I Dont Knw How to Socialize Anymore

I can relate. I can't work due to taking care of two disabled adults so I forced myself to make friends. I have three different women I eat lunch with. I also went to a book study where no one read the book, but we had loads of fun. I had struggles learning to communicate and be a whole person. It took a bit but it is happening slowly.

You know, for many women, we struggle with not being able to be two places at once. I think it's fairly normal.

I've had to work full time since my divorce in order to support and raise two kids myself. For me, guilt was pointless because I had to do what I had to do. My kids are actually really proud of me and have strong work ethics of their own. They understand the necessity of being responsible and having to work for things. I can't say my working hurt them, it's what they know.

I mean no offense to anyone, but some stay at home moms I know can be very judgemental. They believe that being home with their kids is worth any sacrifice. However, I work with many moms who are married and juggle with their husbands to provide for their families. Staying home would be great, but they couldn't afford the sports uniforms, gymnastic or horseback lessons. They wouldn't be able to afford the family weekend getaways or sporting tournaments out of town. They wouldn't be able to afford for their kids to be as involved as they are doing things they really love. When it comes to that, is staying home the sacrifice for the mom or for the kids?

Everyone has to make their own decisions about what works best. Everyone has a different situation. Everyone has different financial resources and/or needs.

If you feel the need to get out of the house and contribute of yourself, then find ways to do that. I don't know hold old your kids are or the extent of your education or work history, but if you are in a rut, think about what it will realistically take for you to get out of it. There are many professional women who have fulfilling career lives as well as home lives. Their kids thrive.

You don't have to feel guilty and you don't have to let anyone else make you feel that way either.

I wish you the best.

I've been through this many times. Ever since I had my son I have turned more into a home body. I used to work full time in the Mental Health field. Helping people on a daily basis was very rewarding. Then once I stayed at home, it was a lot harder. I didn't have my coworkers, or my clients to engage with. It was just my son and I. My husband worked from very early to very late each night. So, needless to say, I lost myself for awhile.

I think when my son was around the age of 3, I really was having a hard time. That is when I found this site. I had asked for someone in my area to meet up for a playdate/coffee time. I got two responses. One mother I met a few times, but we just didn't click. The other, we have been close friends now for 6 years. Our sons are very close friends now, and it has been such a blessing.

My advice is to make time for YOU. Real time. Not watch t.v. or take a nap. Take a class, start a hobby, call your friends and tell them we need a get together. Motivate yourself to do something active. Otherwise you could set yourself up to becomming very depressed. It's not a good road to be on. I've been there myself. You have to say to yourself, "enough is enough".

We can't answer "what is it with me" here on a web site. You should look into counseling to help answer that, and maybe there's something in your past that makes you want to hunker down with just your family and not reach out. But it's good that your recognize how isolated you have become, and that you know it's not healthy.

If you are this intensely unable to socialize -- I would worry that returning to work, without first working on yourself, will create a huge and sudden stress: You will be expected to talk and relate to others all day, every day, starting on day one. If you have so far not been talking with or relating to others at all, can you see how going back to work would dump you instantly into constant relations with a ton of strangers all at once?

Please consider working on your social skills, and possibly getting some short-term counseling, before you even think about returning to an office environment. In an office or other workplace, you will be asked questions, and expected to respond knowledgeably and quickly; or you will be the one who needs to ask the questions, and if you hesitate about asking, your work will suffer quickly and your self-esteem -- which already sounds fragile -- will suffer, and fast. Don't use returning to work as a way to force yourself to socialize; that is not work's purpose and you may end up bitterly disappointed and just as isolated at the office as you are at home.

Also, look at your post: You say that you think socializing will "make me a better person" -- that is a big red flag that you currently think you need to BE a better person. Again, I think of counseling.

How old are your kids? If they are at least preschool age, why do you think you're not already doing anything to talk with or get to know parents of their classmates? Are they in any form of preschool or do you do "mother's day out" or playgroups or other things where you could meet other parents? That is a way that many of us, after having kids, get started on new friendships -- we have the kids in common at first, and over time, find friends with whom we have more in common. Even if your kids are too young for preschool, there are play groups sponsored by local churches or synagogues, community centers, or the "wellness" branches of local hospital chains. If your kids are school-aged, you need to encourage them to see friends too; take the initiative to schedule play dates (this will be hard for you at first but unless they are older kids, really only you can do this for them, so you have to pick up the phone and be ready for some "no" answers too).

You can seek out groups that match your interests but you will need a supportive husband or significant other who can watch the kids while you force yourself to get OUT of the house without kids or husband and be with strangers. Can you do that? Can you get online and find groups -- a book club at the local library just once a month? A cooking group through the community center? A workout class? What interests you? If you answer, "Nothing, really," then that's another sign that you need help regaining your self as an individual and an adult.

There may be other reasons you have "gone quiet" that aren't clear in your post, like trouble at home. And this all sounds like it could be a sign of depression -- isolating oneself is sometimes a big symptom. Please get a counselor or therapist; it won't be forever and it will jump-start you better than going to a job will. The job can come later, but if you use it now to try to force yourself to socialize -- the results could drive you deeper into isolation. If you can't afford therapy or counseling, check with your insurance; they may pay for more than you realize! Or go to your county or city health department, where the mental health division likely has sliding scale fees to match your needs; or try your local "women's center" where they can point you to free or low-cost help.

Do this for your kids if not for yourself!

Not sure how old your kids are, but I think I can safely say this:

Time to put yourself BACK on the list!

Do something you like, enjoy, have been curious about, etc.

I do think lots of time spent with kids tends to mush up the brain IF you do t have other adult interaction/conversation/challenge regularly.

So take a class, join a group, visit a place with the goal to talk to 2 people while you are there. I do think conversation is a "use it or lose it" thing. But I do think you can get it back with a little effort.
Waaaaaaay too often, women give so much of themselves, they're left with nothing!
Good luck!

This is where a hobby comes in handy.
Whether it's cooking or sewing or knitting or gardening or scrap booking or photography or fishing or making stained glass lamp shades, etc - it gives you something to talk about.
Is there a craft class that you can take together with the kids?
Maybe make some sort of Christmas craft together?
Check with a Michael's or a Jo-Ann fabrics shop and see if they have a class schedule.
Then branch out and take a class or two for something that just interests you.
There's nothing wrong with going back to work - but after awhile co-workers can get into ruts too and the conversations drop off a bit (it's mostly about weather and traffic).

maybe you are also exhausted from taking care of kids (alone?) all day long! if you want to go back to work, do it. you have to build yourself in order to build your family. your children need to see a role model who is multifaceted, and who is happy and fulfilled.

good luck mama!

I knew going into being a SAHM that I'd really miss the socialization that comes from FT work, especially since my group of co-workers were particularly chatty, and I am an introvert who takes a long time to warm up. I joined play groups on Meetup.com and through our church. I started volunteering for events at my son's school that require me to work with other adults (like setting up for various events, etc.) That seems to have helped, and I have seen the results, such as this weekend when I went to my home state for Thanksgiving and was able to socialize VERY easily.

I used to be a social butterfly. Parties, get togethers, vacations with friends. The whole thing. I still tried to do it with when I had my first daughter. By # 3 I am now a recluse momma. My best friends are my kids. I have been able to strike up a friendship with a couple moms from pre-school but these women are like maniacs. They have SOOOOO much money and time on their hands. I can not compete or relate. I can only make it to a few functions or things they have. My only source of decent friendships is the internet. Mamapedia, Facebook, and email. LOL so much more easier to get through things when you can unload on semi anonymous women and men from around the world. I often think I can find more friends if I started working again too, but then I remember working before the kids, and I didnt like that either. LOL I have to equal work related drama to at home kid related drama. I think I will stick with kid related drama for now.

I actually tick myself off at functions cause I cant get through the time period with out talking about my kids, or really nothing at all. I have so much useless knowledge in my head that I go on rambling tangents, and I then notice the adults quietly excluding me and I end up standing or sitting alone for the rest of the party. :(

I understand your frustration. I do a lot of the same stuff, but I work full-time. I was a social butterfly and I married an extreme introvert. As the years have passed, I have become much more introverted myself. My DH is not comfortable in most social situations and it just became painful to try to force the issue.

Frankly, I work in a demanding career. After work, I am focused on the kids... Dealing with dinner, homework, baths, books, bedtime etc... It just exhausts me thinking of adding a activity for me in the mix...eventhough I would love to try different things. I think that I have Mommy guilt because I am away from the kids during the day...it just feels wrong to not spend time with them at night. I am involved in the school PTA though. The women there are quite different in their beliefs than I am, so no real close friendships there.

I am very outgoing at work. However, these friendships are pretty surficial. I really don't have anyone that I can really pour my heart out to... I find it much harder to make lasting friendships now.

I think having something in common with others is the key and maybe since you're home now you don't know how to do this with others mothers since you were used to feeling secure working. I had friends I talked to on the phone everyday when my kids were little since we were all at home with kids and I had no car then and so it helped so much to chat and listen and have conversations with women in the same 'job' as I was. They were close friends and still are. The conversations you have at work are most likely just work friends and I doubt, maybe I'm wrong, they are close friends. Find someone who is living like you are and call, text, visit, etc. with them and build up a friendship. You can still have time with your kids and enjoy them, you can go with your friend once in awhile or talk on phone, etc. You will at least have conversation and someone to share your life with who understands. No excuse for not caring about others really and you want your kids to learn to care too.

Good for you for recognizing that you have some social work to do.

What ages are your children? Are they in school, preschool, Mother's Day out? If they are in school, are they not in any outside programs such as gymnastics, sports, etc? Play groups, play dates for children? PTA, school volunteer, etc? What about your neighborhood and neighbors?

Are you actually around no one to converse with or do you make it so you are not around anyone to converse with? You and your children need outside stumulation with social activities. You also need time do do your own thing without your children around as well.

I have treasured my time as a SAHH/WAHM but if it fits you best to be in the corporate world and helps you be a better mom then go for it and don't feel guilty.

When I came out of college, I got an outside sales job which involved cold calling. That is HARD and you take a LOT of rejection while building a customer base. One of the BEST things I did was take a Dale Carnegie course which helped me tremendously with communication skills,self esteem, etc. If you can do that, please do... it is SO worth it.

Start small so you are not so intimidated but ease on out there and talk to people. Talk to your cashier at the grocery, bank, etc. Just small talk is a start.

Good luck..

Hun, if you want to go back to work, then do it and dont feel guilty.
You worked hard for that education. Sometimes staying home isnt right for people, I get that.
If you would be more beneficial to your family while working, more power to you. You will see the kids when you get home and appreciate that time with them even more.
If I could go back to work, I would.