I Can't Get Used to Being a Single Mother

Please use google to look for single parent support groups near you. They exist, and they can help you to find people in a similar situation so that you don't feel so isolated. In my area (and in others), it's often called the SPIN network (single parents in need network) - you should look for this or similar groups near you. You can get through this!

You can't change the past. There is no way to apply current wisdom to former mistakes.

You can learn from it and make good choices for the future. Use what you know now to empower yourself going forward.

Reach out to supportive friends and family to form connections that will help with the loneliness. Stay away from romantic relationships until you're feeling back in control of your life, to make sure you have clear eyes.

You will get through this.

I understand exactly where you’re coming from. As others have stated, our mistakes do NOT define us. Learning from them is gaining wisdom.

I went to a counselor after my failed marriage to help me look at the whole experience from an unbiased view. I learned a lot and wanted to prevent ever finding myself in a similar situation. It’s hard work, but so worth it.

You decided to remove yourself and children from an abusive situation. That requires strength. Be proud of yourself for that.

Things seem terrible right now. They won’t always be. You will find your new normal.

Hang in there. Light always overcomes darkness. You will be better. No matter how lonely you feel, you’re not alone.

I love what Jill said "There is no way to apply current wisdom to former mistakes."

You did the best you could in your situation and you left. Feel proud of that. One step at a time mamma.

When you start to feel down, do something small to feel positive. Don't allow yourself to go there.

Joining a group - whether it be a gym (some offer daycare), or a mom group, or whatever it is - or just getting out at lunch with work friends for lunch - just being more social will really help. A support group is even better. Your ex wasn't company and he wasn't positive. He was just 'comfortable' but in a very destructive and negative way.

Being comfortable on your own is where you want to be, so that you are ok on your own and it will come. You need this step so that one day you will be confident on your own, and that's when you will meet someone new. Don't skip this step or rush it.

Whatever you do - don't rush into meeting someone new.

Take this time to enjoy it and socialize with female friends. If you haven't had time for any or weren't able to socialize, make some now. This is your time. Focus on your children. This is time to just take care of you and them.

You can do this - you should feel good about your decision. It will come - I have friends who have left abusive relationships. I left a really long relationship myself (before kids) - it wasn't easy but ultimately, I found happiness and self respect and it was the best thing I ever did. It felt very hard at the time but good things often come with hard work and dedication. It certainly won't be as hard as what you've already been through! Just think of it that way.

If you need encouragement just come on here! Lots of moms have been through it :)

A counselor or divorce support group will be a huge help for you and is a step that I think every divorcing person should take. If logistically you can't do that today, then set a timeline for yourself to find a counselor or divorce support group (some churches offer free groups and you can even bring your kids, who do an activity while the adults talk) and for today, order a copy of the book "The Truth About Children and Divorce." It's enormously helpful and something you can read a chapter here and a chapter there. It explains what you're going through, what they're going through, and how to best support yourself so that you can emotionally support your kids.

My ex and I have been separated for 2.5 years and are still negotiating our divorce. Ours was a very long time coming and my kids are older, so it's been easier than what you're going through. Even with years to prepare and see the writing on the wall, it's hard. Divorce is one of the most traumatic processes you'll ever go through. So be kind to yourself and be patient. I started counseling a few months ago. One of the things she told me recently is that it will take years before I'm "over it," with a typical timeline for a fairly healthy and smooth divorce with kids being about 5 years, longer for something traumatic and abusive, maybe shorter without kids.

So no, you won't struggle forever, but you will struggle for a while longer. It's normal and healthy in the long run. You need to take the time to process all of the emotions, understand what attracted you to him and why you chose him, and how you'll make different choices in the future so that you don't find yourself in a bad relationship again.

Just take it one day at a time, and build up a network of support - your family and friends, find a single parent group in your area to socialize with, and then either individual or group counseling. And build your coping toolbox as well - is there something you can study to get ahead at work (I enrolled in a rigorous professional certification program early in my separation - it's nice to immerse myself in studies and forget things for a while)? Does exercise relax you? Can you pop your baby into a stroller and take your son for a jog? Two divorced friends took up running during their divorces and completed the Boston Marathon multiple times...we don't all need to be that committed but a few miles under your feet can do wonders for clearing your head. Can you sneak in a yoga routine before the kids get up for the day? Can you relax with a bath and a good book from time to time? make sure you build in small ways (or big if you have the means!) to relax and de-stress.

Welcome to mamapedia.

I'm sorry you are experiencing a rough time in your life right now. What do you do? You stand up, wipe the dirt off your knees and keep moving forward. You look back to make sure you're leaving the bad path behind you and keep looking forward to see what's coming up.

You LEARN from your mistakes. Stop feeling guilty for the decisions you DID make and learn from them.

What you need to do is seek a counselor to help you break your life down and figure out what went wrong and where so you won't make the same mistake again.

Don't try to be perfect and don't act as if everything is "okay" in front of your kids. It's okay for them to see you cry. They need to know you are hurting.

Get your kids help.
DO NOT talk nasty about your ex in front of the kids, he is still their dad.
Tell your kids that things will be rough, but everything will work out. You all need to stick together and communicate.

You MUST make time for yourself. Whether it be reading in your room or walking or meeting friends for lunch or dinner.

You need to understand you did NOT fail. You learned an important lesson. and if you think your kids are a MISTAKE? You're wrong. They are NOT. Please don't ever let your kids hear you say that.

Make goals for yourself. Keep them simple and take SMALL steps.
Don't date anyone until you see who you are post marriage and know what it is you want and need in your life. Don't marry again because you're scared and need someone to take care of you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

sweetie, you need some counseling and help, and you need it now.

i'm SO proud of you for getting yourself and your kids out of an abusive relationship. that was such a positive and strong move, and had to have been mentally anguishing. you are a lioness!

i've never had to parent two small children alone and can only imagine how overwhelming it is. find a support group. you are NOT alone.

and get a good counselor who can help you sort through the cascading emotions, create boundaries, develop a good positive self dialogue as you navigate this, and create a new and powerful home environment for yourself and your kids.

you got this. you will all be great.
khairete
S.

No advice, but sending you a great big virtual hug!! Hang in there!!

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

It will get easier. For now, try to look at one day at a time. One 24 hr period.
Don't look ahead....just take it one day at a time for right now.

Remind yourself of the things that made you want to get a divorce.
Try to make things easier on yourselves by keeping things civil between you &
your ex.
You did not fail at life. Sometimes people marry but they aren't a good match or
they weren't good to each other. For a lot of people, divorce ends up being a
good thing: each individual is happier, the kids are happier & see their parents
being happy.

Take a deep breath. You will be able to handle the new responsibilities but again look at 1 thing at a time. Your first things: your children. Spend time with them sitting together, watching a cartoon, play with them.
Know that you will not always feel lonely. In time things will change: your
feelings toward the divorce, you will meet someone if you want.
When you feel guilty, remember why you left. You & your kids deserve happiness. You did not fail at life.

Save money when you can. Take the smallest package on cable or don't get it for now.
Clip coupons or shop at the cheapest store you can for groceries.
Sit down, make a budget, look at your bills. Cut out anything extraneous like subscriptions, hair coloring at the salon, extra cable or cable period, expensive food items.
Look for free things to do with the kids: library reading time, parks, water sprinklered/features at parks made for little kids, check out movies from the library to watch with your kids.
Get a break when you can if your kids aren't going to their dads yet. If they are, keep busy when they are gone. Pack their bags with things you know they will need and want to have when at dad's & away from your house: fav toys, blankets, pacifiers etc.
Hang in there sweetie, talk to other moms of divorce. It will get better. Just take a breath & take it one day at a time.