I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANY MORE!!!! Please Give Me Some Advice

Updated on March 03, 2011
M.V. asks from Bushkill, PA
9 answers

1st let me tell you i have 4 kids. 3 girls and a boy. 10,7,6 & my 9 mo boy...the 10 and 6yr old are full sisters from my previous marriage.,the 7 yr old is my stepdaughter and the baby is ours together.the 7 yr old has alot going on.i have been in her life since birth.her father has put me basicly in charge of her everything.she has been diagnosed with adhd in kindergarten and odd in 2010 plus on top of the behavior she has some learning difficulties and a physical deformity it is called pextus excavatum it is where the chest wall is caved in.theirs so much i dont know where to start.
i took her 2 hrs away to see the 1st surgeon and he said it is as severe as a 13 yr olds..and wants her to have surgery this summer.since then her father has been avoiding the subject hes scared were gonna lose her shes only 44 lbs she is small and if u know about the noss procedure it dosent sound good. ive heard that the bar can come out of the side if u turn wrong or something and she is so clumsy.its hard for her to pay attention. she is often confused.and hyper.
she is very argumentative with me always no matter what it is it has to be her way 1st or shell stand there and repeat herself 4 times till u do it NOW..u know the roll of the eyes and that sigh followed by stomping down the hallway saying I DONT WANT TO!!. some times shell have temper tantrums..the phyc told us to let her cry it out ....2hrs later mom!!!5 times per minute ...or it will switch to day!!! but its only when im telling her what it is she needs to get done.home work,eating dinner, or following basic rules of respect for others.she always has a arguement or lies about things the 1 time if i didnt see for myself what happened i would have believed the "im not lying, im not i didnt do it...really" she should be an actress...i almost believed her.
i have 3 other kids & my kids and a new baby i cant have this all the time around them...we have tried different medications the last 1 was adderall and a mood stablizer at night.fri her medical doc told me to STOP all meds until we see the surgeon (monday) she has been saying she is having chest pains she never wants to eat its always a battle everynight i dont know how much she actually eats. if i dont make the appts and bring her, pay the co pays, bring her for the tests and make the follow up call it WILL NOT GET DONE...between the medical doctor,phycologist,the school,surgeon,blood work, xrays,ekg,TODAY i had to bring her for a tb test.when her father isnt there she is nice to me plays, nice with others,for some reason isnt as confused.i wish he could see what i see but he cant....to top it all off his place of employment is closing down at the end of the month and they let him go TODAY...HE COMES HOME AND HIS 1ST WORDS ARE CANCEL ALL OF HER APPOINTMENTS ...theirs no more insurance ao i called it ...ive got till the 31st...i dont even remember what my original question was !!! i even have a electric shut off and have to figure out how IM gonna come up with an outrageous amount of $$$$...by 4-1..atleast i have that long...i have no time for me what so ever and the time i have for my kids is always interrupted with MOM!!! from the other 1..mean while dad is either right next to me doing NOTHING or of course u guessed it watching tv... and im always super busy but it has to be mom even thou no matter what answer i give her it WILL be an issue...Y doesnt she just go to him ...she does sometimes but then she has to come tell me what she asked and what his answer was???? y y y just do what ur dad is telling u..i dont want to check the home work at all any more she doesnt want to fix the wrong answers yells at me that the answers are right. he doesnt check but as a mother i have to teach the right way of things so it is very hard 4 me to ignore and let her play playdough instead of studying for social studies that ur failing.the meds are supposed to calm her so she can concentrate and learn but we cant medicate because of the chest issue. and he just makes excuses for her ... always i think thats y she thinks shes gonna get what she wants when hes there...but she never does...what i say goes...i want to just not say anything anymore but i know she needs me...this is the hardest thing....too many issues ....what do i do...

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K.W.

answers from Seattle on

Pick one thing at a time to focus on and let go of everything you can.

Homework? Let go of it. She is 7. She needs to focus on learning to be a healthy human being. Tell the teachers respectfully but firmly that you are choosing to focus on her social and physical challenges at this time. Worry about her academics later. I've seen a motivated kid in good health catch up on 6 years of work in 2 months. She will learn much more and much more easily when you have all gotten through this crisis.

Reduce or eliminate every expectation you have for her that is not directly related to the health of herself or the people around her. Hitting her siblings? Not cool. Sulking in her bedroom and blowing off chores? Relax. You can teach her a work ethic in a few years, when things have calmed down a bit.

Get as much help as you can: financial, social, time, spiritual. Don't stop asking for help when it gets barely manageable. Keep asking for help until your cup overflows. Others have been in similar situations and have very vivid memories of fear, isolation, and being overwhelmed. Let them heal those memories by helping you.

Seek out nonjudgmental parents who have walked in your shoes and are happy to help. Avoid the condescending people with a single perfect child who think they did something clever. Also, be skeptical of parenting advice from medical professionals, unless they are also the parent of several children, at least one of whom has special needs. Be skeptical of anyone who says "this always works" of any approach to parenting.

I had two doctors and one counselor tell me my child's sleep problems were due to my failure to establish a proper bedtime routine. They suggested sticker charts. Strangely enough, when he was hospitalized for asthma, he slept fine. Turns out he didn't need sticker charts, he needed albuterol, dust mite control, and the elimination of black mold from our house. No amount of predictable bedtime routine will help a child sleep who cannot breathe! (He also stopped with the 2-hour temper tantrums, the random attacking me, and various other behavior problems.)

Consider the possibility that many of the behavior challenges you are seeing with your 7 year old might be caused by pain, sleep deprivation, stress, and various other physical challenges. Focus on those first.

Find a way to get out of food battles but still ensure adequate nutrition. When my 13 year old was declining to eat due to depression, we suspended all food rules for her for 6 months. She could eat anywhere in the house, join us for meals or not, whatever. As long as she ate, we could live with anything else. Now that she's sane again, we're re-establishing rules about family meals and such.

Breathe. This child is 7. You more than a decade to teach "the right way of doing things". Let go of everything you can and focus on the basics: food, water, air, relief from pain, sleep, and treating family well. Everything else can wait.

Good luck. Feel free to contact me directly if you want to talk more.

Karen
[email protected]____.com

12 moms found this helpful
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M.F.

answers from Youngstown on

get intouch with you department of job and family services. You may be able to get medical and possibly a food card while your husband is on unemployment. Look on your electric bill and see if you can get on the pipp plan they will help you with you shutoff notice(i have been there) gas co too. Tell your husband you feel overwelmed and he needs to help out with the kids more now that he is home. Go get a part time job if you don't have one already and it sounds like you don't. Let him take care of the kids and you will get me time wich may not be ideal but I atleast you will hear your name and not Mom Mom Mom. You have a lot on your plate I feel for you. Good luck

5 moms found this helpful
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E.M.

answers from Honolulu on

Get enrolled in state healthcare now! As dangerous as the surgeries are the fact is if they are pushing for the surgery with her weighing 44# then it is boarder line life threatening now. In fact her adhd might improve with the better blood flow from her heart to her brain and she might get less clumsy too. I can tell you that if she ever wants a child this has to be fixed. Pregnancy would constrict her her heart and be life threatening. I have the reverse problem with my chest as does my son. Don't wait. Earlier is better.

5 moms found this helpful
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R.Y.

answers from New York on

It sound like your SD has medical and behavioral issues. If you can't afford COBRA see if you qualify for medicaid or state insurance. In the longer term she may be able to get social security (even if you don't qualify to get any $ you may be able to get more comprehensive medicaid for her).

Adderall is a stimulant and does cause loss of appetite as a side effect.

Call social services and child protective services if you need and hopefully they will be able to help you get some of the things you need. In NJ there was a provision that power could not be shut off if someone in the home had serious health issues (Dr. fills out a form). See if there is something similar in your state. I worked for the state in NJ and there are services out there that would probably apply to your situation.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

Shut off the TV, put the kids to bed and talk with your husband. Work together to come up with a plan. You first need him on your side here, to deal with discipline and to make decisions. And also talk about where to get help - talk to the school, the county, social services,... Do you have any relatives or friends who can help, so you can have time to even think?

Can you get all the appointments possible in during this month before your insurance is up? Can you afford to roll onto COBRA? If not is there a state sponsored healthplan that you would qualify for?

4 moms found this helpful
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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

Can you make an appointment tomorrow with your school counselor? she should know of support service available in your area. Also, I would look up crisis center or counseling center in your phone book. You have too much going on and need to get some support.

4 moms found this helpful
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D.S.

answers from Houston on

your life sounds like mine. she is using the fact that she is fragile against dad. its working. like others said check into state insurance. get a girls night out or your going to lose your marbles.apply for food stamps now it takes like 30days to get the interview. go to wrightslaw.com. it will help you get assitance with her. medically emotionally for you and her and everything else. good luck and i hope martha r sees this she is so much better at these questions than anyone. :)

3 moms found this helpful
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J.F.

answers from Minneapolis on

I agree with Kay. You need to have some support from people who aren't IN the situation with you right now.

There may be state insurance help. Sounds like your little girl needs her apts., especially if she is in pain.

Call social services and see if they can help you, even if they refer you to other services.

I know here, they have programs for people with their electric bills.

I'm sending hugs! I hope getting your post out helped you organize some of your thinking. Sometimes, just venting helps relieve some of the stress.

3 moms found this helpful

Y.C.

answers from New York on

I agree with Karen 100%
Nobody can be their best when in pain, and your little girl is in pain and so are you. Heck, when I get a bad migraine I want to crawl under the sheets and let the mess build up. Guess what? I am sure my mom's house wasn't all the time clean, but I can't remember if in March 15, 1989 it was a mess or not and I am sure my kids will not remember that the house was a mess last week but they would remember if I push my self more then I can and I loose my cool.
This poor girl has so much on her side too, I am sure she could feel overwhelm and grumpy, honestly I think I would too if I were her.
I hope your girl get the operation she needs and that everything goes well.
Take good care and be kind with your self.

2 moms found this helpful
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