I Don't Want My Baby Going over to the In-laws house...is That Wrong?

How you feel about this is much less important than what is best for your child and your family....that is you, your husband and your child. Grandparents, unless they are abusive, are an important element in any child's life AND they are your husband's parents. Make a point of asking them over every Sunday evening for dinner...or some other regular family time. If they choose to accept the invitation is up to them, but your husband will see that you are making a genuine effort and the grandparents will have the opportunity to see your child if they want. Is there any possibility that you have made them feel unwelcome and that is why they haven't been to visit?

As to having your child go to their house without you....that is another matter. If you are invited, go and be gracious, but don't send your son without you there.

I will not leave my kids with anyone or in any place I am not confortable with.
However the question I have for you is this. How happy or sad do you want to make your husband? How does he feel about all of this? Can you imagine how he feels while at work with the rest of his family?
Is there a middle ground? how was it before you had the child? Did you have a wonderful relationship with them? what has suddenly changed?
the middle ground is that you take your child to their place once in a while. You hold your own child so that you can control his environment. Be gracious and make your husband proud of you. it might actually teach the inlaws something about you.

goodluck
just another view

I believe that family is important and you should build into that relationship and be an example if you feel they have issues. However, I can understand your hestitation in going to their house. Why don't you compromise and meet them halfway for lunch or dinner with the baby? You could also meet at the park and spread a blanket on the ground for your baby.

First off, you need to see where your husband stands on all this because ultimately it is HIS family and HE needs to be the go-between. If he doesn't see his familiy's faults then unfortunately its going to be a very tough battle.

You know that your ultimately responsiblity is to your child. If you feel that you HAVE to expose your child to them, do it in short visits. If your child doesn't know them, he won't be comfortable being left alone with them. There is no rule that says kids have to be left alone with grandparents so don't do it if you don't feel comfortable with the situation. If their behavior becomes something that you prefer to not expose your kids to, leave ASAP. Like you said, its a 25 minute drive there and its only a 25 in drive to get out!

My MIL has her own health issues and even though she adores my kids, I know that I can't leave them with her for an extended period of time because she is prone to dizzy spells and vertigo. I absolutely WILL NOT allow her to drive my kids anywhere. Her health situation will probably not change but until my kids are old enough to take care of themselves (and potentially her in an emergency) that is just one of our rules that everyone must abide by.

You are the parent and you have to set the example for your child what behavior is acceptable in your household. Just because "cursing" is allowed at grandma's house doesn't mean you have to allow it at yours. Good luck and take care.

Dear A.,

You mention that your husband is supportive, but what is he actually doing about this? It's his family and he should be the one to negotiate with them.

This sounds more like an issue of control and manipulation on the part of your in-laws rather than a genuine interest in your child. If they really cared, they'd be there. People get on airplanes and fly long distances to see a new offspring. These people can't drive 25 minutes?!

A possibility that will open up in coming months is that you could meet them at a park or playground with your child. That's neutral ground. But, for your baby's health and your sanity, you should not yield to their demands and your husband should be the one to deliver this message.

Do you think they have a problem with your parents? I know my mom is uncomfortable going over to my In-laws house. Not because of anything they did, it's just that they don't have the established relationship that I already have with them, so it feels like they are going to a stranger's house.

Maybe they feel that way, too? They don't see it as coming to see the baby, they see it as going to your parent's house without being invited by your parents.

I agree that you may have to take the high road here - invite them to meet you halfway for lunch or dinner. Send them lots of pictures by email or through your husband so they aren't missing anything and they may start to feel more connected.

Also remember.... you cannot control the actions/emotions of others. What they SHOULD feel and what they actually feel can be very different. You want them to love and adore your baby, and they may just not be there. Some people just don't take to being grandparents easily!

my son has eczema also, but he is older (4yrs) but recently it was recommended that he take flax oil, I gave him a strawberry flax oil from the health food store, but it cleared up the problem and it has been so much better since he has been taking it. you might check with your pediatrician and see if you could try it, I know it has made a HUGE difference for us.

As far as the In laws, you and your husband need to be on the same page, but I also think it is okay to not go over there, but if you leave it open for them to come over and visit that should be enough for now. but for your child you should at least try to build a better relationship with your in laws.

This really makes me sad. My in laws are an hour away and keep my son almost once a week every week. It is so nice to get the break and he loves them. My mother in law would keep him if I let her. I guess I really am grateful for the relationship with my in laws. I truly hope it all works out for you.

can they make an effort? sure! my in laws flew down when the baby was 2 weeks old and would have been here sooner if we had let them. they have always made an effort even from a long distance, even if it's not always as I like it. my mom lives 10 minutes away and adores her grandbabies. bottom line, yes they can make an effort, but you have to leave the door open for them, even when you don't want to. someday you will want them to be a part of your kid's life regardless of how little it is. don't shut the door completely.

my first question is, does your husband feel the same way. IF so then my response would be it is his family let him take care of it. You will always be "the wife or the one he married" he is thier family, maybe they will listen to him. My husbands family (mother's side) has never been to see us in all the years we have been married (8). They did not come to the hospital when our child was born, they didn't even recognize our phone # when it showed up on his grandmothers phone bill after we had been married for 4 years. They called, got our machine, heard my husbands voice, and still left a message asking whose # this was. It is frustrating, I would like for them to take more of a roll. His father and step mom are involved but not his mom and her family. I even tried to get them involved in our wedding, and felt like I was dragging a one ton weight by myself. So my actions since then have been to send birthday cards, invite them to our daughters birthday paries (they have yet to come to one, she is now 4). I make the effort to try to include them, if they chose not too, that is on them, not me. I remain civil, I do my part, if they need any explanations as to why we don't go there, that is my husbands responibility to tell them, not mine. I let him deal with his family. I just have to accept the fact that that is how they are, I cannot change them, no reason getting upset about it. We have our own lives to lead and cannot always turn our lives upsidedown to accomodate others.
So I guess I am saying, let him deal with his family. You continue to do your part and invite them to special occasions or over for dinner or what have you. If they don't come it is on them, not you. If they need an explanation as to why you don't come to them let your husband explain why, (and he is not to use you as an excuse). Don't stress over it, just do what is best for your family.
S.

Hi A.,

I have not read the responses yet, I though wanted to make a suggestion. I think it would be great if you broke the ice by inviting your in laws over for dinner. Make it known that it is a must, that is important for you to have them over. Wrangle them in, that way they will come over and then maybe just maybe things might take course for the better. I have been married for 19 years and like you I had issues with my inlaws about seeing our children. They did not have loads of time either and we lived less than 5 miles away when our children were really small. One day we moved away to Florida and the regret that my MIL had was grievious. She even told me she took for granted that we would be there.
I would make every effort to extend your hand to them beckoning them to come to your home, make efforts to build a relationship with them.... Make them know that they are wanted, and you want them to LOVE your baby just as much as you do... it can be done and it could easily start by having them over for dinner. If you though have tried everything in the future to reel them in and nothing works, that is their own fault... go on with your life and know you did what could... trust me I live with this every day..

I say don't take the baby over there. Period. There have been several good responses. I wouldn't even go for a short visit. If they are truly interested than they can stop by for a quick visit. My dad lives 30 miles away from me and my kids see him about twice a week. When he comes to town he stops by, comes to their football games etc. If the relationship is only one way it isn't really a relationship is it. Keep your house open for visits if they want to make the trip, but politely decline to take him there.
Offer to meet them halfway for lunch and that would help solve the problem.
Otherwise, I think that they have shown that they really aren't interested in seeing the baby unless it is on their terms.

Good luck,
L.

You are his mother, you get to decide where he goes and doesn't! I feel for you, without going into any detail right now, I have been in your shoes.

You don't have to go into detail about how you feel right now, just tell them when you are available for when THEY can come by. If they want to see him that bad, then they can come over.

If I were you, I'd have a talk with your husband and tell him how you feel, let HIM talk to them and put his foot down. I've had to have my husband do that with his family many times!

Stand your ground. You are right and you are blessed to have a husband who totally supports you. Your baby and his health come first. If your in laws aren't willing to make the time to see him in his home, then they will miss out on the most wonderful blessing. My MIL has only seen my youngest once, when he was 1 and my FIL has never seen him. I asked my husband if it bothered him and he said it was their loss and he wasn't going to waste his time worrying about it. Congratulations!

I agree that the situation is not a place to take a child to. What does your husband say. I would be upset if my family live 25 minutes away and haven't really seen my kids.
Don't fold on anyones account. Your baby your rules.

Don't. You would only be doing it to self satisfy this resentment you are building.

They apparently don't think there is anything wrong with what they're doing. You are the one having the problem so decide what you want. Do you really want these people as active participants in your baby's life?

As for going over there, no way. Wait until your child is older (toddler) and reconsider then. Keeping good relations with the in-laws is important.
Keeping yourself busy and happy with friends and your family is important to you. Baby won't care either way.

Don't take his family too personally. Some people are that way unfortunately. My husband has some family that only gets out on very special occasions, they drive three hours and stay one-two then drive three back. We don't take offense we know they are just like that.

Again, no need to let them know you are having hard feelings. Try redirecting yourself. Always try to be positive to them and maybe one day they will think its okay to stop in and stay a bit. If not, lucky you for not having to deal with the in-laws. :)

Sounds like your husband's family has a problem with you - was this the case before the baby? Which is fine, you can't make somebody like you, and they may have picked up on the vibe that you don't approve of some of their life choices (which I wouldn't either!). So, going foward, it is important that your husband be on the same page with you. You can't keep him from his family, but you can control access to the new baby - but your husband needs to be on board with this too. It sounds like the in-laws want access to the baby, but without you; which is why I think they have a problem with you. It's a tough situation to find yourself in, but I'm sure it happens alot. I have a cousin whose in-laws have a pit-bull, and so she will never take the baby to their house. This has caused tension, but her husband is on board with it. They can come over just about any time as a compromise, but the ball is in their court to make the choice how often, if any, to visit their grandchild.

I completely agree with you! My feelings would be deeply hurt by their past actions. It seems like you have already given them chance after chance to be a part of your new baby's life, and they keep finding excuses to opt out. Well, I say it's time to put your foot down and stop always being the vulnerable one that constantly makes the first move with them. They obviously don't seem to care enough about your feelings and that they seem to be burning bridges with you and your family. I suggest that you and your family carry on with your lives and do not include them or plan activities around them from this point on. You may invite them to future events if you like, but must carry on without them as if they don't matter if they don't show up. Don't let them stress your out or bring you down. Life is too short to surround yourself with negative people, even if they are your family...it's not good for your children either. They will be the ones who will evenutally have to regret all their missed opportunities in your kids lives. And as for letting your child visit their house, I would consider going, but not staying more tham half an hour. Maybe then, they will know how it feels when you all find an excuse to rush off to somewhere better. Good luck and please update later how things are going okay!

They know how you feel don't worry about that. You are entitled to your feelings. Go with your gut. I had issues with my own in-laws and established a realationship that was good but I didn't let my kids stay over there. It was much more long distance than your situation. I kept the line of communication open but didn't let their lifestyle or their preference for my lifestyle interfere with how I raised my kids. I did try to keep the things I thought were good and ignore the bad. I am so glad I did. The kids are now 18 and 14 and great kids. I would have hated it if I had raised them according to what the in-laws liked and messed my kids up just to keep the peace. Go with your gut, Mama, you are right.

Your baby is still a BABY! Just tell them you are keeping him home until the doctor figures out what is causing his skin problems. PLEASE take care of your baby.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE YOUR CHILD ANYWHERE THAT IS UNSAFE.

Don't worry about their feelings. Do what is best for your baby.

GOOD LUCK!

I would say, if you have been clear with them so far then just leave it at that. If they ask you to bring the baby over, explain that he has allergies - eczema - and you need to keep him in a stable, consistent environment (your house) until you figure it out. Continue to offer to have them over to your house.

And don't ever feel bad about explaining what behavior is okay for your family. If your in-laws use rude behavior I would just politely explain that you would prefer them to use kinder gentler behavior.

I know it's tough, but it's your house! You have a right to run your house your own way. Same thing goes for them. So if they want to have rude behavior at their home, you'll have to refrain from going over there.

Sorry you have to go through this!

My in-laws have not seen my children in 8 years...You know what is best for your child and you should do what you feel is best for your child... It does suck for your spouse because he is put in the middle and he may be forced to pick between the two..
This can and probbly will cause issues in your marrage after awhile but it can work out...I'v been married for 16 years..it was hard at times but we did finaly agree to do what was right for the kids...
Good luck
R.

I would just communicate how you feel. I would go ahead and bring over the baby to take the high road for a short visit. Then I would tell them that if they want to see him again that it would be nice if they could come to you. I would also maybe have everyone over for dinner and let the family see your baby. If you keep showing you are making an effort and keep inviting them over it will be easier on you when you have that talk with the in laws.

While you have the right to control whatever you wish about your children, it sounds to me like you have issues with your in-laws. Your husband's parents didn't even come to the baby shower when they were invited? Did they come to your wedding? Are you feuding with your sister and brothers in law? Were they not welcoming when you first met them and it went downhill from there? Sounds to me as if this issue has been cooking for quite a while and the baby brought it to a boiling point.

What does your husband think of your relationship with his parents and siblings? Is he stuck in the middle of a bad situation with you feuding with his parents and siblings?

Are you setting them up for failure to "live up to your standards" therefore you can feel superior and "right" to deny them access to their grandchildren? What started the "bad blood" between you and your inlaws? That is where you need to start to improve your relatonship with them, if you truly wish to improve it and not just have more justification for carrying on as you are now.

There are three sides to every difficulty between two people. One side, the other side, and the truth. Have you asked them why they want the baby there and not them coming to visit in your home. Have you made them uncomfortable in your home?

If your reasons are truly out of concern for your baby, no, I do not think it is wrong for you not to want your baby over at your in-laws house. But if your reasons are more so because you are upset with your in-laws, either because of their behavior towards you or because they haven't "made the effort" to come and see the baby at your parents' house, then yes, I think you could make an effort to let them see the baby on their own turf.

I obviously don't know your family, but I would venture a guess that if you lived in your own house, this would not be an issue. I think it's probably more related to you living with your parents and your in-law's feeling like that's not really "neutral" territory. They might be thinking "Why do your parents get to spend all the time with the baby and you won't even make the effort to take the baby to see them?" I mean, let's face it, your parents don't have to go further than a few feet out their bedroom door to see their grandbaby every single day. Is it fair to expect the other grandparents not to be a little jealous of that arrangement?

I mean, maybe they don't really care, but it's just hard to say one way or the other. I think it would be a nice gesture to take the baby over to their house, even if just for one visit. They probably won't ever feel comfortable going to your parents' house if they don't already, but you can't really hold that against them. Families are funny that way. My mom went to my mother-in-law's house on several occasions over the years before my MIL passed away, but I don't think my mother-in-law went to my mother's house even one time in the 16 years they knew each other, even though she was invited on many occasions.

I hope you are able to find a way to work around your reservations regarding your in-laws. Babies need lots of love and most grandmas and grandpas have lots of love to give.

Blessings,
N.

You may resent their behavior, but for your son's sake it will be up to you to sacrifice and make more of an effort. I'd ask your husband about their behavior- maybe they are uncomfortable with him because he seems so fragile, or maybe they are picking up on your vibes and are simply uncomfortable being around you right now. Ask your husband what's up with them. You could offer to meet them somewhere- everyone has to eat after all. If your husband is supportive then maybe he can discuss the concerns with them.

You are the mom. You make the rules (with the dad). How does your husband feel about the situation? If he is supportive of your decision, then I would quit worrying about it right now. If he isn't supportive, that makes things a bit stickier. For what it's worth, I agree with you 100%. I would not take my children to an environment like you described. If the grandparents truly want a relationship with their grandson, they can make the effort and come to your home. As for letting them know how you feel, you don't have to make any grand statement. If they invite you and your son over, just tell them it's easier for them to come to your home. Babies have so much equipment to haul around, and he might need a nap and he will nap better at home. That should work for a few years anyway. :-)

Our children have 9 grandparents (crazy huh?) and we have different boundaries for all of them. I have only dropped my oldest off when she was 3 months old to one set of parents so we could house shop across town.....other than that, all grandparents have come our way or we have visited them all together, but not left the children. In all things as a mommy, listen to your gut! God gave us a 6th sense that not even daddies were necessarily blessed with. Listen to it and set healthy boundaries.....with of course your husband leading when it comes to his family.

What does your husband say about his parents lack of interest in their grandson? Is there some rift between you and them? It kind of sounds like they may not want to see you. Either way, it's your baby and your rules. Just be aware that you may be terminating any relationship with the inlaws, if that really matters to you. I had the same issue with my former MIL. I refused to let any of kids go to see her because she smoked and would not go outside to do it. I also had issue with her holding my babies when she did make her rare appearance to see them because of the smell of cigarretes on her clothes, hair....
Whatever is going on, you call the shots, your son and his health are more important than what some disinterested inlaws want. Speak to your husband and ask him why they have not been more present. Maybe he can help.

I think you have done the right thing in keeping your house open for them to visit, and I don't think you have any reason to take hime to their house. If they need to know a reason just say you feel he is too young to be around so many people and kids with potential infections(especially becasue he was in the NICU and it is coming up on RSV season)and you aren't sure of the cause of his excema exascerbation.
I hope you keep strong and everything works out. If they truly want to see him they would make the time and effort.
Jess