonderful &precious & how much you love them.Sometimes even a couple hours away isn't enough. My sister & I both have 2 year olds. Once or twice a month we get to go out & leave kids with Dads & I always feel guilty, but you need grown up fun. It doesn't sound like u have a sis around,but even a close friend who also needs a break would be great. Since your Mom doesn't live near by, I would ask your husband if maybe he can have a chat with his Mom. Mom's can't resist requests from sons.I know how hard it is to speak candidly with the MIL.I also understand that it is hard really to do anything suggested because you don't have the help around to watch the kids. Working out is a great stress reliever,if you can get to the gym or go for a run without the kids. I think it must release like a happy chemical or something. I also have to watch my yelling. sometimes it's the only way a two yr. old will hear you, but I did hear that it can also get them worked up, too. So, I have to just force myself to repeat myself in a calm manner over & over until they listen. This age is good to start time outs,too. A good spot to give you both a chance to calm down is their bed. In closing, being really truly happy in your life is hard work for anyone, single, attached, married,kids, or none. Nobody said life was easy & some people just have an easier time with taking it all in stride. You can also talk to your dr. about anti-depressants. I've known a few people who've really done quite well on the right ones. You can see a total change in their attitude (even talking on the phone). I hope in my rambling I had any advice for you. Mostly I just sympathize. Motherhood is literally one of the hardest & most trying jobs.

I think you've already taken the first step and admit to yourself. Don't expect a microwave solution, you said you've been a complainer for 35 years, so don't get mad at yourself when you are trying to change a behavior you've been doing for that long. Not sure if you are into movies or not, but what comes to mind when you say you pray to God for patience is Evan Almighty, when Morgan Freeman (pretending to be GOD) says you pray for patience and I give you "Opportunities" to be patient. Find something that works for you, maybe the next time you are about to complain about something, hold your tongue then think of 5 things you can say out loud that you are thankful for at that moment. It will help calm yourself down. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, you are not alone. I think you are on the right track to changing your life, don't focus on what everyone else is doing or saying, you can only "CONTROL" yourself.
God Bless!

First of all, pat yourself on the back for being able to take care of (in every mommy way) your two YOUNG children. Its most likely not you as much as it is the fact that they are so close in age, you are doing so many things for each of them every day you dont even realize. And dont feel guilty that because you have all these great things in life yet still feel like a complainer. Its very hard to raise children these days and there are alot of things to complain about lol. Ive been there, well im still there haha, just not as bad. I have two boys 9 and 11. Its still hard but i remember the years when they were young and i felt the same way you do. Id say one of the most important things for you is to have your special time for you. Whether it be going out with girlfriends for dinner or shopping or just relaxing, you need time off! Also, have you tried playdates or a moms club, lets you at least talk to other moms and see you arent the only one that feels that way. Even get ideas of how to lower your stress from moms doing it.. Your letter could have been written by me back then, so im assuming its normal . And like i said, it does get easier!! I hope i helped a L.. xoxo
T.

It sounds simple, but stay in the moment. Listen to what is being said to you and what you are seeing in every moment. Being closer to your MIL's age, I've "been there and done that" and having raised 3 children and worked night shift. I know it's easy to feel overwhelmed looking ahead at what has to be done but you are very fortunate to have the time to spend with them as they grow up.
Take a L. bit of time each day to reflect on what you have to be grateful for.You might even want to help at a shelter or food kitchen with your children: a learning experiences for all. If you tend to be an organized person start the day with a "to do" list, so you can see at the end of the day how much you really do. And meet with other moms who might be feeling the same way you do. It's nice to verbalize your feelings and get validated sometimes.

I have a 10 month old son and my husband contracts for the railroad and therfore is gone alot. We struggle from paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. you are so lucky thats not an issue for you but i do you how you feel a L. I deffinetly think you need more "me" time if you dont have family to help out try and find a reliable babysitter just so you can go to a movie or out to eat or just to go home and relax with no babies! I need to listen to my own advise but i work 8 to 4 so i feel all my other time should belong to him but next time my husband comes home we are for sure going to a movie! Good Luck....your a lucky women...God loves you.

What I see through your comment is a huge level of dissatisfaction. Never take things for granted, be thankful for what you have, not for what you wish, but do not have. I have my moments, too, but I will not define myself as a complainer. I remember when talking to my dermatologist, who is a fine woman, she said once to me: from the moment you stop trying to get things perfect: perfect places, perfect attitudes, perfect friends and so forth, you will start enjoying life much better and in the fullest way. It worked, I was more of a perfectionist and as a result wanted everything it is place; therefore, was stressed out, dissatisfied and not happy. Guess what! That was one of the reason why I had break outs on my face...voilà! Enjoy the things you have: kids, new home, wonderful husband and your health. I do not have a single family member to help me out with any thing related to my kids, but I take my kids where ever I go. I do not have a perfect complexion, but I got smarter and healthier, I still hold some pickiness in my life, but definitely, I thank God ever time that I remember, for my awesome family and the chance that I have to see my kids growing up. Leave the complaining behind and start enjoying life.

Hi, J.:

It sounds like you are bored.

Check the web for a support group for Co-Dependents Anonymous at

www.coda.org

Find a meeting and see if that will help you understand yourself better.

It took alot of courage to admit that you need help.
Good luck. D.

You are perfectly normal and I understand how you feel, I had the same feelings you had and then I had my Doctor put me on some anti anxiety medicine, it helped! I am not a medicine person and resisted at first, but alot of healthy people and moms need a L. help, Do not be so h*** o* yourself and you should be proud of yourself for acknowledging your feelings. Good Luck

Sounds like you just need some time for yourself. We are raising some of our grandkids and decided to use Mothers-Day-Out so we could have some time for ourselves. There should be some local churches that offer something like this. It is usually shorter hours than child care, maybe 10-3 or 9am to noon. They are wonderful places where the kids get some time with kids their age and make new friends. You could also try trading with some of your friends and doing one day a week as a day out. For instance you could watch the kids on the first Wednesday, friend #2 could do the second Wednesday, and another friend the third Wednesday, etc...if you have several friends you could have 5-6 Wednesdays free before you have the bunch again. If that is intimidating you could have a couple of you together each time.

I am a natural complainer too, I got it from my mom. She never had anything good to say about anyone or anything. It is ingrained into my very bones. So, you can go to some therapy sessions and get to the root of it or you might find a life coach or something like that. You are so young and can make the needed changes. It will be work but you can begin to understand what is at the root and start finding more positive outlets.

I know you've already got tons of responses, but I wanted to let you know that your response really resonated with me and I know where you are coming from. I think the most important thing you mentioned is that you never get a break. If you are financially comfortable, there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to hire someone to babysit. It's summer and teens and young adults are off from school/college. Maybe you could find someone to come visit with you a few times to get to know the kids, and then the first time you leave, just try going out for an hour or so. If you use the same babysitter fairly frequently, your kids should become comfortable with them quickly. Also, I read the book "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" and it really helped me to learn to cope with my anger with my children. Good luck to you!

Thank you for writing this. I feel the same way. I do work full time, so the L. time I get to spend with my kids are limited, which makes me feel more guilty. I know I need more time for myself. I have gained a lot of weight and am depressed over it. I wish I had time to exercise more which I know would make me feel better. I do not have any time to do this unless I start at 9:00pm! Too tired for that! I could stay home but hubby isn't so keen on it. I think he would be jealous if I do. Horrible. I have an easy job with excellent benefits and great leave time, so I am nervous about leaving, plus I always relied on myself. Try to get more time for yourself. I know it is hard, I understand. I know if I could feel better about myself, what a better mother I could be. The daiky struggles we all have.

First of all look for the good. Don't focus on the negative. People prefer hanging out with happy people.
I would listen to Wayne Dwyer. He is a motivation speaker he is found under the self help section at the library or book store.
My husband has the tendency to focus on the negative so does my MIL. He loves me and we have a good marriage. If he says anything about me its a critism. The only time he ever gives me a compliment is if I ask for it. Maybe he doesn't even realize he does it. His mother probably did it all the time growing up so its ingrained in him. Do you want to pass on this trait to your children.
As far as your mom well focus on the postive. Its just that easy. No matter what the situation is in life you can be positive about it or negative. You need to find some positive friends that have positive behavior that will rub off on you.
I get frazzled I get it..Its how you choose to handle the situations. My husband works extremely long hrs from Jan-April. My parents work full time so when I am able to see them I am grateful.
Good or bad each experience can teach us a lesson. Take a breath and focus on the L. things. Be grateful your husband is not forcing you to go back to work..Many people around were wer reside its a two income families.
Count your blessings. Look at all the good stuff in your life. Enjoy your parents and in laws while they are still around some day they will die and don't have any regrets that you wished you would of done something diffently. Good luck.

Ok...So this how I feel, I am not a "know it all" by any means...but this is what helps me get through those "all to often moments" I tell myself how would I feel right now if I just got the news that my husband and children were killed in a car accident.....Suddenly that whinning complaining child in front of me is a gift, not a chore. So I bend down and give the biggest hug that I know how and thank my daughter, and she stops her crying and says "Why Mommy" and I say for sharing your life with me. Ah, and my husband when he get to be "a L. much at times" I hug him and say "We are in this together, thank you" Don't get me wrong I still get down, I still cry and I still complain, but if I find the strengh most of the time to truely appreciate....The road of life get brighter.
Best wishes to you and may you always find peace in your life!

Try thinking about whether you'd rather leave your family. You don't Have To stay and be their mom. You could pick up and go right now and never come back. You can choose to stay, though, too. And, you can choose to make better choices again and again. Like, take a deep breath instead of yelling. When you find yourself doing something negative, stop yourself. Apologize, deep breath, do better. When you feel negative, come up with at least 2 choices of what to do, and pick the better one. Next time, find at least 2 even better choices, and pick the best one. You'll see the benefits of this in your kids' and your husband's happiness.

Try this website:
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
http://sandradodd.com/negativity

Wanting to change is huge. Lots of negative people never even imagine changing. You're way ahead already. Good luck.

It sounds like you have alot of hormones running around - it would benefit you to talk to someone - they can help you find ways to deal with the stress, relaxing methods and positive thinking. You may have some mild depression from the birth as well. They may be able to recommend some positive reading materials for you at home as well - you want to change, these will just help you. Good Luck.

Oh Dear J.,
I can so relate to your post!

And the best advice I ever received (and it is still terribly hard for me to do) is "find time for yourself". If you cannot do it every day, then at least once a week. Because I had such a hard time convincing myself I needed this time, my time once a week is with a therapist. I won't break the appointment unless it is an emergency and it gives me time just for me and I get to talk about anything in my head.

It sounds as if you are limited with family support but might have some financial resources available. Please consider hiring a babysitter for at least an hour a week (to start). And during this hour leave your home, if only to walk by yourself or with a good friend. You will be amazed how recharged you will feel when you return.

You may think you aren't able to do this but really, you can and you need it. I often lost my patience with my children (a girl & a boy). And felt isolated and alone. I was drowning in everyone else's needs and demands on me. Until my mother died and my anger was at an all time high; I then started therapy for my anger and the loss of my mom and found the half hour a week also gave me the time to myself I needed. I then started walking and used this as time to have my children stay with their dad on the weekend while I took some alone time for myself. Now I have returned to a different therapist and I found the same pleasure in an hour of my time during the week.

You will respond to your children with more patience because you have recently come from your quality time with yourself or that time will soon be arriving. If money is not available, try swapping child care with another friend mom. Most likely she will relish the hour alone too. Often when my children were smaller, I used that hour to park my car in a park and nap uninterrupted. It was glorious! And I felt so decadent.

You are important. You are losing your temper because you are burnt out. Take care of you and you will find more patience. And you are not alone. Even if I am the only mom who tells you this, I have not hit my children (but sometimes I really wanted to) but I am embarrassed to say I have yelled, thrown things, hit walls, slammed doors, and thrown my own temper tantrums and scared my children. I am not proud of my behaviour and I apologize after every incident but I worry about the damage I have done to my children, their psyche, and our relationships. I am flawed but I continue to try the best I can and learn from my mistakes and love my children with all I can. Some days are much easier than others.

Be well,
ann m.

I can so relate! I recently found and have read twice now a book called "Happy for No Reason" by Marci Shimoff. She's got some interesting insights and some concrete exercises that are easy to do that have helped me refocus my attitude. I got the book from the library, so it didn't cost me anything except a L. time. It's also an active way for me to work on changing me in a managable sort of way. Can't hurt!

When my kids were younger (and they're only 15 months apart), I found that reading parenting books really helped me a lot. I was always overwhelmed too. I love Parenting with Love and Logic, and even now, with them being 6 and 7, I am reading Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child. It's great to read ideas on how to handle circumstances we're faced with everyday. You should definitely try it!

J.:
What you are describing is textbook depression (guilt, irritation, etc). Please see your Doctor and get screened for this...don't try to "handle" this on your own...it is a disease just like diabetes, epilepsy,etc...it needs treatment and medication, if necessary. I wish I could write more, but I am in a big rush...:(
Take care, hon...

This post hits home with lots of moms! We all feel like that sometimes. But I think you need to be evaluated for postpartum depression. Here's a link to one of the best scales: http://www.dbpeds.org/media/edinburghscale.pdf. It's British so they say "postnatal." A score over 13 is indicative of depression.

Regardless of whether it is PPD, I would seek a behavioral modification therapist to work on modifying the behaviors you don't like. Kudos to you for recognizing a problem and reaching out to solve it!

wow you just described me! i also am a stay at home mom w the perfect life, husband and can spend freely. i have 4 beautiful children ages 7, 5, 3, and 20 months. THEY ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! i need to get away from them! i also complain a lot to. i know exactly how you r feeling. everyday there is somewhere we have to go. i need like a weekend away but i am mom and can't do that. i don't have an anwser for you but i can definatly sympathise.

you may lean toward a depression of sort. why not try either natural or prescription remedies and see how you feel?

I haven't read all your responses, and I know you have already posted that you have had a lot of terrific responses...its just that sometimes no matter how perfect our lives may seem we can still feel unhappy and that isn't a bad thing. You need to make sure you make time for you so you don't get burnt out. I try and make a ritual out of my L. time, I always use a really nice bath scent, and use a lotion that I love after I get out. Keeping a journal helps, make sure you write down something you are thankful for every day. Find a book club or join a prayer group at church, something that lets you interact with other adult women, its great being a SAHM, but we all need time with other adults too. Have a date night with your husband even if its staying in the house and dressing up with the kids going to bed early ( or with them right there at the table too) so much of how we feel is up to us, when you look in the mirror, smile...put up post it notes to remind yourself to smile! ((hugs)) Also, if you are struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to your doctor, there are lots of medications available that can help.
Lots of luck = )