I Dont Know If I Want to save My Marriage

Updated on October 18, 2012
J.C. asks from Mc Coy, VA
27 answers

Before i married my husband we were friends for a year then became roommates ( not involved romantically) for six months and then moved in as a couple in our place, then got married ( two years ago) now we have a 17 mo old boy and I am expecting a girl at the end of november, our relationship started deteriorating before our first son was born, my husband started doing and saying thing towards me and others than completely alienated his friends nd me as well, he became very judgemental, self righteous, raging at every little thing. We had a lot going on in our plate, two moves in less than six months, baby coming, money problems, so I understood but then every behavior he had he started pointing fingers to everything else other than him, when this passes it will be ok, if so and hadnt done this i would be ok, because you did this i... And so on, it was lije he took the understanding from me like his right to do or say whatever with no consequences and pulling excuses right out of his butt everytime. When our son came, he wouldnt help at all, never changed a diaper, held our baby, he yelled at me because i took too long breastfeeding, yelled because the house wasnt clean, i was too tired because i wasted my tine at night with the baby, to make the story short, the sweet man that couldn't wait to be a father and encourage e to breastfeed, the one who said he'll bring our son at night for me to feed and then e'll change his diapers, that man was gone, we ended up in counseling and he is always ever apologetic but as soon as something would bother him, he would yell that he was doing me a favor... I always thought that we could work things out, i love him, we are in counseling again and he's made some progress, but last week after a huge blowout I started having labor pains, he refused to take me to the hospital, he refused to watch our son, it wasnt until i tried to walk to the neighbor's that he agreed to drive me to the hospital, even while driving he kept yelling at me, for being too lazy, bad wife, bad mother, taking up his time... He dropped me off at the entrance of the ER and drove off... He texted 2 hrs later that he will get an infant car seat and drop it off in the hospital... Someone from church stayed with me in the ER and drove me home that night... When i came home he didnt even ask about me or the baby... It wasnt until two days later after he wasnt angry that he was relieved i was ok... These type of nasty behavior i been putting up with but never like this... Im completely floored, hurt and i dont even know if i want to save our marriage, it seems that all the reasons i had to keep us going are gone... I dont trust him... I dont think i want to trust him... Any advice?

To those who asked why have a second child:
I am an only child, my father was always out of the picture, my mom died a couple of yrs ago, i dont have other relatives. When my mom passed away the feeling of being alone in the world was horrible, i cannot put it in words... I bowed no child of mine would feel that way; i wasnt expecting a miracle from my husband when i decided to get pregnant, I was just thinking in my son, i knew it was going to be harder for me, but God has never left me, nor I think He will...

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Just from counseling today, we had another blowout... Im tired, hurt, im done... Im packing my things right now... He left, took our travel trailer and left...

Featured Answers



answers from Chicago on

I agree with Markasa. Sounds like a mental illness. He needs to see a Dr. Maybe he needs meds that will help him control his anger or indifference.

Does he have family? Parents? Time to get others involved.

If he refuses, it's time to leave. You can't and should not have to live like that day to day.

Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

He is not vested in this marriage, you or the kids. What is there to save? You need to focus on you and the kids. You don't say what his issues are with he marriage. Maybe he's not husband-dad material. He doesn't handle this level of responsibility well. Perhaps a separation? But be prepared because he may not come back.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from Detroit on

You mentioned that you see a counselor. Has the counselor mentioned that your husband should see a doctor? Your husband sounds like he suffers from a mental illness, may be bi-polar or depression. I don't know, I am not a doctor, but I would suggest setting up an appointment to have him evaluated.

My ex husband is bi-polar. It's like a roller coaster unless he takes his meds, then he's level-headed and stable.

If your husband refuses to seek help, then you really don't have much of a choice other than to leave him.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

get out.
fighting's one thing, being indifferent to your and your children's health is another.
sorry, hon.
:( khairete

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Get away from him ASAP.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Leave before he hurts you or your children. There is something seriously wrong with someone who could treat his family like that. Don't stay there a second longer, because that only condones his behavior, and it will continue until you do something drastic, like leave.

Do you have family you could move in with? Do you have any friends or family who could recommend a good lawyer? You are going to need one.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

In the future, if your children end up in this situation, what will you tell them.

Go back and read your post as though your child is telling you that this is happening to them.

I agree, he needs to see his physician and have a check up.

You also need to be honest. What was he really like before you married him?

What is his relationship with his family, his coworkers and his friends like?

Have you been this honest with the marriage counselor? What does the counselor have to say about these behaviors?

I know I do not know anyone that deserves this treatment, and I would guess he is depressed or a giant A hole. Either way, do not allow him to treat you this way. Demand respect or tell him to get the heck out. You do not want your children to know how their father treats their mother.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I am a big supporter of marriage but this is dangerous. I suspect mental illness too. Ask for a time when you can see the counselor by yourself and tell her what's going on. It would take major changes to make me trust him again and I would still move out so I would be safe. I bet some of your church friends would help you. You need all the friends you can get. Make a plan and work it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Most people wouldn't treat a stranger so poorly let alone someone they professed to love. You and your children deserve better. So sorry you are going through this.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I think deep down you know the answer to this. You are in counseling and it appears that isn't helping much. Have you discussed this behavior with the counselor? You need to meet with the counsel alone and voice your feelings.

This is a difficult situation and stress is not helping. Do you have family near by? Can you move in for a little while. For some peace and quiet?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Cumberland on

Don't have any more children with him-he's a monster. He's immature and not worthy of having you or your children. What your question essentially is is, "should I stay with someone who hates me and my children?" No-he needs to leave-it is not a matter of saving your marriage-you don't have one to save-it's over because he is not being a man. Where was the baby while he took you to the hospital? In the car listening to him scream at you and demean you? Who does that? Let me guess-he's alienated you from your family and friends? He is a malignant narcissist and it is only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt-either directly or through his shocking negligence. His form of narcissism can best be described in this way: "regressive escape from frustration by distortion and denial of reality", He is so frustrated at not being able to provide for you as a husband and the children as a father, that the only thing he knows how to do is tear down the reality-starting with you! "You're not a good enough mother, you're not a good enough wife, you're not a good enough housekeeper," etc. That , in his eyes is his reality and it absolves him from ANY responsibility. How nice, for him-it's all your fault. I know you are getting the vibe that he is dangerous-you said as much in your last statement, "I don't trust him". I don't either. Best of luck and I pray that God blesses you and sends people into your life that will help you and treasure you and the children in the many ways that you all deserve.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

welcome to mamapedia!!!

this is a tough situation be to in. Sounds like your husband has some mental issues and needs STRONG psychiatric help.

Ask yourself if you are better off with our without him. No one can make this decision for you. You are in counseling and you say he's making changes...is it enough for you?

If he's a danger to you or your children, then I would leave. but I don't know you. I haven't walked in your shoes. I would tell him that he needs to get psychiatric treatment and get on meds (if required/necessary) before he is allowed him my/our home again.

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Lincoln on

oh my gosh. how can a husband be so mean? i wouldnt want to save my marriage either if i were you! unless he is willing to see a psychiatrist and get some help, i would walk! he might be suffereing from an underlying illness that he doesnt know about or he might just have turned into a D bag! big hugs... i think you know what you need to do. good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

bottom line, he changes, or you go. period.

if he doesn't believe you or doesn't think you'll follow through, show him he's wrong. i'm sorry he's putting you through this :( but your children deserve better. there are ALWAYS options. it won't be easy but it will be worth it. don't put up with him treating you and your children this way. your son will end up just like him and how could you live with yourself, raising another little boy to treat women this way?

counseling should fix this behavior IF he is interested in saving his family. if not, there's nothing else you can do. it's on him.

you have to find the strength to protect your children from this.

that's not to say he can't change (mine did), but it sure doesn't sound like he is yet, and he's had multiple opportunities. it takes a big man to change how he treats his wife and children. i still don't know how mine did. but it's possible.

but you shouldn't be obliged to hang around forever just hoping he does. he hasn't shown you any indication he truly is interested in doing better. there should be some obvious effort, and from what you have said, he's not making any at all really, past driving to and sitting through the sessions. it takes a LOT more than that.


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Talk to a women s shelter.
Make your escape plan.
Get your tubes tied when you have the baby.
You've got 2 kids to raise - it's not your job to raise your husband.
What ever his problems are - he needs to get some help but he has to realize he HAS a problem and he has to WANT to change.
If you can not leave him for yourself - do it for you kids.
It won't be easy - but saving your kids from living with a guy like this is more than worth the hardship.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I agree 100% with what Bobbi said. God bless you and your children.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Richmond on

Your husband is verbally abusive, neglectful and CLEARLY has anger management problems. If you don't have anyone you can stay with, I think you should consider going to a women's shelter. I know that will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and I hope, for your sake, that there is someone (maybe from church?) who will let you come stay with them. It will not be easy, you will be alone with 2 small children to care for but plenty of people have done it and succeeded. Find an attorney - even a freebie public one if need be - file for child support and possibly alimony. If you are or will be low income, get on WIC and food stamps to help cover things while you get on your feet. If you have joint credit cards, put a halt on them before he charges them up and tries to hang you for 1/2. Take whatever money you can out of your bank accounts. Do these things NOW! Good luck - I'm sorry you are going through this.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

WOW he sounds similar to my husband.
I would say leave. I know you have 2 small children but the children dont need to see you being treated that way.
Go to a shelter, family friends and see if you can stay with them.
Find a legal aid clinic, a job and find out about state help for assistance with food and housing.
Please leave him before he physically hurts you

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

My first thoughts are of course about how hard it is to be a single mom in these times. Without having a job and a stable income you have a good chance of losing custody to him. Then also having to pay him child support and spousal support. It has been happening more and more and more.

BUT in this instance I truly believe than he is unstable and that he may find himself with a mental health diagnosis if he ever submitted to an evaluation for mental health issues.

Sweetie, you need to go to a shelter today. You need to pick up your child and just leave. They should have a clothing room and some diapers you can use until you can get some state assistance coming in. You can't work right now so that is what you'll have to depend on until you have the baby and are released by the doc to find work. Plus if you breast feed this little one you'll have to be figuring out how to do that while working full time once you get a job. Lots of mom's figure this out so I know you can do it too.

If you don't have an education that you can fall back on I suggest you consider applying for financial aid right now for the coming spring semester. You may not get anything but you can apply for Summer or even next fall as soon as income tax papers have come in. If you have filed for divorce by the end of the year you might be able to get your taxes done without him, it will be your own income with the 2 kids. Then you can get full financial aid to go to school full time.

If you go to a full university they will have married/family housing and it will be more affordable than any other housing you can have. You may also have housing assistance to pay all or part of your rent. This will make life much easier. My rent at OSU in Stillwater was $43 per month. Yes, I had housing assistance. The regular rent, bills paid with phone and cable included was under $500 per month for everyone else.

I truly believe that women must have an education to get the better paying jobs so they can become independent.

If he wasn't treating you so badly, like denying you and his unborn child medical care then perhaps working it out could be something that would work but that action speaks as loud as anything. LISTEN TO WHAT IT SAID. He does not love you nor does he love this unborn child. He would rather you walked to the hospital than help you. This tells you he does not love or want you. Take care of this yourself. Go find someplace else to stay until you can get on your feet financially and get an education.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

It seems as if all of us moms are on the same page and agree you need to leave the situation. Just focus on your children and what is best for them when you have doubts. None of you deserve to live how you are living. Stay strong and fight for yourself and your kids. You can do it!

Hugs and prayers!


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. You can't handle the stress of a divorce right now, so put that out of your mind.
I would suggest you use reliable birth control every time once you have the baby. You don't need another baby to make it more stressful.

Where is his family? What are they like? Do you have ANYONE you can stay with until the baby is born and you have recovered? You need help right now.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

1) You don't trust him. And rightfully so. It's time to get out. Please contact your family and TELL them what you've told us. ASK them for help.

2) Contact local churchs. The Pentacostal Church of God (my own church) has help for women. You just have to ASK for it. They and many other groups can help you.

Check out this site. You are not alone.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I don't know why your husband changed. He didn't come on here to say.

You have given lots of reasons to leave, but only 2 reasons to stay.

If you want to get more of the reasons to leave or stay leave, read all the problems ex-wives have with their ex-husbands that they have posted here on mamapedia.

Good luck to you and yours.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Oh my goodness. That's terrible. I'm so, so sorry that you are hurting like this at a time that should be so joyful. I wish I could hug you.

I can't tell you whether to leave your husband, but I can tell you that marriages have come back from worse. It almost sounds like he's got some sort of mood disorder or anger problem or something. Don't get me wrong-- his mental whatever is NOT your problem. You cannot accept being abused that way. He must stop this behavior immediately, and you do have a choice to make.

Counseling can and does help. My marriage is a testimony to that. But can you heal from that complete betrayal? Can you forgive him for robbing you of all joy during this time? Do you even have the means to leave? Could it possibly change things if he went to counseling by himself, in addition to marital counseling?

Those are questions only you can answer. Only thing I know for certain is that this isn't right or healthy for you or your children.

Prayers to you and your family!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I'm glad to hear that you are at least giving the situation a break. It is not good for you, your baby or your little one to be under such stress. Please, please, please take Suzanne's advice and protect your finances. Besides your's and your children's health this is the most important thing. Close joint accounts, take what $ you can and file for support. ASAP.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You'd be better off by yourself than staying in a relationship that will eat away at your self esteem and eventually your children's self esteem if they witness how he talks and treats you. Not a good situation and doesn't sound like counseling is working. Leave now if you can.


answers from Norfolk on

Hi, J.:

It is all about control in your marriage. You trying to control him, he is trying to control you.

Stay home.
Get yourself together.
Start thinking about yourself and how to take care
of your own needs without asking him for anything.

Learn how to ask for what you need without expecting him
to meet them.

It sounds like immaturity on both of y'alls part.

You have 2 children to think about.
They need both of you.
Splitting up does not answer problems.
You must have allowed him to dominate you and now
he hasn't got the ability to stop.

Go to counseling by yourself.
Go to a co-dependents Anonymous support group.
Sounds like you are co-dependent.
Good luck.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions