Parenthood is stressful, especially when compounded with deployment, TDY, moving, living overseas, etc. You have been inconsistent and that is the problem. Your instincts and the parenting plans you try to follow conflict and therefore you have not been successful. There is another way. Don't beat yourself up. You can get through all of this.
Sleep:
The problem is not with co-sleeping, it is with consistency. Also, when you do co-sleep, a gentle transition works best. Start with his crib/bed/mattress on the floor in your room. Get him used to that and then transition to his room. We co-slept (by choice) until about 19 months. Then he started thrashing around a lot at night and we decided to transition him to his own bed.
1. First, we set up my son's crib in our room for about a month and always referred to it as "his bed" but we did not make him sleep in it. If he wanted to sit in it, we let him play in there for a few minutes. Every time we passed the bed, I would say,"Where is your bed?" and he would point it.
2. Then, I said,"You are going to sleep in your bed tonight." We did his bed time routine and in the bed he went. No problems.
His crib is still in our room, but it is our choice because the other two rooms in the house are being used an exercise room and a guest bedroom/office. Eventually we will move his bed into another room. I am preparing for that by referring to the room with his clothes and diapers as "his room". I say,"You need a diaper change, go to your room." Then we will pick out a bed and new bedding and set it up and talk about sleeping in his room and then we will make the transition.
People want quick solutions, but slow and gentle is the best way. You have tried and failed the hard core approach and the more you try it, the harder he will fight because he doesn't believe you. If you try the slower, gentler approach and remain consistent, you will be successful.
Also, have a bedtime routine that involves you spending a lot of time with him in his bed before he goes to sleep for stories, songs, and cuddles. If he clings to you, he needs you. He feels insecure about you being there. He is looking for reassurance, so build it into the routine. It will be a special time of day for the two you of and the more you give, the less desperately he will need your attention and reassurance. I tell my son the routine every night and with each transition I announce it and it works for us. Then follow through. I promise that if you provide intermediate steps between sleeping in your bed and in his own room, you will be successful. Talk about each step for awhile (2 weeks or so) before you try it so he does not panic. Someone else mentioned using a timer during the bedtime routine. I found it helpful during nighttime routine.
A good book is Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution to help you understand where your child is coming from and how to make the transition.
2. Eating. Have healthy food available. Pediatrician and parenting expert, Dr. Sears recommends having healthy snacks for "toddler grazing" throughout the day so he can experiment with food. At meal time, present him with the family dinner. if he eats it, great. If he doesn't that is fine, to. You cannot force a kid to eat and then it becomes a battle when you try. He will not starve, but you can't give in and make him something special and separate and probably of questionable nutritional value like mac n cheese every night or give him a non-nutritious snack just to get food in him. If he doesn't have those options, he will begin to eat.
The more hardcore approach is to serve the family meal and keep offering it until he eats it. The gentler approach is to provide healthy foods throughout the day and relax. Read these tips for dealing with a picky eater.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/T030800.asp
There is a difference between setting up opportunities for grazing as Dr. Sears suggests and making multiple meals, trying to find something he will eat. The difference is your investment in whether he does it or not. When you beg and plead with him to eat and stress and panic and make something different, he is getting negative attention. Negative attention is still attention and desirable for a little one. It is a battle for control. With grazing, you put food out and leave it there. Let him choose what to eat or what not to eat. Again, he will not starve. He may test you for awhile but as long as he is drinking enough fluids, he will be fine and you can outlast him. Don't give in with junk food.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/T030800.asp
My son cried the first time I gave him solids at 6 months. So, I let it go tried again every few weeks. The response was the same every time until one day, when he was almost 8 months old when he ate a whole jar of sweet potatoes. He has been a great eater ever since. He likes spicy, sour, vegetables, whole wheat bread, etc. If there is a day when he doesn't want to eat, I don't force him to, there is usually a gastrointestinal reason. After he gets over that, he eats.
The one food issue we have had is with drinking liquids other than breastmilk and water. He wouldn't even look at cow's milk. I still nurse him quite a bit and he eats other dairy so I wanted to make a gentle transition, so I started giving him a little bit of soy milk in a cup with meals and calling it "soy" instead of soy milk. Then after he got to the point where he would sip it a bit, I gave him a little more, poured some for myself said said,"cheers", clinked our glasses and said "take a drink". He liked this game so much, so realized he liked soy. Today, at the commissary he started yelling,"My soy! My soy!" when I put it in the cart. Slow and gentle really works.
3. Potty training. We aren't there, yet. We have started talking about using the potty, body parts, etc. but have not gone beyond that. He has started to say,"pee" and point to the potty when he is in the tub. That is the only time I put him on. He hasn't actually peed, yet and doesn't stay on long, we are just getting used to the idea.
I think that trying cloth training pants could be the next step or just putting him in underwear and changing his clothes. I think that with all the other issues you are dealing with, you should just work on laying the ground work for potty training until you have improvements and successes in the sleeping and eating environments.
The good news is that you will see a big improvement when you give up the illusion that you have control over his very personal body processes. Once you relax, you can let him take the lead.
Some people might thing that the approaches I have outlined take too long, but just consider how much time you have already invested in the hardcore methods and failed. Check out http://www.askdrsears.com or get one of the Dr. Sears Baby books from the library or buy one, they are great resources and can help you maintain control over yourself so that you can guide him in his development.
Good luck and if you need encouragement, message me and I will be glad to cheer you on!