I Dont Know How to Do This Problem #1(Sorry Could Be Long)

Updated on December 27, 2011
L.M. asks from Willow Hill, IL
6 answers

Over a year ago my husband asked for a divorce. My 18 year relationship has been officially over since august. Just when I think I'm finally moving on I have a major setback. The divorce was a complete shock to me, and once I found out there was another woman involved he became very difficult to deal with. I'm finally moving on from losing my husband to her, but my time without my kids is really hard on me especially knowing that the woman responsible for the demise of my marriage is now acting as role of mother figure when he has them. I was a SAHM, with my kids all day every day except when they were at school, but I still had one at home, he was working, hunting, going to the gym (where he met her). He was home maybe 2 hours of an evening when the kids were up,and weekends were questionable. Anyway, now I feel like a constant failure. My kids are caught in the middle of a mess. When this was all fresh, I know they overheard me crying to my family about it, so now they protect me by not talking about her when they come back from their dad's, but I think I'm finally starting to get her to see that it is ok to talk to me again. But over the holiday. My ex got upset because his mom asked me to bring the kids up for christmas the weekend before he and the girlfriend were supposed to go up, so he refused to take the kids back. Of course the kids knew his mom had another gift for them so they were excited to go. He procedes to tell them it's because nana thinks I'm a good person and I'm not because I stole his money and his family. So when his dad brought me a care package over the holiday, the kids immediately said oh great now dad won't have anything to do with granddad. So they all agreed they weren't going to tell their dad. I really dont want to encourage this behavior, but I want them to know they can trust me too. I know of several occasions where he has swayed there conversation with me which had been very obvious. Truth always seems to present itself. Where is the fine line here? I would love advice on how to make my kids feel they can be free to talk to me. He is such a manipulative person he can almost convince anyone that he is god and everyone else is wrong when its just the opposite. I'm so affraid hes going to turn my kids against me I've seen evidence that he is trying. His dad did it with him and his brother against their mom. How do I stop letting him get top me about all things he does? This has been so hard. (sorry for errors I'm doing this on my phone).

What can I do next?

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answers from St. Louis on

you know many states will provide family counseling....& it sounds as if you & your ex would benefit from it.

I know that my SIL & her ex were mandated to go thru it, with the ex's actions governed by this counselor...or he was at risk to lose his custody privileges. Maybe something like that would work for you.....

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Never speak badly of their father. Respond to them that their father loves them. But I don't think you all need to go around altering plain facts out of fear of what he might or might not do...

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Id sit down and talk with the kids, let them know YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM, and dont talk bad about their dad or anything, they will know and find out be the bigger person and such,just let them know if they need someone to talk to you will be there for them to talk to and you wont judge or be upset but just someone to talk to divorce is hard but its easier when one parent is being the bigger one

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

First of all, let me assure you that your children will figure out the truth in due time without anyone having to tell them anything. They are not stupid nor blind; they may not say anything right now, but they are not oblivious.

As for turning the kids against you, your actions will stop that. As long as you continue to be a good, loving, involved parent, your kids will not believe you are a bad mother. They will be confused, because what they see is a good mom and dad is saying otherwise, but I don't think they'll follow his "logic" blindly. When they say something like dad says you're stealing his money, make light of it. If my boss saw me not working (even just coming back from the restroom) he would make a joke about me "stealing" from him. So, just kind of laugh and tell them you're not stealing the money; dad is paying his court-ordered support but just like paying taxes, he feels like he's being robbed" and let it go. The less of a deal you make out of it, the most comfortable your kids will be in talking to you. Of course, you will probably have to go to your room and scream into your pillow, but that's okay. It's not about you, it's about the kids.

I think you could possibly open the door for discussions that involve the other woman by saying something kind of nice about her (I noticed when I called that X has such a nice voice on the phone; or if DD has a new outfit or whatever say something like why don't you wear Y so X can see how nice you look in it. Just something that let's them know that you are not angry at her and don't hate her and it's okay to talk about her in front of you.

If you open up that door and then don't make a big deal out of anything that ex-idiot has to say, your kids will feel a lot less anxious and dad's words will not be able to turn them against you. They will know him as the idiot he is!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

Oh, the "you stole his money and family" remark makes me want to cuss on here. YOU aren't the failure. HE is. Please, get your head straight about that! He has lied to himself that he was a great dad, instead of telling himself that he saw them for 2 hours a day, and a little on weekends, since his gym and hunting were more important than spending time with his family. Oh, and the time spent screwing around on his wife too.

Don't EVER allow a lie he has told to stand with your children. When they tell you're has said something that isn't true, tell them the truth. The worst thing you can do is allow them to believe something bad about you. If he tells them that you stole money, you tell them that it takes money to keep a roof over you all's heads, and it is his JOB to do that. Even the judge said so, and that is not stealing. A judge does not tell people to steal. A judge does tell a man that he has to help his family. Tell your children this. Tell them that the judge decided that they will continue to live with the mommy that gave birth to them.

That doesn't mean badmouth him. But it DOES mean not allowing his lies to stand. Just be patient with your children. If they don't want to talk about something, they don't have to. If they don't want to tell their daddy something, it is up to them. By being a good mother, telling them you love them, and not throwing them under the bus with anything they tell you, they will talk to you.

It sounds like your FIL might feel a bit of guilt about the way he treated his family, since he taught his son to do this. I hope he regrets it.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

oh what a terrible situation. I"m very sorry, i wish i had some good advice, Try to take care of yourself so you can take good care of your kids.

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